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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I ban my in-laws from seeing my child?

79 replies

ERMS21 · 28/12/2022 23:21

Where to start… on Christmas Day, me, my fiancé & 1 year child were thrown out of my in-laws house at 8am (4 hours away from our home) because my partner and I got into a domestic the day before - which he caused.

I received a message from a random man asking me to stop my fiancé from messaging his girlfriend on Xmas eve morning. I was understandably shocked and heartbroken, and wanted time alone - with my child - to process it. So I went out for abit longer than planned for her lunch nap, and decided because I felt so ashamed and embarassed (his family all knew and were talking about it and had even come up to me and said stuff about it) that I wanted to spend the evening alone when I came back. And FYI - I had already requested Xmas eve alone with my child on her first Xmas to continue a tradition of Xmas eve present giving I had with my mum. There were, however, crossed words in earshot from both me and my fiancé. My fiancé had been drinking all day and came to me twice to talk me, and because he is such an awful drunk, I didn’t want to. My fiancé and I did however resolve this on Xmas eve night, and then I wake up the next day all happy and ready for Xmas, to be told we are kicked out.

my child’s grandmother and grandfather kicked her out on Xmas day morning, to get a 4 hour taxi back to our home! Because we ‘had to be at home to resolve our problems’ - which was already resolved!

my fiancés family are fine with him now. But they all blame me and are treating me like I have killed someone. Despite the fact I have apologise and accepted all accountability for something I never did, they refuse to speak to me. They have been very rude to me, ignored me, told me how they’ve had such a bad few days without any consideration of what they caused for me and my daughter and for my partner to end it with me and take my ring off me (now back together, no ring) they disrespected my daughter, and are now acting like I have done the worst crime and am worthy of nothing. For the sake of saving my relationship, I have not told my partner how hurt I am. I am crying secretly on my own. I am barely sleeping and constantly angry and hurt. I do not want his family seeing my child until they start treating me better. Is that unreasonable? I do not feel they have a right to see my child, when they treat her mother so awfully

while I accept I could have been more sociable when I got back from my daughters nap walk, and that I could have been politer when in ear shot, I do not accept full accountability for anything else as that includes my partner too. I’d like to add that all day my partner informed me they understood how I felt, so I went on presuming they understood and it was ok. And spent most of the day pissed and at the pub which made it even more difficult to handle the situation.

May I add that his family caused so many issues when my daughter was born. His sister is incredibly selfish, the day my daughter was born she rang up crying about her own problems - didn’t ask how I was, how my child was, or congratulate me. On her first birthday, she sends me a photo of her child, and does not wish my child happy birthday! She harassed us to see us basically every weekend when she was born - who needs that when they’ve just had a traumatic birth! No one. His mother kept picking up my daughter when she was first born without asking me, and at one point refused to give her back to me. And I have not once said anything to them.

who throws their child and grandchild out on Xmas day for a 4 hour taxi journey because of a domestic they should never have been involved in? I have a new found respect for my own mother, because she would never treat her family so badly! And as a mother myself now, either would I!

OP posts:
PopUpMoon · 29/12/2022 01:01

Lawd he’s done a number on you hasn’t he?

He’s an abusive, cheating addict, and very openly so in front of his family.

Call Women’s Aid.

Christmasnero · 29/12/2022 01:02

Couldn’t even read all this
stop getting involved in the drama.
why did you get back with him after that. And apologise to them?
figure out why you have such low low standards to take back a fiancé, who cheated on you, is a drunk and druggie and let his family treat you like that.

your in laws are a tiny part of a huge issue.
i can’t even figure out why you’re focusing on them.

NosieRosie · 29/12/2022 01:19

Poor baby 🥲

TheShellBeach · 29/12/2022 01:20

www.womenaid.org.uk will give you advice, OP.

Miss03852 · 29/12/2022 01:24

Yes her DP is a shit but her in laws shouldn’t be ruining OP’s and their Grandchild’s Christmas over his mistake. She can’t ban her DP from seeing her child but the in laws clearly don’t mind ruining her Christmas. YANBU to go no contact.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 01:40

Miss03852 · 29/12/2022 01:24

Yes her DP is a shit but her in laws shouldn’t be ruining OP’s and their Grandchild’s Christmas over his mistake. She can’t ban her DP from seeing her child but the in laws clearly don’t mind ruining her Christmas. YANBU to go no contact.

Would love to hear grandparents side of story though before anyone starts suggesting no contact.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 29/12/2022 01:43

Dump the boyfriend and the inlaws will follow.

He's a drunk ,a cheat and an arsehole. Not a fiancé.

BadNomad · 29/12/2022 02:04

God. You need to get rid of him. What a horrible human to have around your child.

Liorae · 29/12/2022 02:08

Miss03852 · 29/12/2022 01:24

Yes her DP is a shit but her in laws shouldn’t be ruining OP’s and their Grandchild’s Christmas over his mistake. She can’t ban her DP from seeing her child but the in laws clearly don’t mind ruining her Christmas. YANBU to go no contact.

Until she wants a handout, of course

Liorae · 29/12/2022 02:08

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 01:40

Would love to hear grandparents side of story though before anyone starts suggesting no contact.

Indeed

DrMarciaFieldstone · 29/12/2022 02:13

Poor child. What a life to be born into.

ZaraBlue · 29/12/2022 02:19

Hurts my heart for the baby 💔 I am sorry you had a rough couple of days with the in laws but you need to look at the bigger issue here...

MayThe4th · 29/12/2022 02:25

What a disfunctional relationship. The pair of you are as bad as each other. Him because he’s a lying cheating drunk druggy and you for putting up with it. The only victim in this is the child who has such shit parents. And yes. That includes you.

Mumma · 29/12/2022 02:33

Leave. Get away from him. Before it is too late and your child sees too much.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/12/2022 02:40

That poor, poor child.

Talapia · 29/12/2022 02:40

By being with this man, you are not prioritising your daughters well being.

Don't worry about your in-laws, get yourself away from this man first.

I hope social services are aware of your situation, they should be.

MsDogLady · 29/12/2022 04:12

For the sake of saving my relationship, I have not told my partner how hurt I am.

Save it? Erms, you cannot justify subjecting your daughter to this abusive home with a cheating, drug addicted, alcoholic father and enabler mother. This train wreck will damage her life and future in untold ways.

Not only did he ask his dealer for a hand job, he treats you (and in turn DD) like shit on his shoe—calling you disgusting names, demanding that you shoulder all domestic/child responsibilities, mocking and accusing you of lying when you’ve been ill. He accused you of going to A & E with pneumonia to ‘spite’ him, and when you asked him to feed the baby because you felt too sick, he told you to ‘shut the fuck up.’ It’s no surprise that he doesn’t support you re his overbearing, over-involved family.

Erms, please do the Freedom Programme. Protect your child and yourself and make an exit plan.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 29/12/2022 04:37

DrMarciaFieldstone · 29/12/2022 02:13

Poor child. What a life to be born into.

This.

Liorae · 29/12/2022 04:41

MsDogLady · 29/12/2022 04:12

For the sake of saving my relationship, I have not told my partner how hurt I am.

Save it? Erms, you cannot justify subjecting your daughter to this abusive home with a cheating, drug addicted, alcoholic father and enabler mother. This train wreck will damage her life and future in untold ways.

Not only did he ask his dealer for a hand job, he treats you (and in turn DD) like shit on his shoe—calling you disgusting names, demanding that you shoulder all domestic/child responsibilities, mocking and accusing you of lying when you’ve been ill. He accused you of going to A & E with pneumonia to ‘spite’ him, and when you asked him to feed the baby because you felt too sick, he told you to ‘shut the fuck up.’ It’s no surprise that he doesn’t support you re his overbearing, over-involved family.

Erms, please do the Freedom Programme. Protect your child and yourself and make an exit plan.

Yes. But mummy can tell her friends she has a partner. Priorities...

SLS500 · 29/12/2022 05:12

You have a child. It's your job to protect her. Get rid of him!

Ponderingwindow · 29/12/2022 05:15

somehow I suspect that if it weren’t for the grandchild, the participants of the drunken row would have been thrown out immediately. Instead they had to wait until sobriety kicked in so they could trust that the grandchild would be safe.

op, your ire is directed at the wrong people. Your standards of behavior are completely skewed.

amylou8 · 29/12/2022 05:21

That all sounds very chaotic and not a nice environment for your child. Dump the drunk partner and you'll never need to see the in-laws again.

Lineeyes222 · 29/12/2022 05:29

Reading your other post, your in laws really should have reported you both to social services. Your partner being on drugs puts your child at risk and if you are too selfish as a parent to leave him, someone else really should step in and save your poor baby from the horrific childhood they will have.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 29/12/2022 05:31

why on earth do you want to save this relationship? this man sounds awful and his family is no better. why are you patching things up and accepting blame falsely. have some self respect and don't subject your daughter to any more of this. you need to end it. your daughter will have a right to an ongoing relationship with her dad but it's better for her to grow up seeing this toxic family for what it is and seeing that you don't accept it, rather than seeing you collaborating with their toxicity.

Annewilson · 29/12/2022 05:32

I agree

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