Dating Thread 237 - Wintertide Warmth Support & Festive Frolics and

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Merry Christmas one and all. Thanks for all the support and dating wisdoms...

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Fifthie…middle age man living with his mom … can we please set filters and revise criteria ? 😳
You just don’t realise YOU DESERVE BETTER

@Mila14 When I come out of dating hybernation, I definitely will set my bar higher, I promise!! Haha!

5thWisdom

is it set bar higher , or have people in the right bucket ?

that said - it’s all well and good designing a ‘hot sex only bucket’

but then the emotions and love and attachment kick in

and you realised you’ve fallen in love with a man living in a caravan with a ferret , 6 rabbits , 7 children and 8 ex wives

that’s a made up example 😂

Worsy and Fifthie… we are older ladies with kids, responsibilities and divorces and whatnot behind. We can’t risk our wellbeing and our future getting involved with trouble people. I’m really never going to fall in love with trouble person because I like a man with similar values, aspirations and idea of safety. Hot sex is brilliant ( and I’m having a few days of that right now 😈) but I can’t fall in love with Mr hot sex and I’m no longer 22 years old with a life ahead to build future and rectify wrong starting points.

To me right now, love is loving yourself massively first and foremost ( of course with your kids) and then share with a lovely man
If we are sorted and work our butt at being in a settled position we want someone similar
I had dinner before bonkathon out with MrEx. It was a revealing conversation about about work and possible changes when he’s down the road to retirement now ( over 50). I can relate to his worries and issues. He can relate to my issues with kids and ex husband too.

I ask you this… since we have so much stuff to deal with, do we need to share our sex and love with someone who does not get us ?

Think about it

Had a strange situation last night. Merrily talking to a funny, cool, interesting (and v tall!) fella and chat got to tattoos. I asked for pics and on his chest there's one that I definitely could not enjoy looking at. And makes me realise he might be a right wing nutter.

Sharing this in case it is useful. Note made for my future self too. Better to see tattoos ahead of being in the sack!

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss good point, definitely better to find that out in advance! Urgh to right wing tattoos.

Hi everyone, can I join in please?

I’ve been lurking on here for ages and decided to jump into OLD at the start of the month after my 20 year relationship/marriage ended early last year

Met a guy, had a whirlwind couple of weeks, really liked him - great chemistry, easy chat, enjoyable dates, and he said he felt the same. Came crashing down morning as he told me he is going exclusive with another match. He was completely decent about it but I’m gutted! I know I got too invested waaaaaay too soon (and I knew it at the time) but how on earth do you not?? I really don’t like the idea of dating multiple people at once, I’m not sure I have the headspace for it but I guess that’s the game. Oh well, onwards and hopefully with a thicker skin in place

Following this thread with interest! Past few years had a number of promising dates, a couple that got serious, now im just jaded due to dating what seemed like amazing guys at the beginning to not being who i thought they were 😣
My rule now is if it seems too good to be true, then it usually is! Ive had the love bombing, flowers, romance, falling big time for the guy only to bitterly disappointed months down the line, and i think we all are vulnerable to this as everyones putting the best version of themselves across when you start dating, and its usually only when its far too late that you realise theyre not as amazing or nice as you first thought. Speaking as someone who whos had their heart broken by too many apparently wonderful prince charming characters ☹

Mapleunicorn - scarily similar, whirlwind few weeks with the last date, told me we were soulmates etc, stupidly had sex after 4 or 5 dates only to be dumped and told it suddenly wasn't what he wanted 😣
A lot of these guys especially if theyre good looking and charming just see us as an easy shag and will tell us what we want to hear. 3rd time its happened now. Either I'm stupid or theyre very good at playing women 😕

Oh don't.
I can so identify with this.

I'm aware that MrG is still on the app regularly and that upset me so I took myself off all of them.

We've been in touch a lot, right up till yesterday, and we were supposed to be meeting tonight. But I haven't heard anything. I've decided I'm not going to be the first person to make contact. I'm going out anyway and was going to meet him afterwards.

I can't deal with them seeing multiple people. I know that makes me unsuitable for this game so I'm out.

If I hear from him I'll meet up. I know he has work etc so I'm keeping the fact he has a 'life' totally separate from me. And I know he's particularly busy this week. But I would like to not be the one doing the contacting.

I know. If this doesn't work I'm taking a break.

Definitelycross

i wonder if men stay on the apps because they also are scared of getting hurt a bit too

and are - thanks to their gender maybe more able to spread it around a smidgen easier than us

this is second or third date ?

i hate that ‘will it won’t it feeling’ abiut the date later
fucking HATE it

id also gently say to NOT quit if this doesn’t work out
the more the merrier and the more you learn x

bit easy for me to say and I’m not you

just be careful that anything going awry doesn’t translate to you thinking ‘it’s me !’
as it’s not

That's really devastating @Mapleunicorn so he was dating others at the same time but you were unaware. That's poo.

I wouldn't and couldn't find the time to date multiples which puts me at a disadvantage maybe. I always end up regretting this when thing with an iron fizzles or ends abruptly.

Maybe the blokes have more free time than us single mothers (generalisation I know) and therefore have diaries and heads that can accomodate multiple irons.

This is why we call them irons though isn't it? We're meant to have several irons in the fire at one time not just at the early initial matching and chats stage. We're meant to not sleep with any of them until many weeks of dating has happened too.

Maybe we need to modify our approaches. Shall I be the Guinea pig and trial this for the mothership? I'm meant to be off the apps and kind of am to all intents and purposes. Doin a small amount of half hearted swiping maybe once a week with no real results.

MrHills bobs up with one line chats after our first date last week indicating he's not my type (enthusiastic, energetic, ADHD like me - he's not)

I think you're right. I think they are a bit scared.

But this Match I played it completely differently than the others. I haven't told him anything from my past abusive marriage. I've kept everything light. And I'm not going to let him know if it upsets me I'm just going to move on.

I know that I've found it hard to remember that these people owe you absolutely nothing. No niceness. No loyalty. No anything. BUT I really think that it's just basic manners and being a nice person. And sadly a lot of people, not just men, seem to lack the basic niceties.

I hate that I've reached this point. I hate that I've hardened. But for my own mental well-being I'm going to have to.

I really like MrG and he obviously really liked me but if I'm not right for him or he thinks he can do better then work away.

I'm worth so, so much more than that.

Definitelycross

its kind of two pronged I think

having boundaries and sticking to them
and staying confident and resilient

work in progress hey

Absolutely- it's a very fine line.

I think that's why if he does contact me I'll just say yeah - rather than how I'd usually be, which is - no you've left it too late - do you know what I mean?

Keeping that resilience and not losing my natural softness. Tough call but you're absolutely right

I’m great when I advise other
not so great at it myself !!!!

problem is it’s hard to not give a shit when you do actually LIKE them

@Definitelycross easy breezy is a good way to play it. At least you don’t have the dilemma of should you get ready or not if you are going out anyway. The anxiety of not knowing is a killer though

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss the tragic part is I did actually know he was dating others. I just naively believed that when he told me I ticked every box and more, that he couldn’t stop thinking about me etc that it meant he saw it going somewhere. Evidently not!

@Humbig ah that’s tough, I’m sorry. I do at least have to give my guy credit. We were due to go for dinner Monday night and we both knew that it would definitely end in sex. At least he had the decently to call it off before then instead of thinking “well I’ll get a shag Monday and then dump her Tuesday”

it’s definitely a steep learning curve!

I'm not sure what we can learn though. Apart from just to know the bottom can fall out at any time. We enter each encounter with hope, authenticity, honesty and hope they feel the same. Until they don't.

It's crushing. And it's so hard to keep a lid on the feelings when you do really like them.

But yes, I'm glad he didn't use you for sex then dump.

That @Mapleunicorn is a teeny crumb of a silver lining of this particular cloud.
That he backed out before the sex. (Unless you feel you were robbed of some long awaited no strings attached frisky times which never materialised)

I recall a time where I was dumped at an early stage just as I'd reached for the tissue to wipe his spunk off my inner thigh 😬 Happy to report he was chipolata sized so did me a favour but nevertheless the timing was crappy. Would I have been better off being dumped the night before without being acquainted with his trouser caterpillar?

Maybe you can tell yourself he probably would have been dire in bed.

I took myself off the apps too, so I wouldn't be constantly obsessively checking if MrBike is still on there. I'll trust him for now and see what happens. He messaged this morning from work which was unexpected as he usually doesn't have his phone with him.

I had to sit down last night and give myself a talking to. Listed all the reasons why I shouldn't be worried that he doesn't like me. Then all the reasons why I should chill out a bit and not let it be the end of the world if it doesn't work out. Feel a bit better for that, but suspect it'll all go out of the window when I next see him 😩

Anyway he's said he'll ring tonight. I don't ask him to, or ask for messages etc, besides letting me know he got home safely which he also asks me to do, so it seems genuine.

I was kicking myself yesterday when he rang because I'd added him on fb, thinking then I could share gigs and things we could go to, I asked if it was ok and he said well you did it, kept thinking he wasn't happy about it, but then he didn't have to accept it did he? And I know for a fact his profile said single before (of course I checked 😂 ) and now says in a relationship, I mentioned it and he said, he was under the impression I was in a relationship with you! 😂 so hopefully all ok!

And yes, I do feel like a child 😂 bothering about what it says on Facebook! 🙄🤪

How long have you been dating @beepbeepme for the relationship conversation to have happened?

Some men are just rubbish, I think these apps give them so much choice and like a kid in a sweet shop they think they can find better, try more options. This is very enlightening reading these threads. I don’t think I could ever do apps for dating just too risky. I think meeting someone in real life be it at work, local library, hobby etc has to be “easier” that the perils of online dating! 🙄

@5thWisdom It's two weeks today since we first spoke. It seems much longer though, in a good way! We've spoken on the phone two or three times a week since, and have now met up four times, the second time we met up we spent the whole day together, the other times we spent at least five hours together each time. I feel like I've known him forever and he said the same.