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Original poster

Would you leave a relationship for this?

126 replies

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:25

Just to preface this with the fact that I know you can leave a relationship for any reason you want. I just want to know how many other people would find this to be a deal breaker. I am doubting myself here as there are lots of upsides.

My OH is a lovely, kind, generous man, who will do anything for me. I trust him as much as its possible to trust anyone. My DD (who isn't his) gets on well with him. He enhances my life in many ways. He helps around the house and pulls his weight. Our sex life is good.

But I cannot cope with his phone use. He is on his phone every waking minute of the day. It's very hard to persuade him to do anything else. I hate it. I think its lame and stupid. I have asked him to spend less time on it and he doesn't understand the issue. He just defaults to it in this bovine, unthinking way and I find it so stupid and lacking in dynamism. It's all pretty innocuous, there's no porn (that I have ever discovered), no messaging other women, mainly just facebook and football sites and occasionally newspapers. I just find it so depressing that an individual would prefer doom-scrolling to doing anything else in life and so tired of it being in my space all the time.

Would you leave a relationship for this?

OP posts:
StickyCricket · 31/12/2022 13:28

How is he simultaneously helping around the house and pulling his weight and being wonderful with your DD, while also being on his phone every waking minute of the day?

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:30

@StickyCricket

He does a lot around the house. I can’t fault him here. I just mean that his default leisure activity is going on the phone. He never reads books or plays an instrument or anything else. If he doesn’t have anything more pressing to do he will default to sitting in bed on the phone.

OP posts:
PopTartsAreLife · 31/12/2022 13:32

This was a huge issue and part of the reason I left my husband. Not the only reason. But it was symptomatic of the other issues we had. To me the excessive phone use was yet again another way he put me and the kids at the bottom of his priorities. The constant scrolling was sort of the final straw. Only you can decide OP. Have you discussed limiting screen time with him?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/12/2022 13:33

I don't really see it as any different to someone whose main leisure activity is watching TV.

Is it interfering with your day to day life? Are you trying to have conversations and he's not listening? Or during meals? That I would definitely find unacceptable.

Lockedinforwinter · 31/12/2022 13:36

It wouldn't bother me at all. Unless you mean he is doing it when he should be doing other things, or doesn't want to do things with you, in favour of staring at his phone? That said if it winds you up so much is it a symptom of another issue?

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:37

PopTartsAreLife · 31/12/2022 13:32

This was a huge issue and part of the reason I left my husband. Not the only reason. But it was symptomatic of the other issues we had. To me the excessive phone use was yet again another way he put me and the kids at the bottom of his priorities. The constant scrolling was sort of the final straw. Only you can decide OP. Have you discussed limiting screen time with him?

We have discussed moving In together (we don’t live together) and I said I needed a commitment on his part to reducing mindless phone use before I would go ahead with this as at the moment it’s too much for me to live with. We had this conversation on Boxing Day and he had spent every day since then scrolling on the phone in bed. We have both been ill so I am loathe to turn it into a huge deal now but I think after he has gone home I am going to say that unless he significantly modifies this I am not prepared to live with him.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 31/12/2022 13:38

I wouldn't, but I wouldn't move in with him either.

dudsville · 31/12/2022 13:39

You don't value the way he likes to spend his leisure time. If you would be happy for him to spend the same amount of time focused on a musical instrument or reading then i wouldn't see a problem with it personally. But I'm not living your life.

NuffSaidSam · 31/12/2022 13:39

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:30

@StickyCricket

He does a lot around the house. I can’t fault him here. I just mean that his default leisure activity is going on the phone. He never reads books or plays an instrument or anything else. If he doesn’t have anything more pressing to do he will default to sitting in bed on the phone.

I wouldn't find this a massive problem personally, no.

Not if it doesn't interfere with anything else, which apparently it doesn't? He works, does his fair share in the house, is good with your daughter, you have a good sex life....it's just he doesn't play an instrument or read in his downtime? I think that's fine tbh.

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:40

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/12/2022 13:33

I don't really see it as any different to someone whose main leisure activity is watching TV.

Is it interfering with your day to day life? Are you trying to have conversations and he's not listening? Or during meals? That I would definitely find unacceptable.

I just think there’s something uniquely thick and wasteful about sitting on your phone. It’s such a bovine and dumb way to pass time and it’s hugely addictive. I really hate the idea of hours being squandered in such a non productive fashion. I’m not a huge fan of the tv being on all the time either tbh but that’s not something he has a problem with.

OP posts:
pompomsandtinsel · 31/12/2022 13:41

I would definitely split over that as I feel it's a brain dead way to live your life. I know for many others it wouldn't be an issue but it would drive me crazy.

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:43

pompomsandtinsel · 31/12/2022 13:41

I would definitely split over that as I feel it's a brain dead way to live your life. I know for many others it wouldn't be an issue but it would drive me crazy.

Exactly this. It’s so brain dead. I’m interested by the split here. He genuinely doesn’t see what the problem is.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 13:44

he never reads books or plays an instrument sorry but what? Plays an instrument? Does he play then, because this makes you sound incredibly snobby.

TBH the above statement makes you sound like you think you’re above him. You’re essentially saying that you want to leave him because he doesn’t play a musical instrument.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 31/12/2022 13:45

It's not much different to reading the paper end to end in the old days?

I don't know - my DH does a lot of doom-scrolling (and endless cat/dog/any animal videos!). He shows some stuff to me and sometimes it's interesting or funny. We go for a walk together most days we're not working and do crosswords together or watch TV together, though. Do you do anything together, leisure-wise?

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:48

@MayThe4th

I probably am incredibly snobby tbf. But I can’t help how I feel…. think an unproductive life is a waste of oxygen and I don’t owe it to anyone to stay with them out of pity or a sense of egalitarianism.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 31/12/2022 13:50

It sounds like a real problem and I'm sure it is for a lot of people, these days.

I couldn't deal with it either and it spells out a very basic incompatibility between you both.

He might agree to reduce his phone time, but if he's not doing it for the right reasons (I.e. because he also thinks it's too much) then it will create potential problems for the future.

Good luck x

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:50

@MayThe4th

And yeah I do think people who sit on their phones all day are beneath me.

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 31/12/2022 13:51

If you think he’s beneath you then it’s probably not a good basis for a relationship

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 13:52

Have you thought that maybe your conversation might not be that interesting?

Googlecanthelpme · 31/12/2022 13:52

You’re ultimately not compatible.

I spend a lot of time reading on my phone, watching interesting and informative YouTube videos and listening to podcasts. As does my partner. It is my main source of information, news and entertainment.

I am not thick, ignorant or anything else along those lines. My partner and I are both educated and actually enjoy taking back our “findings” from online research and discussing them.

It is a legitimate way of spending down time and switching off. It is no different from reading a physical book or listening to the radio / news.

His down time should be spent however he sees fit, if you don’t like it then you’re entitled to end the relationship. For instance I would not be in a relationship with someone with a season ticket to the football or someone who played cricket every weekend. I wouldn’t want a partner who played dungeons and dragons or board games as a grown adult.

we all have our preferences.

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 13:53

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:50

@MayThe4th

And yeah I do think people who sit on their phones all day are beneath me.

He doesn’t sit on his phone all day though, he does lots of good things which you acknowledge and then in his down time he reads stuff on his phone. It’s not quite the same as being on all day.

StickyCricket · 31/12/2022 13:53

Yes I think you should end the relationship. You think he is beneath you.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 31/12/2022 13:55

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:50

@MayThe4th

And yeah I do think people who sit on their phones all day are beneath me.

Wow, you sound rude and unpleasant. If you talk to him the way you have written stuff on here, perhaps he is just trying to avoid a conversation with you.

As others have said, he is getting plenty of stuff done, and then relaxing as he chooses, and indeed how many people choose these days.

DuplicateUserName · 31/12/2022 13:57

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:48

@MayThe4th

I probably am incredibly snobby tbf. But I can’t help how I feel…. think an unproductive life is a waste of oxygen and I don’t owe it to anyone to stay with them out of pity or a sense of egalitarianism.

Do you realise 'snobby' is not a compliment?

I get why his behaviour doesn't lend itself to being great company, but at the same time there's a bit of a nasty undertone in your posts.

'Lame'
'Bovine'
'Thick'
'Dumbass'

Horrible really.

TedMullins · 31/12/2022 13:58

Thinking anyone is beneath you is a very unattractive trait.

That aside, no personally I wouldn’t have an issue with doomscrolling done in downtime. It doesn’t sound like he does it all day every day - he helps round the house and presumably you go out and do stuff together, so he’s only doing it when there is nothing else to do? Are you also of the pinion that doing nothing, lying in bed til lunchtime or not getting dressed all day on a day off is slovenly, wasteful and bovine?

Like you said, you can end a relationship for any reason you like, and it sounds like you should end this because you’re incompatible. I don’t think he’s doing anything egregious though. I like downtime (whether that involves a phone or not) and couldn’t be with someone who wants to be on the go doing activities 24/7