Dating Thread 237 - Wintertide Warmth Support & Festive Frolics and

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Merry Christmas one and all. Thanks for all the support and dating wisdoms...

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Yea I should probably do the right thing with MrHills and let him know I've not got time/inclination to take things forward. He won't be surprised.

I might phone Glasses to see what he's actually like. I don't think relying on texts gives a true sense of what a person is like. I've already ascertained he's humourous, interesting, enthusiastic, quirky, has a lovely relationship with his teens. Would be remiss of me to bin him off without checking him out properly.
He of course might decide I'm not what he's looking for!

With no message @Mila14 just pics?

That's odd.

Does MrEx know and understand your OLD adventures while you were on a break?

Well MrG has totally disappeared. It's very strange but it has taught me something

I have gone back to two guys - one I'd met up with (disastrous, shorter than he said) and one who gave me the real ick after a few messages.

I'd totally ghosted them so I went back and messaged apologising for being so rude and that I'd felt we had just not clicked. I, obviously, heard nothing back. But I was thinking- how can I criticise if I do the same thing.

So, I'm taking responsibility. We all have feelings and we can all hurt.

Good point @Definitelycross re treating those how you'd wish to be treated.

Even just being unmatched unceremoniously when you thought you had a nice chat going on is an ego bruising isn't it.

What was the story with MrG? How long were you dating and where did you get to with it? Did he just disappear or a slow horrible fade?

It's so hard this dating business.

I proceeded to delete him again on receipt of the messages. Total twat Worsy

Yes bit of text… “ the place was amazing , thanks for suggestion blah blah “… something like that . Mr Fox trying to fish for bait

I don’t want to discuss my dating spell with Mr Ex to be honest. It amounted to nothing and I kept comparing everyone I dated with him which was very wrong. He told me he could not date properly and had been unfair to people because he was in love with all along. Basically he must have hurt a few ladies along the way. He dated too and I’m not interested. Likewise he does not want to know. He regrets having dated because he had nothing to give
Never date a guy who’s in love with someone else ladies. They might be lovely and awesome but follow your gut instinct. At least he had the decency to tell ladies he was still in love and would not further relationship
I did worse. Got ultra picky and dismissed early or just ghosted because they were hard work and I haven’t even met them
Please beware of daters like us… we go in , look like everything is great and start demolition and cave going after DTD … sometimes even before

I don’t regret dating and I am super happy he also did and just wanted me back even though I wanted a bit more time with no one

Sack them off. If you don’t want it, don’t do it. You’re in charge of your time. It won’t get easier and it’s kinder for them.

And then maybe ask yourself if you do really want it. Your goals can change. They aren’t fixed for the year, and if you’re spending time doing it, maybe you do want it?

You know… I really really don’t think we should take ghosting to heart. If you have not met the guy even though you have texted and whatever I really don’t think it’s horrible to just disappear . I’m honest.

If you have met the guy and he’s a nice chap I normally stop comms… then when said chap texted me with “ I guess we are not meeting again” I would answer… I’m sorry blah blah best of luck

if I had DTD or a petting session and was not progressing I would wait a day or so and then “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I want blah blah good luck”

they are never going to be my friends as we only met 2 or 3 times so I delete everything. I ignore messages after my deleting act

Life is too short to get all complicated. That is what I learnt from 8 months of OLD. There are really nice men there don’t get me wrong. Very eligible but the good ones are serious and clear and they might be in love or not over their last partner. Beware

Oncey , I think I went on a dating phase where I had one iron going and 2 in line just in case. I never left apps and I swiped right left and center all the way through. I never never really concentrated on the one guy and probably lied to myself and all of you to an extent . I can not do OLD without having at least 2 irons going. The better it went with one the readier I was to date number 2.
It’s not that I was emotionally unavailable. I was very available but in love with someone else
I was relieved to leave all apps and sites in one go and I will only go back if Mr Ex “slides” and I don’t feel happy with the way we are going
We’ve spent together since last Thursday 24/7 as we had no kids. It was wonderful and great chill out

Yeah no I'll have to agree to disagree @Mila14 - well I won't be ghosting anyone going forward. It's just not kind.

MrG and I had met up, he asked me for a 2nd date. We messaged constantly then full stop nothing. I didn't go mad with him because goodness knows what's really going on in his life. But it really hurt that he's literally disappeared.

I just think it didn't take me long to message those guys. They know now and can put me in whichever dating pile they wish.

I'm a firm believer in Karma and treating people how you want to be treated. I lost my way with that a bit. Also got a bit cocky if I'm truthful. It's much better imho to close things if you don't intend to return.

But as I say that's just my head.

We messaged constantly then full stop nothing

thats the pain of OLD in a sentence there x

I agree that’s it kind to treat people the way you would hope to be treated.

Sometimes the messaging just fades away on both sides and it’s obvious that neither party really cares what happens, but when it abruptly ends for no apparent reason, that stings

Pass page and move on. That’s the best thing I can think of

This is really normal. Why do you get anxious? I don’t understand what’s making you feel this way. There is 0 reason…unless your gut feeling is telling you something 😳

I spent a big part of the last 7 years feeling anxious…no surprise we needed to break up. I don’t feel anxious anymore…remarkable. I’m really comfortable with myself but I have noticed he’s the one feeling a bit anxious now…maybe relations are like this??

Exactly…in a way people end up ghosting each other for lack of interest and no explanation is needed then

@mila I think it comes from investing everything in my marriage and being completely blindsided by it ending. I'm almost trying to see problems before they arise. Its difficult to let down barriers and be vulnerable but I do feel very comfortable with him and can talk to him about anything which I havent had before. It's an adjustment process for me and I have been honest about this from the start. He took many years to fully get over his ex wife leaving so he understands. I guess we are all different and while I would love to be more chilled and more easy going at times its just not my nature and something I have to work on. It seems quite common when we read the posts here so its comforting to know I'm not alone.

Mila14

id say anxiety shouldn’t be part of a healthy relationship
ideally

now this begs the question
am I too anxious ?
is the relationship ok and it’s me ?
or is the relationship a bit awry and my anxiety is real?

Either way it’s wonderful YOU are feeling good right now
how is his anxiety manifesting ?

Yes. This.

I could have understood slowly fading away but literally messaging me one evening, when we were supposed to be meeting, then airing any attempts to message him the next day.

I'm no longer upset I've moved into the who does he think he is? Place. Don't worry it'll soon be replaced with the - what did I do wrong phase 😂

It's either something has happened or he's been found out by his partner.

@LuckyLinda3 my marriage also ended out of the blue - this year would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. I've said it before but I honestly don't think I'll ever trust anyone in my life a hundred percent again. Not just partners, anyone.

@LuckyLinda3 I am just v the same. I have had av fabulous few weeks with Mr Serb (albeit after being ready to finish with him after X mas Eve but luckily being talked down by the lovely peeps on here) but after not seeing him since Weds am feeling insecure evem tho were were both busy with family stuff since then and he did even message me over the weekend for no reason which never happens)
I know it is definitely me and a legacy from my toxic marriage and am so grateful to lovely people in this group xxxx

@Definitelycross and @JangolinaPitt. Thanks so much, its reassuring to know I'm not alone in my thoughts. We are planning a wee mid week catch up so I'm just going to chill and enjoy that and take it from there. Thanks again ladies x

Ghosting is definitely the worst.... sometimes it's hard to have those conversations but I'd honestly much rather someone have me a 'thanks but no thanks' text rather than me hanging on wondering.

That said up until the currently let down I was very much take it or leave it with dates... I think I have a particularly niche and unusual taste in men and they don't often appear on the apps. Don't meet any of them irl either though

I'm blown away by the fact that some of you have multiple irons... I'm lucky to find one man I like the look of enough to chat with in a year!

sometimes it's hard to have those conversations

I think I’ve realised some people literally can’t have these conversations

this maybe why they are single or divorced or separated as their relationships break down for this very reason (ahem looking at you balkan )

its easier to ghost than deal with a disappointed human even on texts

I just had an amazing evening with MrBike 😊 We went for a walk, coffee, took in a film, then pizza and back to mine. He's just ❤️‍🔥 Mind you, not sure my neighbours will ever recover 😂😂

Sounds like an amazing evening 😊