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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I ban my in-laws from seeing my child?

79 replies

ERMS21 · 28/12/2022 23:21

Where to start… on Christmas Day, me, my fiancé & 1 year child were thrown out of my in-laws house at 8am (4 hours away from our home) because my partner and I got into a domestic the day before - which he caused.

I received a message from a random man asking me to stop my fiancé from messaging his girlfriend on Xmas eve morning. I was understandably shocked and heartbroken, and wanted time alone - with my child - to process it. So I went out for abit longer than planned for her lunch nap, and decided because I felt so ashamed and embarassed (his family all knew and were talking about it and had even come up to me and said stuff about it) that I wanted to spend the evening alone when I came back. And FYI - I had already requested Xmas eve alone with my child on her first Xmas to continue a tradition of Xmas eve present giving I had with my mum. There were, however, crossed words in earshot from both me and my fiancé. My fiancé had been drinking all day and came to me twice to talk me, and because he is such an awful drunk, I didn’t want to. My fiancé and I did however resolve this on Xmas eve night, and then I wake up the next day all happy and ready for Xmas, to be told we are kicked out.

my child’s grandmother and grandfather kicked her out on Xmas day morning, to get a 4 hour taxi back to our home! Because we ‘had to be at home to resolve our problems’ - which was already resolved!

my fiancés family are fine with him now. But they all blame me and are treating me like I have killed someone. Despite the fact I have apologise and accepted all accountability for something I never did, they refuse to speak to me. They have been very rude to me, ignored me, told me how they’ve had such a bad few days without any consideration of what they caused for me and my daughter and for my partner to end it with me and take my ring off me (now back together, no ring) they disrespected my daughter, and are now acting like I have done the worst crime and am worthy of nothing. For the sake of saving my relationship, I have not told my partner how hurt I am. I am crying secretly on my own. I am barely sleeping and constantly angry and hurt. I do not want his family seeing my child until they start treating me better. Is that unreasonable? I do not feel they have a right to see my child, when they treat her mother so awfully

while I accept I could have been more sociable when I got back from my daughters nap walk, and that I could have been politer when in ear shot, I do not accept full accountability for anything else as that includes my partner too. I’d like to add that all day my partner informed me they understood how I felt, so I went on presuming they understood and it was ok. And spent most of the day pissed and at the pub which made it even more difficult to handle the situation.

May I add that his family caused so many issues when my daughter was born. His sister is incredibly selfish, the day my daughter was born she rang up crying about her own problems - didn’t ask how I was, how my child was, or congratulate me. On her first birthday, she sends me a photo of her child, and does not wish my child happy birthday! She harassed us to see us basically every weekend when she was born - who needs that when they’ve just had a traumatic birth! No one. His mother kept picking up my daughter when she was first born without asking me, and at one point refused to give her back to me. And I have not once said anything to them.

who throws their child and grandchild out on Xmas day for a 4 hour taxi journey because of a domestic they should never have been involved in? I have a new found respect for my own mother, because she would never treat her family so badly! And as a mother myself now, either would I!

OP posts:
Flashingtealights · 29/12/2022 08:16

Feel incredibly sad for your baby. Having read your previous posts I’m astounded to see you call this worthless male your Fiancé. He’s a cheating druggie with a drink problem and that’s his good points. WTF are you thinking and why aren’t you prioritising your child, she’s relying on you to keep her safe and you are blatantly ignoring her needs. I don’t say it lightly but social services need to step in before you and this dropkick irreparably damage her life. Shameful !!

YoBeaches · 29/12/2022 08:23

At this stage if I were your in laws Id probably be phoning social services about the grandchild.

A drunk drug and abusive father and a mother who is unable to safeguard.

You need to make a clear choice of priority- your daughter or your boyfriend.

In your other thread you say you are financially stable and have two properties. So move. You have the means to get out for this situation for the good of everybody.

Stop Blaming everyone else for your shitty decisions. And grow up.

MeJane · 29/12/2022 08:37

Miss03852 · 29/12/2022 01:24

Yes her DP is a shit but her in laws shouldn’t be ruining OP’s and their Grandchild’s Christmas over his mistake. She can’t ban her DP from seeing her child but the in laws clearly don’t mind ruining her Christmas. YANBU to go no contact.

A ruined Christmas should not be the focus of the OP's anger here.

She is living with an alcoholic drug user who isn't even slightly interested in either her or their baby and who is having affairs. The OP doesn't work and is in a ridiculously bad situation. Christmas is the absolute least of her problems.

If I was you OP i wouldn't 'go no contact'. When you finally come to the same realisation that they have already reached, that this man is a hopeless loser, you might want a relationship with them. You might need them.

Pinkflipflop85 · 29/12/2022 08:46

This poor poor baby.

You are failing as a parent to sageguard them.

FlamingJingleBells · 29/12/2022 08:51

If I knew you in real life I would report you both to social services for the drugs and failing to safe guard your child properly. The pair of you are fucked up and don't have your child's best interests at heart.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 29/12/2022 08:57

FlamingJingleBells · 29/12/2022 08:51

If I knew you in real life I would report you both to social services for the drugs and failing to safe guard your child properly. The pair of you are fucked up and don't have your child's best interests at heart.

I would also. I hope somebody close to you does report you OP. Your child deserves much better

GCAcademic · 29/12/2022 09:00

You’re as bad as your druggie “partner”, OP. At least he has the vague excuse of addiction rather than making an active choice like you to bring up your child in an environment where parents take drugs, cheat, get drunk and argue.

Ritasueandwhatshisfacetoo · 29/12/2022 09:03

Don’t make the mistake I did. I thought DH family wouldn’t affect us and I could grin and bare it. I wish I’d got out in those early days and just been with my children and my own family. I have distanced from his family now but it still causes us issues. You don’t just marry the man I’m afraid - you marry them all to a certain extent. It can be really shit. Take this episode as a wake up call. You’re fiancé is a potential cheater and his family are arse holes. Leave him and you won’t have to let any of them near you or your child again.

TheYummyPatler · 29/12/2022 09:09

Did you grow up in the chaos of a dysfunctional family OP? Because you seem to be unable to appreciate what the actual problem is in your situation.

Right from the start of your post, where you explain you and your partner has ‘a domestic’, the tone of it all suggests you have literally no idea what normal or acceptable would even look like.

Tbh, I think social services involvement might be extremely useful here. You clearly need a professional help to even know where the absolute baseline for an acceptable relationship and family life might even be.

piedbeauty · 29/12/2022 09:15

Why did the OW's p ring you, not your cheating p?

Why aren't you more concerned about your cheating p than the behaviour of his awful family??

They all sounds vile. For goodness sake, dump him - and them. Your dd deserves more.

RedHelenB · 29/12/2022 09:19

You're in your 30s but behaving like a teenager. You don't have to take your baby to visit your inlaws, but your baby's dad has every right to if he wishes.

MintJulia · 29/12/2022 09:24

You can solve all of this by getting rid of the problem - your boyfriend.

Why are you planning to marry a dishonest cheating drunk? You are setting your dd up for a miserable childhood, and years of unhappiness for yourself. What are you thinking of? Where is your self respect?

iveseenitinthemovies · 29/12/2022 09:35

This sounds as if your daughters grandparents are refusing to be involved in the drama, it may be that the grandparents decide to step away from the drama and abuse and not build a relationship with their granddaughter.

Shoecleaner · 29/12/2022 09:49

Your partner is a complete twat and his parents were completely reasonable to have thrown you both out for bringing your Eastenders life to their house. Get a grip and leave him now before it gets any worse. He is a SHIT dad and SHIT partner.

Jinglecrunch · 29/12/2022 10:06

'My partner and I got into a domestic'

What does that mean exactly? Raised voices? Slammed doors? Swearing and name calling? A real or perceived threat of violence? I don't think they did the wrong thing asking you to leave (the following morning, once he had sobered up), because they have a right to feel safe in their own home. The really sad thing here is that you had a baby there with you, a baby who is going to keep being in the middle of bad situations so long as her parents stay in this toxic relationship. You need to split up. When I was with my ex there was always a drama, that's because he created the drama. When we broke up there was no more drama anymore, when you're in the middle of a tornado it can be hard to get perspective, because all you can see is the destruction your tornado has caused. But when you break up and are no longer in a tornado, you can see that the problem was not the destruction the tornado caused but the tornado itself. A tornado is no place to raise a child, and at some point the authorities will step in and other people will intervene, because they can see from the outside that no good can come of raising a child in the middle of this.

You're anger is misplaced, and I get it. I used to feel angry with everyone, and go to my ex for comfort, it takes a while to realise that the person you go to for comfort is also the cause of the upset, and that the whole world is much better without them in it, but trust me, someday you will look back on this and wonder what the hell you were thinking, the sooner you are on that road to sanity and recovery the better because the damage done to even a young child is massive, and takes years to heal from and right now you still have an exit route.

Motherofalittledragon · 29/12/2022 10:49

You need to get the hell away from that partner of yours, he's the problem. Raise your standards and dump his ass.

Spidey66 · 29/12/2022 11:03

If you don't leave him NOW, you are in grave danger of social services stepping in and removing your baby. If I was your inlaws, I'd be picking up the phone to them immediately. Your poor baby.

As others have said , you're angry with the wrong people here.

And as for the previous poster sticking up for you....I strongly suspect a sockpuppet.

MerryChristmasTree · 29/12/2022 11:26

You are bringing up your DD in a complete mess. She will copy your relationships when she’s older because she won’t know any different and has no healthy, loving relationships as an example. Stop trying to play happy families with a alcoholic druggie loser and think about your child.

Notsofestive1 · 29/12/2022 14:43

I really hope someone who knows you and your situation reports you both to social services. As I have also read your previous thread and think it’s disgusting you are still with this man and haven’t prioritised your child. You clearly are never going to leave him and you are prepared to drag your child into this toxic abusive way of life so the only chance your child has is for this to be reported and social services step in.

Nagado · 29/12/2022 15:32

What was your relationship with your father like?

Halloumi22 · 29/12/2022 15:33

My own mum married an alcoholic and after that, an emotionally abusive and controlling t4at, when I was a child. She chose to stay with both of them for years, I can only gauge, because she didn’t want to be by herself, so the impact it had on me just passed her by. One even assaulted me in front of her and whilst she made a show of being angry at the time, she took him back.
It still impacts me now and makes me incredibly angry and resentful at her and will never forgive her. I will never let my children be alone with her.

I cannot stand it when women put shitty men above their children. You can be messing up that child for life and for what?

Miss03852 · 29/12/2022 16:04

MeJane · 29/12/2022 08:37

A ruined Christmas should not be the focus of the OP's anger here.

She is living with an alcoholic drug user who isn't even slightly interested in either her or their baby and who is having affairs. The OP doesn't work and is in a ridiculously bad situation. Christmas is the absolute least of her problems.

If I was you OP i wouldn't 'go no contact'. When you finally come to the same realisation that they have already reached, that this man is a hopeless loser, you might want a relationship with them. You might need them.

Yes she’s in a toxic abusive situation and her grandparents solution is to chuck her out?! Of course she should get rid of her DP but she might be financially stuck with him like many women are. He is awful but so are the Grandparents. They raised him and their solution is to punish her and their Grandchild.

I have a feeling it’s a lot of Grannies replying to my comment who are defensive because they wouldn’t want to be cut off. I can see how their son ended up a complete shit. It’s obviously in his genes and upbringing. Even if she leaves her DP he will be entitled to access so she can’t remove him from her child’s life anyway.

billy1966 · 29/12/2022 20:33

Forget about his parents.

Your poor child with a drunken cheat for a father.

Get yourself sorted and start protecting her from the horrible environment she has been born into.

MeJane · 29/12/2022 21:10

Yes she’s in a toxic abusive situation and her grandparents solution is to chuck her out?!

Perhaps his parents don't see powering through Christmas Day with a couple who aren't speaking to each other because one of them is a drug taking alcoholic who has cheated on the mother of their grandchild as providing a solution to the OP being in a toxic abusive situation.

Perhaps they have tried before to provide solutions or perhaps they don't see providing solutions as their place.

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