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Original poster

Not having any relationship with DP's daughter

112 replies

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:21

A bit of background here. I'm divorced with 2 primary aged DC. I have my children 70% of the time. They see their Dad regularly and have a great relationship with him. I have my own home and career.

I met my 'new' DP 2 years ago. He is wonderful and makes me very happy apart from we are stuck in 1 position.

His ex wife poisoned his DD against my now DP. She lied to her saying she was abandoned financially and emotionally for my children (he hadn't met mine then). It's taken 2 years and a lot of court visits for him to see his daughter and only for a couple of hours a week. They are slowly working on building their relationship back up but his DD is very reluctant as she feels she's betraying her Mum.

He has made it very clear that his daughter comes first and he will not move our relationship forward until she's an adult. He won't spend time with my children in public for fear or being seen but does see them at my home. He won't help me in anyway with my children, he won't live with me etc etc.

2 years on I'm craving some more commitment. I got upset today as I suggested we spend Christmas together next year but he said he couldn't if he had his daughter. He said we will always have a separate relationship and that his daughter would decide that.

Im not saying I want a fully blended family but I feel like I will never be accepted by DP DD.

What do I do? Carry on hoping things will change? Or leave knowing I will never be more of a priority in his life when his daughter will never accept me.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 26/12/2022 17:32

I agree, if he’s the right partner for you then 6yrs is nothing. It’s the blink of an eye really. And once his DD is an adult, you’ll have the rest of your lives together. You can develop a relationship with her then.

Ticketyboots · 26/12/2022 17:38

Onnabugeisha · 26/12/2022 17:32

I agree, if he’s the right partner for you then 6yrs is nothing. It’s the blink of an eye really. And once his DD is an adult, you’ll have the rest of your lives together. You can develop a relationship with her then.

Sorry but in 6 years this 12 year old will likely be even more entrenched in her beliefs and even more demanding.

Same with his mother - especially around getting older and care.

supercali77 · 26/12/2022 17:55

If the ex is literally making stuff up, then it's irrelevant whether hes seen with your kids or not. She could say at any time 'your dad was out with them today'. Where are you getting the info from that she's said that? Is it from him alone? Something doesn't add up im afraid.

Re there being no affair, was there lines crossed, flirting etc beforehand. Did she have reason to be suspicious?

Youre saying he's passive in his relationships but not with you. With you he's being very clear about his lines. Again it doesn't add up.

I think there's missing information somewhere.

Onnabugeisha · 26/12/2022 17:56

Ticketyboots · 26/12/2022 17:38

Sorry but in 6 years this 12 year old will likely be even more entrenched in her beliefs and even more demanding.

Same with his mother - especially around getting older and care.

Show quote history

Lol, you obviously have not experienced how much DC change from age 12 to 18. ‘More entrenched’! Trust me, she won’t be daddy’s little girl in need of only 2hrs a week dedicated to her when she’s an adult! Even now, 2hrs a week is hardly ‘demanding’…unless you are the kind of person who only spends a half hour a week with your preteen DCs?

🤣🤣🤣

StarDolphins · 26/12/2022 18:07

He sounds like my kind of boyfriend! The reason I won’t date until my DD leaves home is because I would want this set up. I’ve seen too much damage to children being forced to move in with Mums new bf.

is there no way you could enjoy your bf the way it is until his DD is older?

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2022 19:31

He’s just not the one for you. Best to get out of the relationship now rather than continue for years waiting for things to change. He sounds like a good guy, putting his dcs interests first, and for some people this would slot in with their own life’s well. But you seem to want a bigger commitment, so you should just move on and try and find someone who provides the sort of life you’re looking for.

IncompleteSenten · 26/12/2022 21:19

whowhose · 26/12/2022 10:50

His relationship with my children is tainted by guilt for not seeing his own daughter. I understand how that could make him feel but it doesn't sit easy with me.

The Family court/Cafcass put a plan of increased contact in place as his relationship with his DD completely broke down and he was banned from seeing her/alienated by his ex wife so his DD needs time to build her trust up in him. His DD was also alienated against her Grandmother, Auntie and nephew. His ex wife said she wanted to destroy them all by taking DD away from them. She did a good job. DP mother hasn't seen her for 2+ years despite living around the corner and seeing her most days/providing childcare whilst his ex partner worked and he was away (forces).

Well now that just sounds like a godawful mess I would run miles away from for the good of my own children.

Unforgettablehamster · 27/12/2022 04:23

Your DP has now been conditioned to fear that his relationship with his daughter is very fragile. Daughter’s relationship with her mother is based on fear, too - if the daughter forms any bond with you I bet her mother will punish her for that.
You and your DCs will always be at the mercy of these people’s moods, wants, agendas.
Your love will not fix this dysfunctional dynamic, your DP would have to work on himself and set healthy boundaries. Has he got it in him? I’m sure he’s got lots of lovely qualities but will he be there for you & your DCs when you need him? Is this the kind of relationship you want to model to your children?
You deserve more.

ClaryFairchild · 27/12/2022 04:32

As lovely as he may be, he is not in a position to be in a relationship as he needs to focus on his relationship with his DD.

And the whole "there would be hell to pay" if he didn't spend Christmas with his DM and DSis.... that alone would have be running like hell the way from him.

Ticketyboots · 27/12/2022 04:47

Unforgettablehamster · 27/12/2022 04:23

Your DP has now been conditioned to fear that his relationship with his daughter is very fragile. Daughter’s relationship with her mother is based on fear, too - if the daughter forms any bond with you I bet her mother will punish her for that.
You and your DCs will always be at the mercy of these people’s moods, wants, agendas.
Your love will not fix this dysfunctional dynamic, your DP would have to work on himself and set healthy boundaries. Has he got it in him? I’m sure he’s got lots of lovely qualities but will he be there for you & your DCs when you need him? Is this the kind of relationship you want to model to your children?
You deserve more.

He also “fears” his DM and sister? Alongside his DD and ex?

Seems that the common denominator is him - unless he is just v v unlucky with these 4 female relationships in his life.

Billslills · 27/12/2022 08:39

supercali77 · 26/12/2022 17:55

If the ex is literally making stuff up, then it's irrelevant whether hes seen with your kids or not. She could say at any time 'your dad was out with them today'. Where are you getting the info from that she's said that? Is it from him alone? Something doesn't add up im afraid.

Re there being no affair, was there lines crossed, flirting etc beforehand. Did she have reason to be suspicious?

Youre saying he's passive in his relationships but not with you. With you he's being very clear about his lines. Again it doesn't add up.

I think there's missing information somewhere.

I agree. For the ex wife to have so much hatred towards them and for his mum and sister to take time to warm up to OP, it does seem like there was an affair or he moved from one relationship to the next very quickly.

Billslills · 27/12/2022 08:41

My other thoughts are...

OP, what you want from the relationship doesn't seem unreasonable but at the same time, his wants also don't seem unreasonable.

If the daughter is that jaded by it all and only just building up trust with her Dad again, then I am afraid to say there is a good chance she may well dislike you for many years to come due to the circumstances and there is next to nothing you can do about that.

I do think it is bizarre he will be part of your kids lives but won't be seen in public with them. What is that all about?!

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