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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving new Intense relationship

49 replies

Grandealmondmylklatte · 26/12/2022 06:41

Hello, Merry Christmas! my relationship is worrying me, if anyone has any advice to shed some light or similar experiences, I would be so grateful.

my relationship is very new, 5 months. I have been single for about 6 years before this as I have 2 sons (8&12) who I want to focus on, I have done my Masters and have a career. I feel ready for a relationship now and would love to settle down. I'm going to be really honest, I'm going to sound like a bitch. I'm not sure I should stay with, well he's my BF, he's 13 years older than me, no further education, earns very little, is not conventionally good looking and has long history of sexual dysfunction but this has improved a lot, he is just very different to me. He told me he loved me after I think 3 or 4 dates, and I said it to him a few weeks after that, and I should never have said it.

none of that really mattered to me because he prioritised our relationship, made a lot of time for us, was considerate and kind and thoughtful. would drive to me to walk my dog with me during my break, always answered the phone and I felt very comfortable around him and of course I have feelings for him and care about him.

The relationship has always been intense but the last few weeks have been a lot, as BF has been feeling very down due to missing me. My sons do not know about him and I certainly don't feel ready to introduce them so I can only see BF when I am free at weekends or during the week when WFH on a break. BF is finding that more difficult, and now when I call him he sounds very sad and the conversation doesn't flow. we spoke yesterday and I felt so overwhelmed i cried when we hung up. I am really trying to be understanding, and he has said the time of year is making it worse. It feels like a lot of pressure, the be the source of someone happiness and unhappiness when I'm not around. I feel like he doesn't want to help himself to feel better, just puts it on me. He's never really been single, and maybe finds it difficult to me alone, and sometimes I feel as though he is guilt tripping me into feeling bad because my life is quite full. Also, If I have a night without the boys but want to spend it alone (which I enjoy!) he gets very upset by this.

I know this is very long, I'm not sure if it makes sense. I think i might be some sort of trauma bond for him which is why its all such a struggle, and I don't want him to feel sad. I also feel overwhelmed and off, which isn't ideal at 5 months.

OP posts:

DanseAvecLesLoups · 26/12/2022 11:29

Sounds like you are dating a Dementor. Anyone declaring love after a few dates or getting sulky and depressed when you are not around does not have a high emotional intelligence. It is not your responsibility to fix or provide a crutch to his pre existing issues and loading you with this baggage so early on screams alarm bells. I would finish it and start the new year with a fresh slate.

been and done it. · 26/12/2022 11:37

Sounds to me like you need someone more equal to you. He sounds like a sad man looking for the next crutch. He isn't the for you OP bin him.

Bananalanacake · 26/12/2022 11:54

If he's been angling to move in with you that's because he wants to sponge off you.

emilynewman · 26/12/2022 11:56

You should end it, and you have to follow the "no contact rule." Love or any relationship shouldn't feel like that. Maybe it will hurt both of you, but it is just an attachment, not love.

billy1966 · 26/12/2022 12:07

Also, he sounds like his agenda is to find any "nurse with a purse" to secure his retirement needs.

Living in your home, you working and providing him with the comforts he needs.

Don't be a mug.

It really happens.

My friends sister is a widow and met a pleasant enough man, also widowed, through golf 3 years ago.

He has kept his life very very separate to appease his daughters and she accepted it without complaint as she very much enjoys her independence too.

Recently he has been diagnosed with a health condition which will prevent him driving and curtail his life hugely, including his golf.

He expected her to cancel her holiday plans in early January, but she told him THAT was not happening.

She was now been contacted by his daughters (for the first time) who said there must be some confusion as they will really need her help, and planned to schedule her into his care, and particularly to be his driver!

She is no fool and has politely told them that her previously held plans to visit her family in Australia will be going ahead and that his care is a family matter and really NOTHING to do with her.

She cared for him, but hasn't a notion of having these years commandeered by his daughters that she doesn't know, for his convience.

She knows well that their's was a nice friendship out of a shared interest and pleasant convience.

Certainly not something that will now have these years dictated to her as a carer.

Lots of women in their 60's actively avoid changing their living arrangements for this very reason.

Protect your independence OP.

DatingDinosaur · 26/12/2022 12:35

“I genuinely want him to be happy, and I don't think I can provide what he needs.”

So really then, you are locking him into this misery by staying with him!!

And locking yourself into misery by staying with him!

Set him free to find someone more suited to him. And you someone more suited to you. Of course he’ll be upset (or not, if he's being as fake as it sounds like he's being). Aren’t we all when a relationship ends? It’s just a fact of life.

It sounds like he’s love-bombing you and emotionally manipulating you anyway. Maybe it’s what you needed at the time but it isn’t what you want now.

Things change in life and we have to act and adjust accordingly. Don’t regret what cannot be undone. Learn from it and grow.

2bazookas · 26/12/2022 13:35

He's groomed and manipulated you into a corner.

A corner where there's no room for your children, your friends, or any life of your own.

A corner dominated by him and his needs.

It's only going to get worse, much much worse. Next there will be begging for a loan, suicidal sobbing in the small hours, demands to move in with you.

Trust your gut; get rid of him now before your children are dragged into range of his toxic behaviour.

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 13:38

I'm not sure I should stay with, well he's my BF, he's 13 years older than me, no further education, earns very little, is not conventionally good looking

Sorry but you’re speaking pretty disparagingly about someone you’ve chosen to date and what exactly makes you think you’re such a catch if you’ve been single for six years and this is the best you can get? There must be a reason for that?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2022 13:43

This man is an abuser

I would shout this right in your face if I could. He is a living, breathing red flag and he is laying the groundwork to completely take over your life. His goal is to manipulate you into making your life so small that only he is in it. I am genuinely shocked that you don't realise how dangerous and manipulative this man is.

FFS, think of your kids and get this man completely out of your life. Dump him by text RIGHT NOW and block. Do not engage, do not explain, do not ever speak to him again.

Bestcatmum · 26/12/2022 13:44

You want the best for your boys right? This isn't the best.

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2022 13:46

It isn't working, get rid.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 26/12/2022 14:38

Anyone declaring love after a few dates or getting sulky and depressed when you are not around does not have a high emotional intelligence. It is not your responsibility to fix or provide a crutch to his pre existing issues

Totally agree @DanseAvecLesLoups
Whatever his motives, as often mentioned on here, women are not support services for messed up men (or words to that affect). Plus, ultimately, relationships should enhance your life not cause problems in it, and if they don't enhance life it's better to be alone.

Original poster

Grandealmondmylklatte · 26/12/2022 15:34

Thank you so much for your replies, sorry I have taken so long, I can't seem to reply on my phone without the screen jumping about so had to wait until I could go on the laptop. its been really helpful, I really appreciate the time youve taken. Sorry to hear the bad experiences.

I don't think he's a bad person, I don't think he means to upset me. I think he's emotionally intelligent in some ways, and unintelligent in others. when we are together he treats me very well, and I am confused about the relationship because I could be getting this all wrong, what if he is just upset wer're apart and he isnt able to cope with it very well. I said to him today I didnt think it felt right that I was almost being punished for his missing me and that he needed to find another way to channel that.he apologised.

I have been single because I have chosen to be, there is nothing else to it. I have had interest and offers. although it is interesting this is the first relationship I have chosen to become involved with. I don't for a moment think I am perfect, but I work on myself and put in a lot of work.

As pp have said, regardless of his motives, it just falls down to incompatibility i think.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2022 15:44

Holy hell, run op. He has been love bombing you big tim. And now he has switched to the emotional guilt trip mode. It's a sham.

He's basically step by step working through the emotional abusers handbook. Or at the very least, the Cocklodgers one.

Before you know it, he'll need a place to stay urgently. And be hinting at staying with you.

I bet his exs are 'crazy' too right? xD

Listen To your instincts!
They're there to keep you safe.
'Intense' early on is NEVER a good sign.

pictoosh · 26/12/2022 15:44

If he can't cope with being apart from you and gets upset, it's a no-goer...no 'just' about it. I mean yuck. Like a baby. Needs mama.
Yuck.

category12 · 26/12/2022 16:50

Grandealmondmylklatte · 26/12/2022 15:34

As pp have said, regardless of his motives, it just falls down to incompatibility i think.

what if he is just upset wer're apart and he isnt able to cope with it very well.

It doesn't matter.

What this boils down to, is, are you happy?

You don't owe him a relationship.

GreyCarpet · 26/12/2022 19:01

what if he is just upset wer're apart and he isnt able to cope with it very well.

He's an adult. It's his responsibility to manage his emotions. Not yours.

StopStartStop · 26/12/2022 21:11

And could I just add, because it's Christmas an emotional time... DON'T GET PREGNANT. I know sex isn't his first priority but it might be something he tries, to keep you under control.

TiredButDancing · 26/12/2022 22:18

Op, you will hear people telling you he is abusive and manipulative and paving the way for him to take advantage. And that's hard to accept because you feel sorry for him and know he's not a bad person.

But I am here to tell you that his motives don't matter. He may well be totally oblivious to the way he is pressuring you. He may even hear you when you say things aren't OK. But he does not have the emotional maturity, the will or the desire to really consider why his behaviour is not ok.

I speak as someone who has watched this exact scenario play out over the last 15 years with my sil and her partner. The fall out has been epic and disastrous and extremely damaging for all concerned. He is not a bad person. But his complete inability yo function like an actual adult has had terrible consequences.

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2022 12:27

what if he is just upset wer're apart and he isnt able to cope with it very well

He's not a ffsspaniel

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2022 12:28

Not sure what happened to my post!

category12 · 27/12/2022 12:36

@pinkyredrose I have enormous trouble posting on my mobile, everything jumps around. Not sure what the cure is.

Ticketyboots · 28/12/2022 17:51

@Grandealmondmylklatte How are you doing today?

YouWouldNotBelieveIt · 28/12/2022 18:47

..............no further education, earns very little, is not conventionally good looking

he prioritised our relationship, made a lot of time for us, was considerate and kind and thoughtful. would drive to me to walk my dog with me during my break, always answered the phone and I felt very comfortable around him and of course I have feelings for him and care about him.

So what do you want/look for in a man? Just curious.

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