Help me understand who is in the wrong here

[OliveLover76]

DP and I have been together for 3 years. I have 2 DD14 & 16 one who has ADHD with ASD traits. DP has been staying all week so that he doesn’t miss Christmas with us due to the train strikes, when he said he would be working from home at my house during this time I made sure I explained that because the children are off school for Christmas I can’t make sure they’re quiet all day for his work, which he seemed to agree with. Yesterday my DD14 had a friend over and they got a bit noisy laughing and being silly in her room like teens do, to which he came to me and reported it. Earlier this evening she asked if her friend could come over again tomorrow and what time, to which my DP said “you were very noisy yesterday” she argued back about it and he didn’t like it so stormed off and has gone to bed in a mood because apparently I “didn’t deal with it” in the correct way. I had a chat to her when he stormed off and we cleared it up. But have I done something wrong here? I’m ADHD/ASD myself and sometimes can’t see where others are coming from.

Thanks x

Is he actually gone?

He's one nasty cheeky fxxker imposing on your home, upsetting your daughter, emotionally abusing you with sulking.

Really handy for his heating bill to move into your home.

He's so awful.

Your poor children.

You need to cop on and text him its over.

Stop failing your children by putting this nasty CF ahead of them.

You've been doubting your instincts because of your neurodiversity and because of his constant undermining. However, you are spot on in my opinion. I'm glad your DD stood up to him when he told her she was being too loud. It's frankly got sod all to do with him how you parent her, and everyone knows with teens you have to choose your battles anyway.

I don't think you need to see him in person to break up with him, to be honest I would do it by phone tomorrow (he can hardly be shocked under the circs) and get it out of the way before Christmas Day itself.

Either way I hope you and your DDs can enjoy the day now in peace.

Is he actually gone?
If he isn't (and I really hope he is), get him out the door pronto tomorrow as last trains will be early afternoon.

I’m going to ask MN to take this down now because I’ve put a lot of personal identifiers in the thread. I will be starting another support thread though.

Do it by text and get it over with before Christmas.

Think of it as a gift to your children.

You can do it by text OP. Sometimes this is better if you know he isn't going to let you get out what you want to say.

💐

I remember OP. By text is fine and the safest. You owe him absolutely nothing. He's a nasty child hating bullying little turd. Do you have any male family members or male friends close by if needed?

I'm so glad you're ending it. You and your DC deserve better.

Thank you. I always felt text was an awful way to do it, but like someone else said above I don’t think he’d allow me to get my point across without making me feel like I was totally in the wrong.

Do I need to tell him the reasons I’m ending it or just keep it, sorry it’s just not working?

I don't think you need to give him reasons. You just don't want to continue the relationship. If he hounds you for reasons you just keep repeating that you don't want to continue the relationship.

I would.give him as little as possible so you're not inviting a response.

Eg

"I've decided this relationship isn't right for me. So I won't be seeing you again. I wish you well"

No apology; no dialogue. The only appropriate response to that is a variation on, "ok".

Tbh, he's going to know why it is - he's not an idiot. You don't owe him any more than that.

It sounds harsh but, once sent, you are going to feel a weight has been lifted.

Don't say 'sorry'. I know you want to be kind but some people men take it as a sign of weakness and an indicator that you can be talk round/persuaded otherwise.

You need to be definite, assertive and final.

If he asks why, all you need to say is, "I've decided it's not working for me" rinse and repeat. He'll soon get bored of asking.

At that point the insults may start to try and goad you into a response.

Just ignore. Ignore all of it.

Neither of you are wrong. Just different expectations around teen behaviour. He’s going to be better off with someone else who is similar to him in regards to acceptable behaviour from children and you’d be better to find someone who is more relaxed with fewer boundaries.

As @GreyCarpet has written, no apologies in any shape or form.

No need for any reasons.

A simple:

"Its just not working for me"
"I dont want to see you again"
"This isn't what I want"
"I'm no longer interested in seeing you".

Offer no excuses no matter how hard he pushes.

Refuse to see him.
Tell him not to come to your home.

Be clear and brutal in your language.

He's a bully, so be very clear.