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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's depression. Stay and support him or leave?

103 replies

Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 13:18

My marriage is not good and a couple of weeks ago I told DH I couldn't go on.

He told me he's struggling mentally and has been for years, he's not happy even though he should be, finds no joy in anything. He's been assessed as having severe depression.

He's got the ball rolling on therapy and getting help but I just don't know if it's too late for us. I've done a lot of work on myself and feel strong enough to leave and say it's too late. I'm worried that the depression is just one part of it and realistically even if he gets help it's not going to be a miracle cure for the relationship.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
WITWCT · 20/12/2022 13:20

Tricky one this if only just diagnosed.

Original poster
Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 13:21

Yes only just diagnosed but he's felt it for years and never done anything about it but treated me awfully in the meantime (guess this is a symptom of the depression).

OP posts:
Muddlingthroughthis · 20/12/2022 13:23

Leave. Life is very short, there are other issues you say. Just leave, find your happiness.

crimbocountdown · 20/12/2022 13:30

IME ultimately depression ended our marriage. Alright for him he had medication to make him "happy" I just had to suck it up and get on with life - as the partner with someone with depression you will get ignored, overlooked, your bad days will be minimalised and considered nothing compared to his, you will tiptoe round him lest you upset him, you'll have to deal with likely constant tweaks to medication to find the right fit which will leave him moody grumpy snappy and probably in bed for days. He will likely be on them long term because he may not be interested in actually learning coping mechanisms. He may be signed off work long term leaving you to pick up the pieces financially. Oh and it will nuke his sperm if you are planning on having children together.

Finalcountdown2022 · 20/12/2022 13:31

Was ready for doing the whole what happened to “in sickness and in health” spiel but then saw your update about him treating you awfully. Depression doesn’t make you an asshole, that’s his personal choice, excuse the pun but choose happiness op. You deserve to be treated with respect and love

EVHead · 20/12/2022 13:33

My ex was like this. Had us walking on eggshells because we never knew when his mood would turn bad.

Hence he’s my ex. His behaviour, I assume designed to make him feel better about himself (other women), was dreadful in the end.

He refused to get help.

If you’re unhappy, end it.

LindtChristmas · 20/12/2022 13:34

When you said you can't go on (to your DH) - you were ending the relationship? or were you asking for something to give, to change?

I think advice is hard to give because every long marriage goes through difficulties and for some of them the right thing is to end it in the best way possible - but for others the relationship becomes stronger through the difficulty. I don't know what one your marriage is.

I have been married 27 years and there has been maybe 3 times I have thought it should be over and we managed to get through it - and I am glad we did. Mental health problems (on my side), serious physical health (on DH side) and addiction to painkillers (after a serious accident - DH) all made life unbearable at times, but we stayed together. I'm not saying that you should stay together btw. I'm just saying that difficulties can be worked through.

Original poster
Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 13:40

We already have children and when I say awful treatment I mean he has pulled away from all physical and emotional connection - zero touch, hugs, intimacy on any level, sexless. He doesn't enjoy any of it with me and when I try to go near him he pushes me away.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/12/2022 13:43

If it's taken you being prepared to split for him to seek help, then there's an element that he might only be claiming depression to keep you. (My ex claimed all sorts of alarming things, but in retrospect he was just saying anything to reel me back in).

Depression isn't a Get out of Jail card for treating a partner awfully for years on end.

Maybe it's too little too late for you. That's OK. You don't have to keep going with it if you're done. Even if he's making promises to change.

Mischance · 20/12/2022 13:43

It all depends what the behaviours are that make you think about ending the marriage. If they are depression related then it would be a kindness to hang on in there for a bit and give him a chance to get better. If he is just someone you don't want to be with any more anyway then end the marriage.

I think if a female Mumsnetter came on and said she was suffering from depression and her OH planned to leave her because of it then we would have a lot of sympathy for her.

The history is important - if he is a dick and you should have left him already then that is different.

I know that living with a depressed/anxious spouse is not easy - got that T-shirt. You need to feel motivated to help him through it - if you do not feel that, then you need to go.

Craftycorvid · 20/12/2022 13:47

Depression is awful and it can certainly make people very self-absorbed. However, treating your loved ones badly is not in itself a symptom of depression. How long have things been this bad? Do you recall when things were ok between you? I’m not sure his depression is the issue here, and being deeply unhappy is a good enough reason to end the relationship. Are you feeling blackmailed by his moods? Has he said or implied he’ll harm himself if you leave?

Sandra1984 · 20/12/2022 13:55

I think you need to sit and ask him if he wants to continue with this marriage because he sounds like he doesn't. I too suffered from a clinical depression years ago, it was awful (probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me). One thing I didn't do is treat my loved ones like shyte. Truth is I was very very grateful when a loved one (or a stranger for that matter) gave me a hug and offered his/her emotional support, it reminded me that I was not the "piece of rubbish" I thought I was. he needs to understand that being the partner of a depressed person is very hard on said partner, he needs to be kind.

Original poster
Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 13:59

I think I've just completed checked out and feel resentment towards him for neglecting me for so long. Why couldn't he have got help a year ago? It's a really sad situation.

OP posts:
DanseAvecLesLoups · 20/12/2022 14:17

Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 13:59

I think I've just completed checked out and feel resentment towards him for neglecting me for so long. Why couldn't he have got help a year ago? It's a really sad situation.

I think you know the answer already. It does not sound like you can row back from checking out as it were.

crimbocountdown · 20/12/2022 14:44

Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 13:40

We already have children and when I say awful treatment I mean he has pulled away from all physical and emotional connection - zero touch, hugs, intimacy on any level, sexless. He doesn't enjoy any of it with me and when I try to go near him he pushes me away.

Yes this was us

It's no way to live. The whole in sickness and health bullshit doesn't cover complete lack of intimacy and affection from your husband.

It's also not a healthy environment for the children to be around

Original poster
Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 14:50

crimbocountdown · 20/12/2022 14:44

Yes this was us

It's no way to live. The whole in sickness and health bullshit doesn't cover complete lack of intimacy and affection from your husband.

It's also not a healthy environment for the children to be around

Show quote history

Did you leave?

OP posts:
TheShit · 20/12/2022 14:51

Easy for me to say but I'd keep going, you can't hang around wasting your life on hope. Most likely whatever was there between you can't be revived, and you'll never lose the resentment from the past few years. Let him look after his mental health and get better, for himself. He will benefit and your children will benefit. And you ultimately too as he will step up to be a better co-parent and parent. That is of course if it does all get sorted.

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 14:53

Most people with depression do not want sex and part of depression does include self isolation away from your partner and family members. So, him not wanting intimacy is actually a symptom of depression and not being an asshole or rejecting you.

Its hard living with a partner having a depressive episode. My DH gets it on and off and I admit I have thought of just running away. But, he gets the treatment and he always comes out of it. I think your DH needs to learn not to hide it and access help sooner. Would save both of you a lot of grief.

As it’s affected your relationship, you could also try a bit of couples counselling as well? It guess it depends on how long you’ve been together and your feelings in terms of what you two mean to each other whether it’s worth fighting for or punching out?

TheShit · 20/12/2022 14:54

From experience, you can't fix anyone, you can't make them better. And supporting someone who isn't prepared to work really hard at it is utter torment. Also, he may not have the capacity to change and get better, I wasted so much time on hoping, supporting, pushing, cajoling. Doesn't make a blind bit of difference if they don't want to do it too. Counselling fixes jack shit if they don't dig deep, tablets too. And self pity is fuck all use to you.

MolliciousIntent · 20/12/2022 14:57

FYI, treating people awfully isn't a symptom of depression, it's a symptom of being a dick.

thenewduchessoflapland · 20/12/2022 14:58

I think you need to weed out what's gone wrong in your relationship because of mental health issues and what's wrong due to him being an arsehole.

senior30 · 20/12/2022 15:01

I stayed with my dp following a mental health crisis, supported him through therapy and medication etc. We are now in a constant cycle of him being great for a year then deciding to stop all treatment and starting on the hamster wheel again. If I could have gone back to myself 5 years ago I would scream run for the hills, I have no doubt this will ultimately end our relationship. My only regret is not leaving sooner, don’t stay because you feel it’s the right thing to do. You could lose so many years of your life

BarrelOfOtters · 20/12/2022 15:12

I stayed, but honestly only because he quickly got help. He'd been depressed for a while but it was due to a job situation, and then it got worse quite rapidly and he ended up leaving his job. But he got help, medication, took exercise etc.

He got through it but it nearly finished us and my tolerance levels are very low for any signs of it again.

It sounds like it's time to take care of yourself and your kids.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 20/12/2022 15:16

I think you should leave, I'm with a partner that won't seek help and has needed it for years.

Always4Brenner · 20/12/2022 15:18

I had to leave in the end I dreaded the future especially without his parents. Things happened I finally left two months ago the difference is unbelievable this Christmas is filled with joy and no grumpiness etc bringing me down.

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