Feeling trapped. Does anyone dream of a different life?

[SecondLife]

NC for this.

Just wondered if people create a different life in their heads? Not one with lots of money necessarily but a different set-up altogether.

After coming back to MN after a long time and reading about controlling relationships, the crushing realisation is that I am in one.

I believe in my gut I've always known it but seeing it written down in black and white has brought me to my senses.

Obviously I need to deal with it but don't yet know how. We have huge commitments and 30 years of being together.

In the meantime I am lost in my own dream world.

I have a life in my head which is very different to my current life: my own 2 bed cottage, open fire and possibly a dog. Freedom to work in a field that will fill my soul and to live a life where I don't have to alter myself, my reactions or to over-ride my true thoughts or opinions to fall in line with him. To live a life being the real me, flourishing, rather than dancing to his tune to keep the peace. Perhaps it's just a fantasy to keep me sane!

Do you have another life in your head or is it just me imagining how it could be?

Sorry, this should read:
Breakfast in bed from DH & DS with the usual "competition" as to whose card makes me cry. DH has a real jealousy/feels hard done by, if I ever favour our son (or anyone else's opinion) over him in anything.

Yes, since lockdown and both WFH some days I feel absolutely suffocated. Feel like I can't do anything without being watched, not necessarily in a bad way just watched. It's draining.

It doesn't seem conscious though. Perhaps it's so natural....

I hear you. I tried to catch my husband out one time and his reaction reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. It is natural to them because their world is very different to reality.

DH has a real jealousy/feels hard done by, that I favour our son (or anyone else's opinion) over him in everything. He blew his top when my DSis had forgotten to send a birthday card for his big one. He was miffed a lot of our Christmas cards had my name before his.

Narcissistic injury. His and only his opinion should be the one you agree with, or even listen to. I'd be very surprised if your sister is not now on his 'list'. Same for the people putting your name before his, how dare they, can they not see he is the man - the important one! All of the things you have mentioned have dented his fragile ego, hence the rage.

My decision feels like it would be catastrophic though.

It would for him, how dare you think for yourself! It would be so good for you though

I don't think it would do you any harm to speak to Women's Aid, get some RL support and work out how best to handle him and deal with things in a way that will keep you as safe as possible.

I really empathise with this.

I was three children in, felt shackled by life. Good career, we had a very equal partnership - both went part time, did true 50/50 on childcare and housework. There certainly was no guilty party/abuse/affairs etc

I had lived alone before and knew I loved that life. There was a good 21 year gap between stopping that and getting itchy feet.

My advice is don't dream,plan! I knew my lifestyle and financials would be hit hard but didn't care. If your dream is a modest one it's a willing sacrifice.

I saved up and reconciled myself to losing a lot of assets. You need to be willing to let stuff go.

When I pulled the plug my wife was not happy and did get combative. Said she would take the house - fine, already accepted it's loss and had saved for somewhere modest I would be happy in. Ok, no effect there so I want half the pension pot as well - again fine, I can get by on whats left.

You never know how your spouse will react and they (rightly) will probably be upset and go into 'revenge' mode. I think my wife was infuriated that I had factored in HUGE financial losses and sacrifices. There was no revenge to be had.

So plan, be ready to walk away from anything other than children, ensure your future dreams are modest and be ready to cause hurt.

Thankyou for your responses.

@Dodecaheidyin Bang on. He has always been intolerant of DSis, (I have a feeling she "has his number") and that really riled him. It was 2020 he blew up about her, my DM and his thoughts about a friend completely out of the blue after I corrected him about an unrelated topic. Said I constantly undermined him. DS and I completely shocked at his outburst. I ended up apologising which I now regret.

To those who are out the other side, how did you approach it with your spouse? Did you plan a conversation?

@balthusdiree I have only 5 things (4 are replaceable)I'd want to keep which is quite sad after 30 years but I'm not remotely materialistic. I would quite happily go without asking for anything but obviously have a right to my share.

But he isn’t a good husband and amazing father. You’ve said you’re in a controlling relationship. That means he’s definitely not a good husband and father. So many women write that very same thing on MN threads, I’m sure that they’re so used to being controlled they actually believe a man can do this and still be “a good husband”. @Dodecaheidyin has him sussed.

@closingscore That is so sad. You’re actually allowing other people to choose your clothes and hairstyle? Why are you so afraid of their judgment?

You're right @FictionalCharacter

I thought he was my rock but the past couple of days of messages has made me realise he's not.

Now I have my eyes open I am looking at a stranger and feel so stupid for being weak.

However also thanks to pp's showing it is possible, I have slight excitement of having the kind of life I have dreamed of.

@Dreamingofsheep your post shows how it can be done, thankyou.

DS is 17 and regularly calls Dh out. Unfortunately Dh has become pretty vocally misogynistic and I don't want Ds to think it's acceptable. I think this is spurring me on more.

I used to cope with cognitive dissonance by convincing myself that my ex was “a good man” just with a couple of flaws.

I thought I had my epiphany when I realised he wasn’t a good man, because of the way he was starting to treat DS, but I think the real understanding comes when you realise it doesn’t matter if they are bad or good or somewhere in between, you are allowed to leave for no other reason than because you want to.

I think viewing them as “bad” can help you find your anger and give you the push to leave though.

Epiphany is exactly what I'm now feeling in amongst a load of other emotions. Actually feel bolstered by the lovely people on here.

my own 2 bed cottage, open fire and possibly a dog. Freedom to work in a field that will fill my soul and to live a life where I don't have to alter myself, my reactions or to over-ride my true thoughts or opinions to fall in line with him. To live a life being the real me, flourishing, rather than dancing to his tune to keep the peace. Perhaps it's just a fantasy to keep me sane!

This is a very achievable goal. You just have to commit.

@Haveagentlechristmas This is so nice to read, thankyou.

Another one here.

Dream about a cosy house, dog, etc but the most important thing is dancing to my own tune, not someone else's.

I moved abroad to be with dh and am really starting to resent certain aspects of where I now live ( can't move really as kids are still little et).

I think (cheesy as it sounds) your daydreams are your soul telling you what it needs. It's not usual to constantly daydream about another life, but if your minds keep going to another place then rather than dismissing it you should go there. Your subconscious is telling you what you need to do. Listen to it. You only live once - staying somewhere not right for you will only in sadness.

In my case it resulted in a huge breakdown. Over time I felt increasingly trapped, and the life I had bore no relation to any life I wanted.

The scale of the crisis triggered big life changes, and I'm much happier now. But I wish I'd had the courage to make changes before everything reached meltdown.

At the very least you could start to dream a few dreams, think about some 'what ifs'.

hi i get how you feel, i loved my husband dearly, yet he chooses to lie. constantly about the smallest of things. ive been kept in the dark about things i should have known, something hasn't been right for yrs all started when he abandoned me when i needed him most, he denied it of course and it took 13 months to get and apology.
i have various health issues, and need help with thiongs but the little lies i found when i'd ask him or prove it i was gaslit on every occasion, we moved house and 6 weeks after he has left me, but is claiming i threw him out. NOT TRUE. i've walked on eggshells around him for years he is never wrong . a member of the public called the police on him once for his aggression towards me, i let it go for the sake of his job IDIOT.
yes i loved him he had changed but i'm slowly realising that he was like this all along. its so bizarre how it ended. with in 2 weeks he is with another woman cast us out as if we are nothing. he wants me to be all understanding, but he doesn't want to understand me, or try. i believe he has been with this woman for yrs, i. It was so emotionally draining as i'd have to give up my feelings sanity for peace, what i said only mattered if he chose it that way.
i've been left in such a mess, we moved rurally and, i know no one, i'm miles away from friends etc. he has a nice christmas with the knew woman, im ok with that to be fair, he would withhold affection, i'd have to ask, when i said nice things to him he would twist them into something they never were, its great having peace and quiet but i don't know what im to do regards money the house, he controls everything. he had his name password, email on my bank account changed all direct debits into his name when we first got together it was my house all bills had my name on them how has he taken them off. the things i'm finding are unreal, no one believes you anyway when you do speak up as he is so kind to everyone else sorry rant over

Whenever I tried to raise anything with him he took to his bed for days on end or immediately went and threw up. Pathetic. I couldn't end the marriage, it had to be his decision. TF for the OW.

I ended up apologising which I now regret

That's how they manipulate us to behave. Neither are you stupid or weak. It's very difficult to see the wood for the trees when you're in such a relationship. They keep your head so full of them intentionally, so you don't have the space to see the bigger picture. I honestly thought I was going out of my mind at times with my then husband but it wasn't until I was free I could see it.

I did plan a conversation to tell him I was finished and starting divorce proceedings.

I waited until the DCs were out for a while and steeled myself. As I expected, he was livid and wanted to debate my decision while telling me how much I'd regret it. He said no one would love me like him and I wouldn't cope alone.

I had expected this reaction and had decided that my answer to everything would be to say that this was my decision and it was going to happen. I managed to go ' grey rock' and just repeat that. After a while of his ranting I said I didn't want to discuss it further right now and I walked away. I was shattered inside but so proud of myself.

He made many attempts after that to guilt, shame and gaslight me but I just kept telling him it wasn't a debate, it was my decision.

It's really hard but so good when it's done.

@mackthepony are any of the things changeable? Does your DH know these things are making you unhappy? I wonder if the kids being younger makes them more adaptable?

@hoowhoo not cheesy at all! but very aligned with how I see it.

I do, but in a different way. In my head I'm the person I would have been if years of bullying hadn't ruined my childhood and teens.

I hope you get your cottage and the dog, OP.

@PotteringPondering sorry to read it got so awful getting to the point you are now at.

I'm aways telling friends the "what if I fall/what if I fly" quote. I need to apply that!

@offtherecord it's not ranting but offloading. We're all here supporting each other.

@Crikeyalmighty blimey that takes some strength. I can imagine myself getting tied up in knots with explanations.