Feeling trapped. Does anyone dream of a different life?

[SecondLife]

NC for this.

Just wondered if people create a different life in their heads? Not one with lots of money necessarily but a different set-up altogether.

After coming back to MN after a long time and reading about controlling relationships, the crushing realisation is that I am in one.

I believe in my gut I've always known it but seeing it written down in black and white has brought me to my senses.

Obviously I need to deal with it but don't yet know how. We have huge commitments and 30 years of being together.

In the meantime I am lost in my own dream world.

I have a life in my head which is very different to my current life: my own 2 bed cottage, open fire and possibly a dog. Freedom to work in a field that will fill my soul and to live a life where I don't have to alter myself, my reactions or to over-ride my true thoughts or opinions to fall in line with him. To live a life being the real me, flourishing, rather than dancing to his tune to keep the peace. Perhaps it's just a fantasy to keep me sane!

Do you have another life in your head or is it just me imagining how it could be?

@SecondLife I think I lost who I am many years ago! I feel like I spend my whole life being who I'm expected to be, and nobody knows the real me.

This is exactly me too :-(

Whenever we read these threads people crave a safe secure house with freedom to do what they enjoy without being judged or criticised and often the companionship of an animal (goats are more fun than dogs). Excessive money and possession rarely figure on what people really want. But we are continually told money and possessions measure our success to the extent we burn out working in jobs we hate to get them and we don't give status to caring jobs and people who do them. It's all a bit strange really.

Agree wholeheartedly. It is strange. And sad.

It really does boil down to doing what feeds your soul and what's in your heart. I don't think people place enough importance on it but are conditioned to believe more equals better. Ultimately it's not what makes people happy.

How's everyone's day been today? I've felt flat all day. Tried to keep upbeat for DM and DS though.

DH has gone to bed feeling flu-y so am enjoying a cuppa, blanket and Kerrang on the telly.

Flat here too but for different reasons. Sounds like your evening is just missing some 'indulgent' chocolates then.

I read your post and I hope you find something close to what your dreams are are making you smile. I'm not sure how relationships get to this point, whether it is just the daily grind of life in general, or everything/everyone becomes complacement.

Thankyou @YNWA2009 Had a couple of After Eights from the fridge 😋

I think it's often a case of growing older and wiser perhaps?

Hope your flatness improves.

I feel like I had this life, the freedom, the space, the independence. And I thought a relationship would complete it.

I love my DP but I could live without him.

I often feel so drained and burned out trying to negotiate the feelings, moods and needs of someone else. I don’t know many people who have experienced the joy of living alone comfortably, sadly because society / cost of living makes it so hard to do so.

My living situation is temporary. Part of me yearns for my old life back, and the other part feels the pressure to live with a partner. It’s up to me which way I go as I’m lucky - it’s my house! DP would happily stay here forever.

Good luck.

I’ve been in a controlling relationship for years and years. We are now divorcing and he is not happy that his financial retirement plans are not going the way he wanted. We are still in the same house and we’re going through the worst bit of it all I guess.

My future life is what keeps me going, small cottage, sunny kitchen, wildlife garden and cats.

He went off to family this Christmas and Ive stayed at home alone, having a Not Christmas. And it’s been fine. Just looking forward to him getting over his temper tantrums now that he can’t order me around like before.

You say you’ve been together for 30 years, well it’s been longer than that for years. I didn’t think I could end it, but I gradually beats you down until in the end you have to do something. I thought I could endure, I couldn’t and all this was going to happen sooner or later. It won’t get better unless something changed.

But now it’s happening, and it’s horrible, but at least it will end when the divorce is sorted, and I can live with that. So for me happy days are ahead, which is more than I thought this time a year ago.

Best of luck with your real, actual future life.

Reading this thread has made me realise I feel the same and I need to do something this year. I feel like I’m living half a life and at all times there’s an uneasiness in the back of my mind about DH. We have also been together 30+ years.

It's the hardest thing to make a decision to break up your relationship and separate. I felt the same as you and pined after my own place. My relationship was controlling and abusive, but kind of in an "under the radar" kind of way, so it was always too much to leave (we have 2 young DC, 4 and 6). He overstepped them mark one day so much and the DC were upset so I finally felt I had to leave, not for me, for them. So it was like I had permission. It was the hardest 6 months of my life but now have my own place and am so happy. Obviously it's so hard sharing DC, so it's not all roses but I'm myself now, more than I have been in years, and it's only now I'm out that I see the full extent of how bad the relationship was. It definitely gets a bit worse but then so much better. Good luck with whatever you decide, your dream home sounds lovely x

Just to talk about it is huge for me, so thankyou.

I haven't spoken to anyone about it and I sometimes feel perhaps I am too sensitive or going crazy. But deep down I know it's true.

I am mentally noting each time I adapt my thoughts, behaviour and opinions to keep the peace. Or whenever my stomach does a brief roll at something he says.

We have a business together and "are the buiness" iyswim. I'm office, he's manual. I am trying to process the implications. However he is knackered and we are looking to change how it runs. Perhaps indirectly this might be the change.

My decision feels like it would be catastrophic though. The business is his life and our income.

To the person who said about living somewhere that feeds your heart and soul that really resonated with me. I feel exactly like that. My husband doesn’t get that at all. But he’d miss his gym if he didn’t have that like I miss open spaces. We’re tied here for now until the kids finish education but once the youngest is finished in 9 years I suspect I’ll have to go back to being a carer as she’s severely disabled. And when that happens I will say to my husband we have to move.

I did used to do this yes. When I was in a relationship with a controlling man who was a blamer. I got the blame for everything it was so exhausting. I used to close my eyes and go to a place where I was living a life that looked similar on the outside but with a relaxed, kind, easy going supportive man. Somebody I may have hardly known from years ago but whom had formed an impression on me as a kind person.

Yes indeed OP, i was unhappily married to a control freak for 20 years.
i made my new life happen actively. Divorced, moved to the deep country the other side of the UK, to a place I always wanted to live, lovely cottage, lovely new job with nice people.
I retire in 7 years and everything has been set up for a happy future.
If you want something it's up to you to plan and make it happen.

I think it's called disossicative disorder

The only dream I had was my life without my husband in it. I wasn't fussed for anything else, just no him. I now have that and it's so much better than I ever could have imagined. I still revel in the calm and my own autonomy all these years later.

Holidays, yes! He will have a humdinger of a meltdown every time. DS and I made him face the fact this year. He looked like he took it deeply but continued in a slightly different format later on and still destroyed the atmosphere.

= intentional. What are your birthdays like with him?

I have to say DH has never stopped me doing anything.

That's what I said to my Women's Aid support worker when she told me he had been controlling me. She asked if he tried to put me off anyone, friends or family - yes to all! It was a lightbulb moment.

We are a team but he's absolutely oblivious as to how he is. So much so he calls people out on stuff but does the same thing himself.

Hiding in plain sight. What a clever boy, getting away with it. He knows what he's doing. They can be very, very believable.

I’m in a totally different situation but crave that kind of life for different reasons.

My DH is a unicorn of a husband. He does more housework than me because he likes it, he’s kind, thoughtful, generous, supportive… I love him and don’t want to end my marriage.

BUT

I’ve never lived alone and I dream about what it would be like. I left home at 18 to escape my emotional terrorist of a mother. I shared a house with 4 people and then moved in with a boyfriend.

I then met DH and moved in with him after house sharing again for a year. I had DD and we’ve been together ever since.

I see women on Instagram in their own houses, answering to no one and responsible only for their cat who they adore. I dream about that kind of freedom from having to consider anyone else for once.

@Mintakan me neither. Got married young, divorced, went back home then met & married DH.

Yeah I’m always daydreaming about having a different life

I think that plays a huge part, for me certainly.

I often feel guilty because I daydream of a life alone yet have the most amazing husband. It’s a fantasy I’ll never make into reality.

@SecondLife I'm in sane position- including the business. I don't dislike my H at all-I've realised I don't like living with him much anymore. I find I constantly jump to his tune , and he's a moody bugger- the number of times we've walked away from a shop/attraction/ event because a queue annoyed him etc and I then end up following him trailing behind .

@Dodecaheidyin The only dream I had was my life without my husband in it. I wasn't fussed for anything else, just no him.
Absolutely this. If he suggested we change things and get a cottage, that's not what I want.

= intentional. What are your birthdays like with him?
Breakfast in bed from DH & DS with the usual "competition" as to whose card makes me cry. DH has a real jealousy/feels hard done by, that I favour our son (or anyone else's opinion) over him in everything. He blew his top when my DSis had forgotten to send a birthday card for his big one. He was miffed a lot of our Christmas cards had my name before his.

That's what I said to my Women's Aid support worker when she told me he had been controlling me. She asked if he tried to put me off anyone, friends or family - yes to all! It was a lightbulb moment.
Occasionally.

Hiding in plain sight. What a clever boy, getting away with it. He knows what he's doing. They can be very, very believable.
It doesn't seem conscious though. Perhaps it's so natural....

@SecondLife would something like this support you?

just leaving this quote with you from Dodie Smith “We lose more women to marriage than war, famine, and disease.”

Hi OP, I was exactly where you are just over 4 years ago. The scales fell from my eyes (thanks to posters on MN and reading 'Why Does He Do That?) and I was shocked to find that all of the things I had excused for years were not OK. My DCs were late teens and we had been together for nearly 30 years so it was a very difficult decision to untangle everything.

Today I'm in my own home and have had the most relaxing Christmas ever. I no longer have that tight feeling in my stomach as I try to anticipate what I might say or do to annoy him or have to bear another spoiled family occasion.

It took about 18 months for me to finally decide it was over and another 18 months to get the divorce and house sale sorted. I rented for a year then bought my lovely home this year. It'd not a little cottage but it's just perfect for me.

The divorce was ugly, he was pretty vile, but I held fast and I can honestly say I'm very happy now. I was worried about being lonely but I find I love my own company and the DCs say they can see the change in me. My relationship with them has gone from strength to strength as they saw what was happening and how he behaved. They still see him and love him but know my reasons for leaving were sound.

I won't say it's easy, it can be really hard but my family and friends were superb and counselling helped me a lot. Good luck OP, that future can be yours.