Page 4 | Help me understand who is in the wrong here

OliveLover76 · 2022-12-21T21:52:22+00:00

DP and I have been together for 3 years. I have 2 DD14 & 16 one who has ADHD with ASD traits. DP has been staying all week so that he doesn’t miss Christmas with us due to the train strikes, when he said he would be working from home at my house during this time I made sure I explained that because the children are off school for Christmas I can’t make sure they’re quiet all day for his work, which he seemed to agree with. Yesterday my DD14 had a friend over and they got a bit noisy laughing and being silly in her room like teens do, to which he came to me and reported it. Earlier this evening she asked if her friend could come over again tomorrow and what time, to which my DP said “you were very noisy yesterday” she argued back about it and he didn’t like it so stormed off and has gone to bed in a mood because apparently I “didn’t deal with it” in the correct way. I had a chat to her when he stormed off and we cleared it up. But have I done something wrong here? I’m ADHD/ASD myself and sometimes can’t see where others are coming from. Thanks x

FlowerArranger · 22/12/2022 18:31

Back in the day there was a saying - "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle".

Okay, a bit overstated perhaps, but there is a lot of truth in it. What does he actually bring to your life........... anything that has value as far as you are concerned?

Have you done a positives versus negatives list? which one is longer, and which one contains more stuff that is really important to you?

Ihatethenewlook · 22/12/2022 18:44

I can’t believe you are allowing this man to stay in your house, let alone subjecting your teenage daughter to him on Xmas day. Do you think she wants him there? He doesn’t even live there ffs, and he’s already controlling and trying to encourage you to become abusive to your own daughter! He’d have been out the second he told me to lock up access to her own food. How did you even respond to that? Does he ask permission before getting something to eat or drink in YOUR house? Now she’s not allowed to have friends over, not allowed to laugh, not allowed to play on her phone, and now he’s giving you the silent treatment (also abuse) because he couldn’t get his own way. Now he’s screwing your head up wondering if you’re in the wrong, he’s getting under your skin. You need to grow up, start acting like a mother and put your daughter first instead of this nasty little gobshite of a man, or you’re no better than him!

billy1966 · 22/12/2022 18:50

Ihatethenewlook · 22/12/2022 18:44

I can’t believe you are allowing this man to stay in your house, let alone subjecting your teenage daughter to him on Xmas day. Do you think she wants him there? He doesn’t even live there ffs, and he’s already controlling and trying to encourage you to become abusive to your own daughter! He’d have been out the second he told me to lock up access to her own food. How did you even respond to that? Does he ask permission before getting something to eat or drink in YOUR house? Now she’s not allowed to have friends over, not allowed to laugh, not allowed to play on her phone, and now he’s giving you the silent treatment (also abuse) because he couldn’t get his own way. Now he’s screwing your head up wondering if you’re in the wrong, he’s getting under your skin. You need to grow up, start acting like a mother and put your daughter first instead of this nasty little gobshite of a man, or you’re no better than him!

Completely agree.

You sound like a nice woman who is utterly failing to prioritise her children ahead of this sulking arsehole.

I feel really sorry for your children that you would allow him to move in to their home and ruin their Christmas with his cranky bullying.

You are really in the wrong here and your children will never forget the choices you have made.

A bullying crank man more important than him.

Correct your mistake now and get him out of your home.

You owe your children a huge genuine apology.

firstmummy2019 · 22/12/2022 19:09

He is a guest in your house and giving you the silent treatment? Hell no! The audacity!

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2022 19:22

Her having a friend over giggling in her room is exactly what you want her to be doing at 14!!

This stuck a real nerve in me. It's true. She's happy, with lovely friends, having a nice time, at home safe with her family. And she stood up for herself.

That's all you ever want isn't it? That's a great teenager. ND or NT. Don't let some useless internal voice tell you you failed if your child is doing that. And some bloke who doesn't parent himself. You succeeded.

lemmity · 22/12/2022 19:35

I had this shit with my mum's boyfriend too, also ruined my teens. Also irreversibly damaged my relationship with my mother as she never stood up for me when he was being a complete dickhead for no reason.

For the love of god, please send him home. Trains are running tomorrow so he can hop on one of them and get some nice peace and quiet over the festive period. And forever.

supercali77 · 22/12/2022 19:47

You told him the situation before he came to work there. Its fair enough to ask the kids if they can keep it down a bit but you can't go round expecting children to instantly keep their voices down like robots. They're kids! They forget and get excited and loud. It's Christmas! What did he expect?

healthadvice123 · 22/12/2022 19:56

@CongaLine but if the OP wants him there for christmas then he needs to wfh because of the strikes
I wfh thurs and fri and my teens know they have to be quiet these days or go off out as jobs pay the bills

Always4Brenner · 22/12/2022 19:58

Locking the fridge comment did it for me get rid he’ll wreck your lives all three of you. Turn you into a nervous wreck.

healthadvice123 · 22/12/2022 20:02

Just read your update and it is up to you how you parent and not him and you are on very different pages
I don't fully agree in teens not being able to be quiet and appreciate someone working at home as plenty do have parents who wfh , so have to be quiet or make other plans
The mistake was agreeing for him to stay and wfh if you don't want to tell your kids to be quiet etc , which is fine as its your house, but I do disagree with some saying its what kids do , plenty have parents who wfh now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2022 20:07

my teens know they have to be quiet these days or go off out as jobs pay the bills

In this case that's not true.

healthadvice123 · 22/12/2022 20:09

@MrsTerryPratchett no not in this case but plenty were saying kids cannot be quiet at all , but it was agreed he could work from there so that was the mistake in the first place if he would need silence.
He should of either booked time off so could get a train on a non strike day or stayed home

AlisonDonut · 22/12/2022 20:13

Oh my god a 14 ear old girl enjoying herself in her own house? Whatever next...

Honestly OP you need to put your desire to be found attractive to the side here. He is bullying your kids in their own house.

Riverlee · 22/12/2022 21:40

“…but they’re not abusing me, on drugs, wandering the streets at all hours, drinking and all that.”

This stood out to me. You sound like you’re a great parent, and have no reason to doubt your parenting skills. It may not be how he parents (does he have children? And/or brought up in a strict household.) but that doesn’t make it wrong. There are many ways to be a parent, and you sound like you’re doing fine.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2022 06:54

Have you had any more thoughts or conversations with him op? I hope you will have a good Christmas with your girls.

thisisasurvivor · 23/12/2022 06:59

OliveLover76 · 21/12/2022 22:27

Thanks everyone. I was really worried about him WFH here in the first place because its Christmas and I like to have people over and let the teens enjoy themselves a bit, I should’ve put my foot down really but I felt bad that he might get stuck because of the train strike and then spend Christmas alone.

My DD did react a bit rudely, she’s got ADHD and has a strong sense of justice and felt like she wasn’t it the wrong, I knew if I had started disciplining her in that moment it would have made things 10x worse as she’s un medicated at the moment and has generally been quite good and helpful recently. I had a chat about it with her once he’d stormed off and explained and she apologised to me and that was that.

He’s not spoken to me all night despite me trying to start a conversation and has now fallen asleep so no idea where things stand.

No op just no way

Send him on his way

She did nothing wrong

You warned him

Big fcking idiot he is

Oh and best thing I ever learned on Mumsnet -

First time a man really shows you who he truly is - act on it !!!!!!!

Chesneyhawkes1 · 23/12/2022 07:00

Trains are running today and tomorrow early afternoon. Send him packing!

ChristmasCrackler · 23/12/2022 09:11

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2022 19:22

Her having a friend over giggling in her room is exactly what you want her to be doing at 14!!

This stuck a real nerve in me. It's true. She's happy, with lovely friends, having a nice time, at home safe with her family. And she stood up for herself.

That's all you ever want isn't it? That's a great teenager. ND or NT. Don't let some useless internal voice tell you you failed if your child is doing that. And some bloke who doesn't parent himself. You succeeded.

I was about to write exactly the same!

Autumntimeagain · 23/12/2022 10:21

Awaiting your update to tell us you've told him to go home OP...

Neither you or your DC deserve to be treated so horribly for simply existing in your own home !

Walking on eggshells, being told you're doing everything wrong, upsetting your DC and not being able to have 'fun' yourselves at home ? It's really not worth it for being able to 'have a laugh sometimes', is it ?

PrincessConstance · 23/12/2022 10:46

CongaLine · 21/12/2022 22:19

Yesterday my DD14 had a friend over and they got a bit noisy laughing and being silly in her room like teens do,

She's 14. It's the Christmas holidays and she was in her own room - not even in a communal area. She shouldn't have to take a vow of silence just because Mr Billy BigBalls has decided he wants to use your DD's home as an office.

And now he's sulking because he didn't get his own way?

I would be re-thinking your Christmas plans if this is how he's going to react to typical family life with teenagers.

How is he Mr Bill big balls. He's been invited to stay. The real problem is. He has no parental authority. In this case, being respectful would suffice. Adult working, child and parental adult should manage what that means between themselves.

I think going forward moving into together in the future will be fraught with problems.

MsGrumpytrousers · 23/12/2022 11:09

You're on edge around him? OP, you're frightened of him. That's not a healthy relationship. Ask him to go home now, and after Christmas, tell him it's over. You and your girls deserve someone who loves you all and makes you feel better, not worse. You'll be far happier by yourselves without this nasty person around.

Readaboutyourself · 23/12/2022 11:13

Send the man baby packing and let your children enjoy Christmas without this negative tool.

OldFan · 23/12/2022 11:27

He's trying to tell you how to parent and also seems quite harsh in what he suggests.

And the stroppiness would be a dealbreaker for me, anyway.

SVRT19674 · 23/12/2022 11:49

He is invading your relationship with your child. DO NOT let any random idiot you met in the street do that. My mum did that a couple of times and it really strained our relationship. Luckily it sorted itself the moment the idiot was sent packing.

Original poster

OliveLover76 · 23/12/2022 16:23

Yes he’s been asked to leave. I will need to break up with him after Christmas for all of the reasons above - does it have to be in person or can I do this over the phone?

He was off with me the next day and I asked what’s wrong and he proceeded to tell me that there are a lot of issues and basically I’m not parenting correctly because I’ve been lax in making them wash their plates and cutlery etc, apparently this means I’m letting things go to shit. Oh and I didn’t punish my DD for “lying” because she argued back that she wasn’t that loud and he insisted she was 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe she was louder than she realised, either way, it’s not the end of the world is it? No need for punishments - or am I seeing this all wrong? I feel like I’m going mad sometimes, like am I actually a shit parent? Maybe I am, I don’t know anymore.

Yes he was invited to stay from the 23rd until 28th. But he’s now been here a week because he didn’t want to go home and risk not getting back for Christmas. I said I don’t think it’s a good idea because it’s going to be too noisy for work with the kids being here but he insisted - I should have put my foot down yes, I just felt bad. And then this happened. So yes he was invited but not for this long and not for a whole week and a half of working because I knew that it wouldn’t be possible to keep the house calm and quiet and I didn’t want to have to do that either. I guess that’s on me, but unless it’s 1 day wfh doesn’t work in my home. It wasn’t really about respecting him if that makes sense because I would never invite someone to wfh here for this long, he’s chosen to do that knowing it’d be noisy.

Either way there are many issues in the relationship anyway and the list someone told me to do of pros and cons… the cons outweighed the pros by a lot.

Because I find it hard letting people go it’s not going to be easy so I might need a new support thread at some point.

OP posts: