How to cope with an almost sexless marriage? Can counselling really help?

[LosingIt2022]

Hoping this is the most appropriate subforum.
I'm looking for some advice because the lack of sex life is putting a huge strain on our relationship.
I want to propose some form of couples therapy / counselling because this is the only way I can think of to make her understand how important this is to me; I do not expect miracles but I do not want to leave any stones unturned.
If nothing changes, I would at least like to understand if there are some coping strategies to help me not lose my sanity - I am banging my head against the wall while dying inside and she doesn't seem to take notice.

What are your experiences?
Is there really a solution for couples whose sex drives change so much over time?

The story:

I'm male, my wife and I are both mid 30s, we have 2 kids.

I have always had a higher sex drive but, while mine has remained constant, hers has been constantly plummeting.

It used to be about once a week, I imagined it would have become less frequent, but I never imagined once every 2-3 months.

When it happens, she gets really lost in the moment, which is amazing, but it has simply moved at the very bottom of her priority list: it will only happen if she's not too tired, if she has already finished her favourite TV series, if that night her best friend doesn't call her to rant about her new life as a divorcee, etc etc.

Any attempt at experimenting has been shot down mercilessly: new lingerie makes her feel under pressure, toys are not her thing.

I have tried to plan and set some time for ourselves in advance, but she says this makes her feel too much pressure.

Any attempt at communicating is very hard because she just does not want to talk about these things; she was brought up in a very conservative, not religious but Jane-Austen-like environment.

I asked if she would ever be willing to, well, tease me; there are times when she wants to cuddle and nothing more, is that really that different? Apparently for her yes, she was horrified at the idea.

I got really, really cross because a couple of weeks ago she told me in the morning that she would have actually wanted me but I was in the loft, working. Why didn't you call me? So I should just wait in bed for you to finish your TV series, on the off chance that once in a blue moon you might actually want me, but there can be no communication or planning?

I have lost count of the number of times I told her how I feel rejected and unimportant, and how I feel less important than a stupid TV series. It just doesn't register, it's as if I were speaking a different language.

There are lots of other things in the relationship which work really well, and they are a huge reason why I fancy her so much, but this remains a big problem.
I often wonder: had I known it would have ended up like this, would I have married this person and had 2 kids?

@ZaphodDent

Are you and your wife waiting until you both feel madly up for it before you do it?

That sort of feeling is rare after decades together (though does happen).

I think at our age sex is more an agreement that sex is good for us as a couple and we should do it regularly and make the effort. I don't think either of us goes to bed crazed with desire but each weekend there is an understanding that it would be good and we will make the effort. I only need DH to work some of his lover magic and the pile of laundry and worry about heating bills is forgotten ...

If your partner is waiting to feel crazed with desire then you'll both wait forever. ....

There's nothing wrong with giving sex a whirl and seeing how you go. You can always stop if it really isn't happening for you. As we sometimes do.

Also sometimes I think people have such crazy expectations of sex, it's got to feel perfect, the time has to be just right, the mood just right etc etc

I think couples have more fun and connection if they just get on and do it - sometimes it will be mind blowing, often good and nice - sometimes a bit rubbish and sometimes quite frankly you should have stuck to having a nice cup of tea.

But at least you tried and you tried together.

If I was with a man who used the term “feminazi” my fanny would be drier than the Sahara…

Stop blaming other people, and look at your own behaviour.

I have the opposite thing going on, but I love and respect my husband .. the sex may come back, it may not - doesn’t make me love him any less, and I know he loves me. I adore him .. with or without sex.

@ExtraOnions I think most married people would want some level of sexual intimacy in their marriage though - it's not an unusual ask.

I make it a rule to never fuck a man who would use the word "feminazi".

You need a girlfriend. Maybe 2 or 3.

Be honest, tell her you love her and the children but are not willing to live a life without sex. Let her decide whether she is willing to open the relationship or think about letting you go.

You will go round in circles with promises of counseling, arguing, pleading etc etc. The situation is very unlikely to change. I’ve been there with my ex husband (he was the low/no drive partner) and I’ve watched so many of my friends pull down the shutters on sex after having children.

You can parent together without living like this. It will eventually eat away at your self esteem and mental health.

Don’t “cheat”. It will come as a genuine shock to her and cause a lot of trauma and destruction. Instead, decide how you want to live, what you want from your life and your relationships and have an honest conversation.

Then live.

It is possible to be intimate without shoving your cock in someone …

@ExtraOnions Well, luckily we are all different, aren't we, and, even though it may come as a shock to you, what applies to you doesn't necessarily apply to everyone.
If you really want to know, 'feminazi' is a term first used by my wife, in relation to certain incidents with some really nasty characters. I am not going to get into details because I don't want to share over-specific stuff which might identify us. If you don't want to believe me, I don't care.

It is honestly utterly and totally irrelevant whether some words used by other women trigger you.
What I find interesting is that you seem to lack the emotional intelligence and the open-mindedness to appreciate that what applies to you isn't universal, and that one can criticise certain extremes without necessarily being a misogynist. But you do you, think what you want.

What I have just written to @ExtraOnions applies to you, too.
I am not surprised to see these replies on this site, to be honest. But it was still worth the time because not all forum users are like you two and I did receive some very useful insights. You do you. Goodbye.

Your attitude towards women as a whole is very telling indeed.

If you really want to know, 'feminazi' is a term first used by my wife, in relation to certain incidents with some really nasty characters.

Your wife using the term does not magically stop it from being a misogynistic term inappropriate to use here.
Women can have internalised misogyny.
A slur is a slur is a slur.

@category12 I disagree in the strongest possible way. So my wife is a ... misogynist because she used the word? Really?

By your same logic, anyone who criticises the excesses of, I don't know, champagne socialists is automatically some kind of fascist?

Yes, champagne socialists is a derogatory term. But it can be used deservedly.
It doesn't mean that all those who use it are fascists who hate equality hate the poor etc. And I say this as someone who has always voted left-wing. In fact, I despise champagne socialists precisely because they actually advance right-wing causes by alienating ordinary people.

The same for feminazi. It is a derogatory term but sometimes it is used deservedly. Using it doesn't mean one hates women. But, sure, telling yourself that only misogynists use the word is much easier than accepting that the world is complex, people may have different views, some feminists actually hold extremist views, etc. Much, much more complex - way too complex for some people.

Yeah right, come to a mostly female messageboard asking advice, use the term feminazi, and when challenged on it say "my wife uses it!"

😂

Yes, do mansplain me how it's fine some more.

Husband, if that is you then I am sorry.

I initially felt so sorry for you OP. The more you’ve responded, the more I can see why your wife likely doesn’t want to have sex with you. Your entire attitude comes across as pretty sexist, mememe, sulky, selfish and pretty demeaning to your wife. The way you’re responding to most women on here is pretty gross and feninizi? Any man who uses that word would receive a lifetime ban from my vagina, just gross.

Your attitude tells me all we need to know. Your wife likely isn’t in to you and you seem to feel it’s her duty to be a good little warm hole for you to access. I’d put my house on this: she doesn’t fancy you and you don’t please her sexually so she has to fake pleasure to get the deed over and done with as quickly as possible. There’s no way she’d be having the most amazing sex with you and then wanting none for months on end.

Stop blaming her and work on yourself. She doesn’t fancy you, clearly. Is your personal hygiene up to scratch? Are you kind to her? Are you a sex pest? Do you take her out for dates without the presumptuous undertones of doing it just to get laid?

I have had difficulties with the low sex drive of my wife. We are in a far better place now, having sex 1-4 times a week

i would want to know what she is doing to try to improve your sex love life? And how she thinks it’s going to get better? At the moment it sounds like it’s your problem not hers, and you’re trying to do all the fixing of it. But in fact it’s a problem in your relationship.

I think therapy is really useful. the hard bit is getting your partner to go with you, if they are not inclined to (She probably thinks she’s going to get all the blame for the problem)

I think what you say to her and what you do is really important. If you tell her this is really important and you are worried about your relationship now, you should insist on going to couples therapy and just go ahead and book it. Then she had to not turn up to avoid it

if you just talk about it you can give the message that it’s not actually that important. It can just look like something you get upset about sometimes. So following through and insisting on change shows her you’re serious about this.

Problems with sex bassist lots of Marriages to fail. You are right to take this seriously. Now follow through

If there's a takeaway from this thread it should be that things change and this is a common occurrence in marriages with children. Also common during menopause. There's a reason why you see older men in second marriages with younger women, then a baby comes along and the whole cycle starts again.

An acceptance that this is fairly normal may help you to rationalise what's happening and not take it so personally.

It sounds like a lot of things do work with your marriage so you need to decide if it's worth the risk of tearing your family apart so you get more sex (essentially putting your children at the mercy of step parents so you can get regularly laid again for a few more years).

Definitely take a look at the step parent threads on here before you decide to do that to your kids.

The same for feminazi. It is a derogatory term but sometimes it is used deservedly. Using it doesn't mean one hates women. But, sure, telling yourself that only misogynists use the word is much easier than accepting that the world is complex, people may have different views, some feminists actually hold extremist views, etc. Much, much more complex - way too complex for some people

You know, that.... Coupled with your latest posts have told us exactly what kind of dude you are, don't you?

An underactive thyroid can have a drastic affect on libido, destroying it completely. Mine packed up completely when dd was 2. Is this a possibility?

Lost all sympathy when you used ‘feminazi’.

It’s very common for women to lose their sexual desire for a partner once they’ve had children, due to the simple fact that you have fulfilled your reproductive roles.

That doesn’t help resolve your problem but may partially explain it.

This is why people have affairs. Then their partner wonders why Not many people are happy in a sexless relationship. One is one isn't normally. I don't think it can be fixed but do the right thing and don't cheat.

I agree with this. You must look pathetic running around tying yourself in knots because you are so sexually frustrated it's embarrassing. Do the decent thing and be honest

I'd give an ultimatum- attend counselling with you or you'll consider it to be an open marriage.

If she can't get on board then you'll probably need to separate.

She is bored or she can't be arsed or she is not that into you. Or more likely she doesn't feel the impulse like you do. I think some people simply have a higher sex drive than others and this changes over time.

This sounds awful but is probably true. I think people get bored and also may also not feel physical desire as often as they used to do. You have mismatched desires at the moment. You need to decide how important it is to you and act accordingly. No one wants pity or compulsory sex, so how much of a deal breaker is this for you?

I don't think you can necessarily do anything to change this.

I thought the same 😂

Being so angry is not going to get you anywhere @LosingIt2022.

The only thing you have any power to change is your own approach to sex, your approach to your wife generally and the way you frame the issue.

I hope that you can both go to counselling. For the time being, I would take sex off the agenda totally.

Good luck with the counselling.