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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave a relationship for this?

126 replies

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:25

Just to preface this with the fact that I know you can leave a relationship for any reason you want. I just want to know how many other people would find this to be a deal breaker. I am doubting myself here as there are lots of upsides.

My OH is a lovely, kind, generous man, who will do anything for me. I trust him as much as its possible to trust anyone. My DD (who isn't his) gets on well with him. He enhances my life in many ways. He helps around the house and pulls his weight. Our sex life is good.

But I cannot cope with his phone use. He is on his phone every waking minute of the day. It's very hard to persuade him to do anything else. I hate it. I think its lame and stupid. I have asked him to spend less time on it and he doesn't understand the issue. He just defaults to it in this bovine, unthinking way and I find it so stupid and lacking in dynamism. It's all pretty innocuous, there's no porn (that I have ever discovered), no messaging other women, mainly just facebook and football sites and occasionally newspapers. I just find it so depressing that an individual would prefer doom-scrolling to doing anything else in life and so tired of it being in my space all the time.

Would you leave a relationship for this?

OP posts:
GoT1904 · 31/12/2022 14:53

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 14:26

@AngelinaFibres

Yeah I’m going to ignore the character assassination because perhaps I asked for that but how can you know he’s “lovely”?

I’m quite struck by how spiteful some of these posts are: I’m fully prepared to be told I am wrong or harsh but an “arse” because I disapprove of endless phone scrolling seems a tad extreme. Oh well, that told me.

Think it's probably the "yes I think that people on their phones are beneath me" comment. Who are you to think anyone is beneath you? Especially based on their leisure time.

.. sent from my phone x

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 14:55

Spoilsport! We want to know what instrument the OP spends her leisure time perfecting! didn’t you know? It’s the keyboard? After all the OP has spent the past hour playing on one. ;)

SkylightSkylight · 31/12/2022 14:56

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 13:50

@MayThe4th

And yeah I do think people who sit on their phones all day are beneath me.

Then set the poor Bloke free from your attitude. It sounds like he's already had enough of you & your faux snobby ways. You're not interesting him enough for him to prefer your company to his phone.

Jux · 31/12/2022 14:58

As someone else said upthread,

WHAT INSTRUMENT DO YOU PLAY, OP?????

How often, for how long do you play at a time?

ThirtyThreeTrees · 31/12/2022 15:03

Can't you think of any other ways to entertain him?!

NuffSaidSam · 31/12/2022 15:03

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 14:26

@AngelinaFibres

Yeah I’m going to ignore the character assassination because perhaps I asked for that but how can you know he’s “lovely”?

I’m quite struck by how spiteful some of these posts are: I’m fully prepared to be told I am wrong or harsh but an “arse” because I disapprove of endless phone scrolling seems a tad extreme. Oh well, that told me.

I'm going to take you at face value.

Have a re-read through your posts and look at what you say, the language you use.

If you still genuinely don't understand the parts of your posts people are taking issue with, show it to a close friend and ask them to explain it to you.

Having such a low level of self awareness will be holding you back in ways that you don't even realise, it would be a wonderful thing to do for yourself to get some insight into this.

buttermut · 31/12/2022 15:10

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 14:55

Spoilsport! We want to know what instrument the OP spends her leisure time perfecting! didn’t you know? It’s the keyboard? After all the OP has spent the past hour playing on one. ;)

Grin
TheShellBeach · 31/12/2022 15:16

I play the organ, piano and violin, OP.
I also sing in a famous choir.
I like messing about on my phone, too.
You sound awful. All the adjectives you've used to denigrate this unfortunate man are dreadful.
You even appear to think that being called a snob is a compliment FFS.

LifeExperience · 31/12/2022 15:20

Please let this man go. He deserves to be with someone who doesn't feel contempt for him.

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 31/12/2022 15:21

OK fair enough I can see that I have offended people and that some of the language I used has shocked some of you.

Guess I need to go away and take a look at myself and maybe this is a wake up call.

I’m sorry if I appear snobbish. I was brought up by parents who strongly disapproved of time wasting of any kind (and TV was their pet hate, I basically wasn’t allowed to watch anything non educational). They used to talk about people who watch TV in similar ways, ie they said it was for stupid people who didn’t read.

I have always assumed that while their views were a bit extreme that their basic position was right but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it is time to reasses this.

I do feel huge guilt (to the point of having felt suicidal) for watching TV and doing anything non productive. Maybe that’s not normal.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 15:27

Don't beat yourself up for hating phone-scrolling, OP! they are intrusive and insidious. DH and I, if we eat out, can't help noticing that we seem to be the only people in the restaurant actually enjoying each other's company. The others are scrolling, giggling, forwarding, photographing, uploading. The word "phubbing" was invented for a reason and it is poisoning our lives.

There's also the passive absorption of worldviews, like having the telly on all day. They are similar activities, but you can't take a telly to bed with you. (I just realised, as I wrote that, that many people now have a telly in the bedroom! 🤦‍♀️ Humanity is well and truly fucked 🙃)

wisbech · 31/12/2022 15:34

Ugh. Getting flashbacks to my marriage. My wife had the same attitude - that my leisure time should be spent on things she felt acceptable. So golf was OK, but computer games no. Swimming no, kick boxing yes. The phrase I recall was 'why can't you be a man'.

Pinkgirl2013 · 31/12/2022 15:34

OP do not listen to the rude comments which are extreme for your post, there is nothing wrong with you.

Bernadinetta · 31/12/2022 15:38

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 15:27

Don't beat yourself up for hating phone-scrolling, OP! they are intrusive and insidious. DH and I, if we eat out, can't help noticing that we seem to be the only people in the restaurant actually enjoying each other's company. The others are scrolling, giggling, forwarding, photographing, uploading. The word "phubbing" was invented for a reason and it is poisoning our lives.

There's also the passive absorption of worldviews, like having the telly on all day. They are similar activities, but you can't take a telly to bed with you. (I just realised, as I wrote that, that many people now have a telly in the bedroom! 🤦‍♀️ Humanity is well and truly fucked 🙃)

You can’t have been that busy enjoying each other’s company if you were watching what everyone else around you was doing. And one of the things you’ve described the others as doing is “giggling” so they must’ve been enjoying themselves?

OP- you’re right, suicidal thoughts over the guilt of watching TV is not normal.

Watching TV or scrolling on your phone (assuming all other tasks, work, housework, childcare etc generally done) is morally neutral and does not make anyone a bad person or beneath anyone else.

Bernadinetta · 31/12/2022 15:39

Pinkgirl2013 · 31/12/2022 15:34

OP do not listen to the rude comments which are extreme for your post, there is nothing wrong with you.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling suicidal over the guilt of watching TV?

Sunset6 · 31/12/2022 15:50

Give him a break - it’s the middle of winter. Most wholesome outdoor activities (eg sport, walks, gardening, visits to interesting places) are unappealing or impossible at this time of year so is it any wonder most of us sit inside eating and drinking and watching screens?

Shodan · 31/12/2022 16:04

Does he scroll through his phone if the two of you go out for a meal?

Does his scrolling provide a springboard for any conversations? (other than you telling him off for scrolling) Politics? Art? Sports? Current news? Anything?

When you have conversations, from where do you glean your knowledge of conversational topics?

What do you do in your downtime? Do you play an instrument, read a book, do some sort of craft, play a sport?

Is he knowledgeable about the world around him? Interesting to talk to? Do you share a similar sense of humour?

The attitude your parents have instilled in you is rather old-fashioned, tbh. Born of a time before there was an global library on hand, accessible immediately to research any topic you could think of. TV covers a million more topics than it used to, many of which are informative and educational.

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 16:06

You can’t have been that busy enjoying each other’s company if you were watching what everyone else around you was doing. And one of the things you’ve described the others as doing is “giggling” so they must’ve been enjoying themselves?
Giggling at stuff on their phones and forwarding it to each other. Sad as fuck!

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 31/12/2022 16:16

I do feel huge guilt (to the point of having felt suicidal) for watching TV and doing anything non productive. Maybe that’s not normal.

OP there's no maybe about it ,surely you know that ?
As we mature we do need to be aware of major influences on our life and whether we need to move past them .
Do you not have much contact with people generally ?

Bernadinetta · 31/12/2022 16:19

Shodan · 31/12/2022 16:04

Does he scroll through his phone if the two of you go out for a meal?

Does his scrolling provide a springboard for any conversations? (other than you telling him off for scrolling) Politics? Art? Sports? Current news? Anything?

When you have conversations, from where do you glean your knowledge of conversational topics?

What do you do in your downtime? Do you play an instrument, read a book, do some sort of craft, play a sport?

Is he knowledgeable about the world around him? Interesting to talk to? Do you share a similar sense of humour?

The attitude your parents have instilled in you is rather old-fashioned, tbh. Born of a time before there was an global library on hand, accessible immediately to research any topic you could think of. TV covers a million more topics than it used to, many of which are informative and educational.

Laughing together, seeing things they find funny online and sharing them with their friends? What’s sad about that?

tickticksnooze · 31/12/2022 16:19

No it is not normal to feel suicidal about watching TV.

Bernadinetta · 31/12/2022 16:20

Alcemeg · 31/12/2022 16:06

You can’t have been that busy enjoying each other’s company if you were watching what everyone else around you was doing. And one of the things you’ve described the others as doing is “giggling” so they must’ve been enjoying themselves?
Giggling at stuff on their phones and forwarding it to each other. Sad as fuck!

Sorry @Shodan I quoted the wrong post.

Reply to @Alcemeg Laughing together, seeing things they find funny online and sharing them with their friends? What’s sad about that?

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 31/12/2022 16:28

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman Maybe you do have a hangover from childhood - but I don't have any such hangover, and scrolling around on a phone would be a relationship-killer for me. I can't begin to imagine how anyone who's remotely interesting or intelligent would want to spend their time like that (I don't even have a phone, because I hate them so much). I feel similar about TV, but a bit less so - as scrolling tends to involve the scroller being rude and failing to engage with the person they're actually with (because they're engaging with some crappy Facebook post), whereas at least watching TV is just bovine.

I hate watching people on buses and trains (for example), all scrolling away. Nobody talks to the people around them, or even looks at the people around them. They're all locked inside their virtual lives. If they looked around them, they would see that real life is far more interesting than some stupid video of a dancing dog.

So no, I would not move in with anyone who went in for that stuff.

BlastedPimples · 31/12/2022 16:42

Is it mindless phone use?

I read books on my phone.

I do Duolingo on my phone.

I read the news in my phone.

I do spend a lot of time on my phone. But I wouldn't call it mindless.

Zanatdy · 31/12/2022 16:58

Your last post explains a lot. In your opinion there’s something wrong with spending time on a phone; but it’s a legitimate use of leisure time and you can learn a lot from the internet, it’s not all mind numbing bull shit. Personally if someone told me that I’d have to review my phone use before moving in with them I’d tell them to take a running jump. If this is your only issue with him then I’d take a look at your reasons for being so anti this and try and address them. It would seem a shame to throw away a good relationship for this. Stop making him feel bad for how he chooses to spend his leisure time