Fair for him to oppose paying for dc in this context? (Please be kind)

[biwncs]

before I start I want to say I’ve NC as I am embarrassed by this and I know I do NOT smell of roses here. Please don’t post if it’s just to sling mud at me, i know I haven’t been perfect by a long way.

when I was 37 I panicked about wanting dc and my partner at the time was 40. He had pushed it back a year already but in fairness to him we hadn’t been together long, only two years. He would often make comments about wanting dc and where we would take them, what schools theyd go to etc. I came off the pill and didn’t say and although we also used condoms (we always have, we prefer it), I became pregnant. He was conflicted at the start but after a couple of weeks said it was up to me and he would support me either way. I asked if he wanted a termination a few times and he said no. So we carried on. Half way through the pregnancy I felt I had to tell him I had come off the pill. It was a horrible conversation understandably but we moved past it. A year or so later we broke up, since then my ex has refused to pay a penny and hasn’t spent any time with dc. He has no other kids and as far as I know not with anyone else. He tells me he shouldn’t have to pay as I made him have a dc. I now feel so conflicted about maintenance? I feel he was giving me all the signs he wanted us to have dc and I did openly discuss termination and he said no. But ultimately he’s right I came off the pill and didn’t say. I am so confused/sad as to what to do and what’s right. He doesn’t seem interested in dc either and i feel that’s on me, though I never ever had him down as someone who would abandon his child. I just don’t know what to do and feel he has a point regarding finance.

In true mumsnet style it’s the man’s fault 🙄

File for child maintenance. The money is for his child, not you.

@Strictly1 well - he could have had a vasectomy

obviously the op has been reprehensible

but it does shine a light on how women kn the whole bear the burden of physically invasive contraceptive

I don’t know the science of it - but I still think it’s weird there’s no male pill like contraceptive

Your mental gymnastics has missed that the OP stopped taking the pill with out telling him.
But you continue blaming him.
As for the failed condom the OP has refused to answer the question

Legally, you are entitled to the money and it is for your dc. They are not at fault here at all and deserve the best possible life you can both provide for them. As a result, you should absolutely put a claim with cms in.

I feel bad for the dc as your poor morals will give them life long issues of an absent father. You need to make sure you’re there to support your dc mentally as they will likely feel abandoned, inadequate and rejected. They shouldn’t but that is how they will feel with an absent father. Fundamentally, it’s such a shame that the father hasn’t stepped up to see the dc but if he feels tricked into parenthood, he may never step up.

As a mum of two boys, I pray to God that they pick their future partner well and aren’t duped into anything like this as it’s unforgivable really.

Unfortunately for you, you will also have to live with the consequences. Every tear your dc sheds over this will be down to you. As a mum, I would find that pretty hard to live with.

Personally I hate the CMS, have been both sides of the fence here and they are basically a shitty organisation and completely incapable, inept and just beyond useless, their remit is about money not the child. However I do believe that both parents should pay to bring up a child so I would ask him again to arrange an agreement without CMS, when he disagrees go to them. If he then asks you to consider an agreement outside of CMS (which he may well do when he realises how shit they are) then the ball is in your court.

This is very harsh. I’m not sure the Op needs to hear that at all.

Not rtft but have read OPs posts. Ultimately when 2 fertile people have sex they have to accept the possibility of a pregnancy, however vanishingly remote that possibility is - no contraception is 100%.

The father of the child should pay maintenance and I would approach the CMS if I were you. It is up to the father ultimately whether or not he wants contact with the child and there isn't a lot you can do to influence that.

The child's needs should be front and foremost in this situation - everything else is largely irrelevant.

The lie is a problem re your relationship with him, but I'm not sure that going from two reliable forms of contraception to one reliable form of contraception, is a significant change here, in terms of his moral responsibility to his child, or his moral responsibility to his child's mother. You were still using condoms which are a form of contraception considered valid on its own. In addition, the pill can also fail, for various reasons. I know someone who got pregnant while using both the pill and condoms. The basic fact is that if a man, and a woman of childbearing age with a functioning uterus, have sexual intercourse with each other, conception is always a possibility. Even men who have had vasectomies have occasionally fathered children, albeit at a low rate. Even tubal ligation has a failure rate, albeit low. Even direct sexual contact without penetration has the possibility of conception. If a man wants a 100% probability of not fathering a child, the only way to achieve that is to never have sexual contact with a woman.

It’s not rape.

Not all men want to have kids with multiple women. Some actually want to have that family unit, with one woman and if he felt this way, she has robbed him of that. I don’t know of many men that want to have a child with a woman they end up absolutely despising.

To hear some of you talk, it’s almost like you’re downplaying what she did and of the opinion that it’s not a big deal. I hope you wouldn’t expect others to stick up for you if you were wronged in a similar manner.

Although morally he might want to have a relationship with his child, this isn’t cut and dry. If it means he has to have anything to do with her and this will create more drama in his innocent child’s life then you could understand him not wanting this. He has been completely trapped and this lady still seems to think she’s the one that should be expecting more and that he is the one letting her down. I wouldn’t want anything to do with her.

If I were in his situation I’d be telling you to go whistle. If you take it to court, the truth will come out, and your reputation ruined. You’re a real charmer.

He’ll still have to pay maintenance though.

@WorldCuppa still his child that he’s rejecting though isn’t it?

Really can't imagine a situation where a woman would be forced to pay child support to her sexual assaulter, really fucked up how so many people are defending the OP and I hope those that see nothing wrong with it don't have children either daughters to teach that it's ok to sexually assault someone nor sons to teach it's ok for them to be assaulted.

He needs to pay CM. That's a legal obligation. The rest of it doesn't matter. You can't make him have a relationship with his child. You will have to explain to your child one day why their father wanted nothing to do with them.

I’d be taking it to the Police before paying a penny. Even if it doesn’t change the situation, she shouldn’t get off lightly.

Slightly different scenario but similar cases have been tried in law. www.parksquarebarristers.co.uk/news/lie-fertility-negate-consent/

It’s for his kid though. It’s not for her.

www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-stealthing/

Of course these are all about women as the victim and it seems that Mumsnet users can identify abuse immediately in this scenario. For those still not understanding that this is deeper than him ending up with a child, flip this scenario and it’s the same!

That was a man impregnating a woman without her consent. Do you understand why that’s different?

It’s not the same.

What you actively did was awful - you’ve already acknowledged that. What everyone on here is failing to mention is that you have got a child who is going to grow up knowing that their father isn’t around and doesn’t want a relationship with them. You’ve got more things to worry about than if this ‘accidental’ father should pay maintenance or not. How did you think this would end up? Poor kid.

It’s because a man purposefully impregnating a woman is completely different to a woman purposely allowing herself to become pregnant.

Both are linked by a lack of consent (break it down to consensual sex). Ex dp consented to sex with a pill/condom combination.

So a woman purposely getting pregnant without the consent of the 'father' is no better than a man impregnating a woman without her consent.

No, it was not about impregnating her without consent. It was deemed such but the fact was she agreed to sex on the condition that he had said he was infertile and he wasn’t. She therefore stated that she would not have consented if she had known…..exactly the same scenario.