Help me understand who is in the wrong here

[OliveLover76]

DP and I have been together for 3 years. I have 2 DD14 & 16 one who has ADHD with ASD traits. DP has been staying all week so that he doesn’t miss Christmas with us due to the train strikes, when he said he would be working from home at my house during this time I made sure I explained that because the children are off school for Christmas I can’t make sure they’re quiet all day for his work, which he seemed to agree with. Yesterday my DD14 had a friend over and they got a bit noisy laughing and being silly in her room like teens do, to which he came to me and reported it. Earlier this evening she asked if her friend could come over again tomorrow and what time, to which my DP said “you were very noisy yesterday” she argued back about it and he didn’t like it so stormed off and has gone to bed in a mood because apparently I “didn’t deal with it” in the correct way. I had a chat to her when he stormed off and we cleared it up. But have I done something wrong here? I’m ADHD/ASD myself and sometimes can’t see where others are coming from.

Thanks x

OP please put your children first and get rid of the man baby!! My ex-step dad was exactly like this with us and he and my mum were always arguing because of it! It didn't last! One rule for him and another for everyone else, it wasn't a happy home for quite some time 😔

@OliveLover76 your posts about your boyfriend are making me feel really tense.

He sounds intolerant and demanding and that's not good for you or your kids.

I don't think he should be around them at all if he can't be inclusive and accepting of them.

Please, please send him home. He sounds like a drain. I bet your dd’s will be much happier without him around. I note he doesn’t live with children, does he even have any to be telling you how to parent? He isn’t the man for you. He’s patronising, dictatorial and eroding your confidence.

He sounds dreadful. Clearly he's way out of order on working-from-not-HIS-home; if it's not quiet enough for his work, he needs to find somewhere else. The local library, or a decent pair of noise-cancelling headphones should solve that problem.

However, this seems to be part of a bigger problem where he has been undermining you and criticising you. He’s always always said I’m not effective enough in my parenting and always commenting on things at home and how I need to do things differently and change them. Who the fuck does he think he is?

There is one thing you need to do differently, and that's stop putting up with his bullshit. Pop him back on a train before the strikes.

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So many red flags.

Doesn't appreciate how much of a favour you are doing him.

I would be telling him you agreed he could work here as a favour to to ensure he could get here for Christmas. But if its not working out for him he can go home.

To be honest I would be seriously considering the future of the relationship after this.

Does he have any positive features?

I suppose the positives ( for the person who asked ) are that he’s very affectionate, makes me feel attractive and we do have laughs together sometimes.

There are quite a lot of negatives in our relationship, the main one being around my parenting. The others being his constant negativity around most things in life, even minor inconveniences really annoy him whereas I’m a lot more laid back and can work around them. I’d say a lot of the time I’m on edge around him and I know that’s not healthy at all. My therapist and I have been talking about this a lot recently and I think I’m coming to the conclusion that actually I’m doing amazingly and I’m NOT being unreasonable in my parenting, my teens aren’t feral, yes they’re noisy and messy, eat everything in sight and make normal teenage mistakes, especially being neurodivergent, but they’re not abusing me, on drugs, wandering the streets at all hours, drinking and all that.

If DD plays her tiktoks out loud he also leaves the room and complains and I get it, sometimes they annoy me too, but I’m also guilty of watching things like that out loud too so I don’t tell her not to do it too often unless I’m watching stuff.

Red flags all over. I do not like sulkers, they really put me on edge so it would be a hard NO from me now. Send him home.

If you were married then the silent treatment is actually grounds for divorce.. It is now seen as a form of abuse. Should your dd be witnessing this sort of relationship as an example of how adult relationships work?
Definitely not op... A better Christmas and life lies by kicking his arse back through your door and slamming it shut.

He's trying to drive a wedge between you and your dc op. Please wake up. Re read the posts from posters who've had to endure awful partners of their mothers and how it ruined their teen years.

I agree and I’m someone who likes total silence when I’m working, but this is your children’s home and it’s the Christmas holidays. He was warned beforehand so he will just have to deal with it. The storming off was a bit OTT too. If anything I’d have expected that kind of behaviour from your teens.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable but this man is a huge red flag. Please listen to others about how partners like him ruin things for the children. He is commenting a lot on your parenting skills , and seems stressed out and angry when teens are being teens - just curious, does he have any himself /have a lot of experience with kids?

Seriously, you are having to discuss him and how he makes you feel with your therapist.

This is not your children's father and you don't even live together. He is imposing his will in your home. That's your place; where you get take the rules and decide what's acceptable amd if he doesn't like it then he's the one who has to leave. You amd your daughters don't have to change the way you do anything.

I mean really, who des he think he is. Amd going you the silent treatment in your own home?

And he gets annoyed by little inconveniences and moans amd complains a lot.

His positives are ethat he makes you feel attractive and you can laugh sometimes

This is not a good man nor a good relationship.

I agree with the poster who said reading this is making her feel tense. The first thing I did when I woke this morning was read your thread to see how things were going.

Please tell him to leave. Who cares if he is spending Christmas alone? I wouldn't want him at my house casting a shadow over Christmas with my children. Do you really?

Imagine a calm Christmas without all this shit...

Yours and your DD’s responses sound v neurotypical to me! This is a very ‘average’ problem. I guess with ASD you would question if that is affecting it. It’s really not. He’s intolerant. You and your DD are behaving as any average NT person would. This is most definitely a ‘him’ problem!

and he’s always always said I’m not effective enough in my parenting and always commenting on things at home and how I need to do things differently and change them.

So this man that doesn’t parent any of his own children thinks he has the right to come into your teenagers homes and start telling you how to parent? OP that is a million miles away from being ok. Please don’t force your children to spend their Christmas pandering to this man child. They should not have the example of a healthy relationship being their mother walking on eggshells around an ungrateful, miserable man.

He's sulking because he's realised you (rightfully) put your DCs needs and happiness before him in their own home. Does he think he has an "IMPORTANT JOB"? 😉
Hopefully he has apologised today for acting like a teenager by sulking and stropping. If not, I'd suggest he calls an uber and goes to work from his own quiet as a grave home. Whether he returns to you for Xmas depends on his apology.

This has hit the nail on the head. He gets stressed out and angry at any minor thing, especially chaos of children and teens. His standards on how they should behave are very high sometimes in my opinion, unrealistically high for neurodivergent ones, however he always manages to convince me he’s right and that if I don’t change things they’re going to turn into awful people - something I’m really frightened of. I guess that stems back to being a single mother and all the stigma that comes from that and being on benefits, I don’t want to be THAT parent iykwim.

I really do appreciate everyone’s help on understanding the situation a bit better and for making me realise I’m not being nonchalant and lacking in parental skills.

I suppose I've stayed in the relationship because my own neurodivergence means I’m highly sensitive and I don’t take losing people or perceived rejection very well at all. That’s something I need to overcome because as everyone has rightly pointed out this isn’t a healthy relationship for me or my girls and my gut has been screaming at me and I’ve been ignoring it time and time again.

Get him out of your house.

You are allowing a man who doesn't live with you to boss your daughter, order her around, tell her who she can have over in HER home.

He will ruin Christmas for your girls.

Get him out today.

YOU are very wrong to allow this.

He's a bullying sulker and you are accepting this behaviour from him.

Do the right thing and get him out of your home.

Stop choosing this loser ahead of your daughters.

You are in the wrong.

Wrong for letting a new boyfriend into your house and stamp his rules and aggression over your teenage daughter. You need to be far better at role modelling choosing a partner for a healthy & positive relationship.

14 is a pivotal age - drive her away now because "mums boyfriend is at home and he's awful to me" and you risk all sorts of damaging teenage behaviours. Her having a friend over giggling in her room is exactly what you want her to be doing at 14!! He may prefer her out of sight / out of mind but that's not what's safest for her.

This is what I meant by the above

With all respect, OP, and I think you really see this already, this man is not someone who is good to have around your dc. I’d ask him to go home and enjoy Christmas your way, allowing your children to relax. You’re on eggshells around him? That’s awful!

You have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. You have a right to ask anyone who affects you and makes you feel anxious to leave your home. Protect your sanctuary.

In general he always has a negative thing to say or complain about, especially when it comes to my parenting.
And his constant negativity around most things in life, even minor inconveniences really annoy him …. I’d say a lot of the time I’m on edge around him

Sorry OP, it’s not about teenagers being noisy, is it? It’s him: negative, judgemental, intolerant, making you feel on edge. You don’t need someone like that in your or DCs’ home.

I'm ND and see protecting my kids as my primary job. I would not allow a man or family member to behave like this.
Your children have not been unreasonable at all. Actually none of their behaviours described in your post sound ND- my NT teens do the same sometimes but are apologetic and will tidy mess which helps. (I'm a single parent too)
Send him home today. Silent treatment is cruel and his house will be nice and quiet for him. Your kids deserve a fun Christmas holiday and you shouldn't be apologising to a man whose parenting ideas are unrealistic and plain bizarre. Your kids are humans and not robots. His presence is literally ruining their childhoods.

Rejection and loss sensitivity is rough but try to look at it like when you dump him you are rejecting him and gaining peace of mind for you as well as protecting your kids from his critical and unreasonable behaviour.

You sound like a lovely mum. He has no right to tell you how to parent or put your kids down and make you scared they will turn out badly. Trust yourself, not this guy who has no parenting experience of his own and lives his life through a lens of criticising everything.