Leaving new Intense relationship

[Grandealmondmylklatte]

Hello, Merry Christmas! my relationship is worrying me, if anyone has any advice to shed some light or similar experiences, I would be so grateful.

my relationship is very new, 5 months. I have been single for about 6 years before this as I have 2 sons (8&12) who I want to focus on, I have done my Masters and have a career. I feel ready for a relationship now and would love to settle down. I'm going to be really honest, I'm going to sound like a bitch. I'm not sure I should stay with, well he's my BF, he's 13 years older than me, no further education, earns very little, is not conventionally good looking and has long history of sexual dysfunction but this has improved a lot, he is just very different to me. He told me he loved me after I think 3 or 4 dates, and I said it to him a few weeks after that, and I should never have said it.

none of that really mattered to me because he prioritised our relationship, made a lot of time for us, was considerate and kind and thoughtful. would drive to me to walk my dog with me during my break, always answered the phone and I felt very comfortable around him and of course I have feelings for him and care about him.

The relationship has always been intense but the last few weeks have been a lot, as BF has been feeling very down due to missing me. My sons do not know about him and I certainly don't feel ready to introduce them so I can only see BF when I am free at weekends or during the week when WFH on a break. BF is finding that more difficult, and now when I call him he sounds very sad and the conversation doesn't flow. we spoke yesterday and I felt so overwhelmed i cried when we hung up. I am really trying to be understanding, and he has said the time of year is making it worse. It feels like a lot of pressure, the be the source of someone happiness and unhappiness when I'm not around. I feel like he doesn't want to help himself to feel better, just puts it on me. He's never really been single, and maybe finds it difficult to me alone, and sometimes I feel as though he is guilt tripping me into feeling bad because my life is quite full. Also, If I have a night without the boys but want to spend it alone (which I enjoy!) he gets very upset by this.

I know this is very long, I'm not sure if it makes sense. I think i might be some sort of trauma bond for him which is why its all such a struggle, and I don't want him to feel sad. I also feel overwhelmed and off, which isn't ideal at 5 months.

Dump him for New Year. Honestly, sounds miserable and not what you want or need.

If you regret saying you loved him back, that tells you everything you need to know. It shouldn't feel like that.

Ditch him- he sounds like a drag to have around.

Read the book Block Delete Move On. One of the best books I've read about relationships and spotting red flags. It will explain all of his behaviour. What he's doing is very common but not ok- it's called
'Love bombing.' Also follow Lalalaletmeexplain (the author of the book) on Instagram. You already know the answer, the book will just give you the confidence you're doing the right thing when he inevitability makes it difficult for you xx

Please liberate yourself from this man, you'll feel so relieved. It shouldn't feel like that. Wishing you all the best.

Hi @Grandealmondmylklatte oh god i totally get you!! It's like i feel guilty doing anything. I would love to be in a relationship where there is freedom, you do your thing i do mine and when we're together we have so much to talk about and we enjoy that time.

I know I should end things, for both our sake, I feel awful that he feels so sad. I feel awful for writing all this down, I genuinely want him to be happy, and I don't think I can provide what he needs.

My life isnt together, I know I have quite low self esteem, I'm a single parent, and my house which I have rented for 8 years is being sold next year so we are potentially moving into the city into an old family flat. so I am so so far from perfect. I just wonder who the hell i think I am, because sometimes I wonder if I can do better than my BF...but other times I think I won't.

I regret telling him I love him because it was too soon, and I'm not in love with him so its manipulative. I felt some pressure, and If I don't say it for a few days he will bring it up, so the pressure has continued somewhat, but I need to take responsibility I know that.

@GigiEm just found the book on Amazon, thank you for recommending !

Run the fuck for the hills. ASAP. Get out, get him out. Whatever.
You're a tasty cosy meal-ticket and he was prepared to declare 'love' to secure you, then make you feel like you had to reciprocate.
No.
You don't.
Protect yourself, protect your children.
Be cold and clear. 'It's over, I'm moving on.'
No reasons. No explanations. No chances for him to 'try'.

It just sounds like he’s more into you than you are to him. If you really wanted the relationship to go anywhere you would want to spend your free evening with him and honestly I get why he’s annoyed. Decision time for you, you either want to try and make it work or end it.

It’s easy to be attentive to someone you are investing in for self serving reasons.

This is what he has been doing - it’s manipulative and called “love - bombing” as PP have said.

But you haven’t been responding to his self serving time scale so he has put the emotional manipulative pressure on you.

There is everything wrong here and you need to rip off the plaster and then batten down the hatches - block and delete and zero contact because he will continue to disrespect your boundaries and personal choices.

He will continue with the self serving Daily Mail Sad Face as he knows you are susceptible to feelings of obligation and he will continue to manipulate.

You owe him nothing. He sounds gross IMHO.

Main Q for you is why you are ignoring your own deep gut feelings for some random?

Who taught you that?

I just wonder who the hell i think I am, because sometimes I wonder if I can do better than my BF...but other times I think I won't.

You would do better on your own without this depressed hopeless draining emotional vampire.

This.

Your emotional smoke alarm is ringing loud and clear. No time or need to bother investigating what it’s all about - just that it’s time to run.

🚩🚩🚩
End it now. The love bombing is a manipulation tactic, you already know you felt pressured to tell him you loved him when you don’t.

OK.

Ik going to be very blunt.

He isn't sad. At least not in the way you understand sadness. He isn't happy that he isn't your priority and this 'sadness' is a way of manipulating you into prioritising him. It's his way of making you feel guilty for prioritising yourself, your children, your career... all the things you should be prioritising over a man you've known for 5 months!

Ypu are a kind person so you feel compassion. He's banking on that because that's his magic key to getting himself into your life. He's trying to control you.

He's an adult. He's responsible for his own happiness. You are not. If he is not happy with his relationship, he can end it or find workable solutions. What he can't do is 'be sad' and expect you to change your life for him.

OP, I've dated men like this. It's not nice, it's not sweet and they do not love you.

It's not about whether you can do better than this man. It's the damage he could do to you and your children's lives by being with him. Worry about future relationships later. This man needs to be gone.

You know yourself aht this is no good for you.

Brilliant post.

When you do end it make sure it is swift and water tight - because these types always come back with the “sadness” manipulation into overdrive. The self serving begging, pleading, promising.

So be efficient. It’s over - block, delete. Never speak to him again. Be careful if he starts to harass or stalk you. Be clear you want no further contact and any will be unwelcome. Know that it’s officially stalking / harassment if he makes contact 2 more times after you have told him not to and you can report him. I suspect you won’t do that but it gives you a clue where normal social / legal boundaries are.

You don’t have to explain anything to him or justify to yourself. You don’t have any feelings for him (except ick / negative ones) - you can just finish it because you are “not compatible”. No drama.

wow…. So much of your post is my exact situation.
exceot he never got sad but just always said he understood my priorities ect but still always our pressure in me with huge decelerations of love.
even the sec is the same.

i ended things with him last week, I was just so unsure of my feelings but the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and not knowing how I felt made me realise I had to do it.

I’ve now realised after a few days of reflcrtion, that our whole relationship was driven by time, his feelings, his wants his love for me. Never about what I wanted or felt. He saturated me with his love and it drowned me.

just give yourself some space from him, a total break for a few weeks to see how you feel. I’m realising more and more, that he bombarded me and tried to be and say whatever I wanted to hear. The fact that he has cut me out of his life because is said the pressure of ‘us’ was too much and I wanted space and not be his girlfriend for a bit shows me exactly who he is. And that he can only be one way in a relationship.

he life similar to your guys was empty and without focus and he was grateful to love me. The in balance was unhealthy.

I hope you figure out how you feel, and feel courage to act on it xx

Absolutely this.

@Ticketyboots is 100% correct.

His "sadness", my arse, more like he's a manipulative man who is ALL about what works for him and he's not happy that despite his love bombing ridiculous declarations of love and pressurising you, you are still not completely available to him.

This is all about him.

You need to look at your boundaries.
You have two children who need a mother that protects herself.

Dump him quickly and firmly.

You have realised you need to prioitise your childen and this no longer works for you at ALL.

Read the book, do the boundary work and move on.

Do not allow him to manipulate again.

The crying after the call was your gut feelings being overwhelmed because you weren't listening to them.

Get rid of him.

The fact you are moving home presents you with a great opportunity to end things with him and make a fresh start, where he is not in the picture. I think now would be the time!

Agree with everyone else. There is no future in this for you. He's clingy, manipulative, controlling and brings fuck all in terms of equality to the table.
He's a nasty man who wants you to be his mummy.
Be sensible now.

I only needed to read the first paragraph......dump him.
You don't owe him anything, you don't like him and he sounds very needy

He sounds extremely needy and will eventually drag you down. I married a man like this and it was a nightmare dealing with his neediness, his jealousy of my DS who was 17 at the time and his total lack of ambition and education.
He was often out of work and in latter years stated sulking if I had my own life and hobbies.
Come on OP you can do better than this and don't need a sack to drag around behind you.

I bet his relationship history is revealing - no doubt a needy, emotionally manipulative, controlling cock-lodger - on repeat.

He targeted you because he sensed your vulnerability and poor boundaries due to lack of self esteem.

Well done for you for all that you have achieved as a single parent - protect that stability from this creep.

Be proud of yourself, fake confidence if you have to - then you won’t be such a target for these types.

Give yourself a fabulous Christmas present by ending this nonsense - you will feel invigorated.

@GreyCarpet is right. Reread that post, OP, and think about why you settled for a man you don’t love or feel attracted to so you don’t do it again.

Can I just say well.done OP for keeping this relationship separate from your family life - that your children are not aware of it. That's great parenting on your part.
And with that in mind, you know you need to RIP off the plaster and get rid of this man.

Good luck!