How to cope with an almost sexless marriage? Can counselling really help?

[LosingIt2022]

Hoping this is the most appropriate subforum.
I'm looking for some advice because the lack of sex life is putting a huge strain on our relationship.
I want to propose some form of couples therapy / counselling because this is the only way I can think of to make her understand how important this is to me; I do not expect miracles but I do not want to leave any stones unturned.
If nothing changes, I would at least like to understand if there are some coping strategies to help me not lose my sanity - I am banging my head against the wall while dying inside and she doesn't seem to take notice.

What are your experiences?
Is there really a solution for couples whose sex drives change so much over time?

The story:

I'm male, my wife and I are both mid 30s, we have 2 kids.

I have always had a higher sex drive but, while mine has remained constant, hers has been constantly plummeting.

It used to be about once a week, I imagined it would have become less frequent, but I never imagined once every 2-3 months.

When it happens, she gets really lost in the moment, which is amazing, but it has simply moved at the very bottom of her priority list: it will only happen if she's not too tired, if she has already finished her favourite TV series, if that night her best friend doesn't call her to rant about her new life as a divorcee, etc etc.

Any attempt at experimenting has been shot down mercilessly: new lingerie makes her feel under pressure, toys are not her thing.

I have tried to plan and set some time for ourselves in advance, but she says this makes her feel too much pressure.

Any attempt at communicating is very hard because she just does not want to talk about these things; she was brought up in a very conservative, not religious but Jane-Austen-like environment.

I asked if she would ever be willing to, well, tease me; there are times when she wants to cuddle and nothing more, is that really that different? Apparently for her yes, she was horrified at the idea.

I got really, really cross because a couple of weeks ago she told me in the morning that she would have actually wanted me but I was in the loft, working. Why didn't you call me? So I should just wait in bed for you to finish your TV series, on the off chance that once in a blue moon you might actually want me, but there can be no communication or planning?

I have lost count of the number of times I told her how I feel rejected and unimportant, and how I feel less important than a stupid TV series. It just doesn't register, it's as if I were speaking a different language.

There are lots of other things in the relationship which work really well, and they are a huge reason why I fancy her so much, but this remains a big problem.
I often wonder: had I known it would have ended up like this, would I have married this person and had 2 kids?

Is it still the school holidays?

'As I said I won't be engaging with you any more, but I am very interested to see if you address and answer this specific question' said the person who is not engasging any more.....😏
You write in such a scolding way: 'who have shown a lot of patience and given their time to explain'

If you dont want to partake in the thread or you hate men or the OP does not sound like you want him to sound then leave the thread. Please. ou sound so fucking painful. The guy comes on for advice and you go off on a rage inspired tangent.

Firstly, best to ignore the nasties on here. If you are asking advice on the relationship board you will be lucky to get 1/3 of the advice not to be counter productive, but even a tiny % of many comments should yield some good ones. Ignore the usual chaff and just be pleased they are not in your life.

Secondly, as I see it you have a serious problem of identifying the issue you face. The sexless marriage is the secondary issue. The primary issue is you are married to someone who has no interest in taking action of address the matter in the relationship. She may be off sex for some time and have legitimate issues but her reluctance to seriously engage with this issue should give you pause for thought.

Re: counselling there are many horror stories of money and time wasted on counselling. Consider an individual session as a trial run to see if the councillor seems competent? Screen well beforehand (there are those who are just like some of the “delightful types” on here) but then try individual sessions. Focus on finding a councillor who she is likely to listen too. You could also see if there are older couples in your area who do couples coaching, that could also be useful but I don’t thin k they are common.

It is important to remember you and your wife are human so will both think emotionally. There may be more going on than either of you consciously are aware of. Also do some examination of what things were like at the start what changed etc. What seemed to make you attractive have you inadvertently changed that role. Perhaps find some more make friends outside of the home, a bit of a break may help mentally clear your mind, less low quality proximity may be good for both of you.

Remember just stopping all sex and moving to another room can be less stressful for you and may be a useful option. Sex once in a blue moon but having no idea when they will come will be stressful so moving to another room and just mentally accepting that you don’t do that any more may be easier. Though this is probably a point of no return.

Finally, make an exit plan. If things are unsolvable then you need to know the options, all of them. Look up what others have done and consider what could work. Perhaps sharing a house while co-parenting, or ensuring you both live near each other for shared parenting, etc. You need to have all the options. Counselling may throw up that you are better off apart so you have to be ready for that.

I quite like "melt" as an insult actually, you don't see it that often but being called love? Grinds my gears. But I realise this thread isn't about me and don't want to derail it with raising anti semitism etc, so get back to discussing why OP isn't getting as much sex as he wants...

Having read some of the other things you have said in response to others, it sounds like you like some level of order in your life. On that basis, I suspect the highly infrequent and unpredictable nature of you sex life I would suggest actually moving to another room and just stopping all sex.

As you have said it can only be a temporary measure, but it provides you with some space. This could provide some space for you to bring up the issue of counselling. Give it a thought.

Maybe offer some advice so?

I don't give advice to men like the OP on how to have more sex that his wife doesn't want. People have tried to give advice and support and OP has been misogynistic and aggressive towards some posters. I certainly don't want to engage with that. I wanted to point out the anti semitism as the misogny was raised and dismissed repeatedly, but the speed and vitriol to my post about anti semitism was so unpleasant that I'm giving this a swerve now.

To expand on my comment on reflecting on what your wife originally found attractive about you, look back and see how you both were at the start of the relationship.

You appear to have described a constant “fix it” approach to issues but this may be making things worse. The standard advice on here will be “you aren’t doing enough housework” but this is only sometimes an issue and sometimes may be counterproductive.

When you got together were you ambitious and pushing for advancement, or comfortable in you t job? How was she? If you were very driven but have reduced that to help deal with the children this may be turning you into someone she would not have been attracted too originally. If you were both comfortable cruisers when you met, ensuring 50:50 housework split would be in keeping with who you were. If you were driven and she was cruising that may be the last thing you should do, you would probably be better off hiring a cleaner to help take the pressure off.

Also, did you always WFH? Or did you commute? WFH may be “practical” for things but going back to an office may be undoing the creation of a detrimental environment.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles
"OP has been misogynistic and aggressive towards some posters."

And you have been nothing but charming? Glass houses...

But they can;t offer advice, they said 6 posts ago that they were not going to post any more... 🤔

If you quote people & tag them, don't complain that they come back to respond. 🙄

If you use misogynistic language on a mainly female forum, don't whinge about being called out on it. Or anywhere really. Just don't use misogynistic language as a general rule.

Don't say you 'help' with the chores and the kids.

My partner and I encountered this issue and it turned out that pretty much any and all hormonal birth control destroyed my sex drive without me even noticing. My poor husband was so sad. There were times I even tried to make myself interested and it didn’t work out well. Not suggesting your wife do this by the way.

We now use a combination method of natural family planning (AKA taking charge of your fertility) and condoms. It’s a nice compromise as we both hate condoms but my sex drive is not dead in the water. We can have unprotected sec half the month and protected sex the other half.

But the natural family planning is a HUGE commitment on the women’s part and if she is not 110% invested in it she can and will have an unintended pregnancy! Like she’s got to read the book and the rules cover to cover and be enthusiastic about it. So it doesn’t work for every couple. Not to mention certain health conditions such as PCOS and hashimotos disease can make her ineligible without accepting certain risks.

So I would definitely try to rule out certain health conditions and medications first. If that doesn’t work or she doesn’t even want to talk about it then yes counseling will be a must. I think you really need to make it clear to her that this is breaking your marriage down and that ignoring it could result in a path she cannot return such as divorce.

Hi, i too have a wife that will stay up to watch tv series rather than be in bed with me, the husband, used to have a lot of sex then when son got to about 7 years old, sex just seem to stop over night, 6 yearss later we dont have sex or cuddles, other men in work say similar too. But my wife at times disappear with her friends for weekends away without me and our son, or nights where she works nights but doesn't come home on time either, theres a pattern. Perhaps she's got a friend like i think my wife has, get the impression as someone else has put and my wife got bored with me, if you're young then perhaps look elsewhere, us in our 50s dont always have the chance to start over again.. Good luck.

Hey OP.. not sure if you will read this as you said you don't have time to read all the posts (I think). I'm a bloke and have not experienced this to the level you are talking about. Our "slight bump in the road" occurred after our second was born and, like you, my Wife found (and finds) it hard to talk about sex. Also like you it was very new, frequent and exciting in the early days and when things change it feels concerning, not necessarily because the frequency was drying up, but I was more concerned about her feelings towards me. Sex became secondary even though I had and have a sky high sex drive. Had her feelings changed? Was she falling out of love with me? Had we taken our eye off the ball? Were we taking things for granted? Was I doing my fair share of childcare/housework?
I never once approached conversations with her about sex because for me, and her inability to want to talk about sex generally, would potentially mask a deeper-rooted problem if one did exist. I knew if I went in with the lack of sex it would just lead to arguments and thus making matters worse, which it appears (and sorry if I am wrong) may be part of your issue.

The way we got through this was just taking things back to basics. Taking stock about me as a person. Had I changed? As it happens yes – I was under stress, 2 young kids, work, etc. This wasn’t the only problem, but it was an acknowledgment at least, and a starting point. I had become more introverted and hadn’t realise, become defensive, grumpy and it was only when I took stock could I begin to work through it. I took us back to the things we enjoyed when we first got together, remembered the reasons (non-sexual) why we fell in love and got together. I even had some counselling – just me, as I didn’t want to drag her through it needlessly. I had to work out if I was the problem, or part of the problem, and sadly I believe I was. Thankfully things improved and got back to normal, and we are now together in our 40’s and have very regular sex and hopefully we remain happily together…
You may not like it OP, but you do need to look to see if you are the problem. That could be isolated, or she not fancy you anymore, of which may be a reality you have to face and either try and work through, or part ways. I don’t know you or your OH so I can’t speculate, but it does happen. My ex (pre my Wife) fell out of love with me but was very good at masking it to the point I thought everything was ok and then “bang” – she walked away. I was gutted and didn’t see it coming at the time, but looking back, I suppose there were signs.

I would try and focus less on the sex (for now) and search for other answers and defo go to counselling on your own first. I know you don’t mean it to come across that way, but from some of your posts it does seem like that sex is the only thing you are focused on. Sorry ☹.

I’m curious. When you say she didn’t like to talk about sex is it more like she wasn’t comfortable talking to you about sex because you had become grumpy or was it more an aversion to the topic itself because of sexual hang ups or because it felt taboo?

@KinkyMom , I think just because it was generally an emabarrasing / taboo topic of disucssion for her.

I see. I guess I just assumed that once you’re in a solid relationship and having sex regular that sex don’t feel like such an awkward uncomfortable topic. I suppose I assumed wrongly. This changes my entire outlook… 🤔

@Chrimbob I'm exactly the same. It partly caused the end of my first marriage and may well cause the end of my 2nd- alongside other things. I simply 100% go off it -

How does she respond when you ask her
“when do you find me most attractive?”
That way you can do whatever makes you more attractive more often.
There is a podcast called “Closeness”. Which you might find helpful

There’s a post on this thread somewhere that explains that women get bored of their partners quicker than males. It intrigued me as I hadn’t ever heard that before, so I’ve been looking online for research. Out of interest, are you male or female?