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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me understand who is in the wrong here

113 replies

OliveLover76 · 21/12/2022 21:52

DP and I have been together for 3 years. I have 2 DD14 & 16 one who has ADHD with ASD traits. DP has been staying all week so that he doesn’t miss Christmas with us due to the train strikes, when he said he would be working from home at my house during this time I made sure I explained that because the children are off school for Christmas I can’t make sure they’re quiet all day for his work, which he seemed to agree with. Yesterday my DD14 had a friend over and they got a bit noisy laughing and being silly in her room like teens do, to which he came to me and reported it. Earlier this evening she asked if her friend could come over again tomorrow and what time, to which my DP said “you were very noisy yesterday” she argued back about it and he didn’t like it so stormed off and has gone to bed in a mood because apparently I “didn’t deal with it” in the correct way. I had a chat to her when he stormed off and we cleared it up. But have I done something wrong here? I’m ADHD/ASD myself and sometimes can’t see where others are coming from.

Thanks x

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 21/12/2022 21:55

he didn’t like it so stormed off and has gone to bed in a mood because apparently I “didn’t deal with it” in the correct way.
wow. What a baby.

op,send him home.

Hiddenvoice · 21/12/2022 21:57

I think he was looking for you to say more of “you were quite noisy so it depends on if you can be quieter” or “maybe go out and play somewhere” rather than just asking what time to come over.
He was just looking for some support for you so that your dd respects him too. I don’t see it as a big deal compared to him but he might just be feeling a bit undermined.

Elsiebear90 · 21/12/2022 22:02

Can’t she hang out at her friend’s house or downstairs or just make less noise? I think he was probably expecting you to back him up with one of those suggestions. He’s not asking for anything unreasonable really, just some consideration.

Riverlee · 21/12/2022 22:10

“to which he came to me and reported it.”. That sentence stood out to me. Why didn’t he just ask the girls to keep the noise down a little, rather than telling tales.

The comment about being noisy yesterday was fair enough, and he could have asked for them to be a bit quieter. Obviously the way he said it annoyed dd and caused her to react. However, him storming off is childish.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You warned him that there could be typical teenage noise, and you had a chat with dd to be aware not to be too noisy if dp is working.

CongaLine · 21/12/2022 22:19

Yesterday my DD14 had a friend over and they got a bit noisy laughing and being silly in her room like teens do,

She's 14. It's the Christmas holidays and she was in her own room - not even in a communal area. She shouldn't have to take a vow of silence just because Mr Billy BigBalls has decided he wants to use your DD's home as an office.

And now he's sulking because he didn't get his own way?

I would be re-thinking your Christmas plans if this is how he's going to react to typical family life with teenagers.

Original poster
OliveLover76 · 21/12/2022 22:27

Thanks everyone. I was really worried about him WFH here in the first place because its Christmas and I like to have people over and let the teens enjoy themselves a bit, I should’ve put my foot down really but I felt bad that he might get stuck because of the train strike and then spend Christmas alone.

My DD did react a bit rudely, she’s got ADHD and has a strong sense of justice and felt like she wasn’t it the wrong, I knew if I had started disciplining her in that moment it would have made things 10x worse as she’s un medicated at the moment and has generally been quite good and helpful recently. I had a chat about it with her once he’d stormed off and explained and she apologised to me and that was that.

He’s not spoken to me all night despite me trying to start a conversation and has now fallen asleep so no idea where things stand.

OP posts:
AntiqueCestChic · 21/12/2022 22:30

So he's refusing to speak to you, sulking and creating a horrible atmosphere in YOUR home?

What a man-baby. I'd send him home tomorrow.

catandcoffee · 21/12/2022 22:33

Another person saying send him home.
Your Christmas is not going to be noisy and jolly with him around.

How dare he dictate what your children do in their home.

I'd be bloody angry about him giving me the silent treatment

mondaytosunday · 21/12/2022 22:36

There isn't a strike til the 24th, why is he there now?
If he wants to work from your house he has to allow and accommodate for family noise, not the other way around.

autienotnaughty · 21/12/2022 22:36

I'd expect teens to be relatively quiet (eg unlike toddlers!) however it isn't his house so he can't really dictate. I'd probably say next time it's maybe not suitable for him to work from ur home. Can he go elsewhere?

CongaLine · 21/12/2022 22:37

He’s not spoken to me all night despite me trying to start a conversation and has now fallen asleep so no idea where things stand.

How dare he come into your home, try to turn it into his workplace, and then strop and sulk because you haven't disciplined your child the way he wants you to!

If he stays, you're unlikely to be able to relax. You'll be worrying anytime your DD dares to laugh or talk to a friend. You've already started second guessing yourself about how to speak to your own children.

It's not going to be an enjoyable holiday for anyone if he stays.

Derbee · 21/12/2022 22:41

He’s not spoken to me all night despite me trying to start a conversation and has now fallen asleep so no idea where things stand.

Where things stand, is he needs to grow up and get over himself. If he’s going to sulk, he should go home tomorrow and have a serious think about whether he’s mature enough to be in a relationship with a family.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 21/12/2022 22:41

Please don't ever let him move on. Ime you will be forever apologising for your dc. In time resentment will set in. From both sides.
You should never feel stuck in the middle. Obviously you aren't but he will make you feel like you should be siding with him.

gamerchick · 21/12/2022 22:42

You've just had a taste of what living with him will be like. Tell him I'm the morning that WFH at your house isn't going to work and he should go home.

Sulking is abusive behaviour, nip the fucker in the bud.

TheCurseOfBoris · 21/12/2022 22:44

Please feck him off. Your DD sounds more reasonable than him. Can you bare that!

Fireflygal · 21/12/2022 22:48

I'm assuming you didn't think they made too much noise?

Silent treatment is toxic...never healthy and designed to wear you down. That really is a dumpable offence

bert3400 · 21/12/2022 22:48

It's not his house to dictate to your children - whose home it is . I would send him packing ...what an absolute bellend .

Confusedteacher · 21/12/2022 22:51

I would suggest he go and ‘work from
home’ in a cafe. Or better still back at his own house! It is the Christmas holidays, your DD is entitled to have a bit of fun wit hmm her friend in her bedroom!

TheShellBeach · 21/12/2022 23:09

Another vote for "This isn't going to end well" and I think you should bin him off.

JoanCandy · 21/12/2022 23:14

I assume he’s using a laptop or similar ? Can’t he go and sit in a cafe or library ?
He’s going to be a proper fun sponge to have around for Christmas, isn’t he ?

Justcallmebebes · 21/12/2022 23:19

Look at this as a glimpse into the future OP and really open your eyes. I get the initial noise irritation to a certain extent, but the fact he's now sulking and blanking you over it is a massive red flag.

Compromises need to be made to live together in harmony and everyone needs to come to the table. He's also come into your and your DD's home and he's not respecting that not to mention he's making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Not good

DontStopMeNow7 · 21/12/2022 23:26

The bigger potential issue is really his response to the whole thing. I wouldn’t decide anything right now but see how he is with you tomorrow when you attempt to talk about it. If you show understanding and fairness he should hopefully talk to you and be a grown up. But if storming off and silent treatment is his MO then this isn’t going to go well.
If he doesn’t have kids he might be a bit clueless. I would suggest that if he really does need peace and quiet this week that he goes home and comes back for Christmas if he wants to. Why can’t he drive to you??

Original poster
OliveLover76 · 22/12/2022 02:11

wow thanks for all the responses, food for thought for definite, I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that this isn’t the only incident this one just made me baffled because I’d already explained to him about noise previous to him arriving and how I was worried about it because I didn’t want to be the noise police (unless it was unreasonable). He’s always slightly touchy about noise even at weekends when he stays. The other day, because teens are always in and out of the fridge he said I should put a padlock on it, I obviously shut this down immediately but he was dead serious that I should do so, I said but that would make me life hard every time they wanted to eat I’d have to search for a key to unlock it.

In general he always has a negative thing to say or complain about, especially when it comes to my parenting and I always second guess myself and if I’m actually a shit ineffective parent. It’s not healthy is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
OliveLover76 · 22/12/2022 02:13

Obviously i parent differently to some because of ADHD/ASD my own and my teens. I don’t like the silent treatment it really upsets me.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 22/12/2022 02:44

Put your kids first and get rid of them before they end up resenting you got ever. He sounds very unpleasant

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