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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I ban my in-laws from seeing my child?

79 replies

ERMS21 · 28/12/2022 23:21

Where to start… on Christmas Day, me, my fiancé & 1 year child were thrown out of my in-laws house at 8am (4 hours away from our home) because my partner and I got into a domestic the day before - which he caused.

I received a message from a random man asking me to stop my fiancé from messaging his girlfriend on Xmas eve morning. I was understandably shocked and heartbroken, and wanted time alone - with my child - to process it. So I went out for abit longer than planned for her lunch nap, and decided because I felt so ashamed and embarassed (his family all knew and were talking about it and had even come up to me and said stuff about it) that I wanted to spend the evening alone when I came back. And FYI - I had already requested Xmas eve alone with my child on her first Xmas to continue a tradition of Xmas eve present giving I had with my mum. There were, however, crossed words in earshot from both me and my fiancé. My fiancé had been drinking all day and came to me twice to talk me, and because he is such an awful drunk, I didn’t want to. My fiancé and I did however resolve this on Xmas eve night, and then I wake up the next day all happy and ready for Xmas, to be told we are kicked out.

my child’s grandmother and grandfather kicked her out on Xmas day morning, to get a 4 hour taxi back to our home! Because we ‘had to be at home to resolve our problems’ - which was already resolved!

my fiancés family are fine with him now. But they all blame me and are treating me like I have killed someone. Despite the fact I have apologise and accepted all accountability for something I never did, they refuse to speak to me. They have been very rude to me, ignored me, told me how they’ve had such a bad few days without any consideration of what they caused for me and my daughter and for my partner to end it with me and take my ring off me (now back together, no ring) they disrespected my daughter, and are now acting like I have done the worst crime and am worthy of nothing. For the sake of saving my relationship, I have not told my partner how hurt I am. I am crying secretly on my own. I am barely sleeping and constantly angry and hurt. I do not want his family seeing my child until they start treating me better. Is that unreasonable? I do not feel they have a right to see my child, when they treat her mother so awfully

while I accept I could have been more sociable when I got back from my daughters nap walk, and that I could have been politer when in ear shot, I do not accept full accountability for anything else as that includes my partner too. I’d like to add that all day my partner informed me they understood how I felt, so I went on presuming they understood and it was ok. And spent most of the day pissed and at the pub which made it even more difficult to handle the situation.

May I add that his family caused so many issues when my daughter was born. His sister is incredibly selfish, the day my daughter was born she rang up crying about her own problems - didn’t ask how I was, how my child was, or congratulate me. On her first birthday, she sends me a photo of her child, and does not wish my child happy birthday! She harassed us to see us basically every weekend when she was born - who needs that when they’ve just had a traumatic birth! No one. His mother kept picking up my daughter when she was first born without asking me, and at one point refused to give her back to me. And I have not once said anything to them.

who throws their child and grandchild out on Xmas day for a 4 hour taxi journey because of a domestic they should never have been involved in? I have a new found respect for my own mother, because she would never treat her family so badly! And as a mother myself now, either would I!

OP posts:
Kinfis2016 · 23/04/2023 11:43

I need to help and advice, so starting from the beginning:

My mother in law has always made me feel like she hated me and that I wasn't welcome in her family. Many times before she told me to pack my bags and f* back to my own country. For me that was being racist but she doesn't think that and thinks I'm over reacting.

I've learnt to just ignore her and I really don't see her often but the issue I have at the moment is about my daughter.

My beautiful baby girl was born almost 6 weeks ago, and if I could I would stop her from seeing my baby girl forever.

When I first found out I was pregnant I didn't want her to know or my partners family with the history I have had from my mother in law, however I thought maybe my baby girl would be the thing she might need to break the ice and accept me. I was fully wrong.

Me and my partner rang her and told her the good news that we were expecting, and the first thing that you heard was the fact that me and my partner are toxic we shouldn't be having children, that this child would be unhappy and neglected in our home. From then I kept my low profile because I didn't want to stress as much.

When I did see her a few days after that incident she was as cold as ice towards me and I had a feeling that she would do anything to prove to me that she has all the power and I my feeling wasn't wrong

It got to mine and my partner's 12 week scan and my father in law took us and I was really happy because I thought maybe a change, as it was my mother in law who got him to take us. Well later on that day both me and my partner found out that his mother never wanted his dad to take us and at first she even told him he wasn't allowed to take us. To all this, my friend had shown me messages that my partner's mother had been sending to her, calling me it, saying that our daughter isn't his child, she wishes that I wasn't pregnant and was having this child, so that night I messaged her and said that she will never see my child again and that was a promise because I didn't want my baby going through the same issues

Through this whole pregnancy I have kept my distance and away from her. She kept asking my partner how my appointments when and if we know the gender and stuff. So me and my partner made the decision that if he wants he can tell my in laws what we are having. Well my mother in law decided to tell everyone our gender and when we told her that she really upset us and that it was wrong because she didn't even ask us if it was okay, she started to blame me and my partner for not allowing her to be happy she is having a granddaughter, but she didn't want her before hand.

My mother in law also tried telling me that my doctor's and nurses were wrong and that I was making a big deal out of nothing or that she didn't believe that the doctors said that they might have to induce me at 32 weeks because of all the issues and complications that me and my partner had.

My mother in law also made a big issue about what name and surname our daughter would have. In her opinion our daughter should of only had my partner's surname and not a joint surname.

A few days ago I also found out that the day I told her that she would never see our daughter she got legal advice about getting legal rights to our daughter. She also, told me that she had legal rights towards our daughter and that she needs and has to know everything that goes on in her life and every medical appointment or hospital visit that our daughter has.

I really don't know what to do. I wish my mother in law wouldn't be able to see our daughter but also I don't want any legal procedures and have my daughter taken off me. Someone please help I'm really stressed and anxious about this.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 23/04/2023 11:50

Kinfis2016 · 23/04/2023 11:43

I need to help and advice, so starting from the beginning:

My mother in law has always made me feel like she hated me and that I wasn't welcome in her family. Many times before she told me to pack my bags and f* back to my own country. For me that was being racist but she doesn't think that and thinks I'm over reacting.

I've learnt to just ignore her and I really don't see her often but the issue I have at the moment is about my daughter.

My beautiful baby girl was born almost 6 weeks ago, and if I could I would stop her from seeing my baby girl forever.

When I first found out I was pregnant I didn't want her to know or my partners family with the history I have had from my mother in law, however I thought maybe my baby girl would be the thing she might need to break the ice and accept me. I was fully wrong.

Me and my partner rang her and told her the good news that we were expecting, and the first thing that you heard was the fact that me and my partner are toxic we shouldn't be having children, that this child would be unhappy and neglected in our home. From then I kept my low profile because I didn't want to stress as much.

When I did see her a few days after that incident she was as cold as ice towards me and I had a feeling that she would do anything to prove to me that she has all the power and I my feeling wasn't wrong

It got to mine and my partner's 12 week scan and my father in law took us and I was really happy because I thought maybe a change, as it was my mother in law who got him to take us. Well later on that day both me and my partner found out that his mother never wanted his dad to take us and at first she even told him he wasn't allowed to take us. To all this, my friend had shown me messages that my partner's mother had been sending to her, calling me it, saying that our daughter isn't his child, she wishes that I wasn't pregnant and was having this child, so that night I messaged her and said that she will never see my child again and that was a promise because I didn't want my baby going through the same issues

Through this whole pregnancy I have kept my distance and away from her. She kept asking my partner how my appointments when and if we know the gender and stuff. So me and my partner made the decision that if he wants he can tell my in laws what we are having. Well my mother in law decided to tell everyone our gender and when we told her that she really upset us and that it was wrong because she didn't even ask us if it was okay, she started to blame me and my partner for not allowing her to be happy she is having a granddaughter, but she didn't want her before hand.

My mother in law also tried telling me that my doctor's and nurses were wrong and that I was making a big deal out of nothing or that she didn't believe that the doctors said that they might have to induce me at 32 weeks because of all the issues and complications that me and my partner had.

My mother in law also made a big issue about what name and surname our daughter would have. In her opinion our daughter should of only had my partner's surname and not a joint surname.

A few days ago I also found out that the day I told her that she would never see our daughter she got legal advice about getting legal rights to our daughter. She also, told me that she had legal rights towards our daughter and that she needs and has to know everything that goes on in her life and every medical appointment or hospital visit that our daughter has.

I really don't know what to do. I wish my mother in law wouldn't be able to see our daughter but also I don't want any legal procedures and have my daughter taken off me. Someone please help I'm really stressed and anxious about this.

You need to start your own thread or else people will come back on and just answer the original post

If you are in the UK grandparents only have rights in very specific circumstances, I.e. they have been caring for the child for several years. Your inlaws have no legal rights whatsoever to a baby they dont even know

Aprilx · 23/04/2023 11:51

@Kinfis2016

Please start your own thread. People are going to read the first post and answer that without seeing your post.

Kinfis2016 · 23/04/2023 11:55

How do I do that sorry I'm new on here

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