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Original poster

Not having any relationship with DP's daughter

112 replies

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:21

A bit of background here. I'm divorced with 2 primary aged DC. I have my children 70% of the time. They see their Dad regularly and have a great relationship with him. I have my own home and career.

I met my 'new' DP 2 years ago. He is wonderful and makes me very happy apart from we are stuck in 1 position.

His ex wife poisoned his DD against my now DP. She lied to her saying she was abandoned financially and emotionally for my children (he hadn't met mine then). It's taken 2 years and a lot of court visits for him to see his daughter and only for a couple of hours a week. They are slowly working on building their relationship back up but his DD is very reluctant as she feels she's betraying her Mum.

He has made it very clear that his daughter comes first and he will not move our relationship forward until she's an adult. He won't spend time with my children in public for fear or being seen but does see them at my home. He won't help me in anyway with my children, he won't live with me etc etc.

2 years on I'm craving some more commitment. I got upset today as I suggested we spend Christmas together next year but he said he couldn't if he had his daughter. He said we will always have a separate relationship and that his daughter would decide that.

Im not saying I want a fully blended family but I feel like I will never be accepted by DP DD.

What do I do? Carry on hoping things will change? Or leave knowing I will never be more of a priority in his life when his daughter will never accept me.

OP posts:
Original poster
whowhose · 25/12/2022 20:00

@BananaBlue to be fair I'm 100 miles away at my parents house. In his words 'there would be hell' if he didn't spend time with his Mum and sister at Christmas. His Mum got divorced from his Dad 30 years ago and never met anyone else and is very dependent on him.

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 25/12/2022 20:01

He doesn't want to rock the boat with his daughter as he's trying to re build his relationship with her. That you can totally understand.
He doesn't want to play happy families with your kids as in his head it may effect him building a relationship with his own. That's pretty sensible and respectful towards his daughter.
But if he wants you in his life he does need to make time for you and consider you as well as his mum, sister etc.
You carn't force someone to commit. You need to decide if what he's giving you is enough? If it's not move on.

BananaBlue · 25/12/2022 20:06

whowhose · 25/12/2022 20:00

@BananaBlue to be fair I'm 100 miles away at my parents house. In his words 'there would be hell' if he didn't spend time with his Mum and sister at Christmas. His Mum got divorced from his Dad 30 years ago and never met anyone else and is very dependent on him.

And?

If he wanted to see you he would have made it happen. He could have driven up in the afternoon.

Look, I really do mean this kindly I’ve been there waiting for scraps (many, many moons ago) until he met someone he preferred and committed to her within a year.

While you are being exclusive to him a more fulfilling relationship could be passing you by.

The DD I understand his position, but mum sister and work indicated that either he isn’t into you or is too scared to put his needs first.

either way it doesn’t look good and you are sat there wanting more

Aubree17 · 25/12/2022 20:12

It's incredibly sad and the way you feel is normal and understandable.
You want a normal
Relationship with him and to be part
Of all
Aspects of his life.

It's clearly very difficult. I think you need to tell
him how you feel but also think about whether you want to continue in the current way or whether you'd be happier looking for someone you can share your life fully with.

pompei8309 · 25/12/2022 20:17

whowhose · 25/12/2022 18:21

A bit of background here. I'm divorced with 2 primary aged DC. I have my children 70% of the time. They see their Dad regularly and have a great relationship with him. I have my own home and career.

I met my 'new' DP 2 years ago. He is wonderful and makes me very happy apart from we are stuck in 1 position.

His ex wife poisoned his DD against my now DP. She lied to her saying she was abandoned financially and emotionally for my children (he hadn't met mine then). It's taken 2 years and a lot of court visits for him to see his daughter and only for a couple of hours a week. They are slowly working on building their relationship back up but his DD is very reluctant as she feels she's betraying her Mum.

He has made it very clear that his daughter comes first and he will not move our relationship forward until she's an adult. He won't spend time with my children in public for fear or being seen but does see them at my home. He won't help me in anyway with my children, he won't live with me etc etc.

2 years on I'm craving some more commitment. I got upset today as I suggested we spend Christmas together next year but he said he couldn't if he had his daughter. He said we will always have a separate relationship and that his daughter would decide that.

Im not saying I want a fully blended family but I feel like I will never be accepted by DP DD.

What do I do? Carry on hoping things will change? Or leave knowing I will never be more of a priority in his life when his daughter will never accept me.

Dump and move on , I’m all for prioritising children but I would not let a child dictate my life . Goodbye from me

CoffeeAndCosyReads · 25/12/2022 20:21

@whowhose understood but regardless of the reasons I do think it is wrong that you are painting him as a saint but blaming all these other "priorities" as forcing him to not commit to you. Maybe his ex is unhinged and the idle gossip is true... but like others said if it wasn't for DD there would still be other issues he would blame.

If he truly wanted to commit to you then he would regardless of how big or small that commitment was. You should be holding him accountable and showing your self worth not these other influences.

pocketvenuss · 25/12/2022 20:24

DenholmElliot11 · 25/12/2022 18:51

It does sound as though you both want different things to be honest.

I've never understood this mumsnet obsession with living with men. Can I ask why you want him to live with you OP?

Do you mean you can't understand why people ever want to live together? It's not unusual to want to live with your partner in a single home. It's kind of traditional.

Christmasnero · 25/12/2022 20:26

He’s told you what he can offer
that isn’t enough for you

that’s that unfortunately

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2022 20:47

The mum/sister dynamic is a whole other unnecessary complication and says even more about how unavailable he’s making himself.

It’s not his DD, it’s him.

For some reason he’s got one foot out of the door/he’s scared of committing to anyone in any way after his divorce/he doesn’t think he deserves to be happy so he’s putting piles of obstacles between you.

He’s not going to have a meaningful relationship with anyone until he sorts his shit out OP. It’s not you, it’s him. You’re not wrong for wanting more.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 25/12/2022 21:05

You're not wrong to want more, but equally if he's happy with the current set up he's not wrong to want things to stay the same. If you want more you should. You can either settle for what he can give or split up and try to find someone who can give you the commitment you want.

Re what happened when they split up what's the timing on you two getting together? The OP I read as you weren't together then, but subsequent post it sounds like he just hadn't met your DC and you were dating early on. If there wasn't much time between them splitting and you dating it would make his Ex's behaviour a more understandable. Not that she should have poisoned their daughter about him but she may believe the things she said.

littleburn · 25/12/2022 22:28

I think it's right (and admirable) that his daughter comes first, like I'm sure your DC do with you OP. But there's no reason why you can't come second!

I agree that focusing on living together isn't the best idea, but after 2 years you need some sense that this man is as committed to you as you are to him. As it is, it's all on his terms - you're there when he wants you to be, but somewhere down the list after his daughter, his mum and his work. And he won't go out with your kids 'for fear of being seen'??? Fuck that! He may have issues with his ex and his daughter may come first, but that's no excuse for you and your kids to shuffle around like some dirty little secret. The situation is as it is because it suits him very nicely to keep it like that.

Lili132 · 26/12/2022 04:32

I'm going to go completely against the grain here and say he's not putting his daughter first, at least not in healthy way. He probably comes from a place of fear of losing her again so he's giving in.
Adults need to put children's needs first but they also need to set boundaries and show them an example of living a good life which involves other healthy relationships. Instead of understanding his own daughter, talking to her and helping her deal with what lies underneath her behaviour he let's her dictate his relationship with you for as long as she wants to. Making it clear to you he won't commit. I'm not blaming him - those things are difficult to navigate.

If you want more then a boyfriend you might need to consider moving on.
And it's perfectly normal and healthy to want more. Don't let anyone on this thread convince you otherwise.

Relationships and having a family /partnership are very important to many people. And being divorced or having children from previous marriage should not mean that you have to be denied this very meaningful part of life.

knittingaddict · 26/12/2022 05:44

There must be more to this story. If you have know him for 2 years and he split up with his ex before that, why does he only see his daughter for 2 hours a week? It does sound like the family court had some concerns about him.

That alone would make me run for the hills.

My daughter's ex was actually abusive with police involvement and he still ended up with the standard every other weekend and 4 weeks a year in school holidays. It's incredibly difficult for even the worst fathers to have their "rights" denied to them. Wrongly, I might add.

Darhon · 26/12/2022 07:06

roarfeckingroarr · 25/12/2022 19:13

Can't you enjoy as things are?

If DP and I part ways, I wouldn't want to live with another man until my DC grow up, nor would I want to try to force a relationship with them and another man. It's unnecessary at best; damaging and dangerous at worst.

You don’t know that because you aren’t single. Yes, blended families take work but so do biological families.

DeeCeeCherry · 26/12/2022 08:12

we have spent Christmas with my family who live 100 miles away. He was welcome but couldn't leave his Mum/Sister

So this time it's his Mum and his Sister he can't leave. Who on earth next - will it be next door neighbour's cat who can't be without him?!🙄

This is entirely ridiculous. Incredible that you would have actually taken him to meet your family at Christmas, when theres not a chance in hell he'd do same for you.

You're not a lovestruck teen presumably you're a grown woman. Focus on yourself and your children. In fact, put your children 1st instead of letting them see you moping over some man who's barely around.

girlmom21 · 26/12/2022 08:39

He sacrificed his relationship with his daughter for his relationship with you. I'd protect my child from that too.

IncompleteSenten · 26/12/2022 10:43

You are the least important person to him and he doesn't want to have any sort of relationship with your children beyond hi, I'm the bloke who's banging yer mam.

I mean, he's perfectly entitled to have those priorities and preferences. It is just baffling that you'd accept that rather than say look, this is not what I want from a relationship. I think it's best if we go out separate ways.

Original poster
whowhose · 26/12/2022 10:44

Thank you for all the comments. It's a lot to process.

OP posts:
Original poster
whowhose · 26/12/2022 10:50

His relationship with my children is tainted by guilt for not seeing his own daughter. I understand how that could make him feel but it doesn't sit easy with me.

The Family court/Cafcass put a plan of increased contact in place as his relationship with his DD completely broke down and he was banned from seeing her/alienated by his ex wife so his DD needs time to build her trust up in him. His DD was also alienated against her Grandmother, Auntie and nephew. His ex wife said she wanted to destroy them all by taking DD away from them. She did a good job. DP mother hasn't seen her for 2+ years despite living around the corner and seeing her most days/providing childcare whilst his ex partner worked and he was away (forces).

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 26/12/2022 10:55

My first instinct was to think that at age 12, you haven’t got that long before she’s old enough to decide what she wants to do and things will change a bit. I mean the mother won’t be in charge of how much she sees each parent.

But I have to say, the ‘there would be hell to pay’ comment about his mum is really odd. It would be normal for him to go there every other year, or for her to come to him every other year.

I feel like you’ll be bottom of the pile here.

Ticketyboots · 26/12/2022 10:57

You are so far down his list of priorities.

If he is only allowed to see his DD for a few hours - what’s he doing the rest of the time?

Whats his nonsense with his DM and DSis?

I am not buying any of this drama …. he is just finding every excuse to spend minimal time with you.

Move on.

Anyone deserves more than these “crumbs” of a relationship that seem to be even more and more sparse.

Daffodilis · 26/12/2022 11:00

Has he ever introduced you to any other of his family members or his friends?

VladmirsPoutine · 26/12/2022 11:01

This man is telling you everything you need to know about him and you're still fighting it! There are other men out there - find one who actually wants to be with you without all the caveats. You both sound exhausting!

huffyhufferson · 26/12/2022 11:04

This will NEVER end in the way you would like. Trust me - I have lived like this for over 20 years. Now my DH is a granddad it's just a nightmare. Your relationship is fairly new - I would get out of it now if I was you. Good luck.

Weatherwax13 · 26/12/2022 11:22

You're way down on his list of priorities. Maybe not even on the lost full stop.. This is never going to be the committed relationship you want.
Not just his daughter but his mother and sister then come above you.
Apparently he can't say No to any female in his life - apart from you.
Don't resign yourself to accepting scraps from the table OP