Parenting styles - boomer vs millennial

[winningeasy]

Hi there! I just wondered if any mothers / adult daughters have discussed/ had conflict over different parenting styles, and are there any boomers who wish they had done things differently with their children? And have you discussed this with your children since they became adults? Have you been able to adapt with your grandchildren?

Since becoming a mum, I have become particularly aware that my own childhood was really lacking in terms of emotional validation/support/guidance and am doing my best to ensure this inter generational trauma is not passed onto my own children.

Parenting styles have moved on a lot since 80s when I was growing up, now it feels like the norm to be child centred, responsive and promote deep attachment. Do you think this new approach will help future generations avoid trauma and help them keep safe and grounded in ever-more complex world?

I don't think today's parents are doing any better or worse than parents of the 1980s, 1960s or 1940s. It's just different parenting for a different world.

@NewYearNora Exactly. My parenting is probably quite different to my parents but that's because the world is different. I had far more independence at a young age then kids have today, we lived in the countryside and I was out all day with my cousins running wild around the fields and down to the river from age 6 or 7. My son won't have that freedom because the world has changed.

Thinking about my peers, not really. DH boomer. I'm Gen X. Kids are Millennials and a Zoomer

I grew up in a home with alcoholism, abuse and neglect. So only had a what not to do guide to parenting. Having my own children highlighted how bad it was. We all bring baggage with us when we have our own children.
I do my absolute best for my children, however I don’t always get it right. I try not to be either to soft or too tough. They are happy kids so, hopefully will become happy adults.
My eldest is a teenager I have said to him that I will always do my best for him, but I will make mistakes along the way. If he becomes a parent I am sure he will do things differently to me. I hope we have a good relationship when he is an adult.

And we are so Gen X that this pleases us immensely

I think the least you owe us OP is to name the publication this article is going in.....and credit all the contributors 🙄

My parents were pre boomer! Mine both lived through ww2- try and imagine what THAT parenting was like!

I’m gen X and have baby boom parents. Their parenting was excellent. I aim to parent in a very similar way. Hope to do as good a job but sometimes fall short as we all do.

I would say their style was lots of guidance and boundaries, firm but fair. Very empathy focused. Lots of family time and interest in us as people.

I'm in the weird little early 1960s sub generation so "officially" a boomer. However, I really hold that the cultural and economic environment of people coming of age in the 60s was very different to those of us who did so in the 80s. I wish they could come up with something snazzier that "Generation Jones" for us, perhaps "X-Boom! " or "Ur-X".

Anyway, our parents were very frequentlye Silent generation and we really never hear very much about them

I'm in my 30s and trying to copy my parents, happy for them to rub off on me in any way!

They were IN CHARGE. They were always parents first, not friends. They commanded good manners and respect (and mostly got it!). They didn't tolerate tantrums, and as a teen i wouldn't have dreamt of swearing at them etc. They never undermined each other in front of us kids, even if you could tell one thought the other was being a bit harsh!

Equally they were the most loving, kind, warm and generous parents anyone could want. I always felt totally loved, secure, listened to. They always encouraged, lifted our self esteem, spoiled us for birthdays and Christmas. Expected hard work and good behavior at school, but backed us if there was a problem there. There was always a curfew, but they were willing to flex it.

I never thought for one second I'd want to swap with any of my friends, whose parents might have been seen as more "easygoing", but were nowhere near as loving.

Of course no parent is perfect, because no human is - but I think they nailed a crucial parenting balance.

What I see on the new generation raising kids is on one hand, they feel that their kids should be at the centre of everything they do, and kids should have the same right to express themselves as adults and get whatever they demand.

On the other hand, I have never seen so many young parents moaning how difficult being a parent is, desperate for time for themselves, resenting their partner, parents, friends, teachers for not doing more to help, and feeling constantly exhausted and resentful.

I think the new generation are trying much too hard to be what perceive at being the perfect parent by imposing very little to their kids so not to traumatise them, over stimulating because good parenting is valued by how much is done for the kids, and ending up as tired, resentful parents who then question how much they really enjoy being so, can't wait for the kids to go back to school and dream of running away where no demand is ever made.

Ask a university lecturer or a mature student if they agree on that!

Gen z are out cancelling everyone on campus, so they're just too busy to get in trouble. Or busy getting other people to write their papers for them (hello op!)

There's no point dwelling on parenting styles or trying to get our parents to see the errors of their ways. I think children of millennials are going to have more to be annoyed about than we as millennials had as children. Our kids can't play out without comment. They're mostly raised by tech in a way we never were. Even those of us who had social media from a young age didn't have tech from birth.

What do you expect them to do about it now?

We all made/make mistakes. My parenting wasn't perfect but I have good relationships with my DC and see a lot of my DGC.

Their parenting isn't perfect either.

We just all try to do our best with the resources (physical and mental) that we have

As if it's Gen Z cancelling everyone. Such a cop out. Students have literally always been rebellious. It's the reaction of the adults in the room that has changed. All the jumping to pander to students - that comes from the University employees not the students.

I’m a millennial child of gen x parents. My parents weren’t too bad in terms of strictness but they weren’t very emotional at all sort from anger.

I definitely don’t fit in with todays parenting standards (well, todays middle class parenting standards).

I'm Gen X (born 1970) and have parents from the silent/pre-war generation! Try that one for size.

Lots of make do and mend in my childhood.

Now have a Gen Z daughter. I'm finding Z's quite similar to X actually, with the obvious exception of connectivity/social media.

Also not much discussing emotional stuff with my parents 🤣 silent generation really embody the stuff upper lip thing.

They weren't perfect and neither am I, sure my DD will have views in the future. However, pragmatism rules the day and they did the best they could as I hope I am doing.

Not sure about inter-generational trauma ... hmmm.

As a typical Gen X I'm off to chill and be ignored!

I see little difference between my parenting of my children and theirs of my grandchildren. Fashions in this area come and go but much is down to personalities, affluence and employment patterns.
Children today have an astonishing amount of unnecessary stuff, though, IMO.

I think any parenting style will work just fine as long as the parents in question are loving and invested. I think extremes are damaging, whether that's at the authoritarian or child centred end of the scale.

There are no perfect people, therefore there are no perfect parents and none of us will raise DC without their faults or insecurities.

You have to have compassion for the boomers - they were brought up by parents often traumatised from wartime experiences, where the only mental health advice was keep it to yourself, or have some gin and bite down on a slipper. So they definitely taught the boomers resilience, but sometimes gritting your teeth isn't the right way, and of course it means you're a bit emotionally stunted. That's the legacy that got handed down.

Somehow we need to teach kids resilience, but holding onto their emotions at the same time. Talking about their mental health is all well and good, but the reality is that only your own mother might give a shit - the rest of the world hears your bleating/whining and just doesn't care.

I don't think we've got the right balance yet.

Also, the environment. At some point, a generation has to be the horrible parent who draws the line at consumerism and loads of toys and denies throw precious darlings all the things they had. So far, no one wants to do that, not even the millennials!

Having worked with many parents I don't think the majority are child centered a lot are very me me me my time me here's a screen

Hmm I am Gen X raised by the silent generation, who were both raised by Victorian Grandparents. Strict, moral and strong family values

As pp have said our dc are turning out fine, unseen. 😁

I didn't have any specific conversations about this with my mother ,but every now and then she says something is too much for DD or I do too much for her or criticises some of my parental choices. I can tell by her tone that she's taking our life/my parenting as a criticism on her. Tough titties. Her failures(and there were many) are not my problem, and definitely not DD's problem. I'm not going to deprive my kid so she can feel better about herself.

I'm not the OP of the comment but my understanding of emotional validation is basically acknowledging emotions and letting the child know they're not wrong or bad for having feelings, they shouldn't feel embarrassed, and then giving them healthy coping mechanisms to deal with them.

My boomer parents response so emotional or real pain was things like 'oh get a grip', 'you're just looking for attention', 'get over yourself'. My IBS wasn't diagnosed until my 20s because my parents told me to shut up when I complained about stomach pains.

This causes trauma for me whereby I cannot talk about my feelings or show that I'm in pain. It's not healthy at all. I could continue the cycle and create generational trauma but like the previous poster I validate my children's emotions, especially because I have boys. I'm 100% sure my approach is better.

Having worked with many parents I don't think the majority are child centered a lot are very me me me my time me here's a screen
Well yes sadly true for parents with issues. Middle class parents are all about gentle disciplining, which means kids are treated like the centre of the world. Ok to disturb others because if people are not happy, they can just find places where there are no kids. Sport centres, public transport, shops, parents letting their kids run riot and consider that it's ok, either by principle or because they can't be bothered to discipline.