your perspective on argument with dh please

[Franklyfrost]

My partner has not been talking to me for nearly a week now. I'd like advice on what to do when the talking does start. We'd been having some difficulties and went to couple's therapy. I've been really trying to see the good things he does, be affectionate and adapt to his preferences. We've not been fighting since maybe October, whereas perviously we were constantly fighting which I found very stressful.

The thing that triggered the not talking was that he did something I'd asked him not to do... this is going to be stupidly long and a bit boring my apologies.

We have a loft space which you can crawl into. I have asked my partner on four or five occasions not to open the door to the loft and dump stuff in there. Instead I'd like him to leave the stuff outside the door where there is plenty of space and its in no ones way in a room he never goes into. I can then put it in right place the loft. His point of view is that it's not a big deal and I need to chill out. Which sounds fair enough BUT

1. because the loft is long and narrow so I can't access the loft when he dumps stuff in the crawl space. I go in there once or twice a week to fetch or return something.
2. he never goes in the loft, I have it all organised and labelled and am really keen to keep the space under control (the stuff in the loft is camping stuff, kids clothes and shoes, seasonal clothing and paperwork relating to the house: it's not MY stuff that I'm organising although I have bought it all as he doesn't contribute to these things)
3. the loft at our old house was a dumping ground, really stressful to find anything, my partner never went in there and when we moved house I did all the packing and moving, including the loft, which was full floor to ceiling full of miscellaneous chaos and never again will I have a loft of doom.

I feel like, given that I do all the maintenance and purchasing of the loft stuff, as well as having paid to have the have the loft turned into a storage space, he can help out by leaving things outside the door rather than opening the door and flinging them in. I've explained my fear of the loft becoming disorganised (it is a long tunnel type space) and asked him 4-5 times to not fling things in. He did it again 6 days ago and won't talk about it, I asked what the problem was with my request and if we could solve it together, he replied that the solution was for me to chill out. He always sees me as the problem and seems to have no concept of being in the wrong or compromise and he is very sensitive to feeling controlled or complained about. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him (although in practice I can't really leave). He's not spoken to me for 6 days, ignores me when I speak to him, will answer a direct question (rudely) if I repeat it several times. He did break his silence to shout at me in front of my parents over Christmas which was humiliating. He also threw some things around on Christmas day in front of the kids which was scary. At some point we'll have to talk. Was I asking too much? Is he in the right? I feel like his behaviour is wrong, especially over Christmas but maybe I deserve it for some unspecified reason. I really don't know what to do or say when he is ready to talk. Any advice? I feel numb, I feel like I want to make up and say it's all okay but I don't want to forgive him and he won't ever try to make amends as he things I'm in the wrong. Help me! No ltb thanks, it is not going to happen. The question is how to navigate or survive the bastard.

No you are not in the wrong, you do sound a little overprotective of the space but I understand why. It isn’t something that is worth fighting over. It sounds as though much bigger stuff is going on OP. It isn’t okay he shouted at you in front of family and threw things around in front of the children, but I know you know that and I imagine you know that plus this stonewalling is abusive.

You need to leave him.

I’m struggling to see why you’re together.

He also threw some things around on Christmas day in front of the kids which was scary

Protect your children by leaving.
He’s an arse and your request was totally reasonable.

Ffs why are you with him. He's created a toxic envy for your dc. Get out.

If you really are talking about " surviving the bastard" you do not love him. Is he loveable? Seems unlikely. Re-read what you've written. Is t this relationship worth saving?

It's so difficult to read threads like this where the poster is adamant they can't/don't want to leave, but from an outside perspective it's clear it's the only real solution.

Your partner is abusive. I've been in a situation in which I had to survive being with an abuser, and the safest thing to do was just to try my very best to appease him and never upset him. It's no way to live, but it's the only way to survive an abuser. If you're adamant leaving is not an option, that's all you can do. You can't reason with people with an abusive mentality.

It's horrible enough dealing with the silent treatment, let alone over Christmas. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Your request was perfectly reasonable, and his reaction is unacceptable, especially to show aggression in front of the DC.

I do feel overprotective of the space and would be happy to talk that through with him but there’s no dialogue with him, he just thinks I’m wrong. He never goes in the loft and doesn’t do any of the work purchasing, sorting and storing the family stuff in there so I feel like it’s okay to be protective of my efforts. I don’t have a lot of time on my hands and am not a natural house wife so I suppose that makes me more protective of the space too. It’s such a little thing, I know, but it’s because it’s such a little thing to ask for that his refusal matters. On the other hand maybe that’s being crazy, would other people just open the loft door to get something, see the crawl space blocked and happily tidy away the blockage?

You're totally missing the point, it isn't just about you. Your children are seeing this behaviour and it will become their normal, so if you stay you are really failing them.

It's really escalated from being about the loft to him blanking you for 6 days and throwing things about. Thats not on! There's some clear lack of him wanting to understand you. He could also simply apologise and next time do what you said- it's also not a big deal for him to listen.
If he's not helping you keep the space organised then at least don't cause more stress over it. How hard is it for him to just leave it where you ask. He's saying you need to chill but he's being a git.

I mean this very kindly, but you’re focusing on the wrong thing here. The problem is categorically not the loft space/how you feel about it/whether he puts things in there or leaves them outside.
The problem is him not speaking to you all over Christmas, shouting at you and throwing things in front of your children (or even not in front of your children).
You really need to focus on those things. That’s no way to live.

Is there a reason why he won’t leave things where you asked?
Quite frankly if someone offered to do all that you do I would be delighted and would be of the attitude, crack on.The only reason I can think which would annoy me is if you left things waiting to go in the loft a long time. However even that would not make me turn into a nasty bastard who ignited my oh for days on end and was nasty to my own children.

OP you sound completely rational however he doesn’t care. He has shut down and opted out of the relationship at this point. If a woman catches his eye he will leave.

Any relationship that involves someone not speaking to their partner for 6 days over anything, let alone trivial stuff in the loft shit, needs to end.

Not speaking to someone for a week is abusive.

Leave, you don't love him. Say whatever you have to say for now and sort out where your going and how you're getting there.

You need to get a grip (the loft nagging shouldn’t be happening) but he needs to grow up and stop being a baby.

@Penguinsaregreat Penguinsaregreat · Today 22:01
Is there a reason why he won’t leave things where you asked?
Quite frankly if someone offered to do all that you do I would be delighted and would be of the attitude, crack on.The only reason I can think which would annoy me is if you left things waiting to go in the loft a long time. However even that would not make me turn into a nasty bastard who ignited my oh for days on end and was nasty to my own children.

It might stay by the loft door for a week but he goes into that room less than once a week so for all he knows it’s put away immediately. I know it’s not about the loft but I just don’t understand how me asking him to leave stuff by the loft door means he doesn’t talk to me for days, especially at this time of year (we’ve had house guests, meals with family, Christmas Day). I can’t work out why I’ve deserved this reaction. I want to believe he’s right because he’s never going to say sorry and I just want it to be okay. Also, if I believe he’s wrong then my judgement must be poor because I’ve chosen to be with him. But if my judgement is poor then maybe he’s right? It’s driving me a little crazy.

This is not about the loft space.

he is deliberately provoking you - there’s no way that it’s easier for him to fling things into the loft than to leave them next to the loft hatch

he’s creating a situation to make you ‘unreasonable’ so that he can use this as an excuse to abuse and punish you.

it is calculated manipulation from an abusive man

do you want abuse to become your children’s’ normal ?

Your poor kids.

Really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds horrible. To be honest I felt compelled to comment because it is reminding me a lot of my parents marriage, although it was my mum who was very volatile and would shout and throw things. She could be very emotionally manipulative and fall out with my dad about something and not speak to him for days on end. As a child growing up in that environment it was hideous, maybe they thought we didn’t realise what was going on but we were aware from a young age, and it did sometimes turn physically violent (eg my mum throwing a lamp at my dad etc). Its taken me years to get over it and I’m still a very jumpy person. We all walked on egg shells around her. I would often get the silent treatment over minor things too.

I don’t think what you’ve asked for re: the loft was unreasonable at all. Even if it was somehow unreasonable, his reaction and his behaviour are totally disproportionate and abusive.

I know leaving isn’t easy, for all sorts of reasons, but I do think you and your children deserve so much better than this. It is important that your children don’t think this is a normal way to live either.

This reminds me of the end of my marriage. It's not really about the loft. He basically doesn't care about what you think or what is important to you. He isn't interested and telling you to chill out is just a way of shifting blame onto you. I note he isn't willing to compromise, talk about it or apologise. This is all so familiar and so, so damaging to you. When you are in the middle of it, it becomes the normal and you stop noticing. He has no respect for you.
Have some for yourself and put an end to it. It will be difficult and painful but you will come out the other side happier and lighter and able to relax in your own home.

My teen daughter said to me "Mum you are so much more chill now Dad isn't here anymore" and she was absolutely right. Rip off the plaster and start a new happier life. Realise that you deserve better.

He is treating you with contempt and silent treatment. It's really the end of things when that's the tactic he uses. It's not about the lift. If you have attended counselling what did you learn there?

*loft

@RandomPerson42 RandomPerson42 · Today 22:10
You need to get a grip (the loft nagging shouldn’t be happening) but he needs to grow up and stop being a baby.

Yes, he would consider it nagging. I can’t quite bring myself to feel that asking for a small act of cooperation on a job that benefits the whole family is nagging. He works full time, I study full time and do childcare (I study during the school day and after kid’s bedtime), we both contribute financially with me contributing the most so it’s not like I’m a stay at home parent with days free to organise the loft while my partner supports me financially.

What do you want people to say?

I think you sound weird about the loft space. But a normal, rational man's response to that - if he also thinks it's weird - would be to shrug, say ah she's just weird about that, nothing to be done about it, and do what you ask. All the stuff he's doing instead is horrible.

Why do you think you "deserved" this reaction, just because it's the reaction he gave you? Do you not think it's possible he is being unreasonable? I'm deliberately being disingenuous even asking that because it's clear you just want everything to be okay and go back to normal. Unfortunately the only way for that to happen is for you to shut up and apologise and keep your mouth shut about anything else at any time that might displease him.

I've been really trying to see the good things he does, be affectionate and adapt to his preferences. So this is what couples' therapy has taught you to do? What is he doing in turn to help your relationship?