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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling trapped. Does anyone dream of a different life?

113 replies

SecondLife · 23/12/2022 12:54

NC for this.

Just wondered if people create a different life in their heads? Not one with lots of money necessarily but a different set-up altogether.

After coming back to MN after a long time and reading about controlling relationships, the crushing realisation is that I am in one.

I believe in my gut I've always known it but seeing it written down in black and white has brought me to my senses.

Obviously I need to deal with it but don't yet know how. We have huge commitments and 30 years of being together.

In the meantime I am lost in my own dream world.

I have a life in my head which is very different to my current life: my own 2 bed cottage, open fire and possibly a dog. Freedom to work in a field that will fill my soul and to live a life where I don't have to alter myself, my reactions or to over-ride my true thoughts or opinions to fall in line with him. To live a life being the real me, flourishing, rather than dancing to his tune to keep the peace. Perhaps it's just a fantasy to keep me sane!

Do you have another life in your head or is it just me imagining how it could be?

OP posts:
Original poster
SecondLife · 27/12/2022 13:00

butterfliedtwo · 27/12/2022 12:46

I do, but in a different way. In my head I'm the person I would have been if years of bullying hadn't ruined my childhood and teens.

I hope you get your cottage and the dog, OP.

Have you had CBT or similar to rewrite your past?

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 27/12/2022 13:01

I dream of being able to go food shopping and not have to get the cheapest possible items and count every penny.

butterfliedtwo · 27/12/2022 13:03

SecondLife · 27/12/2022 13:00

Have you had CBT or similar to rewrite your past?

Show quote history

I haven't yet as I don't have the money, but I have GP appointment in January to see what help is available. I'm not in the UK.

So, I'm hoping something will be possible in 2023.

butterfliedtwo · 27/12/2022 13:04

LindaEllen · 27/12/2022 13:01

I dream of being able to go food shopping and not have to get the cheapest possible items and count every penny.

Utterly relatable.

Bestcatmum · 27/12/2022 13:04

SecondLife · 26/12/2022 20:21

To those who are out the other side, how did you approach it with your spouse? Did you plan a conversation?

Absolutely not OP, he will shout you down and say no to everything.
You go to a solicitor and get him presented with divorce papers - no discussion, you are in charge now.
You take every single thing you are entitled to - you will regret it horribly years down the line when you can't afford the life that you want.
I won't lie, it's really really tough and there will be a shitstorm but it's worth every second to get the life you want. You'll need to be brave.
Single life is more expensive that couples life and you have your kids to think off - you'll need to have an inheritance to leave them because you can't rely on your husband to do that.
My ex wasted every penny of his half and now has nothing but luckily I have a house to leave to my DS.
I fought for every damned thing. But the wonderful peace and happiness I feel now is just heaven.
I look back to facebook memories from 10 years ago and think did I really live with that man.

Original poster
SecondLife · 27/12/2022 13:14

This morning felt like it was all good. Infact I wondered if I was over reacting in my head and being dramatic.

However a work issue was messing him around so he was getting a bit frustrated. Then I asked him as he was going out if he'd remembered to take a certain thing, to which he must have taken offence to as paused then didn't answer. Silly me for checking, to stop him having a wasted journey! Lesson learnt.

Tbh there are so many times he is intolerant or irritated by me that I wonder if he would like to split.

When he blew up about me undermining him he did say if I don't stop it, it's over. From that point I realised he wasn't as committed to me as I thought.

OP posts:
ChampagneCommunist · 27/12/2022 13:20

I'm planning too. And very much looking forward to having @SecondLife and all you others to on this thread as my neighbours in our little houses and flats.

I'm saving and will try harder at that in 2023. Plus concentrating on getting rid of stuff, as I have too much for my dream home.

Me, the cat and my daughter (if she wants).

I'm planning a simple eco-home with a little garden with mainly pots in

Original poster
SecondLife · 27/12/2022 13:24

@ChampagneCommunist sounds good to me!

OP posts:
AdelaideLane · 27/12/2022 13:27

My dream life would be to live and work in other European cities, fairly short term, an experience, filling hospitality jobs rather than needing to carry on with my profession. I'd want to do this with my DH, not alone.

When I feel I've explored and the city has become ‘normality’, I would move on to another exciting place and start again.

I wish I'd experienced this before I had my DC’s. Now I have the freedom and much more confidence. ( though presume since Brexit, my options will be limited or full of bureaucracy).

Original poster
SecondLife · 27/12/2022 13:30

@butterfliedtwo fingers crossed you get that support. Don't stop until you do.

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 27/12/2022 13:38

This morning felt like it was all good. Infact I wondered if I was over reacting in my head and being dramatic.

That's part of the pattern of abuse. They pull you in and push you away, pull you in again; you respond to whatever behaviour they present you with (very often internally as you wouldn't want to rile them by saying what you really think out loud!) and then they pull the rug from under you. Every. Fucking. Time.

Silly me for checking, to stop him having a wasted journey! Lesson learnt.

You would have been wrong if you hadn't checked. You would have been wrong if you'd wished him a safe journey. You would have been wrong no matter what you did. He wants to make you feel bad, unsure, unsettled. Especially if he's sensing your emotional withdrawal.

Tbh there are so many times he is intolerant or irritated by me that I wonder if he would like to split. When he blew up about me undermining him he did say if I don't stop it, it's over.

They're very good at threatening that. You could try saying yes (if you feel safe enough) and see what he says. If he agrees, he's got another 'supply'. If not, it's just more abuse tactics.

YOU make your decision, your plans, do the necessary preparations to start your new life. Stop believing anything he tells you, it's all bollocks for him to get what he wants.

I hadn't heard of the what if I fall thing, it's so good, thank you.

Notlivinglife · 27/12/2022 13:40

I dream of just having my own cosy double bedroom (with ensuite) so I don't have to share a bed with my hubby every night.
Bliss!

Original poster
SecondLife · 27/12/2022 13:44

Thankyou for your wise words @Dodecaheidyin

That lovely quote is: "What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?"

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 27/12/2022 13:46

SecondLife · 27/12/2022 13:30

@butterfliedtwo fingers crossed you get that support. Don't stop until you do.

Thank you.

Dodecaheidyin · 27/12/2022 14:00

That lovely quote is: "What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?"

Just perfect 😊

oviraptor21 · 27/12/2022 15:08

@offtherecord For utility bills you can just get in touch with the provider and tell them he's moved out and you want the bills in your name. Although I would make 100% sure I can afford the bills before doing this.
With banks etc easiest thing is to go into the bank with your ID so they can reset passwords.
Are you OK financially? If not, have a look to see if you might be entitled to benefits

www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

NotReallySure · 27/12/2022 15:11

My husband had been warned, but never took me seriously. I just bit the bullet, not easy, he went mad and has not calmed down yet (6 months). Very resentful but that's also his personality as he's out of control and had been crossed! There's no easy way, but definitely the hard bit is staying strong once you've made the decision because the guilt and wavering conviction is real! My 4 year old seems to be adapting fairly smoothly, my 6 year old more upset but coping. Generally both happy, it's early days here.
In my case so worth it, although there will always be hard times because of splitting. At least I'm me again, and confident.

Original poster
SecondLife · 27/12/2022 16:44

Thankyou for sharing your experience @NotReallySure. It's helpful to see potential reactions.

It seems the overriding advice is to absolutely stand firm and not waver. Not easy when we've been used/conditioned to backing down for so long.

OP posts:
Yetanothernamechangeagain · 27/12/2022 16:53

I found it helpful to write down all the sh!t things he had done over the years and if I ever felt like wavering read them back again

Original poster
SecondLife · 27/12/2022 17:32

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 27/12/2022 16:53

I found it helpful to write down all the sh!t things he had done over the years and if I ever felt like wavering read them back again

Good idea. How many pages though... 🙄

First time my stomach tightened/ I felt embarrassed was when we were dating. I said something he considered as wrong and said I had a "bad attitude". Still remember it now so it clearly affected me. I ignored my gut as everything else was so good. Older guy, more confident. He must be right....

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 27/12/2022 18:26

I ignored my gut as everything else was so good.

You could be writing my biography, @SecondLife. My mum put up with all manner of shit from my dad and men were always right so I just accepted something I had big doubts about because everything was otherwise good with him, at the time. I do think "if only ..." but that doesn't achieve anything so I try not to.

I've got bits of paper, notebooks and files on the laptop of all the ragey writings I did. It did help to get it all out and down on paper. It's good to see how far I've come when I read any of it now. You just have to do what's right for you at the time to get you through whatever you're going through.

Original poster
SecondLife · 27/12/2022 21:09

Same, regarding parents.

My lovely friend bought me a William Morris design notebook for Christmas. Far too pretty to be filled with ranty ramblings. A Word file will have to suffice....

OP posts:
offtherecord · 27/12/2022 22:13

thankyou for saying that, i'm knew to here well i' m knew to computers full stop. lol. you just need some one to talk to at times😁

Dodecaheidyin · 28/12/2022 14:08

William Morris notebooks are for writing down "What if I fall ..." type quotes and plans for your new life, @SecondLife 😊

Original poster
SecondLife · 28/12/2022 17:41

You are truly a gem @Dodecaheidyin

OP posts: