Parenting styles - boomer vs millennial

[winningeasy]

Hi there! I just wondered if any mothers / adult daughters have discussed/ had conflict over different parenting styles, and are there any boomers who wish they had done things differently with their children? And have you discussed this with your children since they became adults? Have you been able to adapt with your grandchildren?

Since becoming a mum, I have become particularly aware that my own childhood was really lacking in terms of emotional validation/support/guidance and am doing my best to ensure this inter generational trauma is not passed onto my own children.

Parenting styles have moved on a lot since 80s when I was growing up, now it feels like the norm to be child centred, responsive and promote deep attachment. Do you think this new approach will help future generations avoid trauma and help them keep safe and grounded in ever-more complex world?

Wow thanks so much for all the responses. This is why I love Mumsnet, women of different ages all giving different opinions and perspectives.

What I am getting from everyone's responses is that it's really hard to compare parenting now with parenting in the 80's or during war time for instance. Each come with a different set of challenges. It's the reality today is that two parents have to work, and a few mentioned the potential negative impacts of this vs previous generations. Then we have social media and devices that have some positives but many negatives, and is something we need to prepare our children for as there's no escaping it. And the looming threat of climate change which creates a lot of anxiety for us as parents but can be scary to comprehend for children, especially as they grow and become more curious. On top of this there's so much pressure on parents to be perfect, and especially if you've come from an abusive family as I have, to try our hardest pass that on. And beyond this there is such a lean towards individualism (because of social media mostly I think) where we feel pressure to have hobbies, side hustles and time for ourself (which actually I think is healthy and important). We also are increasingly likely to further away from our parents than in years go by, and from my perspective my parents are a lot older than my grandparents were when I was born, so they are less physically able to help, because we're having babies later. I was 38 when I got pregnant with my first child, it took me that long to sort out my life and my head after a less than ideal childhood tbh.

It feels like there's a scale - perhaps one side is extremely parent-led (authoritarian, what I say goes, fit into my life, don't answer back) and the other side extremely child-led (lack of reality, boundaries, challenges and ultimately resilience). It's so important we listen to our children but they cannot believe they are the centre of the universe as they will be in for a real shock when they grow up and find out this is not the case. So somewhere in the middle, but more child led than parent led I believe.

A few comments about me writing a blog, that is not my intention. I am just really curious about this because both my parents had very challenging childhoods. On my fathers side my grandad had been a prisoner of war and had extreme ptsd, and they faced extreme poverty, my grand ma was banished because she had a child out of wed lock, and on my mothers side there is inter generational 'mother wound' that has been passed down as far as my Great grandma which manifests as emotionally immaturity, repression, narcissism and ultimately abusive behaviour. Unfortunately they were not good parents, it was a strict environment with very little guidance, support, interest in their children, and just a real lack of love and warmth. Some physical abuse, definite mental abuse (my mum did not speak to me / ignored me for months and months on end when I was around 10) and often didn't get fed or went without appropriate clothing. We were left alone a lot, weren't made to brush teeth, do homework etc etc, just really left to get on with it from 11. Asked to leave home at 17. I could go on and on.

I have accepted they are both very flawed individuals and that they were emotionally neglectful, but I do have compassion for them. They did not have good child hoods because of abuse they suffered, the effects of the war and being born into abject poverty. You don't become a selfish narcissist for no reason, sometimes it's about survival. Some of these negative traits will be the individual situations with families, but is some of this part of the status quo of that generation, but also perhaps not?

That's why I posted and I am glad I did as I think this is a really valuable and interesting topic, and these are perspectives I really need right now when making decisions about how I am going to parent and do the best for my children.

Thank you for your comments x

Both my parents have pretty challenging children. From

And beyond this there is such a lean towards individualism (because of social media mostly I think) where we feel pressure to have hobbies, side hustles and time for ourself (which actually I think is healthy and important).

That's also a sign of peak capitalism according to Chomsky.

I'm Gen X with one boomer parent, one post war parent, millennial children, a Gen Z child, Gen alpha DSC and a millennial partner! AMA 😁

That was a mouthful.

New parents quite often think they are better parents than anyone else in the history of the known universe.

Their children nearly always prove them wrong.

so so hard to generalize when each family history is unique.
i've been called emotionally absent but having looked that up, boomers are the most sensitive and emotionally connected according to wikipedia.
maybe it's not parenting style but core values that are similar vs physical discipline or not.

80s child here too. My mum breast fed me a ridiculously long time and co slept ditto because she was led by her kids. My father was temperamental but I'm sure loved us, but i felt loved by mum growing up. My brother has adhd so he also created a lot of difficulties. DM read with me, played with me and only worked part time so she could be there during the week for school pick ups etc. I don't think she had a good marriage but she did the best for us.

My DC also extended breastfeeding and co sleeping (sigh), and it's my mother who also plays with my Dc and childminds them. I also work part time, but I am actually no where near as maternal as my mother. We are like best friends now and I rely heavily on her.

So I think her style of parenting was better than mine, despite loving my DC more than anything. She however, says I am the better mother because my DH is far more committed than my father and my family unit more harmonious.

So basically it's about personality, circumstances and money...makes life a lot easier.

Neither of us did the cry to sleep, or worried about picking up a crying baby, so it's a parenting style not confined to this century.

"I am not sure that your parents not validating your feelings causes inter generational trauma?"

^^God yes to the above - the language is cringe worthy

People tend to be very smug about their parenting as if its a continual forward progress to just be younger. You have no way of knowing if your parenting will result in more (or less) well adjusted functional people. Everyone is just doing their best? There is wide diversity of style and approach within a generation? Millennials should be the last to embrace stereotypes considering their reputation tbf.

Gen X is an in between generation that has traits of both the boomer and the millenial generation and gets along with both (in general). That's why there is a boomer vs millenial thing going on and not a boomer vs gen X.

I'd disagree there.

We keep our heads down and get on with life.

Boomers and millenials clash because they are so similar - narcissistic self-love abounds. There's only room for one ego at every party.

I'm Gen X with Boomer parents and my older kids are Millennials. My kids are more positive about their upbringing than I am about mine.

I won't go into details but I do believe that each generation thinks they do better than the one before. And each generation has opinions about how they were parented. Every parent has things they would do differently because hindsight is like that. There are no perfect parents and no perfect children. We're all just doing the best we can based on our knowledge, our own experiences and our context at the time.

It does concern me that the youngest generation seem to lack resilience in general. I'm not sure that's down to parenting though.

I'm a Gen Z with silent generation parents married to another Gen z who has boomer parents. My DSC are Millenials and Gen Z and our Foster children are Gen A.

My parents were very hippyish, lived in a bedsit in London and were totally hands off. I was never grounded, punished etc. DH's parents were more traditional and DH has a much stricter parenting style than I. We are both, however, totally all about resilience, independence and self-motivation.

This is so true!!

I'm from a different country. Our parenting style is still very much similar to the UK's boomer, strict discipline. Dp on the other hand is quite laid back, kind, and patient with his daughters. Although he does have expectations around language, manners, and politeness. He also has educational attainment expectations for his children.
His dad was very military and strict using shouting and corporal punishment. So was mine. He has completely different ideas from me.

I'm mother (71 - boomer?) to three adult children and four young grandchildren and although I didnt exactly distance my kids from my mother I was definitely wary! Had very different parenting styles for example she brought us up following child care principles such as those of Truby King eg feeding to a strict timetable even if it meant leaving the baby crying until the 'right time' in the feeding/sleeping routine. She believed she was doing the right, healthy thing. I disagreed.
I do a lot of grandkid care while the parents are working (lucky enough to live not far away) and I think I manage to keep it zipped when it comes to differences!
What I didnt have when my own kids were young was the internet and its amazing advantages such as being able to share in this way, and its dark side such as cyber bullying, porn etc.
I wonder how much of this helps to create anxiety and confusion for current generations of parents?

I don’t think it’s necessarily a generational thing. It think it’s down to the individuals concerned. I think I parent in pretty much the same way as my parents did to a large extent. My parents gave me massive emotional support, guidance, validation all the rest of it growing up and into adulthood and I try to do the same with my children.

There was a fantastic thread last week about how parenting has changed and the challenges that come with that - you should find it.

For the record (and echoing what many said in the aforementioned thread) my mum brought me up to fit around adulting schedules. We were thrown out of the house to go and play outside so she could do things around the house. Treats like parks or child centred activities were for special occasions, certainly not every weekend like the norm is now.

I take a pinch of that - I feel tremendous guilt if all of my time and attention isnt always on DD. Sometimes its fine for me to do other things while she plays.

I think you can't just compare generations and expect that to work - my late husband and I were tail end of Boomer and Gen x (me), but we were also raised very differently. He grew up in a socially conservative US family with authoritarian traits, I grew up in 1970s Europe and in the Netherlands at that so very different in attitude. We had a lot of differences about parenting - he thought smacking was fine (we were both smacked), for me it was a complete red line and I would instantly have left him if he'd ever done it.

Oddly enough my mother completely approved of my parenting and told me she'd done it differently. My DDs are gen Z but tough as fuck - they're young adults now and capable and independent.

There's also a generation between Boomer and Millenial- Gen X. I was born in 77 and I'm not a Boomer or a Millenial.

Yep, no one pays any attention to us! My teenagers are turning out well so far, they’ve told us that we’ve done some things wrong, but we’re not monsters apparently. 😂 We all love each other and they seem pretty resilient, which is great. They’ve both have had counseling at various points, something few
Gen X’er’s had, and I think it’s been beneficial.

Is that to fit adult schedules or because so much housework was more manual....more shopping, more cooking from scratch, sweeping because if you were lucky enough to have a hoover it was only for carpets, hand washing or twin tubs, pegging it out to dry then ironing more cotton that was stuff as a board from the line, nappies to wash and in my case she went to work too. It's easy to say adult schedules if you don't stop to consider conveniences like freezers, ready meals, microwaves, tumble driers, being a driver, having pushchairs that go on buses. Then treats were about not having money and working 6 days a week. I think I had a better childhood being out playing all day and home for tea. Yes there were rules, respect for adults even neighbours could tell you off. You didn't tell your mum or teacher to f..k off like I've seen 5 year olds do to be told oh dear your upset I understand here have a screen instead. You can't suddenly at 13 lay down rules and expect them to be followed. Being board or amusing yourself leads to creativity and ingenuity most 10 year olds have to be told what to paint or how to play. (even younger nowadays) we throw away toys unplayed with but it's not that the child has outgrown them it's that we've filled up the time with clubs or don't make a mess. It's sad

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight well that was depressing 😂

I'm the generation younger than boomer and my mother was older . I can see very little difference in the way that we parented . The biggest difference I can see is that as my DS was an only child we did most things as a family - whereas I spent a lot of time with my sibling.'

I certainly don't feel that my childhood was lacking in emotional validation and support - nor was this the way I parented my own child .

I think these things are a lot more individual than a huge generalisation over a generation .

Another gen x here. Parents both boomers. Love them, but they're very self absorbed. My DM is particularly selfish/self absorbed I would say. Quite thoughtless in the way she speaks to me, but hugely over sensitive about anything that might affect her.

As one poster described up thread, when I was a child they definitely gave me lots of responsibility but very few rights.
My DH's parents were similar, and very authoritarian. He respects them, but he isn't close to them.

Our children (primary and early teen) are independent, kind and fun, with good manners. We are strict, but also very loving and we have lots of fun together.