Half brother. Carry on faking or not? WWYD?

[Ladyof2022]

I am sorry that this turned out to be so lengthy. I imagined I could tell the whole thing in a couple of paragraphs but somehow it just kept growing.

It's turned into a combination of getting my thoughts straight, getting this hurt off my chest, and asking a WWYD and an AIBU? at the end. Please don't feel obliged to read it if you don't have time!

I am 65 and have a half-brother 15 years older than me. He is the son of mum's first marriage and we did not grow up in the same house. I only met him now and again from my age 5 to 11, when he moved in with me, our mum and my dad for about 6 months when he was 25. After he moved out we went back to meeting only now and again for short periods of time.

I have no other siblings and both my parents are dead, so he is now the elder and I suppose "head" of the "family" and also, legally, he is my next of kin. Actually he is my ONLY kin as I am not married and have no children.

We are not like brother and sister; his place in my life has been more like that of a distant uncle, partly I suppose because he's nearly old enough to be my dad. We've never fallen out, but never been close, either.

He's an extremely gregarious man who over the years had hosted many dinner and house parties; he thinks nothing of inviting 20 or 30 people to his house for the day. He used to invite me to every one of his gatherings, house parties, wedding anniversaries and birthday parties but after Mum died 15 yrs ago he just stopped inviting me without saying why and I was too hurt or too shy to ask why.

Over the 50 years of his marriage he and his wife have been away for hundreds of weekends or holidays with other couples or other family members. For 30 years they owned a holiday home abroad and everyone they know seems to have been invited to stay there either with them, or when they were not using it. However, he has never once invited me to stay at his house or his holiday place or to go on holiday or a weekend away.

He invited me to spend the day at his house (along with about 10+ other guests) every Boxing Day for over 20 years; however, he never once invited me for Xmas Day, as that was reserved for his real family (i.e. his kids, our mum, his MIL, etc).

He and my SIL raised two children whom I very rarely met during their childhood, and I have not seen them or had contact with them since the last time I was there for Boxing Day in 2008. They grew up, left home, married and had kids of their own, whom I have never met. None have ever made contact with me, even though I am easily findable on Facebook or through their mother. So they, also, want nothing to do with me.

Three years after Mum died, without explanation he ceased inviting me to his yearly Boxing Day gatherings. Birthday and Christmas cards began to be signed only by his wife. If I ring them they never answer the phone and they don't have an answerphone. He used to phone me 3 or 4 times a year, but that has devolved into his wife ringing me once a year. (I've known his wife since they started dating 50 years ago.) When she rings she always "can't chat for long" as she's "about to go out" or has "some potatoes on the hob" or expecting a guest any minute. I get the feeling that she only rings out of some kind of "duty" or obligation and if that is the case, I would rather she not bother. I don't want to be a chore to anyone. However, I am polite and chirpy and friendly and she will cheerily tell me about the gatherings and holidays and outings they've had in the last few months. If I ask to speak to my brother he's "at work". (He's in the entertainment industry and, though he's pushing 80, is still working, albeit part time.)

At the end of these phone calls my SIL always says they "must come to visit me soon" and I agree, and sometimes I suggest a date based on what's coming up, like one of our birthdays, or Easter. She then says she will liaise with him about when would be the best time to come, and will ring me back, but she never does. Nowadays, we live only 40 miles apart, and although I am now disabled and I do not drive so cannot visit them, he still drives and is fit and well, driving to work 2 to 3 days a week. And yet he has not been to visit me for seven years.

Seven years!

During that time, as his wife knows, as I have told her, that I've suffered from clinical depression, developed an anxiety disorder, had a breakdown through being relentlessly bullied by a group of people, lost my partner to cancer, and become physically disabled, losing my mobility, which has been very traumatic, and yet none of these life events have prompted him to want to even speak to me on the phone, let alone actually visit me, and yet he is only 45 minutes away by car.

He is, clearly, willing to go to his grave without EVER seeing me again. And I have no idea why.

At this point I ought to say, in case anyone is wondering, that to my knowledge I have never done anything to deserve being dropped and excluded from their life. I've never got drunk or caused an argument or committed a faux pas. We've never had an argument or any strife between us. Believe me, I have wracked my brain on many occasions trying to remember anything I may have said or done to make him dislike me, which he clearly does, and I am at a complete loss. He kept me on the margins of his life until Mum died, and it seems to be her death that prompted him to push me even off the margin and out of his life altogether.

What has prompted me to post this today is that I received the usual Xmas card, written as usual by her, not him, signed "All our love" and "See you soon!" And yet it's crystal clear that they do not "love" me at all and have zero intention of seeing me "soon", nor indeed at all for the rest of our lives.

I hate fakery, and these yearly birthday and Xmas cards, and yearly, breezy, brief phone calls, are fakery, aren't they? I did not bother sending them a card this year as I am sick and tired of engaging with the fakery of sending "all my love" to them and going along with the fiction that we will see each other "soon".

I have thought about writing to them and telling them how hurt I am by their actions in gradually cutting contact with me without giving me any reason or explanation. Should I? Or will this simply make things worse?

Because of his unbrotherly treatment of me, I have made sure that he, though he is my next of kin, gets nothing in my will and that means his kids or grandkids will not inherit from me. (I don't have much money but I do own a large house that is worth a small fortune). Am I wrong to do this? Is that just being spiteful in retaliation, or the right thing to do under the circumstances?

Just woke up and read all the new replies, for which many thanks. I am touched that so many strangers have taken the trouble and time to read my long long post(s) and to have put so much effort into writing replies. That alone has brought me to tears.

Thanks everyone for helping me to understand why I've been quietly, slowly, gradually, dropped.

xx

Oh dear OP, it sounds like you are having a tough time. Can you get some financial advice about how to get some income from your house, while protecting your future, so that you can do some more things you enjoy?

Have you been able to speak to a GP about your low mood?

As for your family, I don’t at all think this is a “cut them off with an insulting legacy” situation. Of course, you should leave any money you have left after aged care, exactly where you think is right. But it sounds like everyone is getting older and maybe with grandchildren in the mix there just isn’t as much energy.

Also, as PP mentioned, one of the hardest lessons to learn as an aunt is that kindness has to flow down the generations, with no expectation of return or thanks.

On that note, what about sending a cheery postcard to SIL saying that you’d love to send the nephews and nieces a late xmas message, and asking for their addresses or emails?

For those asking about why I never forged my own relationship with their kids. You have really made me ask myself that same question and think about it this morning and this is a random selection of reasons why I think I didn't:

I am socially awkward, and shy, possibly autistic and I never learned how to make confident social approaches. I was an abused and neglected child who was bullied by other children, I was scared of rejection, self conscious and gauche.

The timing was all wrong. I was in my early teens when they were born and growing up and we lived far apart. I only saw them at family gatherings once or twice a year and had no idea how to approach them, what to say to them or how to interact with them. I grew up as an only child and I'd never had any contact with small children.

Then I moved even further away and when I visited them on Boxing Day I was in my 30s and 40s and they were giggling noisily with their mates or in their rooms or wrapped up in their own lives and hobbies and I just didn't have the confidence to push myself on them in a crowd of guests and I suppose they saw me as the quiet spinster aunt and so far out of their age range we could never be close. Of course we SPOKE briefly at these gatherings, just for a few minutes then they'd be dragged off to play a game or do something exciting. I was mainly a wall flower at these gatherings and made up part of the audience watching my brother loudly entertaining his guests.

Next thing I knew they had left home and I did not even know where they lived. They never kept in touch or sent cards or rang me, they had their own busy lives and careers and friends and then kids came along. Only one of them married and I was not invited to the wedding nor the christenings of their children.

Bypassing my bro and SIL and trying to contact their adult children, who I did not know, who I had spent a total of maybe 30 minutes speaking to, spread over 25 years would have felt very weird. I'd have thought, "why would they want to hear from some boring, socially awkward, introverted old spinster they didn't even know when they were kids?"

Now their kids have kids of their own who I have never met.

That’s understandable. But I think he disconnect comes from m, in your op, your sadness that THEY, didn’t choose to contact and build a relationship with you.

You are someone they barely know too. They may feel it would be weird to just randomly get in touch with their fathers half sister, who they have spent less than 30 mins it’s in total speaking to.

You seem to feel that your brother should make more of an effort, as he is older. But also that his kids, who are younger, should be making more of an effort to have a relationship with you too. That’s where, your expectations don’t seem realistic.

Dear @Gremlinsateit

I did not want to leave your questions unanswered.

"Can you get some financial advice about how to get some income from your house, while protecting your future, so that you can do some more things you enjoy?"

I do get income from my house and a work pension and so I have enough money for all my needs and wants, which are modest as I live simply. Day to day I am deeply involved in solitary, academic, unpaid research work whicIh is very absorbing and makes me feel happy, fulfilled and satisfied that I am contributing something to the world in my own small way.

"Have you been able to speak to a GP about your low mood?" I have mentioned it from time to time and instantly been given a prescription for some drug to alter my brain chemistry But I really do not want to start down that slippery slope. I would not call what I have a "low mood" but a perfectly sane reaction to suddenly finding myself disabled for life and having to get my head around having so many restrictions on what I can do and where I can go. I don't think it's something that can be cured by getting dependent on mind drugs, especially as they have so many side effects.

Other than my physical disabilty the only thing that brings me stress and misery in life is other people. The more I avoid people, the less stress I feel. This is why I have started to suspect I am and have always been autistic. OTOH maybe I am just a regular introverted nerd?

Op, have you thought that he may have stopped inviting you because of either:

1. he believed it may be thoughtless to invite you when they knew too well you could not attend, would that not be fakery as well?
2. He decided he was ageing and had to cut his partying down so what was the point in inviting you since you could not drive and us mobility issues?

His wife may feel she has a duty to keep in touch but wants to be breezy and short as she really has no time.

It’s happened to me to get cancelled on by friends just because my partner could not attend, which wasn’t very nice.

I also have a former uni friend that lives in the same city, as you know, London is rather big so hard to see each other. Therefore it was me calling her every year for her birthday however in 2022 I was more inclined to send a text as she always seems to be eager to cut conversations short. I felt I had to be careful how much I said about myself as she very clearly wanted to end the phone call. I called on the spur of the moment and all was going well, me forgetting about trying to keep it short as we were talking about life events that happened to both of us. And then it came, her trying to cut the conversation and me feeling so stupid yet again.

Oh, and some people are like your brother’s wife. I have a neighbour who is always stopping for a chat only to tell you a minute later they have to rush somewhere. And she does to everyone, as it was another neighbour that pointed it out as well. It may not be something personal. But you are different ages different perspectives.

When your brother’s wife calls again try to reciprocate by being breezy and short, see what she is like and you will know for sure if this is the only kind of interaction she expects for sure. Imagine they have more closer relatives in their life to give their time to, and as sad as it sounds, your expectations may be higher as he is your only blood relative you have left. They may not just see things from the same perspective as you.

As for your will, do not feel guilty about what you decide to do about your own money.

Hope 2023 will bring you a lot of joy and peace of mind.

"Op, have you thought that he may have stopped inviting you because of either:
he believed it may be thoughtless to invite you when they knew too well you could not attend ... since you could not drive and us mobility issues?"

He stopped inviting me to his whole-day Boxing Day gathering in 2004 when I was fit an active. I only started to become mobility disabled about 2017.

As for the rest of your message, I'd say you have hit the nail on the head. Their family has grown exponentially, as their two kids had six kids, who now have produced about 10 kids, plus she has siblings, nieces and nephews and their kids, and neighbours and my brother's enormous circle of acquaintance to keep in touch with. I can see that from her point of view a once a year, short and breezy phone call to me is all she can afford, time-wise.

My perspective is completely different. My bro is my only living relation and she is the nearest thing I have ever had to a sister. I have known her for 54 of my 65 years. I have known them longer than I have known anyone else in my life. There was a time, when I was aged 11 to 15 they were courting and for a few years after they married, when we saw quite a bit of each other, because we lived near each other and my mother was their childminder for a while. Maybe I irrationally cling on to that brief and loose bond, thinking it means more than it really does.

Your message gives me an idea. If she ever calls me again I shall tell her I am too busy to talk for more than a minute and if she really needs to speak to me then call back another day, and "if not then I'll speak to you again in a year's time."

I'm going to stop expecting anything of them.

OP, I've been following your thread but have held back from commenting because I've found your posts increasingly frustrating and, because it's so clearly a painful and mystifying situation for you, I haven't wanted to say anything that comes across as harsh.

Look, it's not too late for you to try and rescue your relationship with your brother (and his family) but you, too, have to stop YOUR 'fakery'. Have you ever told your brother how important he is to you? Did you ever clearly say how good it felt to be included in their social lives, or that you regret you let the opportunity of being an engaged aunt pass you by? Have you told your SIL how much you value the efforts she's made to keep in touch with you?

You come across as very passive in the relationship (and a little entitled). At many points over the years you could have made more effort. Those years, and all those opportunities, have passed but you can start now - important relationships are worth fighting for! Despite your reduced mobility you can of course visit them as it sounds like you can afford a taxi.

The inheritance is irrelevant here. They have not done anything wrong so you could put aside your wounded feelings, be real with them, open up and tell them that they really matter to you and make a definite arrangement to go and visit them! There is time to turn this around but it's your attitude that needs to change OP. Good luck.

Other than my physical disabilty the only thing that brings me stress and misery in life is other people. The more I avoid people, the less stress I feel. This is why I have started to suspect I am and have always been autistic. OTOH maybe I am just a regular introverted nerd?

There is no denying that other people are one of the biggest stresses in life but what about the happiness, support, love and fun that other people can bring to your life. You might feel like you are protecting yourself by cutting everyone out you life but how is that going to work out in the future? You are still young!
If you don't like the complexities involved in casual friendships you can still foster strong relationships with others in more structured ways - book clubs, church groups, volunteer work etc.

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP. It sounds like you have had such a difficult few years.
I think enjoying your life and having some luxeries , perhaps funded by equity release or moving somewhere smaller is a good idea. Concentrating on developing friendships or new hobbies a would be better for your self esteem.
It's clearly very hurtful that you are losing contact with your brother, I agree with pp advice and think you could make one last shot at rebuilding the relationship, it does take effort on both sides to maintain relationships and it can be hard to let people know how important they are to you. His gregarious persona could possibly be a mask.

Perhaps you could write to your brother explaining your feelings, but without blame, it may not result in anything but it could be cathartic. Write it, read it and leave it a few days before deciding whether to post.

Your mum left when he was 14, thats a difficult age, teens cope worse with parents separating than younger children.
Years ago there would have been huge stigma in divorce and he may havd been bullied as a result.
Eitherway it would have a detrimental impact on him. So there maybe be unacknowledged resentment even though it wasnt your fault.
I wonder if that's why he didn't invite you for Xmas day it sounded cruel not too tbh especially if you were single at the time.

Due to the age gap/ family circumstances it sounds like you werent close growing up and this has drifted further since your mum's death, this is actually quite common but it is hurtful if you have tried to phone and arrange meet ups and they haven't responded.
I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say your SIL is spread thinly. She probably does want to stay in touch but doesn't have time for a in depth relationship as her life is very busy, tbh it's your brother and yourself who should be instigating phone calls.
Some people find it hard to know what to say or how to support bereavement and poor health, they may also be busy with their children and grandchildren and he is still working so his life sounds very full.
It's upsetting he hasn't been there for you during such a difficult few years but I think you need to concentrate on your own life and happiness , you definitely don't need to leave him or his children anything in your will if you don't want to, do you have any relatives on your partners side who you are close to or have kept in contact with since their death? Or close friends?
Spend it, donate it , leave it to whomever you please.
Having gone through so much perhaps counselling would help , most people would struggle in your situation and need support so I'm sorry if you havent had any. Do you have any help for your depression? I hope 2023 brings you joy.

If they are very gregarious might they have expected you to reciprocate (without realising you are not that type of person) and dropped you because they felt lal the effort was one way.

I mean - did you ever invite them for Christmas ? Ever host a party for them? Ever invite them to stay ove rin your big house and spend time and money on food and wine and making them feel welcome and important?

it's a two way thing, and if their 'language of love' is to be very generous hosts but you never returned the compliment, they might have thought you didn't love them that much and they should stop bothering.

What ways have you shown active engagement in them, their children, and invited them into your life?

You’re extremely negative about yourself, OP. In fact, many of your posts seem to be a list of reasons as to why your brother and his family wouldn’t want a relationship with you (you’re shy, socially-awkward, boring, gauche etc), and you’re also quite negative about your brother, whom you describe as ‘loud’, sociable, narcissistic, thoughtless, and very different to you — yet you continue to resent the fact that he is no longer pursuing a relationship with you, purely because he is your only living relative, even though you never grew up as siblings, and he’s so much older, and now quite elderly? I suppose that while it’s understandable, as you are clearly lonely and dealing with difficult circumstances, you are wishing for something illogical — you want someone utterly different to you to value you, despite also being quite emphatic about why he wouldn’t, and why you don’t find his personality appealing, in a way that might not matter if you’d grown up together, only you didn’t?

its all about what he does/doesn’t do, or his kids don’t contact you. What effort have you ever made with him or them?

I’ve been thinking about this and I don’t mean to be unkind at all by what I’m about to say.

but do you think you might be a bit of a “joy thief”, in your brothers eyes anyway?. So your brother is outgoing and the life and soul of the party and maybe he’s more superficial than you are and that’s what he wants from the people around him?

and you’re more serious, not outgoing. When asked how you are you tell the truth whereas he’d prefer a more upbeat positive message. And to him you put a downer on things?

i mean it’s a shame that as he’s family he can’t be more supportive to you if you’re struggling. Even though me and my brother aren’t really close I know if I was having health issues or a bereavement, etc he would be here for me and I could talk truthfully about how I was and he would be helpful. But it seems your brother either can’t be like that or doesn’t want to be like that. And the more you are yourself the more he pulls away!

I don’t know what the answer is because you shouldn’t have to fake how you are/who you are.

Thanks for the additional replies. There is too much to respond to at the moment but I will just address what @Runnerduck34 wrote because it misrepresents my dear departed mother.

"Your mum left when he was 14... "

She never left. His father left. Then Mum met my Dad and they had me. When I was a toddler my brother left school to pursue his childhood dream of joining the navy. So, he knew me as a child but not vice versa, as I have no recollection of my life prior to age 5. By the time he left the service he was a grown man and apart from 6 months when I was 11 he never lived with me and my mum and dad.

You've had some very thoughtful replies on here OP.
It sounds like your brother has tried over the years but you have decided you are far too academic and introverted to bother much with him and his gregarious lifestyle.
If people are such hard work and cause you so much stress maybe they have picked up on those feelings and decided to step back?

It just sounds like a natural drifting as your DBs family expands and also, as he is 80 maybe he has had health issues on his side that DW hasn't wanted to dwell on.

I felt hurt this year - the DD of a very close childhood friend got married and she didn't even tell me - her DDs were the bridesmaids at my wedding. But I guess from her perspective it is awkward because I can totally see why they weren't invited and possibly didn't want us to think they were hinting for gift money ( which I'd have been delighted to give btw).

So I'm thinking there is possibly stuff happening on their side, not just yours.

@WinterFoxes

I have already explained all this upthread. You are painting me as a selfish "taker" who is too stingy to give back, and that is simply not true.

They would never go away for Xmas even if I had had a spare double bedroom to accommodate them, which I have never had. Xmas to New year's is all about family to them. Being with their kids, grandkids, having loads of friends round the house every day, always being the hosts, with games and loads of booze. There is no way they would cancel all that just to spend a night with a teetotal spinster sister whom they find dull and boring, and who they do not consider to be family.

@HolyStoned

Not being negative about me or about him. I was simply trying to convey to readers of the thread how different he and I are, by telling the bald truth of what our personalities are like, in as few words as possible. He really is loud, egoistic and narcissistic, even his wife, who adores him, rolls her eyes at his behaviour and regularly uses all those words to describe him.

And I really was a very shy, gauche, awkward child, teen and young adult and still have those traits though not so bad as I have grown in confidence to some extent.

I was just giving you the facts, not being negative.

@Yesthatismychildsigh
I have already addressed that question at great length upthread.

@Coffeeboy
Yes, you are correct. To him life is one big crazy party, he likes celebrity gossip, and superficial, fun-only friendships. Things such as higher education, history, philosophy, academia, serious books, libraries and museums are dull as dishwater to him. And yes, he finds me and my life and hobbies yawningly boring and, because I deplore "celeb" culture I am not, as others are, dazzled and bowled over by his modest "showbiz" career. I don't want to be just another adoring fan lost amongst his large audience; I want him to be a brother to me, and I a sister to him and his wife, despite our different personalities. But I now accept that is not and will never be possible.

I am truly shocked that over the last few years, despite knowing I have become disabled, AND that I have lost the man I loved, he hasn't once phoned me or visited me to offer his support or condolences or to show concern for my wellbeing. They did not even send a card of condolence or attend the funeral (fair enough, they were abroad at the time). If he were infirm then that's understandable but he still drives himself about all over the place to perform on stage, go away weekends etc. He's clearly still fit and active and fully compos mentis.

Thanks again to everyone who has engaged in this thread and made comments and suggestions. It's all helped me to move forward with this.

What a very nasty thing to post. I won't even bother trying to reply as you've decided I am the villain here so enjoy believing that.

Don't leave 5 pound, how petty. Just find a charity to leave it too. Family's are weird, they obviously made an effort when your mum was alive and that's dwindled, it happens, his wife calls, not because of your inheritance, but because women end up picking up the work sometimes for men, she does it as she is probably aware you are alone and that he isn't bothering, in some ways it's kind of her IMO. Can you try and be more proactive, you say you don't know your cousins etc, but they could find you on Facebook, but you could also reach out to them, seems you have been quite passive, I guess your older than them, so they might equally feel you have never bothered with them. Either make a effort to reconnect with them and see how that goes, or just move on and focus on your friends. Sorry you have found it hurtful.

@Ladyof2022 sorry I got the wrong end of the stick OP. I misunderstood the bit when you said you said you did not grow up together.
It must have been a very upsetting time for both your mum and him.

I think it’s beyond shocking that they didn’t even send a card when your partner died. Honestly if dh died I know my db would get in the car, drive two hours here and be helping me arrange the funeral, etc.

i would genuinely struggle to want to continue a relationship with your brother after that.

I think that poster has a point, though. You are very critical of him. You simply don’t sound as though you like him much, or think your personalities mesh at all. Of course this would not matter so much if you had grown up as siblings — lots of us have close family we wouldn’t choose to befriend if there was no blood relationship — but you didn’t, and your joint parent has died. He’s not to know that he now looms so large in your mind, and that you want a sibling relationship with someone who simply doesn’t think of you in those terms.

I have found myself wondering if you sound reproachful or critical of his and his wife’s ‘neglect’ when you do have contact, or if your need for more than is on offer is in fact very obvious, and makes them feel reproached or got at.

Definitely don't include the family. Find a charity that you like.
Actually include them but only token amount 500 each so they can't say they were forgotten

But presumably you and your brother grew up together, and have a relationship as adults? In the OP’s case, it’s more like a distant cousin losing a partner the cousin may never have met. Absolutely to sending condolences and attending the funeral, but who knows what was going on for the OP’s brother at the time? It’s not necessarily malicious.