I don’t know where to start. Had a whirlwind romance and got (planned) pregnant after 6 months. Little girl is now 10 months and ever since I got pregnant my relationship has just gone down the drain.
my partner has lied to me for 18 months for his drug use / addiction. Has a drinking problem. Would rather make plans with his friends for a night out than plan something nice with me. He was awful to me when pregnant, always out drunk / on drugs, lies after lies. I got ready for baby on my own, buying all and getting flat ready, he was never there at weekends etc. Since baby came he has been secretly on drugs around us. His drinking is too much for me - 1/2 times a week, and he’s excessive. I’ve always asked him to stop drugs, get help for addiction, and to not drink in excess. And this is a lot where Our arguments start. There have been multiple days I’ve had to look after baby on my own with little sleep because he’s come in at 3am, woke us up, had a go at me, and is too hungover to do anything the next day
I had prenatal depression, and he’d call me dramatic, was incredibly unsupportive. When I had postnatal, he told me to do better, do more. He put so much pressure on me to return to ‘normal’ when that just isn’t a thing for new mums. He has called me horrible names since I’ve been pregnant until today - psycho, nutter, fucked up, lunatic, etc etc when baby came and his family tried to be overbearing and involved, he had no support for me at all!
most recently, I have kept catching illnesses from my daughter, and each time he says I am lying about being ill and refused to help with baby so I can rest - even if I’m visibly sick. I had to go to A&E at the weekend as I found out there I was developing Pneumonia, and he said he thought I only went to A&E to spite him, and that I’m dramatic, lunatic, psycho and to ‘shut the fuck up’ when I asked him to feed our daughter as I felt too ill, ‘it’s nothing’
I feel like a 1950s housewife that does all the housework (I don’t work) and I’m supposed to just be ok with everything he does because he brings In the money (prepregnancy I was very successful, big career) and be a mute little stepford housewife who provides sex, food and smiles on tap
he messaged his drug dealer asking for a hand job. On our first holiday in Mallorca with 5 month old, he was on drugs!! He got pissed 90% of the nights and spent it witj Random other people in the hotel than us - tbh I think this was when I really knew how incompatible we were. All I wanted was nice romantic dinners, and cosy cuddle reading books in bed with our baby next to us.
we constantly argue. Because I’m not happy. How can I be happy with any of this! He broke my trust, repeatedly. He thinks I would fake an illness and go to A&E to spite him!! I’ve rung the police on him last month because I couldn’t take his crap anymore and When they came I freaked out and blamed myself!!
when I write all of this, I know it sounds awful. I even question myself why I am with him. But he definitely isn’t all bad. He is a good dad, and does do a lot for baby even though he works. Most days he’ll ask if I need anything, and nothing is actually too much for him - he’s happy to play his part if I ask. He asks how I am. He took my parents away on holiday 2 months ago Etc. Ok I’m really pulling at strings here. We can have really lovely times together, like our walks & lunches etc.
he used to be my best fiend and I’d tell him everything. Now I don’t see the point. He doesn’t care. He makes no time for me, I wish he did.
we don’t laugh that much though. I really enjoy our times cosy on the couch and watching reality tv etc in the eve, but more recently has said it’s not ‘fun’ but for me that’s my highlight of the day when he gets home and we do that
I crave his love. I wish he loved me and cared for me in the way I need. I just want to be able to have serious conversations with him without feeling scared. Not to feel boring like he’s told me I am. I am not perfect, I have changed alot since pregnancy. I’m not as fun as I used to be, but seriously who is!! I know I’m normal. But again I am not perfect. I am
needy, and lonely as a new mum. I called the police on him. I rant at him on messages for hours. I don’t drink. I’m a neat freak. I have insulted his family to him, I always ask him to leave and sleep
on couch. I HAD anger issues (no longer), I have very little social life and can’t really be bothered anymore. But I also know alot of our problems wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for him
it’s not that I can’t accept blame, but I spent my whole 31 years before him blaming myself so everything that I can’t anymore. I always accept
if I’m actually wrong though
I don’t know what to do. I do love him. But I feel like it’s falling. I threaten to break up all the time, but if he mentions it my heart drops and my life feels over. I don’t want to be a single mum. I can’t afford to be a single mum. And I most certainly do not want my baby to have a second mum, and I have no interest in being with anyone else ever. Our baby deserves to have a happy family, her mum and dad together. A family home. One bedroom etc. no animosity. I don’t know how to do that though or if it’s too late