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Original poster

Not having any relationship with DP's daughter

112 replies

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:21

A bit of background here. I'm divorced with 2 primary aged DC. I have my children 70% of the time. They see their Dad regularly and have a great relationship with him. I have my own home and career.

I met my 'new' DP 2 years ago. He is wonderful and makes me very happy apart from we are stuck in 1 position.

His ex wife poisoned his DD against my now DP. She lied to her saying she was abandoned financially and emotionally for my children (he hadn't met mine then). It's taken 2 years and a lot of court visits for him to see his daughter and only for a couple of hours a week. They are slowly working on building their relationship back up but his DD is very reluctant as she feels she's betraying her Mum.

He has made it very clear that his daughter comes first and he will not move our relationship forward until she's an adult. He won't spend time with my children in public for fear or being seen but does see them at my home. He won't help me in anyway with my children, he won't live with me etc etc.

2 years on I'm craving some more commitment. I got upset today as I suggested we spend Christmas together next year but he said he couldn't if he had his daughter. He said we will always have a separate relationship and that his daughter would decide that.

Im not saying I want a fully blended family but I feel like I will never be accepted by DP DD.

What do I do? Carry on hoping things will change? Or leave knowing I will never be more of a priority in his life when his daughter will never accept me.

OP posts:
BlueLabel · 26/12/2022 11:59

Did you both leave your previous partners for each other? I'm trying to understand why the ex would be so cruel to her own daughter.

He could be a great guy but if you want different things it's best to split before you resent each other.

NWQM · 26/12/2022 12:18

How confident do you feel that you know the full story?

Have been able to have a frank conversation about the future?

Its reasonable you want to understand how this will work in the future? It may be reasonable overall that the pace is slower than you would ideally like. Its whether you feel that the emotional upheavel in the meantime is doable for everyone.

MelchiorsMistress · 26/12/2022 12:22

You choose to accept it for the long term without complaints or you move on. He has made his position very clear, so you don’t have the right to hope it will change or to try and influence a change.

ButterflyOil · 26/12/2022 12:31

I don’t know - his mum is demanding, his ex is demanding, his daughter is demanding - now you’re wanting more too. He seems to be surrounded by people who wait and need him to behave in certain ways - some with good reason like his daughter for example.

Just seems like there is a lot going on and he can’t please everyone. It also seems to me even if he tried to offer more, the rest of his life has so many demands that he’d always be pandering to those as well. It’s not as simple clearly as just his daughter accepting you. He sounds either very passive and wanting to keep the peace or else has had the misfortune of being raised by a very demanding mother and carrying on the pattern with his ex wife. Realistically speaking, do you really want to get into a four way tug of war for his time and attention any further than you already have been?

OhWhatFunItIstoRideInAOneHorseOpenSleigh · 26/12/2022 12:52

Op, sounds like you want to be with someone. It doesn’t have to be him though does it. He’s not giving you his all, so you don’t have to. You say he sees his DD for a few hours a week. That’s nothing, and not enough to stop him seeing you more. How would his DD know?

Keep seeing him, but relegate him to someone you have a nice time with. Start the new year keeping your options open and dating others too. Mr Right May he out there, but you can’t meet him whilst you are waiting for this guy to throw you a fish.

His DD may never come round. She may get to 20’s and still not want to share her dad, and vice versa, and still not want to upset her mum.

You and your DC deserve better.

BungleandGeorge · 26/12/2022 12:57

he’s just not that committed to the relationship. At the end of the day he’s doing what he wants to do
and blaming it on the mum, the sister, the ex, his daughter (even though he has extremely limited contact). You say he doesn’t even want to go out in public with you. You don’t want the same things, you want commitment and he doesn’t. How often do you actually see him? Sorry but if you want a committed partner I think you need to move on

supercali77 · 26/12/2022 13:06

I can see it both ways tbh. Otoh he's prioritising his relationship with DD and since it's v precarious it's right that he's very cautious. It does also strike me though that a relationship where you cant just go out together for fear of being seen and talking about seperate relationships forever is really not addressing the issue (of his DD being poisoned against your dc, where does that end?) nor should you be willing to stay for this if you want more.

Is there backstory here? Did you 2 meet as part of an affair or something? I ask because I'm not understanding why his ex is poisoning his dd against your kids?

frozendaisy · 26/12/2022 13:07

So his life, his daughter's life, his mum's life, have a been poisoned by his ex.

His daughter is now 12. She can make her own decisions. There must be some way through. To start standing up to the poison and say, yes I have a new partner who has children, no I never not wanted a relationship with my daughter, my mum doesn't deserve to never see her granddaughter she was so close to.

Basically it's time for the scales to fall from his daughter's eyes. It could be done without causing upset with the mother. Might take all year but these relationships are stunted.

Life is short OP.

This is a mess.

But if he could find a way through this during this coming new year it would be so much healthier for everyone especially his daughter.

But if nothing is to be done, no progress or change you then have to decide if this, him, is enough for now.

supercali77 · 26/12/2022 13:17

Hmm, just read your later posts. The not coming up for xmas bc of his mum and sister is sounding like an actual commitment issue. Either that or he's led by the nose. Both are a problem. Id also be suspicious of his story about DD being poisoned and him some innocent party. It's never that simple

Clymene · 26/12/2022 13:24

So he's a military man who is a victim of terribly bulling and abuse by every single woman in his life? And his ex wife made up a load of stories to the court which meant he hasn't been allowed contact with his 12 year old?

Yeah, right. And I'm Santa.

Ticketyboots · 26/12/2022 13:50

Clymene · 26/12/2022 13:24

So he's a military man who is a victim of terribly bulling and abuse by every single woman in his life? And his ex wife made up a load of stories to the court which meant he hasn't been allowed contact with his 12 year old?

Yeah, right. And I'm Santa.

Agree the narrative isn’t ringing true…..too many others being “demanding” except him…..but only on you.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/12/2022 13:51

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:47

@ThePear yes I agree in someways. Its hugely admirable that he puts his daughter first. But that means we will never have a proper life together and that's what I'm struggling with.

What's a proper life?

Why can't you just enjoy dating him?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/12/2022 13:52

DenholmElliot11 · 25/12/2022 18:51

It does sound as though you both want different things to be honest.

I've never understood this mumsnet obsession with living with men. Can I ask why you want him to live with you OP?

Agree!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/12/2022 13:54

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:57

@Miss03852 I would love to spend Christmas with him. I won't have my kids next year. I guess it's the fear of being lonely.

Well, you need to address that, regardless of what happens with this relationship. Using other people to patch over one's own emotional issues is not fair to them.

trackerc · 26/12/2022 14:02

I'm not sure if Im misreading this, but it sounds very much like he wants to keep you a secret. I would not be happy with this scenario.
Being only good enough to be acknowledged behind closed doors.
I understand you may be dreading feeling lonely, but I wonder if it's the symptom of wider feelings. 2years where you consider him a part of your life, a darling partner. Yet 2 years in for him you're still the place to stay & not to be seen in public when he's not working away.

billy1966 · 26/12/2022 14:13

IncompleteSenten · 26/12/2022 10:43

You are the least important person to him and he doesn't want to have any sort of relationship with your children beyond hi, I'm the bloke who's banging yer mam.

I mean, he's perfectly entitled to have those priorities and preferences. It is just baffling that you'd accept that rather than say look, this is not what I want from a relationship. I think it's best if we go out separate ways.

Absolutely this.

You are a small nice convenient part of his life.

He couldn't be clearer but you are refusing to hear what he is clearly telling you.

You have time on your hands, and want a family unit, afraid to be alone, unhappy with what he is offering you.

You need to accept the clear reality of your situation.

A busy, largely unavailable man whose relationship with his daughter is far far more important than you.

He is being clear and honest but you just want it to be different.

Accept the reality.

Your unhappiness will impact your children.

Stop trying to change the pittance he has to give you.

Be brave.
Dump.
Move on.

Mari9999 · 26/12/2022 14:13

OP, what commitment are you offering him? It seems that you are saying that you want him to step into your existing life whether that is what he is ready for or not.

He is no asking you to give up anything. He is honest about his plan to compartmentalize his life . You have a vision of family life that is not his vision at the moment. He is not denying you anything; he is telling what he had to offer. If what he has to offer is not what you want or need , just end the relationship.

You may find a partner who wants to step into your ready made situation. He may find a partner who is comfortable in his compartmentalized life. Neither of you need feel that this is your only chance at a satisfying and workable relationship.

trackerc · 26/12/2022 14:16

Have you seen the CAFCASS plan? Or just been told contents. I'd have thought the blocking of seeing grandparents, his family etc would need to have a rationale about the child's safety (& punishing/destroying the family is not a valid reason). How could this be considered in the child's well-being? Just feels off.

Onnabugeisha · 26/12/2022 14:18

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:47

@ThePear yes I agree in someways. Its hugely admirable that he puts his daughter first. But that means we will never have a proper life together and that's what I'm struggling with.

What do you mean “never”? DC do grow up. And you’ve said he’s only just now able to see his DD “a couple of hours a week”…so why do you begrudge him 2hrs a week with his DD? I bet you and your DC get his attention for far more time. You need to step back and actually encourage him to go for more time with his DD.

emptythelitterbox · 26/12/2022 14:23

What billy1966 and IncompleteSenten said.

I think if you sit down and think about what you truly want from a relationship, this one isn't it.

There are men out there who want the same thing you want.

Original poster
whowhose · 26/12/2022 17:08

Ok there are a few things that need addressing.

He does prioritise me when he's home. He spends as much free time as he can around my shifts etc. We do things in public but he doesn't want to be seen with my children in the local area. It will be seen by people and fed back to his ex partner who will use it as a weapon against his daughter. She has already done that and will continue to do that. As an example she told his DD that he was with my children on Fathers Day. My children were at their Dads and DP was working. She told her DD that he had taken my kids to Disney Land. We've never been away with him. She told her DD that he bought my kids their school uniform in September. No, their Dad and I paid half each. So she uses any opportunity to cement a wedge between them.

DD is an only child and has been made to feel by her mother that she has no one but her. This isn't true but I imagine to a 12y that the thought is quite frightening.

There was no affair but we did work together and he was accused by her of having an affair with me as soon as she realised I was female. I was the only female in the team.

DP has not said never. He said when DD is 18y we can get a house together and commit more formally. He feels he needs to give DD every opportunity during her childhood to come back to him.

I think he was and is extremely passive in his relationships. His Mum is very demanding of him. I think because he's the only male in her life.

I do spend time with his Mum & Sister with him and I have independently too. It took time for them to accept me but we are there now.

OP posts:
Original poster
whowhose · 26/12/2022 17:10

@trackerc yes I've seen the Cafcass report and court order. The problem is that she is 12y and can't be forced to see them.

OP posts:
Coolheadedbird · 26/12/2022 17:23

I don't know, I think you just need to wait it out till his daughter is 18 yo. You have your hands full with your own kids AND a relationship. Why do you want to get dilute the attention you need to give to your kids any more than it already is diluted. They will not benefit one bit from this man moving in with you, they have their own worries of a broken marriage and spending time with you, your partner, their dad and his partner. I would just postpone thinking about this till much later. And I have to say your man is right about putting his daughter first and the tiny amount of opportunity he has with her. You don't understand one bit what he has to go through, as you get to live with your kids full time. He gets snippets. So I don't see your problem, demanding that he gives up the snippet and chance he has, it appears a little selfish tbh.

trackerc · 26/12/2022 17:24

Thank you OP. Your replies help give context. Please don't feel that you need to defend your position. Many of us have been where you are & on the whole we want to help. You're distressed by this situation & I know you'd like things to be different.
It does indeed seem that he's passive. It seems odd he didn't campaign in what is an agreed plan between parents to allow his family contact. Maybe he just avoids conflict & goes with the least point of resistance.
I hope you can be clear on what you do want & stand by those things that are important to you. Waiting to promise something when a child is 18 is kicking the can along the street & 6yrs in the sidelines will bring sadness .

Coolheadedbird · 26/12/2022 17:27

Waiting to promise something when a child is 18 is kicking the can along the street & 6yrs in the sidelines will bring sadness .

This is ridiculous. If you have a lot of fun with your man and you enjoy him, 6 years is nothing. OR move out of the area, so that he does not have to be seen bringing up your kids whilst he's not brining up his own daughter.

You must understand how being seen to do this is public would destroy his own daughter.