Page 19 | Dating Thread 237 - Wintertide Warmth Support & Festive Frolics and

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 2022-12-24T15:44:45+00:00

Merry Christmas one and all. Thanks for all the support and dating wisdoms... The Rules: 1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

5thWisdom · 07/01/2023 09:24

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/01/2023 09:01

I had a learning last night (well over Xmas )

a year Of being with a rather emotionally unavailable caver has turned me into a very insecure and anxious person

the weird thing is my anxiety manifests itself as sexual jealousy , yuk

which isn’t appropriate as that’s really not the issue and it makes me look like a nutter , and exacerbates things

honestly I’m at the stage where I think being single is the only option until I figure this out

as if I like someone I spend my whole time thinking about them and obsessing about them

its a waste of energy

and I get angry about things that I shouldn't get angry about (having a female friend !)!

but don’t address the issues i SHOULD ( caving which makes me insecure )

I can relate to this on many, many levels.

I'm not sure how much is worsened by the person we're with. I just don't like to think you're taking the whole burden of blame for all the negative emotions and feelings.

I have issues around insecurity, obsessiveness, I often wondered if I have a touch of BPD (pick a fave person, push and pull relationship, wanting them all to myself, huge insecurities) but wondered actually with a stable, secure attachment to someone calm and stable, I wouldn't be made to feel this way.

I've also been thinking over Christmas that I'm not sure I have the energy to actually cope and manage these emotions and let someone brand new into my life, take that risk, cope with it all, worry about what their feelings are, cope with their past, start again, again. It all feels a bit daunting and I don't feel that I have the energy.

So I'm online searching for handbags instead. Safer option.

Also thinking, hmm, maybe new job, maybe new home. Those fresh starts are more appealing right now than the chaos a man brings!

5thWisdom · 07/01/2023 09:29

Slothmomma · 07/01/2023 09:12

@5thWisdom I've got something like looking for someone to enjoy my childfree time with as like you im not looking for anyone to be involved with my kids/merge families etc

5'8" iron last night was lovely and I had an enjoyable few hours chatting but didn't want to kiss him and could see myself excited about seeing him again unfortunately. He messaged straight away asking if I fancied doing it again so had to let him down but he was lovely about it. He's nice but the last 3 I've dated have just been nice and it leads nowhere.

6'4" in two hours ....

What's the plan with 6"4?! Hope you have a fab time.

I know it's time consuming and we get our hopes up each time, but a pleasant time in nice company is actually ok. It is indeed a numbers game and you're getting out there. Enjoy the process and the journey and I'm sure you're learning more about what you want and need as you go along. I'm the most impatient person and none of my supposed irons actually ever turned into an actual date last year - just keep going.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/01/2023 09:32

5thWisdom

meeee tooooooo

and agree this isn’t all on me

but when I have meltdowns at him it’s pretty ugly and it makes me ashamed of myself. I don’t want to be like my ex was !!!!

I've also been thinking over Christmas that I'm not sure I have the energy to actually cope and manage these emotions and let someone brand new into my life, take that risk, cope with it all, worry about what their feelings are, cope with their past, start again, again. It all feels a bit daunting and I don't feel that I have the energy

exactly how I feel right now

I get quite nostalgic for my single days when kids were away and all I did was de clutter , watch Netflix and have a few wild nights out

angst free

5thWisdom · 07/01/2023 09:40

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/01/2023 09:32

5thWisdom

meeee tooooooo

and agree this isn’t all on me

but when I have meltdowns at him it’s pretty ugly and it makes me ashamed of myself. I don’t want to be like my ex was !!!!

I've also been thinking over Christmas that I'm not sure I have the energy to actually cope and manage these emotions and let someone brand new into my life, take that risk, cope with it all, worry about what their feelings are, cope with their past, start again, again. It all feels a bit daunting and I don't feel that I have the energy

exactly how I feel right now

I get quite nostalgic for my single days when kids were away and all I did was de clutter , watch Netflix and have a few wild nights out

angst free

It's so hard.

I can get quite caught up in a conflict of completely rational and irrational thoughts and feelings when in a situation like that.

And I think to myself, it's not attractive at all to be this irrational person but your emotions can take over.

It can feel that you need the other person to talk you down. But if they can't or don't, it can feel a million times worse.

I do think that the partner I was with made this side of me a million times worse, and encouraged it so I was a ball of insecurities and anxiety, and he could turn everything on me. So I'm wary.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/01/2023 09:51

5thWisdom

thank you 🙏 soo much

this wee chat has helped as sometimes I think I’m really messed up

but I’m not , actually I’m very high functioning and kind and a good person

but I do need to think hard about what type of man would be a good fit for me (if any)

its been 1.5 years of this now (as I had an intense thing that was different before Balkan ) and I’m TIRED 🥱

what I’m scared of is not being able to find someone with the right chemistry who also treats me like a queen

the ones who did that , I didn’t fancy IFSWIM ?

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 07/01/2023 09:57

Good luck with 6'4" date today @Slothmomma

@beepbeepme that sounds very fantastic. A few of us have had heady dating experiences like that. Try to keep yourself grounded as can be the ones that hurt the most if they suddenly drop you/turn out to be a nob etc and annoyingly you don't know how it will play out at this early stage.

@5thWisdom I've got something like 'looking for long-term fun times, laughter, adventures and friendship' I think as am in very much the same place as you.

I do not want a life partner as such but someone to have top laughs, nights out, weekends away and of course mutually wonderful physicals.

Good luck for people with dates 1,2 or 3 with new people this weekend.

I've got a to-do list longer than my arm so really shouldn't be accommodating any dates with new MrHill but why not he's witty and interesting and bizarrely might just help me find the right words to say to MrCars to put the final nail in that coffin ⚰️ as feel like a bad person how it currently stands knowing he'll be wishing my texts will ping in. I've been on that side several times and it is truly pants.

OP posts:

5thWisdom · 07/01/2023 09:59

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/01/2023 09:51

5thWisdom

thank you 🙏 soo much

this wee chat has helped as sometimes I think I’m really messed up

but I’m not , actually I’m very high functioning and kind and a good person

but I do need to think hard about what type of man would be a good fit for me (if any)

its been 1.5 years of this now (as I had an intense thing that was different before Balkan ) and I’m TIRED 🥱

what I’m scared of is not being able to find someone with the right chemistry who also treats me like a queen

the ones who did that , I didn’t fancy IFSWIM ?

Yep, that's exactly the same for me.

Unfortunately I think I'm in a weird place where I equate a push and pull relationship with passion and chemistry. I also think that I've fallen into relationships where they are emotionally unavailable, I chase the reassurance, they give me hope, that doesn't last, and around we go again in circles. Mainly because they're insecure, I'm insecure.

While we're at it! I'm also hugely mistrusting of a man's genuine intentions with me as I've been used and used (financially, emotionally, practically, logistically etc etc). I've got everything life wise pretty sorted apart from a healthy, long term relationship with a partner so a big target for the cocklodger type who wants me to take that finance agreement out for them because their credit it crap etc. So this doesn't help with the insecurities.

I'm definitely picking the wrong men.

5thWisdom · 07/01/2023 10:02

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 07/01/2023 09:57

Good luck with 6'4" date today @Slothmomma

@beepbeepme that sounds very fantastic. A few of us have had heady dating experiences like that. Try to keep yourself grounded as can be the ones that hurt the most if they suddenly drop you/turn out to be a nob etc and annoyingly you don't know how it will play out at this early stage.

@5thWisdom I've got something like 'looking for long-term fun times, laughter, adventures and friendship' I think as am in very much the same place as you.

I do not want a life partner as such but someone to have top laughs, nights out, weekends away and of course mutually wonderful physicals.

Good luck for people with dates 1,2 or 3 with new people this weekend.

I've got a to-do list longer than my arm so really shouldn't be accommodating any dates with new MrHill but why not he's witty and interesting and bizarrely might just help me find the right words to say to MrCars to put the final nail in that coffin ⚰️ as feel like a bad person how it currently stands knowing he'll be wishing my texts will ping in. I've been on that side several times and it is truly pants.

Oh enjoy the witty company - we all need a good laugh! You deserve that 😊 Let us know how it goes.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/01/2023 10:06

5thWisdom

me too ! There is a rather painful to read book
it’s so painful I’m not going to recommend it 🤣

bit the gist is we are drawn to these types because on a base level we’re not able (history , family , psychological ) trust and be emotionally available ourselves

and the safe ones ? We don’t fancy them

anyway you have made me feel better and I’m going to turn phone off and take down the bloody Xmas tree !!

Original poster

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 07/01/2023 10:10

If there's one thing my time with MrCars has showed me it's what an emotionally available and enthusiastic man looks like. There has never been any doubt or anxiety about his being up for an all-in relationship and good at speaking his mind, receiving criticism too. Due to him I will never again be chasing and anxiously seeking assurance from a bloke. I'll simply 'match their energy' (dating guru speak) and let them slide if they want to slide.
I'm a catch. I might be 50 and less slim than I used to be but I'm still a good person and so if someone doesn't see that or thinks they can do better it's a big fat 'Bye 👋' from me.

I think realising I really don't 'need' a man in my life and actually accommodating one given current commitments and time constraints are going to really help with this attitude. It's the desperateness for something to work which kills us.

OP posts:

5thWisdom · 07/01/2023 10:19

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 07/01/2023 10:10

If there's one thing my time with MrCars has showed me it's what an emotionally available and enthusiastic man looks like. There has never been any doubt or anxiety about his being up for an all-in relationship and good at speaking his mind, receiving criticism too. Due to him I will never again be chasing and anxiously seeking assurance from a bloke. I'll simply 'match their energy' (dating guru speak) and let them slide if they want to slide.
I'm a catch. I might be 50 and less slim than I used to be but I'm still a good person and so if someone doesn't see that or thinks they can do better it's a big fat 'Bye 👋' from me.

I think realising I really don't 'need' a man in my life and actually accommodating one given current commitments and time constraints are going to really help with this attitude. It's the desperateness for something to work which kills us.

I like the idea of matching energy.

And...

It's the desperateness for something to work which kills us.

This is so true.

5thWisdom · 07/01/2023 10:21

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/01/2023 10:06

5thWisdom

me too ! There is a rather painful to read book
it’s so painful I’m not going to recommend it 🤣

bit the gist is we are drawn to these types because on a base level we’re not able (history , family , psychological ) trust and be emotionally available ourselves

and the safe ones ? We don’t fancy them

anyway you have made me feel better and I’m going to turn phone off and take down the bloody Xmas tree !!

Glad to hear that's helped.

Get the tree gone and let's embrace 2023 with positivity and happiness!

Slothmomma · 07/01/2023 10:21

Just a coffee date with todays iron so a dare zero I guess to see if we want to arrange a proper date. Will update when back 😁

Mila14 · 07/01/2023 10:56

Oncey
It's the desperateness for something to work which kills us.

exactly right. A lot of it is because we are aware we are aging and really eligible guys have a huge pool of ladies prettier and younger. We are failing to see what is our real worth. Not because of them but because we have lost self confidence and trust in ourselves. I think 2023 has to be a year to like ourselves and regain our self confidence first and foremost. I also agree with Oncey in matching energies or let it slide… we will be ok

Mila14 · 07/01/2023 10:56

Slothmomma · 07/01/2023 10:21

Just a coffee date with todays iron so a dare zero I guess to see if we want to arrange a proper date. Will update when back 😁

Super good luck Slothy

Mila14 · 07/01/2023 11:03

I don’t know what’s going on but I have ended 2022 and started 2023 feeling great. I haven’t felt like this in years. I really think dropping apps has been great for me. I’m really not anxious either about MrEx. I will “let it slide” if I can not be sure of long term potential but I am so glad I took this second chance because it’s made me realise no one is so amazing and you can actually let go instead of feeling so anxious. I’m 0 jealous right now. Which is extraordinary as I am a bit more like Worsy at times. A lot of our drama and insecurities come from years of bad marriage and being lied to. We still carry that luggage but we don’t need it to define who we are

beepbeepme · 07/01/2023 12:43

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I'm trying to stay grounded and be realistic. I find myself waiting for his messages and I don't want to be just waiting to hear from him, so I'm trying to keep busy and not think about him all the time 😬 I just never expected to find someone like him on apps.

Mila14 · 07/01/2023 13:01

beepbeepme · 07/01/2023 12:43

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I'm trying to stay grounded and be realistic. I find myself waiting for his messages and I don't want to be just waiting to hear from him, so I'm trying to keep busy and not think about him all the time 😬 I just never expected to find someone like him on apps.

I totally get this, enjoy a lot and don’t over think 🥰

Mila14 · 07/01/2023 13:02

Beepbeep…what are you calling your iron and how is he?

beepbeepme · 07/01/2023 13:04

@Mila14 I'm calling him MrBike 😁 He's great, he called last night for a chat and he messaged this morning and we're speaking again tonight and meeting tomorrow!

Mila14 · 07/01/2023 13:22

beepbeepme · 07/01/2023 13:04

@Mila14 I'm calling him MrBike 😁 He's great, he called last night for a chat and he messaged this morning and we're speaking again tonight and meeting tomorrow!

Excellent…Mr Bike must be quite fit then 😂😂😂. It’s so nice to hear communications are clear and sorted. Has he got kids too?

beepbeepme · 07/01/2023 13:55

@Mila14 yes he has adult kids too. He’s very fit, cycles a lot - not like me 😂

Mila14 · 07/01/2023 14:28

beepbeepme · 07/01/2023 13:55

@Mila14 yes he has adult kids too. He’s very fit, cycles a lot - not like me 😂

Oooh… adult kids and very fit… excellent choice !!

Slothmomma · 07/01/2023 15:04

Today's date was much better and reminded me what it should feel like when I'm really into someone. He's gorgeous 😍 so not really expecting it to go anywhere 😆

We chatted easily and he made me laugh. Has his life in order. I've messaged to say enjoyed it and if wants to do again to let me know. He replied he had a lovely time and nice chat and asked if i enjoyed it 🤦‍♀️I've replied that I wouldn't have asked if he wanted to meet again if I hadn't 🤷‍♀️ he's replied "ha, point taken" so I have no idea 🤦‍♀️

But even if don't see him again, I'm holding out for same feeling and not just "nice".

Mila14 · 07/01/2023 16:14

Slothmomma · 07/01/2023 15:04

Today's date was much better and reminded me what it should feel like when I'm really into someone. He's gorgeous 😍 so not really expecting it to go anywhere 😆

We chatted easily and he made me laugh. Has his life in order. I've messaged to say enjoyed it and if wants to do again to let me know. He replied he had a lovely time and nice chat and asked if i enjoyed it 🤦‍♀️I've replied that I wouldn't have asked if he wanted to meet again if I hadn't 🤷‍♀️ he's replied "ha, point taken" so I have no idea 🤦‍♀️

But even if don't see him again, I'm holding out for same feeling and not just "nice".

This is exactly how we all should feel. Not nice…just great date. Keeping fingers crossed for you. Tell us about MrTall …I think you are rather smitten