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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I ban my in-laws from seeing my child?

79 replies

ERMS21 · 28/12/2022 23:21

Where to start… on Christmas Day, me, my fiancé & 1 year child were thrown out of my in-laws house at 8am (4 hours away from our home) because my partner and I got into a domestic the day before - which he caused.

I received a message from a random man asking me to stop my fiancé from messaging his girlfriend on Xmas eve morning. I was understandably shocked and heartbroken, and wanted time alone - with my child - to process it. So I went out for abit longer than planned for her lunch nap, and decided because I felt so ashamed and embarassed (his family all knew and were talking about it and had even come up to me and said stuff about it) that I wanted to spend the evening alone when I came back. And FYI - I had already requested Xmas eve alone with my child on her first Xmas to continue a tradition of Xmas eve present giving I had with my mum. There were, however, crossed words in earshot from both me and my fiancé. My fiancé had been drinking all day and came to me twice to talk me, and because he is such an awful drunk, I didn’t want to. My fiancé and I did however resolve this on Xmas eve night, and then I wake up the next day all happy and ready for Xmas, to be told we are kicked out.

my child’s grandmother and grandfather kicked her out on Xmas day morning, to get a 4 hour taxi back to our home! Because we ‘had to be at home to resolve our problems’ - which was already resolved!

my fiancés family are fine with him now. But they all blame me and are treating me like I have killed someone. Despite the fact I have apologise and accepted all accountability for something I never did, they refuse to speak to me. They have been very rude to me, ignored me, told me how they’ve had such a bad few days without any consideration of what they caused for me and my daughter and for my partner to end it with me and take my ring off me (now back together, no ring) they disrespected my daughter, and are now acting like I have done the worst crime and am worthy of nothing. For the sake of saving my relationship, I have not told my partner how hurt I am. I am crying secretly on my own. I am barely sleeping and constantly angry and hurt. I do not want his family seeing my child until they start treating me better. Is that unreasonable? I do not feel they have a right to see my child, when they treat her mother so awfully

while I accept I could have been more sociable when I got back from my daughters nap walk, and that I could have been politer when in ear shot, I do not accept full accountability for anything else as that includes my partner too. I’d like to add that all day my partner informed me they understood how I felt, so I went on presuming they understood and it was ok. And spent most of the day pissed and at the pub which made it even more difficult to handle the situation.

May I add that his family caused so many issues when my daughter was born. His sister is incredibly selfish, the day my daughter was born she rang up crying about her own problems - didn’t ask how I was, how my child was, or congratulate me. On her first birthday, she sends me a photo of her child, and does not wish my child happy birthday! She harassed us to see us basically every weekend when she was born - who needs that when they’ve just had a traumatic birth! No one. His mother kept picking up my daughter when she was first born without asking me, and at one point refused to give her back to me. And I have not once said anything to them.

who throws their child and grandchild out on Xmas day for a 4 hour taxi journey because of a domestic they should never have been involved in? I have a new found respect for my own mother, because she would never treat her family so badly! And as a mother myself now, either would I!

OP posts:
ERMS21 · 28/12/2022 23:22

*Fiancé spent most of the day at the pub.. not me!

OP posts:
DampSquids · 28/12/2022 23:23

Think you’re angry at the wrong person.

Your boyfriend is a drunken cheat. You could do so much better.

Lexi868 · 28/12/2022 23:27

I think you need to take some time and let the dust settle before deciding something big like this. You are upset right now and rightly so but denying grandparents seeing grandchildren can really be hurtful. I know you don't care right now and she is your daughter and they should also treat you well but you don't want to come off looking like someone they are portraying you to be either.
It will look like an act of revenge. Unless they are particularly abusive or nasty to their grandchild, then I'd just suggest you let your fiance take her to see them and you stay away for a bit.

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2022 23:30

Your partner is your problem, not your in-laws.

Starcircle · 28/12/2022 23:31

I’m curious that you are so upset about being asked to leave by your future in laws but don’t seem especially bothered by your fiancé messaging other women and being rip-roaring drunk? I think your anger is understandable but directed in the wrong direction

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 28/12/2022 23:32

So your partner was/is cheating on you and messaging another woman? You were engaged to him and now you aren't. His reaction is to get drunk and argue.

I would imagine his parents had had enough of his behaviour and that's why they kicked him out. The only thing I can't work out is why you haven't done the same.

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 23:36

OP, I just twigged that you’re the poster who is with the drug addict who was asking his dealer for a hand job.

You have your priorities really messed up.

You need to get this man away from your baby. She doesn’t deserve to be stuck with someone doing drugs around her.

You need to protect her.

hartytype · 28/12/2022 23:38

To quote a MN favourite: "you have a DH problem "

Where was he when you were getting chucked out?

Why are you with him?

Changechangychange · 28/12/2022 23:41

Just break up with him, and then you won’t have to see any of them ever again. It certainly doesn’t sound like you’ll see your DP for dust.

strawberriesplease · 28/12/2022 23:43

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 23:36

OP, I just twigged that you’re the poster who is with the drug addict who was asking his dealer for a hand job.

You have your priorities really messed up.

You need to get this man away from your baby. She doesn’t deserve to be stuck with someone doing drugs around her.

You need to protect her.

Jeezo

Wolfiefan · 28/12/2022 23:43

Yep he’s the problem.

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2022 23:43

Where was he when you were getting chucked out?

Probably out getting drugs. He is an abusive drug taking drunk.

strawberriesplease · 28/12/2022 23:47

Just read the other thread.

Wow.

You've serious boundary issues. Why is that? Have you ever had counselling for it?

Being brutal, you're fucked if you don't.

Lexi868 · 28/12/2022 23:53

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 23:36

OP, I just twigged that you’re the poster who is with the drug addict who was asking his dealer for a hand job.

You have your priorities really messed up.

You need to get this man away from your baby. She doesn’t deserve to be stuck with someone doing drugs around her.

You need to protect her.

Oh my god. I dont think you should be worried about denying grandparents access to your child so much as fiance at this point!

Shadope · 28/12/2022 23:54

Why would a drug dealer give a handjob? This is the most fucked up thread I’ve ever read. Get out tonight, go to women’s aid and never let him near you or your child again

kitcat15 · 29/12/2022 00:00

Your partner is a twat...you need to be angry at home not your inlaws

AftersomeAdvice234 · 29/12/2022 00:01

You’re joking right? Should that not say your partner?

how do you expect your in laws- in fact anyone else to take you seriously when you have no self respect for yourself and let your partner treat you the way he does?

your poor child will be raised in this sh** show and end up in a cycle of bad decisions bcos of what you have role modelled to her

BornBlonde · 29/12/2022 00:04

OP he is not a good Dad or partner. Get away from him & protect your baby

TheShellBeach · 29/12/2022 00:17

OP Why are you still with him? After all the advice you got on your other thread?

He is never going to step up to the plate and be the partner and father you wish for. You would be so much better off as a single parent.

You've said that you had a good career and have your own property. (On your other thread, I mean). There is no good reason why you can't just end things with this loser.

Seriously, your prospective in-laws are the very least of your problems.

UneFoisAuChalet · 29/12/2022 00:17

His parents threw you out because they don’t want to deal with your shit or his anymore!

Sorry OP - don’t buy for one minute that you were cool and collected and reconciled by Christmas morning. They’re probably used to his drama and didn’t want to spoil their Christmas. They’re most likely concerned that their grandchild is being raised by a pair of loons and short of taking the child off you, the better option was probably to tell you both to leave and take your mess with you.

You are completely blaming the wrong party. His parents aren’t to blame - he IS. And so are you. Why in the world would you want a child to grow up in a home with a drug/drunk parent with rows and police and all that it brings??

FFS. Raise the bar. You say in the other thread your a professional with a good job in your 30s - so act it. Remove yourself and your child from this disaster.

Aprilx · 29/12/2022 00:31

Your “in-laws” have got higher standards than you. They didn’t throw out their grandchild as you dramatically put it, they threw out the two adults who brought a domestic into their home. Good for them. I wouldn’t want guests to behave like that in my home either and furthermore, most people do not behave like that in somebody else’s house.

Banning them from seeing their grandchild does not seem like the priority here, that is you weaponising your child. Your priority should be sorting out this absolute shit show that you have brought this new life into. Rai your bar and get rid of this awful man.

MzLucky · 29/12/2022 00:51

Jeezo. Get some self respect and boundaries. Put your child before you and him.

Honestly breaks my heart. People on here are struggling to conceive and this poor childs brought into this... the worst life and parents.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 00:54

Ok I read the other post now which goes into detail about druggie fiance. He's no good and will be a terrible role model around your daughter.
He is the person you need to focus getting away from- not grandparents.
You have an innocent young child to look after and he will only drag you both down. All this drinking and drugs is disastrous and you will need to be a resilient, stable parent and leave him.
Do you have any close family for support?

toomuchlaundry · 29/12/2022 00:59

What are his redeeming features? I assume you don’t want social services knocking on your door. Leave him!

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