Half brother. Carry on faking or not? WWYD?

[Ladyof2022]

I am sorry that this turned out to be so lengthy. I imagined I could tell the whole thing in a couple of paragraphs but somehow it just kept growing.

It's turned into a combination of getting my thoughts straight, getting this hurt off my chest, and asking a WWYD and an AIBU? at the end. Please don't feel obliged to read it if you don't have time!

I am 65 and have a half-brother 15 years older than me. He is the son of mum's first marriage and we did not grow up in the same house. I only met him now and again from my age 5 to 11, when he moved in with me, our mum and my dad for about 6 months when he was 25. After he moved out we went back to meeting only now and again for short periods of time.

I have no other siblings and both my parents are dead, so he is now the elder and I suppose "head" of the "family" and also, legally, he is my next of kin. Actually he is my ONLY kin as I am not married and have no children.

We are not like brother and sister; his place in my life has been more like that of a distant uncle, partly I suppose because he's nearly old enough to be my dad. We've never fallen out, but never been close, either.

He's an extremely gregarious man who over the years had hosted many dinner and house parties; he thinks nothing of inviting 20 or 30 people to his house for the day. He used to invite me to every one of his gatherings, house parties, wedding anniversaries and birthday parties but after Mum died 15 yrs ago he just stopped inviting me without saying why and I was too hurt or too shy to ask why.

Over the 50 years of his marriage he and his wife have been away for hundreds of weekends or holidays with other couples or other family members. For 30 years they owned a holiday home abroad and everyone they know seems to have been invited to stay there either with them, or when they were not using it. However, he has never once invited me to stay at his house or his holiday place or to go on holiday or a weekend away.

He invited me to spend the day at his house (along with about 10+ other guests) every Boxing Day for over 20 years; however, he never once invited me for Xmas Day, as that was reserved for his real family (i.e. his kids, our mum, his MIL, etc).

He and my SIL raised two children whom I very rarely met during their childhood, and I have not seen them or had contact with them since the last time I was there for Boxing Day in 2008. They grew up, left home, married and had kids of their own, whom I have never met. None have ever made contact with me, even though I am easily findable on Facebook or through their mother. So they, also, want nothing to do with me.

Three years after Mum died, without explanation he ceased inviting me to his yearly Boxing Day gatherings. Birthday and Christmas cards began to be signed only by his wife. If I ring them they never answer the phone and they don't have an answerphone. He used to phone me 3 or 4 times a year, but that has devolved into his wife ringing me once a year. (I've known his wife since they started dating 50 years ago.) When she rings she always "can't chat for long" as she's "about to go out" or has "some potatoes on the hob" or expecting a guest any minute. I get the feeling that she only rings out of some kind of "duty" or obligation and if that is the case, I would rather she not bother. I don't want to be a chore to anyone. However, I am polite and chirpy and friendly and she will cheerily tell me about the gatherings and holidays and outings they've had in the last few months. If I ask to speak to my brother he's "at work". (He's in the entertainment industry and, though he's pushing 80, is still working, albeit part time.)

At the end of these phone calls my SIL always says they "must come to visit me soon" and I agree, and sometimes I suggest a date based on what's coming up, like one of our birthdays, or Easter. She then says she will liaise with him about when would be the best time to come, and will ring me back, but she never does. Nowadays, we live only 40 miles apart, and although I am now disabled and I do not drive so cannot visit them, he still drives and is fit and well, driving to work 2 to 3 days a week. And yet he has not been to visit me for seven years.

Seven years!

During that time, as his wife knows, as I have told her, that I've suffered from clinical depression, developed an anxiety disorder, had a breakdown through being relentlessly bullied by a group of people, lost my partner to cancer, and become physically disabled, losing my mobility, which has been very traumatic, and yet none of these life events have prompted him to want to even speak to me on the phone, let alone actually visit me, and yet he is only 45 minutes away by car.

He is, clearly, willing to go to his grave without EVER seeing me again. And I have no idea why.

At this point I ought to say, in case anyone is wondering, that to my knowledge I have never done anything to deserve being dropped and excluded from their life. I've never got drunk or caused an argument or committed a faux pas. We've never had an argument or any strife between us. Believe me, I have wracked my brain on many occasions trying to remember anything I may have said or done to make him dislike me, which he clearly does, and I am at a complete loss. He kept me on the margins of his life until Mum died, and it seems to be her death that prompted him to push me even off the margin and out of his life altogether.

What has prompted me to post this today is that I received the usual Xmas card, written as usual by her, not him, signed "All our love" and "See you soon!" And yet it's crystal clear that they do not "love" me at all and have zero intention of seeing me "soon", nor indeed at all for the rest of our lives.

I hate fakery, and these yearly birthday and Xmas cards, and yearly, breezy, brief phone calls, are fakery, aren't they? I did not bother sending them a card this year as I am sick and tired of engaging with the fakery of sending "all my love" to them and going along with the fiction that we will see each other "soon".

I have thought about writing to them and telling them how hurt I am by their actions in gradually cutting contact with me without giving me any reason or explanation. Should I? Or will this simply make things worse?

Because of his unbrotherly treatment of me, I have made sure that he, though he is my next of kin, gets nothing in my will and that means his kids or grandkids will not inherit from me. (I don't have much money but I do own a large house that is worth a small fortune). Am I wrong to do this? Is that just being spiteful in retaliation, or the right thing to do under the circumstances?

I’d cut them out
its so painful for you !
effective tomorrow
just delete them

i sadly agree that your large house and will might be part of this

erase them and I hope this time next year this will be less painful xxxx

Thanks once again to everyone who engaged and tried to make me understand why they have done what they have done.

I do understand now.

They meant a lot more to me than I meant to them. That is the gist of it.

I feel like the blinkers have been ripped off my eyes. Thank you Mumsnetters!

Oh god I feel rather stupid now. I know I am not very intelligent or perceptive when it comes to people (I am probably autistic).

No, I don't think so at all. Don't be so hard on yourself. You suspected it was fake, the annual phone call amongst other things, in your OP. Perhaps the realisation that so many agree has hit home for you.

Thank you

@Thisisworsethananticpated

@melodyshetland

I think that’s true. It’s an asymmetric relationship. It’s ok to be sad about it. I don’t think anyone’s at fault. It sounds as if it would be worth trying to expand your own circle if your condition permits.

I doubt whether anyone’s given a thought to inheriting from you — your brother and his family are likely to assume you’ve left your assets to someone closer to you, or to a charity close to your heart.

My apologies then . You have obviously made more effort than your first posts made it appear.
You could ring him tomorrow as its New year's day and maybe get a date in the diary for a visit. One last try for the start of 2023.

Please leave your inheritance to your closest friends, or people who have loved & meant something to you.
Try & do something good to or for someone or some good cause..
Your brother & family dont need your money & dont deserve it.
As for the hurt you feel. He has never really considered you as close family, your mother is actually at fault here.
Put this to bed, there is no point in losing sleep over a lost cause

I have a friend in a similar situation who has decided to leave all of her assets to charity rather than siblings. I recently witnessed her will and was emailed a copy along with details of where it will be found if she dies. A couple of others were also given the same information. This is to prevent her will "not being found" and the rules of intestacy coming into force. I highly advise you to do similar.

OP I wouldn’t put it as bluntly as you have here but I think there’s something in what you are saying. Don’t feel stupid though - I don’t think you are and there is no real “fault” on either side in a situation like this. Remember how depression can lie to us? Make sure you’re being kind to yourself.

This. It does seem as though he has invited you to his house a lot though. How much effort have you really made? I doubt they are bothered about your money, sounds as though they've money of their own.

Great advice, thank you. I will do this.

I'm going to disagree with everyone. I don't think for one second that you didn't mean anything to them and that everything they did was fake. I suspect that he is just busy and is being lazy about engaging with you. I don't actually think it means that you are irrelevant to him. I don't know if maybe your honesty about your difficulties and your shyness make you a little bit hard work as a guest? I'd also wonder that he isn't inviting you to things because he knows it would be so difficult for you to attend.
The fact that you didn't send a card when they did says a lot. You are taking the fact that he didn't personally write in the card as it meaning that he doesn't like you but if you have read Mumsnet you will understand that it's extremely normal for the women in relationships to do that sort of things while the men don't bother. (It's not right but it's often how it goes). I'd bet money on him not writing Christmas cards to anyone. You are being offended by a slight that doesn't exist.

Rather than cutting them off and being angry forever more I'd suggest writing and explaining that you would like to rekindle your relationship and the reasons why. I wouldn't guilt trip them or admonish them, I'd be honest and straightforward. Their response will tell you everything you need to know. If it's not positive then you are in no worse position than you are now and if it's a positive response then you can see how it goes.

I know you did invite them over in the past but it does seem like you've been very passive about contacting them whilst being annoyed that they've been passive about not calling you.

Do you have close friends? If not then you have many years to make some. Lots of people are closer to their friends than blood relatives? If you are 65 I guess you may be retired or close to retiring.

Happy New Year Ladyof2022! I really feel for you and can relate to your experience in several ways. I'm not far behind you in age and have not heard from my (younger) brother since the day we settled our mother's estate 3 years ago. It had always been a tricky relationship and once my mother had gone, he ceased responding to birthday/Xmas messages etc. That left me sad as he is my absent next of kin. I suspect that your brother would have experienced an enduring sense of abandonment with your mother going off to start a new family. Later when you moved away, I wonder if he felt a renewed sense of 'ownership' over her? He'd won her back. It wouldn't surprise me if he felt jealous of you, even resentful and now that your mother has gone, he has no need to maintain the relationship. It might have been to look good in her eyes in any case. I, too, am on my own and have had episodes of depression. It is quite understandable that you would want to confide in these older people who are family, on paper at least. Please don't blame yourself for doing this. It is quite understandable when you're vulnerable. It's hurtful to discover that people aren't there for you as you would like them to be. Seek out your own chosen family of friends who love and support you. I think you're very wise to make it clear in your will that you are not leaving them anything. I had to spell this out in my own will. Focus on you now. I agree with other PPs - use that house to give YOURSELF the best life possible and invest in strengthening your own social circle. You have autonomy in your life, which is one of the three fundamental ingredients of wellbeing, so make the most of it.

@Ladyof2022

I am quiet, introverted, shy and academic. He hasn't read a book since he left school. As I've grown into maturity I find crowds and noise grate on my nerves. He's in showbiz and loves attention, noise, loud music, crowds, being on stage and putting on a big show. I love to spend time one-to-one with one person at a time, a close, intimate friend and confidante. He is a loudmouth socialite with hundreds of shallow acquaintances and he loves to bring them all together in his big house and be the life and soul of his own party.

I think this is the reason. You're just two different personalities.

I agree with you about the phone calls. When people just want a quick catch up to say hi they usually ask 'how are things with you' and they don't mean they want to hear an hours worth of offloading about health issues. Sorry but she probably says at the start she's busy so she can get away after say 20 mins.

Your brothers wife sounds like a nice person. I don't think she's doing anything wrong. Do you ever call them up or host anything? If the inheritance tax is going to be a quarter of a million your house must be big enough to have them over?

Sending good vibes to a fellow introverted-probable-autistic.

I have cut off most of my friends and family over the years after I found they simply don't care for me as much as I do for them.

Sometimes I feel sad that I'm left with barely a handful of close friends. I have recently had a child but I don't see a large extended family in my future.

I hope you aren't otherwise lonely, you have some friends who better deserve your time and thoughts?

A sad part of me suspects, due to my own treatment by people over the years, is that you've been cut out because he finds you weird, annoying, boring, etc. People like that, think that way about people like us. The life problems, loss and disability probably contributes to his desire to keep away. Outgoing people think they will be infected by misery (or so it sometimes feels to me!)

I hope you are able to find happiness and move on. Have you thought of selling up and doing something exciting with the money, since there's noone to leave it to? :)

I think the issue is closure for you to understanding why you feel he cut you off. If you can't speak in person you might prefer to write a letter but be prepared to accept he might not reply to you and accept how that might feel. And how would you feel if this once a year call from his wife ends too? Its not much but it might be important to you over getting nothing.

it sounds like they have done almost all the hosting and run out of steam a little. He’s 80 after all and I expect he’s slowed down as most 80 year olds do. I wouldn’t take it personally. You’ve got your close friends, he’s got his close friends but I’m sure all the meaningful well wishes are genuine.

why not reach out to your nephews and nieces and their children? Make contact and invite them for Sunday lunch? Get to know them.

I agree .
The minimal contact is hurtful and causing more distress than trying to keep in touch . I also think that if you didn't live in a large house you'd have no contact at all. They have made their position clear in that you don't figure in their lives so my advice would be forge a life with people who do value you . Join social groups , book clubs , time spent is better than constant fretting over whether they will or won't be in touch and the small crumb of contact being of little comfort .

I wouldn’t completely cut off contact but I’d follow the advice of others regarding wills and maybe stick to a Christmas card relationship from here on in.

I have a similar relationship with my siblings (whole and half although I never made that distinction in real life.). They all hang out together, message each other regularly, know what’s going on in each others lives and I’m an after thought. I set up a family group chat but they all set up a separate one for just them. I am autistic and they’re not. They’re all involved in performance and entertainment and I’m not. It does hurt but it’s their decision and I have to live with it. I know once our shared parent dies I won’t hear from two of them unless they want something. I don’t even have the phone number or address of one sibling despite asking for it a few times, so once our parent dies I will have lost contact altogether. We don’t have a bad relationship and I tried very hard to be present and available as they grew up (there is a large age gap between my half siblings and myself and my brother.) but in the end I can’t force them.

old men are odd and fickle and if he’s an audience facing entertainer then his ego will want surrounded by people who pander to it and make him feel good and special. When the idea of performance and being fake is a nightmare to you he’ll pick up on that and avoid you because you don’t worship his celebrity.

Personally, I would not say anything harsh or final to your brother's wife but would just enjoy keeping in touch a couple of times a year as she's been doing, or not answer the phone if you don't feel up to it.

It sounds like you were never extremely close and over time, such relationships tend to get even more distant. Your brother is also getting older now and has likely dropped off a lot of the connections and activities he used to have.

I don't think anyone's done anything wrong here. It's just the natural state of this connection and the natural progression of things. But since his wife does call you, I would not think they don't care at all about you.

If you are lonesome, churches are one good place to make nice friends and also to get help with transportation or whatever.

I was just wondering as a pp , did you ever invite him/ them to your home or out anywhere? As for his children you being the Aunt wasn’t it for you to contact them?

This

Tbh OP, you don't speak about your brother in a very positive way, maybe that has come across? Also, given this why stay in contact anyway. You both sound very different and it is fine not to be close or in touch

I am a bit confused about the timeline. Because your first post made it sound like contact had stopped or massively reduced when your mum died, which was 30 years ago.

But then later posts suggest it’s actually been more recently (15 years ago).

But I do think you need to look at how you build and maintain relationships. You seem to believe that because you were younger, you couldn’t invite him to much as your interests were appropriate to invite him to. So just invited him to big stuff.

If it was 30 years ago when reduced contact, were you really in your own then?

But then you also complain that his kids, you say you barely saw (but also went for walks and stayed over at their house quite a bit) aren’t also trying to bill a relationship with you. But, just as you were once younger and had other stuff going on, they are younger and have other stuff going on. That works both ways?

Theres seems to be an assumption that you believe they all should make more of an effort because you are family. But I think you could have also made an effort, especially with your brother kids.

You say they mean more to you, than you do to them. But how have you shown that, in the last 15 years? Since you mum died? And how have you shown his adult children that you would like a relationship with them?