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Relationships

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Original poster

Not having any relationship with DP's daughter

112 replies

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:21

A bit of background here. I'm divorced with 2 primary aged DC. I have my children 70% of the time. They see their Dad regularly and have a great relationship with him. I have my own home and career.

I met my 'new' DP 2 years ago. He is wonderful and makes me very happy apart from we are stuck in 1 position.

His ex wife poisoned his DD against my now DP. She lied to her saying she was abandoned financially and emotionally for my children (he hadn't met mine then). It's taken 2 years and a lot of court visits for him to see his daughter and only for a couple of hours a week. They are slowly working on building their relationship back up but his DD is very reluctant as she feels she's betraying her Mum.

He has made it very clear that his daughter comes first and he will not move our relationship forward until she's an adult. He won't spend time with my children in public for fear or being seen but does see them at my home. He won't help me in anyway with my children, he won't live with me etc etc.

2 years on I'm craving some more commitment. I got upset today as I suggested we spend Christmas together next year but he said he couldn't if he had his daughter. He said we will always have a separate relationship and that his daughter would decide that.

Im not saying I want a fully blended family but I feel like I will never be accepted by DP DD.

What do I do? Carry on hoping things will change? Or leave knowing I will never be more of a priority in his life when his daughter will never accept me.

OP posts:

DenholmElliot11 · 25/12/2022 18:33

I'm with your partner on this one.

Why do you want him to be seen in public with your kids? Why do you want him to help you with the children?

As for moving in together - I can't think of anything worse.

Can't you just enjoy dating and having a boyfriend?

ThePear · 25/12/2022 18:39

Yup. In very very few cases the kids are being prioritised when an unrelated male is moved in to their home. And not feeling you have to take on any of the drudgery of raising his kid for him-bonus! Sounds like he has the Ishtar idea, do you not like dating him?

ThePear · 25/12/2022 18:40

*right

2FelisCatus · 25/12/2022 18:41

You're worth more. Dump and move on.

Original poster

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:43

I don't know why I feel like this. It's perhaps my insecurities.

OP posts:

ThePear · 25/12/2022 18:45

Normally on threads where an OP is dating a man who has a kid the boy is tripping over himself to get the OP to bring up his kid for him, to move in fast, it’s actually refreshing to read of a man prioritising his kid over his sex life for a change. His child doesn’t need to have a relationship with OP, it’s a good thing, two primary school aged kids of your own must be an already huge amount of work.

Original poster

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:47

@ThePear yes I agree in someways. Its hugely admirable that he puts his daughter first. But that means we will never have a proper life together and that's what I'm struggling with.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2022 18:49

If you want commitment I’d move on and find someone else. He’s been through a lot and he might find spending time with your DC a painful reminder of what he’s lost, perfectly reasonable but he should be honest with you and realise you’re not compatible beyond casual dating. Maybe that’s what he’s after but it’s no longer enough for you.

He doesn’t need to help you with childcare anyway but it’s obviously a bigger issue of incompatibility.

ThePear · 25/12/2022 18:50

If you want the nightmare that usually sounds like life with a live in boyfriend + his offspring is then this is very much not the man for you. And that’s fine! Just check that if you move a future boyfriend in, that it’s for your kids benefit.

A proper life is what we make it.

IrmaGord · 25/12/2022 18:50

He sounds like good man but I'm not sure he's what you need right now. He's doing the right thing but I think this may eat away at you eventually.

If I were you, I would end it. You won't be able to do days out together or become a more committed couple.

DenholmElliot11 · 25/12/2022 18:51

It does sound as though you both want different things to be honest.

I've never understood this mumsnet obsession with living with men. Can I ask why you want him to live with you OP?

Original poster

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:53

@AnneLovesGilbert yes you are right. He says he wants more and would give it to me if he didn't have these issues with his daughter. But I guess casual dating is all he's capable of. I'm definitely not a priority. I'm squeezed in between his work, his Mum (whose on her own) and him trying to see his daughter.

On our own we are great together but the reality of our lives means it isn't compatible.

OP posts:

Original poster

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:56

@DenholmElliot11 I'm craving the idea of a family unit I think. My marriage didn't work out the way I wanted. I just want to be wanted by someone. I don't need to be looked after but it would be nice to have someone who cares for me.

OP posts:

Miss03852 · 25/12/2022 18:56

What’s wrong with keeping your relationships separate? Why’s it a big deal to you he’s with you on Christmas Day? You’re not a kid, it’s just another day to most adults.

Googlecanthelpme · 25/12/2022 18:56

Putting his daughter first does not have to mean a complete sacrifice of his own life, and with that, the refusal to give anything more than the absolute bare minimum to any partner.

There is a balance to be had. Bringing up his daughter to understand real life (blended families, compromise, difficult relationships to name a few very common things) and to be emotionally robust would serve her much better than living a ridiculous half life where he takes all the benefits of a relationship but gives nothing major in return under guise of protecting his daughter.

OP I’d let this one go, people who do things in extremes are never good news. Being unwilling to even go out in public with you is just, well bizarre. This isn’t a relationship, it’s got no potential and you’ll soon bore of his martyrdom.

Original poster

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:57

@Miss03852 I would love to spend Christmas with him. I won't have my kids next year. I guess it's the fear of being lonely.

OP posts:

ImAvingOops · 25/12/2022 18:58

I think it's sensible not to blend families by sharing a home tbh. I think children are generally better off being raised by their parent and prioritised, not forced to share houses and time with people they haven't chosen and who aren't their family. I think it's still possible to have a really good relationship without living together.

That said, it's not unreasonable to want days out and a bit of help. He's unwilling to make any kind of commitment to you and that's unsatisfying for you. I'd want a bit more than he's offering, and would end this relationship unless he was willing to behave more like a partner and less like a casual shag.

DenholmElliot11 · 25/12/2022 18:58

You shouldnt be last on his list of priorities.

If someones got kids then yes, absolutely, kids come first. But I'd want to be next. Not the ex wife/job/mother/extended family/golf. Me.

interstatelovesong · 25/12/2022 19:00

Fuck him off

I'd feel like I was some kind of secret, fuck that

Original poster

whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:00

He's unwilling to make any kind of commitment to you and that's unsatisfying for you. I'd want a bit more than he's offering
^
This!! It feels like he's not offering any commitment to me.^

OP posts:

Original poster

whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:03

I think half the issue is that I, my ex, my DP, his mum, his sister and his ex wife all live in a very small radius of each other.

OP posts:

Outtasteamandluck · 25/12/2022 19:03

'I guess it's the fear of being lonely.'

And there it is. You don't want to be on your own

I'm with your DP on this. It sounds complicated and easier to compartmentalise.

Only you know if its a dealbreaker.

I have a similar relationship and want to keep kids out for the foreseeable. It's too messy. My kids come first.

Original poster

whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:06

@Outtasteamandluck ironically I am on my own a lot. He works away - 6 days at a time - home for 4 but i work shifts so don't often see him. For example over Christmas I won't of seen him from 20th - 31st.

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 25/12/2022 19:07

He said we will always have a separate relationship and that his daughter would decide that

You're not compatible, he doesn't want the same type of relationship that you do. You need to open your ears listen to what he's telling you, and move on.

It sounds boring anyway, are you his secret shag? Life's far too short for this nonsense I can never understand why women put up with it. Years of being beholden to whether his DD says Yes Or No. As if there aren't other men out there

gamerchick · 25/12/2022 19:10

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:57

@Miss03852 I would love to spend Christmas with him. I won't have my kids next year. I guess it's the fear of being lonely.

Ok, well this is the crack.

Your bloke isn't doing anything wrong, however he's is unable to meet your needs. It can't be helped and it's just the way it is.

Tell him it's no longer working for you and wish him well. Free yourself up to find the bloke who can meet your needs.

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