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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me understand who is in the wrong here

113 replies

OliveLover76 · 21/12/2022 21:52

DP and I have been together for 3 years. I have 2 DD14 & 16 one who has ADHD with ASD traits. DP has been staying all week so that he doesn’t miss Christmas with us due to the train strikes, when he said he would be working from home at my house during this time I made sure I explained that because the children are off school for Christmas I can’t make sure they’re quiet all day for his work, which he seemed to agree with. Yesterday my DD14 had a friend over and they got a bit noisy laughing and being silly in her room like teens do, to which he came to me and reported it. Earlier this evening she asked if her friend could come over again tomorrow and what time, to which my DP said “you were very noisy yesterday” she argued back about it and he didn’t like it so stormed off and has gone to bed in a mood because apparently I “didn’t deal with it” in the correct way. I had a chat to her when he stormed off and we cleared it up. But have I done something wrong here? I’m ADHD/ASD myself and sometimes can’t see where others are coming from.

Thanks x

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 22/12/2022 03:02

Does he have to use the train? There are trains today and tomorrow and there are coaches if you want to suggest he goes home. If he can't focus on work around normal household noise and normal teenage behaviour then he really needs to go home.

The silent treatment is deeply unpleasant and another reason for you to suggest he returns home, so you can both function. You need to think about things, OP. I don't think this relationship is working for you, to put it mildly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2022 03:04

He's working in her home, she's not entertaining in his office.

And I don't enforce nonsense on my girl with ADHD either. Strong sense of justice is good. Sulky nobber storming around in your house isn't.

You probably have to throw this one back. Sorry.

KateBalesCardi · 22/12/2022 03:11

It's not you OP, it's him. He's essentially a guest in your home, would you behave like that if you were the guest? No, thought not. He's throwing his weight around with you, your home and, most importantly, your DC and I would be making sure he gets a train home before the strike on Christmas Eve.

The fact that he feels able/entitled to complain about something you warned him would be happening (the noise) and that, as a guest he has no right/manners to mention is a massive red flag. He's trying to assert his authority (the lock on the fridge comment etc) before he's even got his feet properly under the table and that would have me running for the hills. Sorry OP but I think he's bad news for you and DC Flowers

DrSmoot · 22/12/2022 03:15

My DM had a partner like this. Moved him is with us when I was a similar age to your DD.
Absolutely ruined my teens and caused my sister to leave home at 16 because she couldn’t bear to be around him.
Please don’t put him before your DD. Tell him to go home.

AutumnCrow · 22/12/2022 03:28

DrSmoot · 22/12/2022 03:15

My DM had a partner like this. Moved him is with us when I was a similar age to your DD.
Absolutely ruined my teens and caused my sister to leave home at 16 because she couldn’t bear to be around him.
Please don’t put him before your DD. Tell him to go home.

I wish this damage was more talked about. Children were supposed to be happy to have a 'father figure' in their lives when in reality it was mum's new boyfriend invading their privacy, dignity and sense of security.

Andypandy799 · 22/12/2022 03:40

@OliveLover76 sorry but he needs to go. It’s your dd house and no one should feel uncomfortable in there own home. He’s a guest and should be bending over backwards. I would tell him if he doesn’t like noise he knows where to go.

Also the comment regarding the fridge Wtaf 😱

He doesn’t sound like a keeper for me and I think like others say throw him back in the pond

lunar1 · 22/12/2022 03:49

Ask him to go home, no point in him being there if he's given you the silent treatment!

DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 03:51

I still want to know why he’s not just driving to OP’s house at the end of the working week.

Monty27 · 22/12/2022 03:56

Send him home and enjoy Christmas having fun with your family. They're always first. He sounds like a controlling prick anyway. Better off without him.

FlowerArranger · 22/12/2022 04:12

Both your rational mind and your gut are screaming at you, @OliveLover76 .

I'd suggest you listen to both💐

Ponderingwindow · 22/12/2022 04:20

DH and I have wfh since our now teenage dd was born. We have big, serious jobs that require focus. We only request quiet in extremely rare circumstances and make special arrangements for those circumstances in advance.

the only thing to handle here was his overstepping in the household. He shouldn’t be intervening at all, that is you job if there is an actual problem. if they were being excessively loud for any random day, then you should tell them to stop, but they should not have to keep the volume down just because he is working.

If you teen pushed back against his overstepping, you should be proud of her for standing up for herself.

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2022 05:14

Put your teenagers first and ask him to go home - it’s clearly not working

AmIbeingTreasonable · 22/12/2022 05:37

He's given you a gift here by showing his true colours before this relationship goes any further, I'd be getting rid now!

ClarathecrosseyedLioness · 22/12/2022 05:46

He’s not spoken to me all night despite me trying to start a conversation and has now fallen asleep so no idea where things stand.

Time to tell this babyish, selfish, entitled tw@t to hits the bricks OP. If he can't accept that teenagers can be noisy then he needs to go. Permanently

You want a partner, not another teenager in the house.

Takenoprisoner · 22/12/2022 05:56

This is so unfair on your girls. He's got all the makings of a controlling and abusive bully.

Get him gone. Today. Can you imagine spending Christmas with this man, you'd be walking around on eggshells as will your girls.

isthismylifenow · 22/12/2022 06:06

There must be other ways he can get to your house for Christmas, imo there is usually always a plan b option.

So now you are walking on eggshells as your dd is wanting her friend over, and she can, but under his conditions.

I think the train strike is an excuse, he should go home where it's quiet for him to work and he come back when isnt working.

I have always worked from home, so yes I get that noise is frustrating. But I would never plonk myself in someone else's home and except them to have to shush and shuffle around quietly for me. I'd stay home and go there when I'm not working.

pinkfondu · 22/12/2022 06:17

I'm struggling to see why you would want this person in your home with your children?

GreyCarpet · 22/12/2022 06:31

I think the easiest thing to do now would be to tell him to leave when he gets up. This is yours and your daughters' home. Not his home, not his workplace and certainly not anywhere he has any authority. I would personally tell him to leave when he gets up because I wouldn't tolerate anyone giving me the silent treatment in my own home. I certainly wouldn't tolerate the attitude towards your teens or comments on my parenting.

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 06:37

Fuck that OP, your dd did nothing wrong! And your DP is a guest in her home, he doesn’t get to come in and dictate a change on the way she’s always lived.

Protect your children and your future relationship with them and get rid of this man. He is a twat.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/12/2022 06:56

He’s not spoken to me all night despite me trying to start a conversation and has now fallen asleep so no idea where things stand.
id be asking him to leave this morning. This is appalling.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 22/12/2022 07:01

I would ask him to leave.

He is acting childish.

sorrynotathome · 22/12/2022 07:06

Of course the kids were too noisy - teenage girls are the very definition of too noisy. You should never have agreed to this and he should also have known better. Go to a cafe or go home. Don’t make it about defending the indefensible.

Original poster
OliveLover76 · 22/12/2022 07:10

I really appreciate all the responses, it’s good to hear I’m not being unreasonable here because he does always make me feel like I’m the one in the wrong, and he’s always always said I’m not effective enough in my parenting and always commenting on things at home and how I need to do things differently and change them.

In response to the question about driving here on Christmas Eve, he doesn’t drive.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 22/12/2022 07:11

In general he always has a negative thing to say or complain about, especially when it comes to my parenting and I always second guess myself and if I’m actually a shit ineffective parent. It’s not healthy is it?

The more you post, the worse he gets. You need to ask him to go home. He can have all the silence he likes at home on his own.

TenoringBehind · 22/12/2022 07:18

He sounds awful.

for the sake of your DDs I would ask him to leave.