I did something completely idiotic on Christmas and I feel horrible

[Alracalpaca]

I have posted here before and gotten some really wise insight, feedback and objective opinions from many of you, so I am turning here again. I have been married for 7 years to a man I love with all my heart. We moved to a different country a few years ago and since them we have built a small but close expat friendship group. One of my closest friends (we will call her Linda) and I have bonded due to our very similar personalities and also supporting each other through periods of depression and other mental health issues. About 2 and a half years ago I started noticing that my husband expressed an interest in Sam's comings and goings and whether she would be joining group gatherings etc. Way more than he ever has for any other friend. Offering to go pick her up or drop her off when she visited etc. Just nice small gestures, but things he wouldn't usually do. I also saw a shift in body language when he was around her. He looked at her... the way he used to look at me. Sam is beautiful, interesting, talented and does cool stuff like play video games and play drums. Obviously she's like a walking male fantasy. So that hurt, but I know attraction is a normal thing and it happens. So when my husband again kept asking about her I confronted him about it. He weakly denied it. Then I told him to please stop lying to me and that I understand attraction is normal but that if you don't indulge it, it should pass. So he then stopped denying it. He never expressly admitted it. But anyway. Another friend of ours (who I did not discuss this with) told Sam that she had a dream that Sam slept with my husband and that she was so upset about it because it hurt me. Now, it could be nothing, but knowing this friend, she communicates in very indirect ways and I think she picked up on something and was warning Sam indirectly. I made a point of spending time with Sam mostly alone. Sometimes we would spend time in a group but I assumed he was focusing on his marriage and letting this little crush pass. Then Christmas rolled around. All our friends were coming to ours for lunch. She had been travelling the days prior, so when I mentioned she was coming he said "Sam's coming?" and his eyes lit up. I felt a pang. My stomach dropped a bit. But I let it go. On the day he was snapping at me for every small irritation. Sam would go stand outside and smoke and he would be right behind her following her outside. When he noticed that I was sad and withdrawing he finally started to be affectionate after snapping the whole day. But the damage was kind of done. I had been drinking excessively and was not thinking straight. Sam also noticed I was not okay. My husband and I were cleaning up and I was planning on going to bed because I knew I was drunk and upset and I didn't want to fight when I was in that state. I accidentally picked up his phone instead of mine (we have the same phone models and standard black cases) and I saw there was a text from her. I couldn't see what it said. I gave him his phone and walked away. I went to lie in bed and I was crying uncontrollably. She then texted me and asked me "how do you feel" and I said "about what?" she then said "just checking in" and I responded "meh." She said she knew something was up and could I please tell her. After a bit of back and forth I STUPIDLY I KNOW I KNOW told her the whole story. Immediately she said she wants to die and she never intended for anything to be misinterpreted etc etc and that she needs to remember she's not back home in her home country and she can't behave the same way here. And that I'm her closest friend and she doesn't want to lose that. She kind of made it 100% about her which was a bit jarring but I totally understand she was caught off guard. She then sent me screenshots of the text she sent. It was a thank you for hosting with a heart emoji. He responded "always a pleasure" with a little blush smile emoji. The text above it was a thank you for a happy birthday text he sent her. With two heart emojis. But that is how she texts with other people too so I don't think she meant anything by that. Anyway the next morning I wake up to a very long text from her where she said that she opened up to me and trusted me and felt welcome in my home. And why did I not tell her this earlier, why did I wait until she was feeling most vulnerable to tell her this. And that she can't see us getting past this. I was really taken aback because she's acting like I maliciously plotted to hurt her and accused her of hitting on my husband when I expressly and repeatedly said I am not angry with her and I don't think she did anything wrong. I know I put her in a horrible position by telling her. I know that. And I apologized profusely for that and I know that was wrong and selfish and horrible of me. But I didn't do it maliciously. I was hurt and vulnerable and drunk and I stupidly cracked. I confronted my husband and he told me that he doesn't want to be with her. And that he is sorry for how he behaved. I told him he needs to decide whether he wants to explore other options, in which case he needs to leave, or whether he's going to focus on his marriage. He chose the latter. He keeps saying he never had a crush on her and he doesn't know how to convince me of that. I don't know what to believe. But regardless, now my friendship is ruined and I am an idiot. I just really didn't realize how hurt and angry she would be by me being honest. Anyway... how would you approach this situation going forward?

What a weird way to twist something. Not exhausting at all. Very easy!

Lol at the thinking I'm too sexually irresistible bit. Girl, I wish! I'd own it if it was halfway true. I'm actually sick and I'm very exhausted!! That last bit you got right.

Jokes aside, I actually think it's wrong for a man to share stories about his marriage to a friend of the opposite sex. Share it with your bros. Same with women, share it with your girls!

Although in this case that would be a bad move for the OP.

“She ASKED OP what was up, so you can't go blaming OP for getting the timing wrong - she was pushed for a response while already upset & tipsy.”
I wasn’t blaming OP, but ultimately the timing was down to her. This issue had been going on for some time and she could have spoken to her friend about it sooner, but was clearly unable to address it sober. And she was engaged in a text conversation with Sam - it wasn’t like she was egged into blurting it out over the phone, she had time to think about and compose a response.

“No secret texting?! Only because OP didn't dig very far into her H's phone. Not that I think she should: she also doesn't need to as it's obvious - immediately after the confrontation OP & H had - She didn't just intuit all that. OP's H told her all about it. Via text. Because that's what these two do.”
You’re making some pretty big assumptions here. There has been zero evidence that this is “what these two do”. The underlying issue here is clearly OP’s lack of confidence in herself and her relationship, and whilst that may very well have to do with her husband being a bit neglectful, it doesn’t prove that anything more sinister was going on. And you say Sam couldn’t have possibly intuited that something was wrong by her friend drinking to excess, seeing the husband snap at her and then OP in turn giving her husband the cold shoulder when it was “too late by that point”? Her friend would have to be blind to not notice that there was a bad atmosphere between them, and it’s not a crime to check in on your friend when they’re acting weird.

Last comment was aimed @KettrickenSmiled . Didn’t tag for some reason.

Can't possibly read a post that long without paragraphs

How often do normal women actually get themselves into a situation like this.

People blowing up on them because they've been accused of flirting or becoming problematic in someone's marriage, even two marriages.

She's either a bit dim or an attention seeking drama queen.

We all know women like this and they are usually are the ones who are still single into later age.

Quelle surprise.

You’re not wrong. I have a male friend whose confessed he only ever feels attracted to married women and simply can’t explain why. Which was concerning for me as I am a married woman… who is also his friend… Can you see where this is going? I have to become very busy on and off each time I feel the lightbulb going off in his head. Usually when his “relationships” fall apart because they’ve decided to go back to try to repair their marriage that is in shambles. Lucky for me he seems to have lost interest in me now that I’ve got kids. He’s a mess. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t give single women the time of day. He’s got a very charming personality so it’s not like there aren’t women who wouldn’t want to date him. He is just a glutton for punishment I suppose. It’s painful to watch for everyone involved really.

she has only sent you the text that she wants you to see. ask him to show you his.

Unfortunately women 'get themselves' into these situations when men fail to control themselves and fail to show loyalty to their wives.
Attractive women will always be desirable to men, including married ones. They don't have to do anything to attract them, just being there looking 'beautiful' to use OPs description, is enough to kick start a crush.
There's a lot of denial around this, with people preferring to believe the woman has caused the man to stray by her actions, but in reality, its often simply that she's desirable.
After that, the trajectory is completely down to the married man. Those who value their wives rein in their feelings and police their own behaviour. Those that don't are the problem.
I'm not saying this Sam has behaved perfectly, talking about the dream was childish and tactless. But beyond that, why should a woman stifle an outgoing, warm personality and be constantly on her guard just because even 'safe' men like her friends husbands can't be trusted?
And yes, it's more common for women in these situations to be single. But that's because men think they have more chance with single women than those whose husbands might object.

OP your DH is an absolute git. Do not allow yourself to feel insecure. He's not behaving like this because there's anything wrong with you. He's doing it because it's an ego boost- and simply because he can. I couldn't look at him the same any more if I were you.
And regardless of how much Sam has colluded in this the friendship is over. Her great rambling text seems very odd to me.

You're not at fault op. Both your h and Sam are making you feel bad. Don't fall for it. Xx

This right here. It wouldn’t matter how “beautiful, talented or cool” OP is. If he odd capable of this behaviour he would have gone after anyone. The marriage shouldn’t be held together with that kind of crap anyways. He should love OP for who she is and want to be with her. She shouldn’t have to put on a performance to keep his interest. All she should have to do is simply be herself. That’s all.

At the very least, Sam is being disingenuous. At worst, she is full on shit stirring, enjoying getting you to doubt your own mind, and trying to cash in on your H's blatant attraction to her. All the while claiming to be an innocent victim who hasn't been stirring up trouble at all...

Perhaps she has a need to establish herself as top woman, the one everyone's husbands wish they could have...
She seems to like playing games, toying with people's feelings.

She tells you about Pamela's dream that she, Sam, was up to no good with your husband.

She also tells you that Pamela thinks that she, Sam, is inappropriate with her, Pamela's, husband.

She tells you Pamela is insecure for thinking this. So if you, like Pamela, also think there's inappropriate behaviour going on, then that must be because you are insecure. So she is setting you up to doubt your own thoughts and feelings, because otherwise you'd be as bad insecure as Pamela.

And that has worked nicely, because you are now doubting yourself, blaming yourself, feeling insecure, feeling ashamed of feeling insecure...

Why do you think she told you about Pamela's dream?

Did she tell your H about it? Or do you think she wanted you to tell your H? Then he'd have an image in his head...

Does he actually know about Pamela's dream? Did you tell him? Did she?

Have you actually asked Pamela about this dream, if it's actually true that she had it?

Why would a genuine good friend tell you about that dream? What possible decent reason could there be?

This woman is no friend of yours op and neither is your husband.

We all know women like this 'Oh I'm sorry I didn't realise I was coming on to your husband "

Rubbish, women arn't stupid, wives are not stupid and men also arn't stupid. Being stupid would be now not recognising what characters failures your h has, he will be capable of this in the future, I have no doubt.

Of course there are many men who love the old attractive bessie friend throwing them some ego bits, a bit of triangulation to alter the power dynamics in the relationship, how lovely for him.

Op you have just been handed some information about your friend and your husband, neither are pleasant people and you would be wise to get shut of both of them.

And then go and sleep with one of his single best friends.😊

I thought the same.

I wouldn't trust either of them.

Be cautious. If possible leave him, he's a snake. Alarm bells.

@FantasticButtocks good post

She's playing everyone off against themselves.

Horrid woman.

Thank you for saying this, it made me tear up because it touched a deep painful chord in me.

I told my husband about the dream when I spoke to him the day after Christmas, as a point to illustrate that other people had also noticed. I haven’t spoken to Pamela because I don’t want to involve anyone else and she’s a bit of a blabbermouth sometimes so I don’t want to complicate everything even more.

I think it's innocent (almost flirting), but unnecessary and they're both dicks. I don't blame you at all for your reaction, it's understandable

Well whether or not you choose to fight for the marriage or leave I do hope it helps you heal and find self acceptance. I’m sorry you have to be going through this. I will also share with you what my therapist said to me when I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend.

“If you are ever in a situation where you aren’t sure what is right or wrong, reimagine the situation with another person you deeply care about with their partner. A sister, niece or friend (not that friend though). Ask yourself what you would want for them? What advice would you give them? That is your answer.”

I hope this helped. That advice has gotten me through numerous terrible relationship situations I would have tolerated for far too long otherwise.

There’s a big red flag waving here.

OP, before Pamela stirred the pot by bringing her own insecurity around Sam to the table in the form of her 'dream', did you have any cause to feel uncomfortable about Sam's behaviour around your H? You suspected him of a crush, but was she inappropriate? People on here are making a lot of assumptions that she must have been, but some of us know women don't have to be for men to fancy us. You were there. Does she treat him differently?
I don't think Sam's behaviour on Christmas night was that strange. You disappeared while drunk. Its natural for a friend to message 'Are you OK?' in that circumstance.
When you told her, she was upset, which people are interpreting as guilt and manipulation. But really, if she's as attractive as you say, this is likely to be the latest in a long line of occasions when inappropriate men have developed a crush in her, and not the first time she's been accused or blamed. These responses show how quick some women are to scapegoat other women to exonerate men, and its very harsh to be handed the blame for men's failings.
Now, I obviously don't know if this is true. But neither do the posters whose version has Sam as the scarlet woman. You know them both OP, and you need to trust your instincts and not be swayed by a narrative arising from other people's fear of beautiful women as their rivals.
A good best friend is worth a lot more than a disloyal husband. So reflect on their past behaviour and your own feelings about it before you decide how to proceed.

This is difficult for me to answer because I really don’t know. I should probably preface this by saying that I have Aspergers, so I am very very bad at picking up on these things in general. I was engaged to a man who had a very blatant affair with a coworker right in front of me and I was too oblivious to notice for a really long time. I almost married him (thank god a friend saw them out together canoodling and told me). I can pick up on changes in my husband because I have made a huge effort to get to know all his different “tells” for his emotions because I’m his wife and I want to care for him and love him in the best way. With other people it’s harder. If I think back I can tell she does a few superficial things differently. Like when she’s just hanging out with me she’s in joggers and when she comes over and he’s here she’s in mini skirts. I wish I had better perception in these situations.

Brilliant breakdown and the OP did tell her husband who doubtless has the word picture in his head......