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Original poster

Would you leave a relationship for this?

126 replies

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:25

Just to preface this with the fact that I know you can leave a relationship for any reason you want. I just want to know how many other people would find this to be a deal breaker. I am doubting myself here as there are lots of upsides.

My OH is a lovely, kind, generous man, who will do anything for me. I trust him as much as its possible to trust anyone. My DD (who isn't his) gets on well with him. He enhances my life in many ways. He helps around the house and pulls his weight. Our sex life is good.

But I cannot cope with his phone use. He is on his phone every waking minute of the day. It's very hard to persuade him to do anything else. I hate it. I think its lame and stupid. I have asked him to spend less time on it and he doesn't understand the issue. He just defaults to it in this bovine, unthinking way and I find it so stupid and lacking in dynamism. It's all pretty innocuous, there's no porn (that I have ever discovered), no messaging other women, mainly just facebook and football sites and occasionally newspapers. I just find it so depressing that an individual would prefer doom-scrolling to doing anything else in life and so tired of it being in my space all the time.

Would you leave a relationship for this?

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 31/12/2022 13:58

What instrument do you play, OP?

DuplicateUserName · 31/12/2022 13:59

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:50

@MayThe4th

And yeah I do think people who sit on their phones all day are beneath me.

Oh, cross posted.

In that case I hope he dumps you (and he will eventually).

Just make sure he doesn't move in first, as it may upset your daughter when he leaves.

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 13:59

Actually I think he should end the relationship. He can do better.

DuplicateUserName · 31/12/2022 14:00

Bernadinetta · 31/12/2022 13:58

What instrument do you play, OP?

The worlds tiniest violin by the sound of it.

NuffSaidSam · 31/12/2022 14:01

He deserves much better OP.

Cut him loose and let him find someone who doesn't think he's a waste of oxygen.

And do seek some therapy to deal with your issues, for your daughter's sake.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/12/2022 14:02

Leave him, lots of other single women out there who will appreciate him.
You clearly are finding fault with him so why stay? Go look for some one who is perfect for you

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/12/2022 14:02

DuplicateUserName · 31/12/2022 14:00

The worlds tiniest violin by the sound of it.

Show quote history

Haha made me chuckle

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/12/2022 14:03

@Bernadinetta Id like to know that too

adriftabroad · 31/12/2022 14:07

Christ. End the relationship you self obsessed idiot.

Watch the men queue up.

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 14:07

It's an addiction that he is not even trying to control. He cannot be fully present at any time. He's probably scrolling pointless shit. Yes, it would be a deal breaker for me.

tirednewmumm · 31/12/2022 14:07

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:48

@MayThe4th

I probably am incredibly snobby tbf. But I can’t help how I feel…. think an unproductive life is a waste of oxygen and I don’t owe it to anyone to stay with them out of pity or a sense of egalitarianism.

But how much does one need to be productive? I'm confused here, do you need him to be actively productive all the time? If so you're very unreasonable!

I'm a very productive person, I love to be doing and spend free time after my son is in bed on diy projects or sewing but sometimes yes reading news or social media on my phone.

Tbh I don't think anyone should dictate leisure time but don't move in together you're not at all compatible sadly . You can't help feeling the way you do and he shouldn't have to change I suppose so just a bad mix

BaddogGooddoggy · 31/12/2022 14:08

I would hate it personally, I also hate the TV on unless someone is actively watching it (if you see what I mean). We’re all different. In this respect you sound incompatible so it’s a balanced judgement for you. Maybe don’t move in, and ban phones when you’re together? That’s how me and DP run things.

Peckhaminn · 31/12/2022 14:13

Hi OP,

I completely agree with you. My OH has a screen time of 6 hours a day on his phone. It's embarrassing. Mine it's about an hour overall a day. I think it's something you need to discuss with him.

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 14:15

It’s one thing to be irritated by someone’s phone use.

It’s quite another to think that someone who spends a lot of time on their phone is thick and beneath you, and to complain about it by oh, let’s see, using a phone to join a forum and post on a website where most people are using devices, the OP included.

Irony much?

hopeishere · 31/12/2022 14:17

What uplifting and cerebral activities are you engaged with when he's scrolling?

Do you have shared interests? Do you do other stuff together?

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 14:18

It’s weird how polarised this thread has become. Some people are totally fine with phone use and think being opposed to it is snobbish. Others find it burdensome.

I do think it’s a real issue in our society the amount of time people are scrolling on a device which makes them not “present” for others and it’s a complete time vortex, it eats so much time.

Maybe I am BU but it makes me want to climb the walls tbh.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 31/12/2022 14:18

If I am not at work, cooking, shopping, at the gym, crocheting, walking dogs or sleeping, I probably will be half watching TV and half browsing on my iPad. So probably a bit like your husband. If my husband said this made me beneath him, I’d be very uncomfortable about the relationship.

tirednewmumm · 31/12/2022 14:20

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 14:18

It’s weird how polarised this thread has become. Some people are totally fine with phone use and think being opposed to it is snobbish. Others find it burdensome.

I do think it’s a real issue in our society the amount of time people are scrolling on a device which makes them not “present” for others and it’s a complete time vortex, it eats so much time.

Maybe I am BU but it makes me want to climb the walls tbh.

I think a lot of us are more inbetween but it doesn't matter how we feel, it's a big issue for you so the relationship probably has no future. No shame in that just maybe something to look out for earlier on next time

AngelinaFibres · 31/12/2022 14:21

adriftabroad · 31/12/2022 14:07

Christ. End the relationship you self obsessed idiot.

Watch the men queue up.

This. Set the lovely man free to find someone who truly loves ( and respects) him. You sound like an absolute arse Op.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2022 14:24

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:30

@StickyCricket

He does a lot around the house. I can’t fault him here. I just mean that his default leisure activity is going on the phone. He never reads books or plays an instrument or anything else. If he doesn’t have anything more pressing to do he will default to sitting in bed on the phone.

So if he was reading a book or watching the TV that would be ok?

Does he ignore you and his surroundings when he is on it? Does he hear you if you speak?

Violashift · 31/12/2022 14:24

Googlecanthelpme · 31/12/2022 13:52

You’re ultimately not compatible.

I spend a lot of time reading on my phone, watching interesting and informative YouTube videos and listening to podcasts. As does my partner. It is my main source of information, news and entertainment.

I am not thick, ignorant or anything else along those lines. My partner and I are both educated and actually enjoy taking back our “findings” from online research and discussing them.

It is a legitimate way of spending down time and switching off. It is no different from reading a physical book or listening to the radio / news.

His down time should be spent however he sees fit, if you don’t like it then you’re entitled to end the relationship. For instance I would not be in a relationship with someone with a season ticket to the football or someone who played cricket every weekend. I wouldn’t want a partner who played dungeons and dragons or board games as a grown adult.

we all have our preferences.

I agree with this. To think you are better than someone as it's your way only is a bad personality flaw.

I wouldn't want to be with a golfer or a cyclist. However I don't think they are better than me. Just different preferences.

As you said you can leave for any reason.

Are you arrogant in other area of your life too?

CrystalCoco · 31/12/2022 14:25

The phone use is neither here nor there, your attitude is the problem.

Show him this thread and you can save yourself the bother of figuring anything else out as I'm sure he'd bin you first if he saw what you'd written about him.

And for what it's worth, no one, not one single person on this planet, is beneath you.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2022 14:25

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:40

I just think there’s something uniquely thick and wasteful about sitting on your phone. It’s such a bovine and dumb way to pass time and it’s hugely addictive. I really hate the idea of hours being squandered in such a non productive fashion. I’m not a huge fan of the tv being on all the time either tbh but that’s not something he has a problem with.

Show quote history

I think he'd be better off not moving in with you.

You are a crashing, unpleasant snob.

What do you do in your leisure time that's so worthy?

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 14:26

It’s weird how polarised this thread has become. Some people are totally fine with phone use and think being opposed to it is snobbish. Others find it burdensome. no, you’re being completely disingenuous here.

Nobody has said that being opposed to excessive phone use is snobbish. Being annoyed that someone is on their phone rather than playing an instrument, that they’re beneath you and thick definitely is though.

Oh and just a word of warning, your dd is going to reach an age soon where she spends her every waking moment on her phone. On social media, snapchat, instagram, tiktok and the list goes on. And if you think you will be able to control it past the age of about fourteen you are very naive. So presumably your daughter is thick and beneath you as well then.

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