Parenting styles - boomer vs millennial

[winningeasy]

Hi there! I just wondered if any mothers / adult daughters have discussed/ had conflict over different parenting styles, and are there any boomers who wish they had done things differently with their children? And have you discussed this with your children since they became adults? Have you been able to adapt with your grandchildren?

Since becoming a mum, I have become particularly aware that my own childhood was really lacking in terms of emotional validation/support/guidance and am doing my best to ensure this inter generational trauma is not passed onto my own children.

Parenting styles have moved on a lot since 80s when I was growing up, now it feels like the norm to be child centred, responsive and promote deep attachment. Do you think this new approach will help future generations avoid trauma and help them keep safe and grounded in ever-more complex world?

There is so much in depth thinking in every single aspect of anything to do with children these days

And 'I am so judged but judge others'

I tried to follow my mum do what works if it doesn't work try something else and just get on with it

There is not need to have a degree in parenting to have a child

And I listened to all advice and jusy used what I thought was useful

I do wonder how somw parents ever leave the house or how how some children are able to be let put of their bedrooms, it all seems so complex

I do talk about this with my mum and MIL. We also talk about how differently their mothers parented them.
They wish they’d known things we know now. I wish for the lower pressure times they were parenting in.
We’ve all got to a non-judgey phase now and can talk with interest. Didn’t feel like that when my children were babies though!

pmsl
yeah I shouldn't be pointing it out really ....

You're right, op.

And definitely millenials parent way better than boomers. Oh yes.

I think our generation probably needs to stop being so smug about our parenting style until we’ve seen the evidence- ie bringing up kids who can be successful adults. I see a lot on here where there is a clear assumption that current parents of dependent children are doing better than their parents but the evidence of today’s teens/ young adults doesn’t hugely bear that out. If anything, it suggests that very involved parenting may not be optimal to producing independent, resilient adults.

@WeightoftheWorld that's a really good perspective. I'm definitely getting to the point of greater acceptance of parents. I guess it depends how the relationship evolves into adult hood.

Neither of my parents seem to have developed greater self awareness so it's hard to discuss with them about elements of my child hood I'm unhappy about.

I don't necessarily think it's a generational thing. I am a "millennial" parent, but I had my son 10 years ago when I was 20. I definitely parent differently to the way stereotypical millennials parent now.
And I'm very glad about that.

I have to say, I (a millennial, 34 with boomer parents, 60 and 74) find the idea that GenX/Millennial parenting is superior absolutely bizarre. We have the worst mental health stats in teenagers/young adults for decades. They are almost all completely fucked.

I had my older DCs much younger than most, so by default I parented much like my DPs did when they were younger, and they are turning out brilliant. They're not delinquent, but they're not struggling with their mental health or completely self-centred either. I probably have a bit more understanding of/tendency to validating their emotions than my DPs did of mine, but validation does not have to equal coddling, which some parents these days can't seem to balance easily.

Ultimately, intergenerational arguments are pointless. Everybody is going to fuck up parenting slightly - these kids don't come with instruction manuals!

I agree. Totally child-centric will do them no favours, but they need to be considered and feel heard (even though they don't ultimately get the final say).

FWIW to the PP commenting on the boomer/millenial age gap, it is pretty common amongst my friends. I'm more accurately a late Xennial, but not only were my parents boomers, my maternal GPs were born at the turn of the last century - 1902 and 1909.

I'm gen x , my DH is boomer, my parents were boomer/whatever the one before that was.

There are things I do differently as a parent , some I do differently by choice, others by circumstance. I'm largely happy with how I was brought up even though I choose to do some things differently.Me and DH sometimes differ I how we parent, because we were parented differently.

Our children will likely think the same about us. They'll thing sone of the things we do were wrong or choose to do different.

Can you explain what you mean by ‘emotional validation’ and why there’s been ‘inter generational trauma’ from the lack of it? How does that trauma display itself? I hope you’re not throwing that word around lightly.

It all sounds very millennial to me, raising kids to think the world revolves around them. It’s everyone else’s job to ‘validate’ them and that they’ll grow up to have no resilience, be unable to regulate their own emotions and see themselves as eternal victims.

This is so true.

I also hear many of my peers (older millennial here) complaining about this or that thing their parents did wrong, or now currently do wrong with the grandchildren.
I just think wait until they're adults to judge your own success! Or actually wait until.they're teens (I'm one of the only one of my friends with teen children atm) they soon make you aware of your shortcomings!!

This thread is a massive overgeneralisation. There was no single “Boomer way” to parent one’s children - we were as varied as any other generation, from utterly neglectful to totally overprotective and everything in between!

I (a Boomer) encouraged resilience in my DDs, because I was a feminist and also a widowed single parent who had to work full time.
Yet when my DDs got to uni, they had to teach helpless fellow students how to use a washing machine or cook a meal, as their parents had infantilised them.

wait until they're teens that should say.

My childhood was definitely repressed. Feelings were embarrassing, affection laughed at. We did as we told because we were told too. We got cracked if we didn't tow the line.

When I had my daughters I was very affectionate with them as I really wanted them to know they were loved but my parents style had similarities. I never smacked my kids but I did have expect obedience and respect. 15 years later I had my son who has asd. Finally I learnt properly how to be a compassionate parent who doesn't need to feel they are better than their child due to their own insecurities.

I agree about generalisations but I still think there is a trend towards greater involvement/ helicoptering and at the same time, lower expectations in terms of transitioning to adulthood throughout the teen years so that by the time you’re 18 you’re able to navigate minor difficulties independently.

I do understand the urge to smooth the road for your dc- dd had friendship problems and it was difficult not to intervene- but she did resolve them herself and I think benefitted from doing so.

Is it? My DM is a Boomer (1961), and I'm a Millenial DD of hers with kids (1985)

Exactly this. I think parents need to remember that ultimately their job is to raise a well rounded, self sufficient, contributing member of society that knows right from wrong. Doesn’t matter what generation you’re from.

We could learn a lot from going back to basics and looking at the animal kingdom. Other mammals (generally) support their young, provide for them, protect them, teach them skills but also push them to stand on their own two feet (they don’t tolerate adults still acting like kids and relying on them for everything), discipline and set rules and boundaries.

I’m Gen-X, with a millennial sibling and a boomer mother. We’ve had lots of conversations, about the differences in how we were raised as siblings (and she had a similar cultural shift in her childhood family)

We also discuss our different approaches, and I really value her perspective and she supports mine. I feel like we’re part of a social experiment and it’s impossible to guess how well our current theories on parenting will hold up.

I’ve found that being a parent, and the tough work of parenting in the trenches has done a lot to heal problems from my own upbringing. And I can see the lingering effects of my great grandmother’s trauma playing out across generations. I have no idea what happened before that.

We preach a lot about resilience these days, but we’re only learning how to do the hard emotional work to build it. And resilience requires us to feel our pain- often when people talk about lacking resilience they really mean that there isn’t enough stoicism and bottling up anymore. But many families can still trace the generational effects of war trauma.

I’m a millennial (just) and parents are boomers. I grew up knowing and never doubting I was loved. My dc childhood is different but not massively - we’re more financially comfortable but my mum was mostly a sahm and I really did love her being there. But I’ve only been a sahm for 3 years when dc were tiny and nursery was more than my earning potential. I’m glad it was forced on me but I’m more career focused.

I’m a Gen X born to pre boomers (just) and we’ve been churning out the Gen Zders. Though my mum got caught up in the more gentle parenting trend started by Benjamin Spock which ushered in more child centred approaches. The boomers were also the first generation of western parents to have smaller families and more time to spend with their children.

I'm Gen X and agree we are the invisible generation.

The stand out thing for me about my boomer parent upbringing was the absolute lack of autonomy children had, even as teens. We were expected to be responsible but as for rights, forget it. That's the most significant change in my parenting style. I seem to be stricter than most friends parenting styles and I definitely think building resilience is essential, so I'm not a panderer. But I really try to listen to and understand my kids. It's really important that they know we're always "on their team" even if we won't always let them have/do whatever they want.

Parent the child you have, not the one you think you should have. That's something I read first on mumsnet and it's so so true! My parents had a very fixed idea of what a "young lady" should be and do and my childhood and adolescence felt like being a square peg shoved into a round hole. I didn't realise until adulthood that I'm not a bad person, I'm just different to my parents. I'm adamant my kids won't have to feel like that. They are real people not carbon copies!

My parents are in their 60s and quite actively rejected a lot of the popular parenting advice of the time when they had us - Gina Ford etc. They were more emotionally available than my friends parents and I remember feeling listened to, safe at home etc. Lots of fun and playing. We were never hit or yelled at. My mother in particular had a very unhappy childhood and was making choices to be different.
My brother and I remain close with them and with each other and often talk about our happy childhoods. We are both happy successful adults now. I use the way I was parented as a blueprint for how I parent my daughter.
I think good parents recognise what their children need and try to parent in a way that reflects that - this will look different for different families.

You cannot generalise an entire timeframe of people as having the same parenting style. Yes things come in and out of fashion, different parenting styles are promoted, that doesn't mean everyone adopts those styles or ways.
If your childhood lacked emotional validation that's on your parents, it's not a style or generation trait.
When you learn to see your parents as people in their own right, not just as your parents, you will learn to accept they make mistake and have faults, just as you do.
If there was abuse, that's different.
The whole idea of "my generation is like this and does this, your generation is like this and does this", it's so silly and immature. Every parent I know of all ages parents differently to each other.
You do the best you can, and accept that when your children grow up they will undoubtedly find fault with something you did, then will perhaps become a parent themselves and make their own mistakes.

You’re so lucky to have had that, I’m a little bit jealous!

Good parents produce good future parents I think, they’re teaching you how it’s done.

It's a tough one! I had a baby in 2000 and then one in 2018. My parenting style is very different but that could be because I was an older parent with the latter.
I was strict, followed Gina Ford and had more rules with the first. The last one still sleeps in my bed! 😂☹️ I think we are bombarded with information now so tend to follow parenting from the experts and not out parents.
We definitely have a more soft holistic approach! I have been a teacher for 17 years and the changes are immense. Some for the better such as we have a lot more understanding on why and how children develop physically and emotionally. However, I think they are becoming less resilient and ' a 'generation of snowflakes' comes to mind. However, I may be wrong as we don't know how this recent approach will effect them in the future and we may have a more kind and understanding society!