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Original poster

Not having any relationship with DP's daughter

112 replies

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:21

A bit of background here. I'm divorced with 2 primary aged DC. I have my children 70% of the time. They see their Dad regularly and have a great relationship with him. I have my own home and career.

I met my 'new' DP 2 years ago. He is wonderful and makes me very happy apart from we are stuck in 1 position.

His ex wife poisoned his DD against my now DP. She lied to her saying she was abandoned financially and emotionally for my children (he hadn't met mine then). It's taken 2 years and a lot of court visits for him to see his daughter and only for a couple of hours a week. They are slowly working on building their relationship back up but his DD is very reluctant as she feels she's betraying her Mum.

He has made it very clear that his daughter comes first and he will not move our relationship forward until she's an adult. He won't spend time with my children in public for fear or being seen but does see them at my home. He won't help me in anyway with my children, he won't live with me etc etc.

2 years on I'm craving some more commitment. I got upset today as I suggested we spend Christmas together next year but he said he couldn't if he had his daughter. He said we will always have a separate relationship and that his daughter would decide that.

Im not saying I want a fully blended family but I feel like I will never be accepted by DP DD.

What do I do? Carry on hoping things will change? Or leave knowing I will never be more of a priority in his life when his daughter will never accept me.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 25/12/2022 19:12

whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:06

@Outtasteamandluck ironically I am on my own a lot. He works away - 6 days at a time - home for 4 but i work shifts so don't often see him. For example over Christmas I won't of seen him from 20th - 31st.

That does sound very difficult.

Where did you meet him? And how did you manage dates when you first met?

roarfeckingroarr · 25/12/2022 19:13

Can't you enjoy as things are?

If DP and I part ways, I wouldn't want to live with another man until my DC grow up, nor would I want to try to force a relationship with them and another man. It's unnecessary at best; damaging and dangerous at worst.

Miss03852 · 25/12/2022 19:13

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:57

@Miss03852 I would love to spend Christmas with him. I won't have my kids next year. I guess it's the fear of being lonely.

This just seems like such a red flag, like you’re already planning ahead to try and have him to yourself and make him choose you over his daughter. It’s not his daughters fault you’re not having your kids next Xmas. She should still be able to spend Xmas with her Dad and I seriously doubt she’d want to spend it with you both as a couple.

Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:14

@DenholmElliot11 we met at work. A job I no longer do. At first I was happy with meeting up occasionally. We would go on dates or weekends away when I didn't have the children. It wouldn't be very often but that suited me then.

OP posts:
lady725516 · 25/12/2022 19:15

Have you spent this Christmas together?
You are in a tricky situation and I think you either need to accept your relationship as it is going forward or find someone else (and risk being unhappy)

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 25/12/2022 19:15

Your DC have a father! Why do you need him to take that role. As others said, enjoy dating, your children don’t need a random man in their lifes. This is what you want, not what’s best for them.

Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:17

I don't want him to be a father to my DC. But he is a real person in their lives. Whereas I'm never going to be a real person in his daughters life.

No we have spent Christmas with my family who live 100 miles away. He was welcome but couldn't leave his Mum/Sister.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/12/2022 19:22

How old is his daughter?

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 25/12/2022 19:25

@whowhose I don’t understand why you need to be in his daughter’s life. You have your own DC, a career, presumably family nearby. He made it cleAr his DD is his priority and honestly I get it. If you can’t deal with it, I would leave.

Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:27

@girlmom21 she's 12y

OP posts:
Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:28

@AllIwantforChristmas22 it feels like we can't be fully committed to one another if I don't exist to his daughter? I'm not saying I want to parent her etc but how could we ever live together in the future if she won't accept me?

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 25/12/2022 19:31

His dd is in for a big shock when real adult life isn't catered around only her...

Unforgettablehamster · 25/12/2022 19:32

It’s not going to get better OP. Leave now and save yourself wasted years. Your love and his love will not be enough to have a fulfilling relationship as long as he doesn’t change the way he manages his situation. You and your children will ALWAYS come second. That is - if one day he won’t decide that it’s all too tricky and ends the relationship himself.
And yes - it’s great that he cares about his daughter but is this the life you want for yourself and your children?

girlmom21 · 25/12/2022 19:32

whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:27

@girlmom21 she's 12y

Did he separate from his ex around the same time you got together?

Presumably he stopped seeing his daughter around that time. Why?

Zanatdy · 25/12/2022 19:34

If you want a committed relationship then they is never going to be it. He won’t change. If you’re happy with a boyfriend who always lives separately then I think carry on. But it sounds like you want the former, he wants the latter

amiold · 25/12/2022 19:34

So his ex tried to control his daughter and now it's controlling his life.

I'm not saying he's wrong for putting his daughter first but I wouldn't want a relationship with a man who wasn't putting me first or second. You want different things. Let him go and go and find yourself a man who will offer you a fulfilling relationship.

Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:37

@girlmom21 yes he separated at the same time. He didn't want to stop seeing his daughter but his ex wife stopped him and told his daughter a lot of lies about him and his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:38

We are really good together. Just our life circumstances aren't compatible. I'm honestly don't think I'll meet someone I get on as well with.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 25/12/2022 19:44

He has been very very clear with you. You know what he is offering. You can only choose to say yes or no, you can't make him change what he is willing to give.

CoffeeAndCosyReads · 25/12/2022 19:45

I had a friend in a similar position a few years ago and a few points in your post stood out to me...

Firstly, is the issue about "the mother poisoning the DDs mind against you and your relationship" strictly from him or do you have other things to back that up as fact? I ask because my friend had this similar narrative but later information came to light that abuse had been involved and the ex (&DC) had been through alot of the dominator tactics so ex became genuinely concerned about the any woman the male wanted to introduce the DC and herself to.

Secondly, if its clear that the "DD being brainwashed" is true then this is obviously going to be their normal relationship forever now, especially if he has had to fight through court for it and probably doesn't want to upset the apple cart by pushing for his own (or your) needs. He is right to be concerned about making his DD happy and putting her first.

Or the DD could be trying to control the situation and rely heavily on DD solely focusing on her. That could also be a sign of something more under the surface.

Regardless of the ins and outs of their situation, its clearly working for them, he has made that choice and he has made it clear that it will never change. It doesn't matter if one day she says yes and you get everything you want because she could easily revoke that "permission" and its obvious to me that he would clearly drop you again to prioritise her wishes.

It's not working for you and your DC (as you state yous are technically a secret), it's not fair on your children or you. That will NEVER change (if it does it will likely be conditional). So I would advice you to prioritise that and walk away now with your dignity intact. Atleast you have control over that decision.

Quitelikeit · 25/12/2022 19:46

It’s a sad situation when the man can’t have any sort of quality relationship after his marriage breakdown due to his child. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when his ex gets a new man!

why did they split up? Who initiated it?

Mellymoon · 25/12/2022 19:47

I speak from
experience. It won’t work if this is how it’s making you feel. Also feel his daughter is being used as a bit of an excuse by him I’m afraid. give yourself the chance to be happy.

Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:53

@Quitelikeit he initiated the break up. He's in the forces and had bad ptsd that his ex wife said he was lying about. He was flown home from duty and he couldn't go back. It was the last straw I think. He stayed for many years for the sake of his daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 19:54

@CoffeeAndCosyReads I do know she alienated the daughter. We live in the same small market town and she was very vocal to anyone who would listen.

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 25/12/2022 19:56

IMO this isn’t primarily about his daughter.

you say he prioritises DD, Mum, work then you.

Take away DD and you are still behind mum/work.

sounds like you see each other fortnightly?

actions speak louder than words, his mum isn’t alone he could be with you tonight but isn’t.

OP I think you are hearing what you want to hear, he chooses not to prioritise/spend time with you.

I would let him go, you both want different things.

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