Would you leave a relationship for this?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just to preface this with the fact that I know you can leave a relationship for any reason you want. I just want to know how many other people would find this to be a deal breaker. I am doubting myself here as there are lots of upsides.

My OH is a lovely, kind, generous man, who will do anything for me. I trust him as much as its possible to trust anyone. My DD (who isn't his) gets on well with him. He enhances my life in many ways. He helps around the house and pulls his weight. Our sex life is good.

But I cannot cope with his phone use. He is on his phone every waking minute of the day. It's very hard to persuade him to do anything else. I hate it. I think its lame and stupid. I have asked him to spend less time on it and he doesn't understand the issue. He just defaults to it in this bovine, unthinking way and I find it so stupid and lacking in dynamism. It's all pretty innocuous, there's no porn (that I have ever discovered), no messaging other women, mainly just facebook and football sites and occasionally newspapers. I just find it so depressing that an individual would prefer doom-scrolling to doing anything else in life and so tired of it being in my space all the time.

Would you leave a relationship for this?

I do feel huge guilt (to the point of having felt suicidal) for watching TV and doing anything non productive. Maybe that’s not normal.

It’s good that you can recognise this, OP. Maybe you could cut yourself some slack and enjoy a little idleness occasionally, let your mind wander.

Your DP isn’t abnormal, just different from you. You probably find him a bit boring.

Could the two of you take up some hobby that would interest you both?

Do talk to him and give both of you a chance to find out if you can find middle ground you’d both be happy on.

Mine used to be a scroller. Mindlessly moving his finger as he was hypnotised, not hearing me, not doing anything but scroll.

Eventually I told him if I’m living with a man who’s not here he may as well fuck off and leave.

He quit fakebook.

Agree with this. Here’s a list of things I’ve done on my phone today, that if you saw me as an observer you might think is mindless scrolling. Also, things which would’ve previously been done not on a phone:

Online banking on my bank app- paid in some Christmas cheques (by taking photos of them and uploading these), moved funds to various savings accounts, and paid some invoices such as my daughter’s swimming and dance class fees for the upcoming term.
Previously this would’ve been done by going into the bank branch, sending cheques or paying cash.

Read a book review of a book I want to listen to on audible.
Previously this would’ve been done by reading a magazine.

Completed the New York Times Crossword puzzle on the app.
Previously would’ve been done in the physical paper.

Looked at and “liked” some Christmas/New Year photos of my family members who live in another country and friends who live in a different part of U.K.
Previously would’ve received a card and photos in the post.

Looked up a recipe to make with New Year’s Day meal leftovers later in the week.
Previously would’ve used a recipe book.

Made a shopping list for ingredients needed for the above recipe, in the notes function.
Previously would’ve used pen and paper.

Looked up a local National Trust place’s opening hours over the bank holidays.
Not sure how I would’ve done this previously, maybe phone them?

I had heard a news story on the radio while I was driving about some Roman coins that were previously thought to be fake but had been proven to be real due to testing the soil in the ridges of the letters, I looked up the article about it on my phone and read it, and also sent the link to my sister as I know she’d be interested in it too.
Previously, maybe looked up in an encyclopaedia?

Had a text conversation with my DD who is at her Dad’s for a few days, asking what she’s been up to and wishing her a happy new year.
Previously a phone call maybe?

I have a job interview in January so I started googling a few relevant articles and documents to prepare for that, skim read a couple and saved some for later.
Previously maybe read in books/journals?

Have also read some funny tweets on Twitter, some funny some interesting and some moving threads on mumsnet and looked at some interesting but some boring photos on Instagram!

If this is your only issue with him then I’d take a look at your reasons for being so anti this and try and address them. It would seem a shame to throw away a good relationship for this. Stop making him feel bad for how he chooses to spend his leisure time
If OP hates this behaviour (as I would), she doesn't have to address her "issue" around it so as to accommodate someone who does it all the time.

So if he read the news on a paper He'd be OK, if he checked the sport in the TV he'd be OK but because its on his phone he's just a thick cow? Not really sure why you're taking your dislike of your partner out on vows anyway. They don't have the dexterity for texting

Have you tried total honesty?

Despite being a good partner who pleasures me in bed, does his share of housework in a house he doesn't live and being good with my daughter, I think you're thick, beneath me nad a waste of oxygen for using your phone to do anything but call me.

Then let him take it from there. You obviously have no respect for him, you need toet him find seine who likes him.

God no, he can’t check the sport on the TV 😱 It makes the OP feel suicidal. The only way to know the sports scores is to actually go to a match. Or is spectating not predicative enough for you, OP- he can only know the scores of a sports match he actually plays in?

I wouldnt be jnto it either but I probably wouldn't class him as beneath me. I just prefer (when I'm with my dp) to chat, walk watch movies together. Neither of us use our phones much when we're together. I guess I'd feel like my presence was a bit superfluous if he was always on it

OP I hear you. My DH is not a big phone user and neither am I, but I am driven to distraction trying to walk anywhere for people tottering around on their phones - trying not to bump into them as they have semi-disabled their walking ability. Parks, streets, countryside, its everywhere - they even walk their dogs scrolling away - what are they doing?

🙄 you have no idea what any of those people are doing on their phones. How do you know it’s a dancing dog. You sound a bit of bore to me

It must be like being with a mute bore of a man.
It would drive me insane.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM So you'd feel the same if they were all reading the newspaper and not looking around? Or is that different? I think I'd give pretty short shrift to someone who thought I was less intelligent for reading the NYT or Spectator on my phone rather than in print to be honest.

Bit hypocritical posting that on social media.

Or are you using a laptop and therefore maintaining the high ground?

We spend too much times on electronics in our house. Its because we have ADHD and we need the stimulation.

This, I read this this thinking the same. The irony being on Mumsnet complaining. !

They are on their phones laughing at you 🤣🤣

Good lord, I’d very much rather be with someone who is quietly reading things on his phone than someone screeching away at a violin … but you do you; this may have brought to light something in you that needs healing, sounds like, and that is largely what partnership is for

I'd shoot my DP if he sat playing an instrument in bed.

What do you do with your free time OP?

I'd take offence if my DH spent all of our time together on his phone. We tend to have a mix though of watching tv programs together, chatting about how our day went while eating dinner. We sometimes make a big deal of planning a 'movie night' with our kids with popcorn etc. a lot of the time though we're both scrolling through our phones, me on mumsnet or Facebook, him on car forums or Facebook. Don't see an issue with it.

My dirty mind caused me to laugh out loud to this fnar

OP I won’t entertain any man who does not get his news from hilltop smoke signals, the sports results from actually playing in the match and to be honest he’s only beneath me because people like him are long since buried underground….

I think maybe you are being unreasonable, you knew he didn't read or play an instrument long ago I presume? Every moment seems extreme, but you also days he pulls his weight. Everyone will have something, phone , TV, gaming, going out ... I guess you need to think what's reasonable from this perspective

Before smartphones were a thing, and we were still texting back and forth rather than using WhatsApp and farcebook messenger, my ex husband was addicted to playing Guild Wars and another game I can't quite remember. It's all he did.

I was left trying to do everything, so I left him.

No I wouldn't throw everything away just for that.

I think you're being U. But I think it means more to you than the phone, so this probably isn't the man for you

I think phone scrolling is the new tv. As kids we were always told not to watch too much telly, or your eyes will turn square. Phones are the next thing. The difference is, that only the scroller know what's they are reading, and you can't discuss what they are seeing. At least with the telly you can have a conversation and interact with the watcher about what's happening.

Would you feel the same way if he were reading a book op? That also very insular, but is somehow perceived better