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Original poster

Feeling trapped. Does anyone dream of a different life?

113 replies

SecondLife · 23/12/2022 12:54

NC for this.

Just wondered if people create a different life in their heads? Not one with lots of money necessarily but a different set-up altogether.

After coming back to MN after a long time and reading about controlling relationships, the crushing realisation is that I am in one.

I believe in my gut I've always known it but seeing it written down in black and white has brought me to my senses.

Obviously I need to deal with it but don't yet know how. We have huge commitments and 30 years of being together.

In the meantime I am lost in my own dream world.

I have a life in my head which is very different to my current life: my own 2 bed cottage, open fire and possibly a dog. Freedom to work in a field that will fill my soul and to live a life where I don't have to alter myself, my reactions or to over-ride my true thoughts or opinions to fall in line with him. To live a life being the real me, flourishing, rather than dancing to his tune to keep the peace. Perhaps it's just a fantasy to keep me sane!

Do you have another life in your head or is it just me imagining how it could be?

OP posts:
Yetanothernamechangeagain · 23/12/2022 15:33

I used to dream of this all the time. I would spend hours browsing the property and job listings dreaming of how life could be if I was on my own. One day I realised that there wasn’t any real reason why I shouldn’t make it a reality.

Sending you strength to make your dream a reality 💐

Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 15:39

Thankyou @Yetanothernamechangeagain

Is your reality now how you imagined it would be?

OP posts:
Jumbocoffee · 23/12/2022 15:42

Yes. I think a lot about changing my life. Moving somewhere coastal. I’m hoping once my children are older, I can make some changes.

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 23/12/2022 15:48

Having the freedom to do what I like and not spend my time walking on eggshells and trying to manage a difficult man is bliss. Never feeling on edge when the door opens because I know it will just be one of the kids and not him is so good.

There was a period when I had just separated that it was hard, trying to get the house sold and living in the same house was difficult but just keep focusing on the dream and you can get there. See it as a gift to yourself and one that is worth all the effort.

Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 15:51

That sounds wonderful!

OP posts:
PositiveLife · 23/12/2022 15:55

I think I tend to think about what my future life might look like. I know there's many reasons why things can't be different right now and I do feel a little bit trapped by that. For example, I can't really move house because of the kids (being near their dad, settled in school, offers from colleges). But I do think about what I'd like to do once they're independent and not living at home (probably after uni too). I'd love to live closer to the countryside.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2022 15:56

You absolutely, 100% have the power to change your life. You just have to do it and not make excuses as to why you're not. You've got only one go in this life, make the best of it.

PositiveLife · 23/12/2022 15:57

Also, just to add, it took me a long time to leave the Ex-husband but I have never regretted it. Even in the hard times. And both kids say I'm much happier and they love that I do far more stuff now.

BaddogGooddoggy · 23/12/2022 18:38

I think of it not so much daydreaming as planning. That was me for seven years while I figured out what I wanted and how to get there. And having thought it through so carefully, when I made the move it all fell into place easily. My life now is pretty much how I want it. I keep pinching myself frankly!

BaddogGooddoggy · 23/12/2022 18:40

No open fire as too dusty, but the cottage and the dog are lovely 😊. I think good things come to those who wait.

closingscore · 23/12/2022 18:42

Blimey, I could've written this - my alternative life is exactly the same as yours!

closingscore · 23/12/2022 18:44

I should add my DH is pretty easy going so I don't dance to his tune exactly, but I feel like I always put his and the dc's opinions/feelings before my own.

I look at clothes I'd love to wear but I don't because I think my family would judge me, I have my hair how they've said they say they prefer it instead of cropped short how I'd like it. It sounds mad when I read it back to myself 🤦‍♀️

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 23/12/2022 19:10

@SecondLife what is it that is preventing you from leaving now?

NoelNoNoel · 23/12/2022 19:22

Since lockdown I dream of living in a two bedroom flat with a balcony and decorating it all white and pale pink. I’d have a pink Smeg fridge and matching kettle. It’s my happy place that I go to often.

Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 19:54

BaddogGooddoggy · 23/12/2022 18:40

No open fire as too dusty, but the cottage and the dog are lovely 😊. I think good things come to those who wait.

Ah yes, wood burning stove. Safer too!

OP posts:
Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 19:56

NoelNoNoel · 23/12/2022 19:22

Since lockdown I dream of living in a two bedroom flat with a balcony and decorating it all white and pale pink. I’d have a pink Smeg fridge and matching kettle. It’s my happy place that I go to often.

👍

OP posts:
Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 20:10

closingscore · 23/12/2022 18:44

I should add my DH is pretty easy going so I don't dance to his tune exactly, but I feel like I always put his and the dc's opinions/feelings before my own.

I look at clothes I'd love to wear but I don't because I think my family would judge me, I have my hair how they've said they say they prefer it instead of cropped short how I'd like it. It sounds mad when I read it back to myself 🤦‍♀️

I get this completely.

I have to say DH has never stopped me doing anything. It's difficult to explain. I think it's more about him thinking I should be his wingman and back him 100% rather than be my own person with my own opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 20:16

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 23/12/2022 19:10

@SecondLife what is it that is preventing you from leaving now?

The penny has only dropped properly these past two weeks. It's been quite illuminating looking in from an outside perspective. And sad.

Still getting head around it really.

OP posts:
Yetanothernamechangeagain · 23/12/2022 20:20

I had a similar experience of the veil being lifted from my eyes. It’s like I had been trying to subconsciously suppress it all for so long as once I admitted the situation to myself there was only one possible outcome.

I felt apprehensive but also excited at the possibility of a new, life.

Good luck, a better place awaits.

pinktoad2022 · 23/12/2022 20:30

My ex left me for OW. It was a horrific few years but I can honestly say that myself and the kids are 10000% happier. There's not a single drama, no shouting, no having to share a bed, no going on holidays with someone who is grumpy 24/7 and not having to have shit sex three times a year.
My life now consists of a lot less money but I have a roof over our heads and food to eat. I have a job I love and it's easy to have a shag if I need it!
It's your life to live. Do it.

Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 20:31

DH is a good person and amazing father. I think I've enabled him all these years thinking that was my role. I was less confident years ago so deferred to him a lot. Infact I clearly remember a mutual friend saying years ago that I was very compliant.

We've been together so long. We are a team but he's absolutely oblivious as to how he is. So much so he calls people out on stuff but does the same thing himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 20:40

@pinktoad2022 it would almost be easier if there was another woman.

Holidays, yes! He will have a humdinger of a meltdown every time. DS and I made him face the fact this year. He looked like he took it deeply but continued in a slightly different format later on and still destroyed the atmosphere.

OP posts:
TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 23/12/2022 21:10

I'll be living next door! This is exactly my dream.

DS17 and DD15, I absolutely wont leave until they're done with school. My DH is great, supportive, great dad, we've no financial pressures or problems. But I just don't love him, I don't even like him most of the time. Getting to the point where I can barely be in the same room with him.

Original poster
SecondLife · 23/12/2022 21:28

Gwyneths conscious uncoupling, while cheesy, sounds ideal. I know one couple who have done it well. So generous and respectful to each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecondLife · 24/12/2022 06:52

closingscore · 23/12/2022 18:44

I should add my DH is pretty easy going so I don't dance to his tune exactly, but I feel like I always put his and the dc's opinions/feelings before my own.

I look at clothes I'd love to wear but I don't because I think my family would judge me, I have my hair how they've said they say they prefer it instead of cropped short how I'd like it. It sounds mad when I read it back to myself 🤦‍♀️

Same. Does seem mad written down in black and white doesn't it? Don't lose who you are @closingscore

OP posts:
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