Parenting styles - boomer vs millennial

[winningeasy]

Hi there! I just wondered if any mothers / adult daughters have discussed/ had conflict over different parenting styles, and are there any boomers who wish they had done things differently with their children? And have you discussed this with your children since they became adults? Have you been able to adapt with your grandchildren?

Since becoming a mum, I have become particularly aware that my own childhood was really lacking in terms of emotional validation/support/guidance and am doing my best to ensure this inter generational trauma is not passed onto my own children.

Parenting styles have moved on a lot since 80s when I was growing up, now it feels like the norm to be child centred, responsive and promote deep attachment. Do you think this new approach will help future generations avoid trauma and help them keep safe and grounded in ever-more complex world?

Nope. But I'd say we'll become aware of what traumas our kids have experienced around the time they become parents.

I think Philip Larkin says it best:

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Child centred goes in and out of fashion - in during the 70s

My suspicion is that balance is the key

Kids need to learn their own coping mechanisms
Kids need unconditional love
Kids need boundaries
Kids need challenges
Kids need support and encouragement

In reacting to your parents you may go too far the other way

Think of those spider web diagrams - if you pull too far one way you can lose useful stuff at other points in the web

There are things that I would have done differently, but my children are well-rounded and stable adults. My almost adult grandchildren are doing well and we are a united family.
I don't think you can generalise about any generation and whilst there is a tendancy to try and validate your own parenting while you are doing it, only time will tell how successful you have been.

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight thanks for sharing that

It's quite the age gap to have millenial parents and boomer grandparents

@ArcticSkewer my mum had me when she was 28 and I had my first child at 38

Typically, the children of Boomers are Gen X.

I'm a millennial with a pre-boomer dad and a boomer mum. They were just a bit older when I was born (about ten years older than most of my friends' parents).

Did Gen X not have kids?!

Kids aren’t taught resilience anymore, everyone is too terrified of hurting them, but resilience and empathy for that matter, are important life skills.

What are you on about? Boomers are 58-74 and millennials are 26-41 so roughly a 32 year gap which is hardly unusual 🙄

I am a millennial. There’s definitely stuff my boomer parents got wrong. Lots they got right.

I have an adult Gen z daughter. She is an amazing adult. Very confident, emotionally intelligent etc.

However, I expect as she gets older there will be things she realises I did wrong. I have avoided the things that stand out to me that I feel mum and dad did wrong. That doesn’t mean I have avoided all wrong doing.

My youngest is Gen Alpha. I expect by the time he has kids (if he does) parenting styles will change again and people will moan about millennial/Gen z parenting, just like people moan about boomers now. Just the way of things.

There’s parents of every generation that can be unsupportive emotionally and not meet their kids needs, at all. However, I think most parents will fail to meet their kids needs at some point. We all misjudge situations, misspeak, have something misunderstood or disagreed with.

It's cool though ....

It's literally our meme - always forgotten - stuck between two self-centred generations fighting each other while we netflix and chill.

Our kids are turning out great btw

Ha! So true.

I'm a millennial and both parents are boomers, DM was 22 when I was born so hardly an old mum! DF is ten years older

@ArcticSkewer Your post is spot on!

Gen x are typically have gen z kids.

Millenials typically have boomer parents. Each generation is 20 years so that makes sense.

As usual, Gen X are totally invisible.

Which is great, because that means we can work in the shadows, unseen.

/ cackle

Love this! I try to have compassion towards my parents for things I perceive to be their faults or things from my childhood I perceive to have been mistakes. They arent perfect, nobody is, and I'm acutely aware that my own kids will grow up and have their own stories about me, I'm sure. Who doesn't, after all? I would hope they could follow my example and view me with compassion too when the time comes. I don't think it's helpful to be too critical or judgemental of our parents, in general. Vast majority of people are products of their own times and upbringings, love their kids and try their best. As children I don't think we can expect more than that from our parents and I don't think any of us do more than that for our kids either, even if some people seem to think they are much better parents than their own parents...

Gen-X, xennials etc - it's more the comparison to the way your parents parented you - let's not make this post about semantics

What did you do different and do you feel it's made a difference? And have you had a conversation with your own parents /children about your / their short comings?

Is this for an essay?

I am not sure that your parents not validating your feelings causes* *inter generational trauma? I thought IGT is when bad stuff happens and the emotional and practical fallout is passed on over generations, which it most often does of course.

WRT validating, I tend to do the whole validating thing and feel it helps with teaching coping strategies as long as you don't allow for their emotions to rule everything, they still need to manage uncomfortable situations, many parents today just let their kids avoid any challenging or emotionally uncomfortable situations, which can't be good in the long run.

The most toxic thing for young kids now is a total lack of freedom and independence. Many are helpless when they are in the teens, no idea how to do a bigger supermarket shop, travel by public transport, fix a bike, make a medical appointment etc. There is a lot of cotton wool wrapping style parenting.

Gen X have boomer parents.

It's why we just opt out and leave the rest of you to it

If only. My experience is we get lumped in with millennials when old people want to complain about the young, and lumped in with boomers when young people want to complain about the old 😂

I was 31 when I had my first (who is now 17) and my mum was 52. There wasn't massive differences, apart from the fact I listen to my children more, and perhaps have a closer relationship now they are teens. Education is more important to me as well. I also put my children before men which is not something my mum was very good at!

I remember my mum making a comment along the lines of how I'd make a 'rod for my own back' when I used to pick DD up when she was crying as a baby. She also still occasionally makes remarks about how parents were 'stricter' when we were young, which I take as being PA meaning I'm not strict enough.

The truth is she is to talking crap, as my brother was without doubt the worse behaved child and teenager ever, so her 'strict' parenting did bugger all. Something she likes to forget and I remind her of whenever she gets on my nerves with her PA remarks . 😂

I don’t think that’s true. My parents (boomers) had me (millennial) at 29. I was their second.

It’s not an unusual age for their generation to have kids. Especially if it’s not their first.