Parenting styles - boomer vs millennial

[winningeasy]

Hi there! I just wondered if any mothers / adult daughters have discussed/ had conflict over different parenting styles, and are there any boomers who wish they had done things differently with their children? And have you discussed this with your children since they became adults? Have you been able to adapt with your grandchildren?

Since becoming a mum, I have become particularly aware that my own childhood was really lacking in terms of emotional validation/support/guidance and am doing my best to ensure this inter generational trauma is not passed onto my own children.

Parenting styles have moved on a lot since 80s when I was growing up, now it feels like the norm to be child centred, responsive and promote deep attachment. Do you think this new approach will help future generations avoid trauma and help them keep safe and grounded in ever-more complex world?

You do the best you can, and accept that when your children grow up they will undoubtedly find fault with something you did, then will perhaps become a parent themselves and make their own mistakes.

This is true. I’m often struck on here by how damning people are about the mistakes and imperfections of their parents while appearing to blithely assume that their own kids won’t have any complaints because they are loved, as if loving a child and making mistakes are mutually exclusive.

This is for a parenting blog isn't it 🙄

Also big shout out to my fellow xennial parents who don't really relate to Generation X or Millennials!

I parented without the shouting and violence of my boomer parents, I also listened to my children and let them have a say. Most importantly, I apologise when I do something wrong, I do not blame them for it and then in the future deny it ever happened.

What would either of you gain from discussing it though, honestly? I'd never 'pull up' my parents, I can't see how either of us would benefit from that. I know they regret some of their decisions, perhaps not all the same ones I'm unhappy about! They carry their parenting guilt heavily, as we do who only have little ones and still feel guilty about things, don't we all? If anything I reassure them when they express sadness - they were trying their best. I definitely agree it probably does depend a lot on relationship in adulthood, but then I think that's as much the responsibility of an adult child as their parent.

Looking around me I see many people I know who really don't make any or at least very little effort with their parents in adulthood. And some of those then later 'return' when they have their own kids, expecting doting hands on grandparents and lots of free childcare. I'm not at all saying that's you btw not my implication at all. Just an observation that I think generally plenty of people are so harsh and quick to judge their parents, without acknowledging the fact that their own kids may well grow to then be harsh toeards them. And in many cases still being extremely critical of their DPs role and behaviour as a DGP, but not enough to turn down copious amounts of free childcare, financial support, and whatever else. And it makes me sad tbh. I just think how I'd hope to be treated by my children in future, despite all my flaws, and what kind of behaviour to my own DPs that I model and hopefully that will influence them to be compassionate towards me too.

I had my children in the 80s and like to think that my style was.very much child centred , responsive and encouraged attachment. All the childcare books I read at that time valued that approach too.
The only change I have seen in the way my grandchildren are raised is that schools expect much more from them from a younger age. My children were allowed to learn to read at their own pace and there wasn't the focus in phonics then.

Not true. My mum had me at 29 and I am young gen X and then my dsis shortly after she was born 1980 so is about as old a millennial as you can get, then dbro was '85 so also a millennial. I'd have thought boomer grandparents and millennial parents was pretty normal.

I think it’s also important to view your parents and your parenting in the context of it being one aspect of their/your life. When you’re a kid you see your parents actions really only as they relate to you. When you’re an adult you hopefully have the insight to realise that you weren’t your parents entire world. They were a whole person who happened to also be a parent. When I consider my parents in that light, in terms of their whole life trajectories, how they were as parents- both the good and the bad- make more sense.

Man, who’d be a parent? 🤣

I'm an older Gen X who has Silent Generation parents (one before Boomers). My experience of growing up in the 70s was "do as you're told" or get smacked. Many of my peers would be sent to bed with no supper if they'd been naughty. Authoritarian was the style, if you ask me. The adults dictated and we had to be quiet. Pubs had family rooms so kids were out of the way.

I grew up waiting for "my time" as an adult, naively thinking I could call the shots. Except now it feels like my kids are calling the shots, as Gen Zs. Especially one of my dds, if I use a word that she feels is a slur omg.

I think Gen X people really have never been the focus. So, we just carry on chilling out and going to gigs!

I'm a millennial and both my parents are boomers and so is my DH and his parents. Don't know if this is a generational thing but one thing me and dh are on board with is that we don't argue in-front of our child. We don't prioritise our siblings and our parents' needs before our child and we don't disrespect each other in front of our kid. I grew up in a emotionally unhealthy family and it came with a massive cost to my self esteem, confidence and boundaries. Dh comes from a well rounded family and he is much more confident and has excellent boundaries and can challenge authorities. Just the other week he challenged our beloved NHS and everything was sorted within a minute whereas I was sent up and down with an ill child with the thought of "the NHS is on its knees already and be more understanding".

I don't think some of the things are very different between generations as there are still self centred, selfish and abusive parents in the boomer generation as well as now. As a whole, my parenting is much more focused on bringing up a well rounded and an emotionally healthy child as that will be much more beneficial to the world and my child's future relationships.

It's quite the age gap to have millennials parents and boomer grandparents

It's not I and most of my friends are boomers and out children are millennials.

Boomers born 1946 to 1964
Millennials born 1981 to 1996

No it isn’t, I’m a millennial parent with a boomer parent. Or do you mean that it’s a big enough gap that there’s likely to be big differences? Apologies if I’ve misunderstood

Geriatric millennial here with boomer parents.
honestly op, don’t over think it. Don’t commit to a “ style”. Your child needs a responsive adult, someone to meet their needs. Teach them where and how they fit into the wider world. Teach them empathy and kindness. Listen and engage with them. What works for one might not another.
that’s pretty much it.

Seconding this ^^

I'm seeing a lot of problems come through now with "child centred" parenting which has pulled too far one way

Gen X here.

Speaking on behalf of my X people - cause we are all the same right?

I don't recognise any of the stuff in this thread. Sounds like a load of pretentious. codswallop to me.

My parents were pre-war (born in the 1930s) so not even boomers, and I am gen x

my kids are gen z

i find that my growing up, and relationship with my parents was largely harmonious. I was a child in the 70s and 80s, they were very supportive without being interfering. Let me make my own decisions, I was never grounded or punished. We were allowed to make mistakes (like failing A levels, trying weed etc) and just had to face the consequences.

when I had kids, I tried to be like that: supportive and living but allowing lots of autonomy and no punishments other than natural consequences.

I have a good relationship with my kids who are now 18/20

however, what I did not realise until I was a parent myself was the amount of quiet anxiety the parents suffer in this approach . My youngest brother stressed my mum out incredibly by dropping out of school, becoming unemployed and living on benefits before he sorted himself out at age 30

so the price to pay is a level of anxiety from just standing by instead of stepping in

What did you do different and do you feel it's made a difference? And have you had a conversation with your own parents /children about your / their short comings?

No, of course I haven't had a conversation about their parental short comings. I know they did their best and worked hard to give me and my brother opportunities. They had challenges and that had an impact on our lives and their choices but I don't begrudge them anything. * *My own children are now in their 20's and our parenting style has most definitely been influenced by our own childhood experiences. We've tried not to replicate some of the perceived 'mistakes' but I know for certain we've made a few new ones.

And what you are asking about OP, is the BIG question

how do you get kids to be more resilient?

is it through nurturing and live bombing or through a harsh approach of letting them fall on their face and figure stuff out for themselves?

there is definitely a tendency of “bulldoze parenting” where parents bulldoze everything out of the way of their child’s path do their path is smooth

to me, a wary old Gen X with adult kids, modern parenting looks at times exhausting and overbearing and way too child centric

Im gen x and have silent gen parents. There are marked differences between my childhood and those of my children, we walked to school from 5 and had the responsibility for siblings and played out from early in the morning to dusk whereas I wouldn't let any of mine do that (I have millennial gen z and gen alpha children!) I don't think my parenting has changed between mine except for learning how not to seat the small stuff which is is even more apparent with the smallest.

Most of my friends had boomer parents and they were even more lenient than mine.

Parenting styles have moved on a lot since 80s when I was growing up, now it feels like the norm to be child centred, responsive and promote deep attachment. Do you think this new approach will help future generations avoid trauma and help them keep safe and grounded in ever-more complex world?

Yet almost all parents of small children I know these days have no choice but to put their tiny kids in full days of daycare while they go off to work, in order just to be able to afford to put a roof over the family's head and food on the table. Not a criticism, just an observation. I wonder what effect that is going to have in today's children as they grow into adulthood? I don't think today's parents are doing any better or worse than parents of the 1980s, 1960s or 1940s. It's just different parenting for a different world.

I'm not sure it's that helpful to compare parenting styles as better or superior. Most parents from whatever era will be doing what they think is best, or the right way.
My Dad didn't really do emotions or say he loved me. He had been brought up during the war and they were strongly encouraged not to show emotion, so it just wasn't a natural thing for him to give a hug when someone was upset.

My parents loved looking after my DC when they were babies and said all they remember from when I was a baby, was crying. (My mum talked about this throughout my childhood and said when I had children she would come round and pinch them to make them cry so I knew how it felt.) She absolutely doted on her GC and was quite mortified when I reminded her what she said. They were both amazed at the idea of feeding on demand as (despite being 2 months premature) my mum was apparently told to only feed every 4 hours. And she subsequently wondered if this was why I cried so much.
But at the time she was following the guidance to feed every 4 hours. (She had no family support or relatives that might have helped or suggested anything different)

Your description of today's parents as "child centred, responsive and promoting deep attachment" sounds just like my 1980s parents, so you can't generalise just because you didn't have that.

Parenting trends do change but all parents are different.

With age comes perspective. Also the realisation, one that is foreign to young people when they are young, that old people were in fact young once, not all that long ago. And they’ve not forgotten what it was like. It’s how they were too.

by the time you reach late middle age you’ll probably have come to realise that “intergenerational trauma” is more about devastating loss, war, displacement, disaster, hopelessness, than by not having your (very typical) emotions validated.

As a few others have said, this definitely comes across as if it's research for a blog, essay or article. Obviously may be wrong but the way the questions are posed suggests that to me.

I agree about very small children in full time childcare. I was very lucky that I could afford to work part time when my children were little. It's just not an option for my younger colleagues. Absolutely not their fault but it's sad for them not to have that time with their kids, and not ideal for babies.

I am gen X with one "silent generation" parent (dad born in the 1930s) and one boomer parent. Because my dad married twice and had 6 kids, we range as his children from boomer to gen x to millennial. I am not sure what that means about our parenting. Not all of us has had children yet... our dad was definitely from the benign neglect school and the mums were eccentric and awkward. So we are pretty stable in our relationships and parenting I think as a reaction. Maybe I can do a study? 😂