your perspective on argument with dh please

[Franklyfrost]

My partner has not been talking to me for nearly a week now. I'd like advice on what to do when the talking does start. We'd been having some difficulties and went to couple's therapy. I've been really trying to see the good things he does, be affectionate and adapt to his preferences. We've not been fighting since maybe October, whereas perviously we were constantly fighting which I found very stressful.

The thing that triggered the not talking was that he did something I'd asked him not to do... this is going to be stupidly long and a bit boring my apologies.

We have a loft space which you can crawl into. I have asked my partner on four or five occasions not to open the door to the loft and dump stuff in there. Instead I'd like him to leave the stuff outside the door where there is plenty of space and its in no ones way in a room he never goes into. I can then put it in right place the loft. His point of view is that it's not a big deal and I need to chill out. Which sounds fair enough BUT

1. because the loft is long and narrow so I can't access the loft when he dumps stuff in the crawl space. I go in there once or twice a week to fetch or return something.
2. he never goes in the loft, I have it all organised and labelled and am really keen to keep the space under control (the stuff in the loft is camping stuff, kids clothes and shoes, seasonal clothing and paperwork relating to the house: it's not MY stuff that I'm organising although I have bought it all as he doesn't contribute to these things)
3. the loft at our old house was a dumping ground, really stressful to find anything, my partner never went in there and when we moved house I did all the packing and moving, including the loft, which was full floor to ceiling full of miscellaneous chaos and never again will I have a loft of doom.

I feel like, given that I do all the maintenance and purchasing of the loft stuff, as well as having paid to have the have the loft turned into a storage space, he can help out by leaving things outside the door rather than opening the door and flinging them in. I've explained my fear of the loft becoming disorganised (it is a long tunnel type space) and asked him 4-5 times to not fling things in. He did it again 6 days ago and won't talk about it, I asked what the problem was with my request and if we could solve it together, he replied that the solution was for me to chill out. He always sees me as the problem and seems to have no concept of being in the wrong or compromise and he is very sensitive to feeling controlled or complained about. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him (although in practice I can't really leave). He's not spoken to me for 6 days, ignores me when I speak to him, will answer a direct question (rudely) if I repeat it several times. He did break his silence to shout at me in front of my parents over Christmas which was humiliating. He also threw some things around on Christmas day in front of the kids which was scary. At some point we'll have to talk. Was I asking too much? Is he in the right? I feel like his behaviour is wrong, especially over Christmas but maybe I deserve it for some unspecified reason. I really don't know what to do or say when he is ready to talk. Any advice? I feel numb, I feel like I want to make up and say it's all okay but I don't want to forgive him and he won't ever try to make amends as he things I'm in the wrong. Help me! No ltb thanks, it is not going to happen. The question is how to navigate or survive the bastard.

i genuinely can’t see why you’re with him, he does not respect you nor care about you. I can tell that your very presence pisses him off, he cannot stand you. He is acting like he despises you.

sorry but every man I’ve ever dated has valued my opinions and treats me respectfully ie listening to what I say and having a conversation about things. I have never been shouted at or had things thrown at me, that behaviour is ridiculous

your kids having to witness that too is awful.

What about him shouting at her and throwing things ?

OP, your post is like someone saying they cut their arm off, but don’t want to go to hospital. Can anyone advise how you can ‘manage’ or ‘navigate’ it with the bandaids you have at home.

You are obviously a smart, intelligent, organised woman. This relationship is toxic. You have tried every way you know to manage/navigate your husband, and it still isn’t working. Now you are reaching out to strangers online, you might have even mentioned it to a friend or family member or two, just asking for tips. You have also reached four to professionals and are having counseling to solve this.

I know you don’t want to see this, but what all this should tell you is that this situation can’t be managed/navigated. There is nothing more you can do. YOU cannot make it better. So you live with it as it is (and it’s probably escalating) or you leave.

I know you said leaving isn’t an option right now. That’s ok. Maybe it could be an option in 3 months. Or maybe 6 months. What would you need to do between now and then to make it happen? What is one thing you could do today to make it easier?

I’m not saying you will do or or need to do it, I’m just saying, what is one thing you could do that would help when/if the time came?

I don’t know your circumstances to say what you should do, but I will suggest withdrawing £10 or £20 pounds in cash every pay or fortnight and keeping it safe somewhere. Some people like to get together birth certificates and passports, others like to make sure the car is full of petrol and there is a suitcase of clothes in it. Yours might be more around seeing how you can free yourself up from caring commitments. Or it may be small, like taking a treasured jug/item and leaving it for safekeeping at your parents, so you know it won’t be smashed in anger. Even that is a powerful statement that you are starting to protect yourself.

Goodluck OP. I hope you can see that you can’t keep asking people for help to fix the unfixable. You need to see that yourself.

He is doing it to control you. It has nothing to do with the loft. He wants to show you that he is the one with the power and control. Pay attention to what he is showing you and leave. This is a textbook abusive behaviour pattern.

"I've been really trying to see the good things he does, be affectionate and adapt to his preferences."

This is what your marriage counselor has told you to do? And exactly what is your DH supposed to be doing as his part in this counseling? If he isn't being told to 'see the good things you do, be affectionate to you, and adapt to your preferences', then you need a new counselor.

Actually, strike that. You need a new DH after leaving this one and spending a few years on your own.

I know you think you can't leave 'right now'. But there are ways and ways. And the first two ways are contacting Women's Aid and asking for help and getting into counseling by yourself to help you learn to cope with your stressful life and to give you a place of privacy to vent.

Why are ignoring the comments about him abusive?
He's stonewalling you and being abusive. Why do you want your kids to grow up with this?
It's not just about you and your feelings

This is horrible. What the hell.
I'm sorry op you get your children away from this dysfunctional abusive man.
You put your big girl pants and do whatever it takes to make your situation work and to give your kids a happy childhood.
The excuses you have given for staying with him are all about you and how hard it will be .... it might be harder for you but you owe your children to pull your socks up and show them

Op all of your old threads are really depressing

I know some people change details on here as to not out themselves but the general theme of alll your old threads is the same as this one

he does things like this allllll the time. you know you’re not irrational or nagging or controlling. But you are being unreasonable by not leaving - this is what staying in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of it is like

Agree.

Ask yourself why you are with this waste of space.

Aw OP I'm so sorry to read all these. It sounds like the balance is tipped so that staying is more damaging for the children than going. I know there's a constant weighing up between keeping the family together despite the occasional row and shouting Vs leaving if the occasional becomes too often. This additional physical threat to your DC has to be the limit though. Does he put on a good parent show when he wants to? Would he do that when he had them to try and be good with them? Or would he be less interested? Either way you'd have them the majority of the time which would be so much better than constantly living on pins with this threat hanging over you all.
Really feel for you atm x

I cannot imagine what your children are going through. For once I really hope this is a complete work of fiction.

OP in the nicest way you are not being a good parent by staying in this relationship. What you are doing is modelling that being treated like this is normal and acceptable for your children.

Your children deserve to live in a safe place where they have a calm environment without some Neanderthal stomping about sulking, ignoring their mother and making Christmas Day a fucking misery.

How old are your children? As they grow up and reach adulthood you might find that they come around less and less. Or distance themselves from you altogether due to this relationship.

You are prioritising the wrong thing here. You should be prioritising your children. Not your “partner” and not the loft. You spoke about the upheaval it would cause you to leave. But that is not more important than your children’s well-being.

@JustAnotherManicNameChange you're so right! My DH went to anger management counselling once - 1 session - and supposedly the counsellor told him he's a very sexual being and I need to put out more!! So yes counselling is not necessarily helpful... (if that even happened although I think it did from the way he said it)

The only reasonable advice I can find is ltb asap

Don’t be in the same position next year

This sounds like a post I read where the husband blew up at the wife in front of the kids and her parents then went off to the pub on Christmas....🤔

OP, everyone here is supporting you to make a move. You and your partner are not speaking for almost a week about putting a box away. That is ludicrous! Ot seems your relationship is quite broken. That's a sad thing. S

Some relationship run their course and end badly. The problem others are pointing out to you is that your kids are not blind. They are shaped and influenced by their parent's relationship. Surely you get that?
Why do you think you would have to move? Why can't he move out? There are always solutions. Trying to

You sound weirdly controlling and territorial about rhe loft.j guess it stresses you out having stuff chucked in there, but you don't seem to understand it stresses him out having clutter our in view.Neither of you is more right than the other.
Telling him you do not want to ge in a relationship with him is a huge bombshell to drip at Christmas and I can see why he is upset

I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him (although in practice I can't really leave).

I don't think this is about the lift argument. You said you don't want to be in a relationship with him. His horrible behaviour over Christmas (not that it's excusable) is because he feels you are ending the relationship and he's hurting about that. However you don't actually want to end the relationship because practically and financially you depend on him. So looking at the bigger picture, let the loft nonsense go, and tell him you do want to be in a relationship with him. Or start sorting things out so you live independently and can have everything ordered as you wish.

Are you seriously making excuses for a man who abused his wife in front of his children?
wtf?

you think 6 days of silent treatment followed by shouting and throwing things is an appropriate response to her asking him not to fling property that he doesn’t contribute to around?

The loft is the least of the issues. He has frightened you and the kids/shouted at you in front of your parents.

You need to make plans to leave

You are obsessed about the loft because it's 'your' thing, the thing you control. He doesn't care about the loft because the maintenance of it doesn't impact him.

Get him in the loft, keeping it in order and he might see why you are so keen to keep it tidy.

The shoving paper in drawers is bonkers, he is weird.

LTB - you will be so much freer to run your life how you want.

The loft space is irrelevant - if it’s just about this I would say you’re both being unreasonable, you’re being a little controlling and he’s not listening to polite requests.

But his reaction is narcissistic, controlling and dangerous regardless of the argument. You should undoubtably find a way of leaving this relationship, for both the physical and mental safety of yourself and your children.

Your decisions are NOT those of a good mother.

Your poor children. Having to live with this man and his abuse.

Get them out of this toxic situation.

Seriously, you are absolutely missing the woods for the trees here OP. The loft is not the issue here. At all.

Having read the rest of the thread, I have to agree. You need to seriously step up here for the sake of your children. Protect them and give them a loving and stable home away from this arsehole. You owe it to them as their mother to do this. Everything else can give. They have to come first.