Fair for him to oppose paying for dc in this context? (Please be kind)

[biwncs]

before I start I want to say I’ve NC as I am embarrassed by this and I know I do NOT smell of roses here. Please don’t post if it’s just to sling mud at me, i know I haven’t been perfect by a long way.

when I was 37 I panicked about wanting dc and my partner at the time was 40. He had pushed it back a year already but in fairness to him we hadn’t been together long, only two years. He would often make comments about wanting dc and where we would take them, what schools theyd go to etc. I came off the pill and didn’t say and although we also used condoms (we always have, we prefer it), I became pregnant. He was conflicted at the start but after a couple of weeks said it was up to me and he would support me either way. I asked if he wanted a termination a few times and he said no. So we carried on. Half way through the pregnancy I felt I had to tell him I had come off the pill. It was a horrible conversation understandably but we moved past it. A year or so later we broke up, since then my ex has refused to pay a penny and hasn’t spent any time with dc. He has no other kids and as far as I know not with anyone else. He tells me he shouldn’t have to pay as I made him have a dc. I now feel so conflicted about maintenance? I feel he was giving me all the signs he wanted us to have dc and I did openly discuss termination and he said no. But ultimately he’s right I came off the pill and didn’t say. I am so confused/sad as to what to do and what’s right. He doesn’t seem interested in dc either and i feel that’s on me, though I never ever had him down as someone who would abandon his child. I just don’t know what to do and feel he has a point regarding finance.

If you genuinely believed he wanted a baby right then, then you wouldn’t have been so deceitful as to secretly come off your contraceptives would you? It’s sickening that he’s done everything he could to protect himself and clearly trusted you, but the law is on your side after your actions destroyed the relationship, potentially this poor man’s mental and financial well being, and your child is growing up fatherless.

He could've worn condoms at each occasion and used the procured the morning after pill if it failed. The pill isn't 100% either.

He could've had a vasectomy if he wanted 100% protection.

When contraception failed he still wanted the child. He should provide for his child.

If he's not happy with you he can terminate your relationship which he's done.

Condoms don't magically fail. If OP was that desperate she might have tampered with the condom too.

I think what you did was terrible and you've made it worse by telling him. It's a bit rich to now say you're confused. The least you can do is own your choices. You tricked him into having a baby that he didn't want so you should accept the result of that action. Yes, legally he's obliged to pay, but asking about fairness, honestly I think you'd be an arse for pursuing it. He didn't want the DC, he doesn't want a relationship with them and you should pay for the DC you alone wanted and you alone will bring up. Unfair for the DC maybe, but you weren't thinking of them or him, only of what you wanted so you should cover it. Think of it more like you'd been to a sperm bank, which is what you should have done really, if you were so determined to get pregnant.

I don't buy your line that he was making out he wanted DC, he can say what he likes but his actions were wearing condoms in the knowledge that you were on the pill hence he clearly wasn't TTC and you can't make out he was just because he was decent enough not to push for a termination.

He wanted a baby and the contraception failed
he was allowed to choose if there was a termination. He said no.
the child is his. Legally he has to pay.

you did the wrong thing but many couples only use condoms.
i know people who have gotten pregnant on the pill and with condoms.
you obviously did an awful thing to lie to him, and I can see why you’d break up now because he can’t trust you. But the kids his.

He knows there's a risk of conception every time he has sex, with anyone, even if contraception is used.

While OP hasn't covered herself in glory, only a real arsehole wouldn't try to financially support their child (and I would go so far as to say have a relationship with them). That's why he's useless. He's 40 FGS....Time for him to grow up.

Legally, he owes the money.

You well and truly screwed him over though and if you had any morals or self respect you’d leave him alone and work out how to pay for your child by yourself.

If you wanted a child so badly that you used deceit then you should be fully funding your child. Dont let your child go without just because one of their parents did not consent to having a child.

What you did was wrong and I think you clearly know that so I'll focus on your question

For me, it would depend on my financial position. If I were able to provide for my DC and give them a fulfilled life: was able to provide a home, clothes, food etc then I wouldn't personally despite being legally able to

But if I was hand to mouth and my child was going without (I'm not talking foreign holidays but eg didn't have their own room, couldn't afford clothes etc) then I would pursue a claim

Of course it’s relevant! The op lied about even being on contraception!

he was allowed to choose if there was a termination. He said no.

come off it. she tricked him into getting her pregnant, you think she'd have terminated if he'd says so?? also don't forget she was still lying to him at that point, hadn't told him she'd come off the pill so there was at least a shell-shocked sense that they were both in the same boat. but they weren't. she was at the wheel and taking him for a ride. can't believe how some people here blame the guy even when he's done all the right things and she's done wrong.

Legally he should pay, but I can see his point.

You wanted a free sperm donors, and got it so maybe you’re quid pro quo.

Your poor child

Legally, the child is entitled to the money but morally, you have behaved appallingly

Doesn't it bother you that you've potentially ruined the relationship between your child and their father?

Do you need the money?

And to all those saying he was tricked and shouldn't have to pay....it's more his responsibility to pay than the taxpayers'.

He had the sex, he should pay up.

@Lally12 i would never stop him having a relationship with his dc?! When did I say that?

The reality is the child exists now - the rights and wrongs of that doesn’t change the fact there is a human being who should be provided for by their parents until they are old enough to provide for themselves.

Apply for maintenance. The law will make him pay but won’t make him be a father, so send regular updates /photos how dc is doing but if your ex doesn’t want to build a relationship with his child, then there’s not much you can do.

No one's saying the taxpayers should pay though. They're saying the OP should.

As for he had the sex, he should pay up... seriously? She came off the pill because she wanted a baby. She should pay up. He shouldn't have to pay for sex with a condom with a grown up (he thought) on the pill (he thought).

Thanks for the replies. I could manage alone but dc would go without some extra things

I guess I feel messed about by him and that he was giving the impression he couldn’t wait to be parents and I just wanted to speed it up. I know it’s ridiculous.

Yes he should pay; if after you became pregnant he said he didn’t want the baby and had no involvement then I’d say he shouldn’t as that’s on you but he agreed to continue with the pregnancy and then I can only assume was part of your child’s life until you broke up and only then did he not want to pay? He can’t have it both ways.

I suspect the OP has fucked his guy up for life, doing that to him after two years together.

I imagine he'll find it very hard to ever trust again.

One can only hope the OP doesn't raise her child to have the same 'morals' as she does, although the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree, sadly.

*This guy

You were wrong, but you’ve owned it. He can’t punish you forever. Pursue a CMS claim and keep the door open for access to DC if you wish. If he is on the birth certificate then he is legally tied into paying maintenance for his child.

The only way to be sure you won’t end up with an unwanted child is to abstain from sex.

if you have sex then there is always a chance you could end up with a pregnancy, even if you take reasonable precautions. As a man the only way to avoid this is to abstain or have a vasectomy.

He is legally obliged to contribute to the financial welfare of any children - wanted or not wanted.

I personally would go via the CMS, you don’t have to be in contact with him, do everything through the agency so it is done correctly and impartially.

What you have done by coming off the pill is neither here nor there in my opinion, your body is your body. Would he have stopped having sex with you if you had told him? Doubtful. Does he only have sex with women who are on the pill? Again, doubtful.

Go via the CMS, learn the lesson and move on.

He might not want to pay but hey ho, he doesn’t get the option. Perhaps if he doesn’t want any children in his life he will now have a vasectomy.

There are very few lone parents financially sound enough to need NO govt help whatsoever after having children.

He had sex with her, he took the risk of pregnancy. The only surefire way to prevent pregnancy is abstinence. He is old enough to know it.

Legally you can. Morally I think what you did was completely wrong.