I did something completely idiotic on Christmas and I feel horrible

[Alracalpaca]

I have posted here before and gotten some really wise insight, feedback and objective opinions from many of you, so I am turning here again. I have been married for 7 years to a man I love with all my heart. We moved to a different country a few years ago and since them we have built a small but close expat friendship group. One of my closest friends (we will call her Linda) and I have bonded due to our very similar personalities and also supporting each other through periods of depression and other mental health issues. About 2 and a half years ago I started noticing that my husband expressed an interest in Sam's comings and goings and whether she would be joining group gatherings etc. Way more than he ever has for any other friend. Offering to go pick her up or drop her off when she visited etc. Just nice small gestures, but things he wouldn't usually do. I also saw a shift in body language when he was around her. He looked at her... the way he used to look at me. Sam is beautiful, interesting, talented and does cool stuff like play video games and play drums. Obviously she's like a walking male fantasy. So that hurt, but I know attraction is a normal thing and it happens. So when my husband again kept asking about her I confronted him about it. He weakly denied it. Then I told him to please stop lying to me and that I understand attraction is normal but that if you don't indulge it, it should pass. So he then stopped denying it. He never expressly admitted it. But anyway. Another friend of ours (who I did not discuss this with) told Sam that she had a dream that Sam slept with my husband and that she was so upset about it because it hurt me. Now, it could be nothing, but knowing this friend, she communicates in very indirect ways and I think she picked up on something and was warning Sam indirectly. I made a point of spending time with Sam mostly alone. Sometimes we would spend time in a group but I assumed he was focusing on his marriage and letting this little crush pass. Then Christmas rolled around. All our friends were coming to ours for lunch. She had been travelling the days prior, so when I mentioned she was coming he said "Sam's coming?" and his eyes lit up. I felt a pang. My stomach dropped a bit. But I let it go. On the day he was snapping at me for every small irritation. Sam would go stand outside and smoke and he would be right behind her following her outside. When he noticed that I was sad and withdrawing he finally started to be affectionate after snapping the whole day. But the damage was kind of done. I had been drinking excessively and was not thinking straight. Sam also noticed I was not okay. My husband and I were cleaning up and I was planning on going to bed because I knew I was drunk and upset and I didn't want to fight when I was in that state. I accidentally picked up his phone instead of mine (we have the same phone models and standard black cases) and I saw there was a text from her. I couldn't see what it said. I gave him his phone and walked away. I went to lie in bed and I was crying uncontrollably. She then texted me and asked me "how do you feel" and I said "about what?" she then said "just checking in" and I responded "meh." She said she knew something was up and could I please tell her. After a bit of back and forth I STUPIDLY I KNOW I KNOW told her the whole story. Immediately she said she wants to die and she never intended for anything to be misinterpreted etc etc and that she needs to remember she's not back home in her home country and she can't behave the same way here. And that I'm her closest friend and she doesn't want to lose that. She kind of made it 100% about her which was a bit jarring but I totally understand she was caught off guard. She then sent me screenshots of the text she sent. It was a thank you for hosting with a heart emoji. He responded "always a pleasure" with a little blush smile emoji. The text above it was a thank you for a happy birthday text he sent her. With two heart emojis. But that is how she texts with other people too so I don't think she meant anything by that. Anyway the next morning I wake up to a very long text from her where she said that she opened up to me and trusted me and felt welcome in my home. And why did I not tell her this earlier, why did I wait until she was feeling most vulnerable to tell her this. And that she can't see us getting past this. I was really taken aback because she's acting like I maliciously plotted to hurt her and accused her of hitting on my husband when I expressly and repeatedly said I am not angry with her and I don't think she did anything wrong. I know I put her in a horrible position by telling her. I know that. And I apologized profusely for that and I know that was wrong and selfish and horrible of me. But I didn't do it maliciously. I was hurt and vulnerable and drunk and I stupidly cracked. I confronted my husband and he told me that he doesn't want to be with her. And that he is sorry for how he behaved. I told him he needs to decide whether he wants to explore other options, in which case he needs to leave, or whether he's going to focus on his marriage. He chose the latter. He keeps saying he never had a crush on her and he doesn't know how to convince me of that. I don't know what to believe. But regardless, now my friendship is ruined and I am an idiot. I just really didn't realize how hurt and angry she would be by me being honest. Anyway... how would you approach this situation going forward?

Maybe nothing has ever "happened" between Linda and your DH but I don't think your instinct was totally misplaced; there was a little flirting going on there and Linda knows that perfectly well. She has pretty much admitted as much with "she wants to die and she never intended for anything to be misinterpreted etc etc and that she needs to remember she's not back home in her home country and she can't behave the same way here". What a load of cobblers. She KNOWS it was going on. So does DH, "sorry for how he behaved".

You've done nothing wrong and have no need to be embarrassed. Any embarrassment is hers and DH's. They put YOU in this position; not the other way round.

Just leave DH crawling over hot coals . As for Linda, you've not lost a "friend"there because friends don't behave like that.
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I have to agree with this. The baseline with books like Not Just Friends is that you both have to work to protect your relationship and that involves closing windows into your relationship to other people. Sam is trying to prise that window open. Many people have temptation in their marriages. I have a man who I had a relationship who would meet me in an instant if I gave him the nod but I don't. I have closed the window on that relationship. You need to actively work on these things.

Oh and your H was helping her!

I have been there - almost the same situation - I know the feeling of seeing your husband looking at another wiman the way he used to look at me - and being snapped at as though I am some kind of incovinience - she was also pretending to be my best friend…but we were not as close

To cut a long story short, he always denied any attraction and she always played dumb - truth is they were having an affair - everybody knew but me

He chose her and sent me back to my country like a parcel that had been delivered to the wrong address - they got married and had kids but I have evidence he cheated on her (at least on the beggining)

It is a shame she acted so selfish but I guess if you want to work on your marriage she better be out of the picture anyway

Would you be able to trust your husband again?

I have been the woman I’m Sam’s shoes and had someone’s husband try to flirt with me! However, I ignored it.
I agree that it is not fair for the woman to be blamed for the man’s behavior however, in this case Sam has sent op’s husband a text message to thank him… but had already sent the op the same text. No need for Sam to send the same message twice, one to the wife and one to the husband, especially not with heart emojis on the end.
Sam has also told op that this other friend has had a dream about her and op’s husband sleeping together. There was absolutely no need for Sam to tell the op about the other friend’s dream. Therefore I don’t think Sam is as innocent as some people think she could be and this is why people are blaming her!

If sam had not been sending a text to op’s husband which contained heart emojis when there really was no need to as she has the op’s number and also sent a thank you text to the op, along Sam telling the op someone had a dream about her sleeping with her husband, along with the fact that the person who had the dream also seems to think she is flirting with her husband too, then yes, I would agree that it’s not fair to blame the woman.

SAM IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Just to make sure the message is loud and clear here. At the very least, she is flirting with your husband and gaslighting you by pretending she has no idea what she’s done. I promise you that she knows. Even the text message with the heart emoji is completely out of order. No actual friend would send a message like that to their friend’s husband. She wants you to feel insecure. Why else would she tell you the story about her “friends” dream. Sorry, but she’s an actual bitch and you need to drop her. It’s either that she loves the attention or she and your DH have crossed a line together. I’m sorry.

I don't think the op's husband has necessarily tried to flirt. The op just know what her husband looks like when he's attracted to someone and she has noticed and insisted he admit it. That was possibly not the most useful thing to do. That blushing smile emoji is just a smile to many people.

I think your husband had his head turned by Sam. She knew and lapped it up. She’s now gaslighting you and he’s thinking “Oh shit. I’ve been a prat.”

Sam is no friend and keep a very close eye on your husband.

Sam sounds like an insufferable cool girl who likes to know all the men are after her. The telling you about Pam's dream and that, shock horror, 'insecure' Pam also think she flirts with her husband, plus the faux 'hurt' and positioning you as the bad guy when you called her out on it all says it all. Your DH is one of the fools falling for this crap and being hugely disrespectful to you in the process. I bet she lets him know how upset she is that you've 'hurt' her, so he can white knight and take her side against you too.

This! You’ve done nothing wrong OP.

She sent the same message to both of them as the says in her first post that she is friends with both of them.

I don’t think you’re overreacting.

Your friend and your husband are the problem. You have nothing to apologise for.
She should not be sending him messages while in his company. She reacted the way she did because she has been flirting with him amd she has been caught out and is now trying to play victim.

Your husband clearly has a crush on her.
Sounds like you have had a conversation with your husband but you can't move forward with this relation unless he tells the truth. He does have a crush on her. He needs to attempt it then had over his phone to you so you can see the messages to and fro. them both. Then if he wants to save his marriage he needs to delete and block her number.

Work from there. Good luck, be strong, you've got this xx

Oh come off it - this woman has sociopathic gameplayer written through her like a stick of Brighton Rock.

You're accusing OP of offloading, but ignoring the whole offloading weirdness of: "Pamela told me she dreamed I'd shagged your husband!"

& her reaction, both her "can't lose your friendship" & flip-flopping to "this is unsalvageable" is ALL about ramping up the drama & ensuring she remains Star of the Shit Show.

Not saying you were wrong to open up to her, but definitely could have been under better circumstances,
She ASKED OP what was up, so you can't go blaming OP for getting the timing wrong - she was pushed for a response while already upset & tipsy.

and I don’t think her reaction necessarily means something was going on -
especially after you clarified that there was no secret texting or anything like that.
No secret texting?! Only because OP didn't dig very far into her H's phone. Not that I think she should: she also doesn't need to as it's obvious - immediately after the confrontation OP & H had -
She then texted me and asked me "how do you feel" and I said "about what?" she then said "just checking in" and I responded "meh." She said she knew something was up and could I please tell her.
She didn't just intuit all that. OP's H told her all about it. Via text. Because that's what these two do.

See how we're all focusing on Sam? It's worked, she's created speculation even by proxy - imagine what turmoil & doubt OP is reeling through.
When really Sam is just a bit-player.

OP should be far more concerned about the fact that her H chose to snap at her all day.That's what I'd be tackling him about, because THAT is between them. Sam is just a distraction.
OP's husband is already acting according to The Script all cheaters/wannabee cheaters use - he's placing OP in the wrong by snapping at her, being irritated by her - over nothing more than the guilt he feels, which he is attempting to mitgate by suddenly deciding his wife is annoying him, therefore SHE is the one at fault, & he 'deserves' to indulge his 'friendship' at her expense.

This is the smokescreen beloved of cheaters who choose to use the Devalue cycle on their wives, so they can conveniently blame them for their underhand/lying/adulterous behaviours. OP - ask him WhyTF he snapped at you all day yesterday. Make it about how he is treating YOU, not about this ridiculous flirtation. Because he's going to do, or not do, whatever he pleases in that area, - you don't need to police it, all you need do is monitor how he acts toward YOU, & decide if it's good enough for you.

WTF!! She actually told you about the dream, and with no shame?? She is enjoying this weird power she has in being ‘v attractive’, OP. Tell her to piss off. Her reaction screams guilt.

and you’re not imagining anything, following around another woman, getting noticeably excited for her arrival and txting blushing faces is yuk. Attraction may be a normal part of the human condition but your dh is flirting. That is under his control and he sounds pathetic. Get marriage counselling.

Yes, got that memo too late, thanks Somnambulist.

But I'm not talking about her behaviour toward OP's H.
I'm talking about her off-the-scale weirdness in her behaviour toward OP.

Deciding to 'share' Pamela's dream. DARVO'ing OP after asking her what was up, & insisting on an answer, late at night when she knew OP wanted to sleep & withdraw. Flip-flopping from telling OP she can't lose the friendship to telling her the friendship's over. All calculated to ramp up the drama, keep all focus on Sam, & fuck whatever OP's feeling - Sam didn't appear to give OP's upset a moment's thought.

Sam's whole reaction to OP was basically this -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

The reaction from Sam appears suspicious at best.

Two friends of hers have both been concerned about flirtations with their husbands. Either this woman is Kate Moss beautiful with an OnlyFans and a Twitch stream where she dresses up as a female anime fantasy sex toy and is absolutely irresistable or she's flirting with these men.

100% this.
They are making you feel like shit. Neither one of them can be trusted or is behaving as a friend to you.

I'd leave to be with somone who cares about you for a few days to think about what's happening.and see what other bullshitvthey come up with.

Why not send a joint message then?
Isn't that what most of us do with our couple-friends?

Oh, OP.
That gut feeling....trust it
I do not know your husband or your 'friend' but getting defensive and the gaslighting you about making HER feel bad speaks absolute fucking volumes. I do not trust either of them.

“…and that she needs to remember she's not back home in her home country and she can't behave the same way here”

^ This quote stuck out to me. What on earth does it mean? Is there some country somewhere where its absolutely fine to flirt with other people’s husbands?

It's a clever way to make the OP feel guilty for being xenophobic/intolerant on top of everything else.

I also found this odd too. As if she’s trying to play daft and shift the blame and somehow try to justify herself by claiming that people in her country somehow think it’s ok to lap up the attention of a married man!

I don't know what she meant by that to be honest. She's from a Middle Eastern country. So it's a pretty conservative culture etc. I really don't know.

you're not an idiot, you were honest about how you felt and that is always okay.