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Original poster

DH's depression. Stay and support him or leave?

103 replies

Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 13:18

My marriage is not good and a couple of weeks ago I told DH I couldn't go on.

He told me he's struggling mentally and has been for years, he's not happy even though he should be, finds no joy in anything. He's been assessed as having severe depression.

He's got the ball rolling on therapy and getting help but I just don't know if it's too late for us. I've done a lot of work on myself and feel strong enough to leave and say it's too late. I'm worried that the depression is just one part of it and realistically even if he gets help it's not going to be a miracle cure for the relationship.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 20/12/2022 15:28

Yes he can have depression AND it can be ok for you to be done and not want to continue the relationship, both things can be true.

I think I've just completed checked out and feel resentment towards him for neglecting me for so long.

If it feels true for you that the marriage is over as far as you are concerned and you want out of the relationship, then that is enough. You don't need to stay because of x, y, or z. If it's over for you, then it's over. There is no miracle cure, just a lot of hard work, which you may not have the will to do, and that's ok.

Original poster
Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 16:12

If I decide to stay how do we get the physical side back? I wanted for so long for him to desire me but now I'm not sure I do. Too much time has passed, it's awkward.

OP posts:
crimbocountdown · 20/12/2022 16:18

@Liveyourlife1

The first time he had depression i stuck it out we were newly married and I took the whole in sickness and in health line seriously. He did in the end come off his medication

The second time he hid it very well. Newborn twins so if I'm honest my attention was elsewhere and I didn't spot the signs / or I was too busy to care and by this point i didn't have the energy. I only realised he was having one of his episodes when he walked out one day and didn't come back for a week. I filed for divorce after that.

giffyp · 20/12/2022 16:23

Leave and find your growth and happiness if you’d said otherwise your marriage was good and you loved him I may be saying support him to make it better, but it sounds like it’s ran it’s time, I know it’s hard but you need to do what will eventually make you happy xx

crimbocountdown · 20/12/2022 16:25

@Liveyourlife1

IME once the physical side has gone it's near impossible to bring back. Plus the anti depressants don't help in that department.

I'm not sure deep down I ever forgave him for what I saw as a weakness - on paper he had absolutely zero reason to be depressed. In fact I would have said I had it much much harder over the years. And I suppose I lost respect for him. It felt like he was another child rather than an equal partner

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 16:26

Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 16:12

If I decide to stay how do we get the physical side back? I wanted for so long for him to desire me but now I'm not sure I do. Too much time has passed, it's awkward.

It should come back, as in his sex drive. But as youve been isolated for years, it would be gradual I would imagine. Rebuild the connection. Start with affection with no expectation or pressuring for sex. Go from there.

Have to warn you (and him), some anti-depressants do cause erectile dysfunction though. So he may have to switch between medications which can be a roller coaster of weaning off the old and then ramping up the new.

Staying is a hard road with no guarantees at the end- especially when it’s the first bout of depression but there is a chance of success.

If you cannot do it, there is no shame in ending the marriage.

Chrimbob · 20/12/2022 16:31

He's treated you awfully for years... This is outrageous whether he's depressed or not, the outcome for you is the same.

whatisforteamum · 20/12/2022 17:05

I'm in the same situation.
Anger outbursts,negativity grumpiness.It is so hard when I've pulled myself out of severe depression.
I gave up drinking,started exercising over a yr ago,got another job and started supplements. Dh makes zero effort even basic hygiene is so chore so we are just housemates.Kids have left home and I could see myself walking away after many miserable times.
Mine won't take the therapy or even try.
I hope you can find the right outcome for you all.

JoonT · 20/12/2022 17:09

Depression is pure hell, and living with a depressed person isn’t much better. I am very sorry for both of you. I’m afraid I wouldn’t have much hope for therapy, however. Even if the therapist is good (and, frankly, some of them are awful), I doubt there is much they can do. Depression, in my experience, is often genetic - dodgy brain chemistry. Left wing people pin it all on society (people are depressed because society is too competitive, too unequal, too isolating, etc). I’m sure there is some truth to that. We’ve created a hellish world which is both suffocatingly overcrowded/noisy AND lonely/isolating. But time and again I’ve watched people crash into horrific depressions for no reason at all, people with money, loving families, etc. And I’ve watched others go through the most awful experiences seemingly unaffected. It’s just how we’re wired up. Sitting in a room for an hour a week isn’t going to change that. And it won’t pull someone out of a crippling depression.

I’d have more faith in small life changes: giving up alcohol, not watching the news, reading books instead of newspapers, going for a jog every morning, getting a puppy, volunteering to help those in need, doing yoga and deep meditation, etc, etc.

saltofcelery · 20/12/2022 17:11

Depression doesn't make you cruel.

In my opinion, he's throwing that card out there because he realises you're stronger than he thought. He has really had depression for years and it's taken him you saying you are leaving to seek help? Nope.

Original poster
Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 17:46

I feel like the conversation started with my unhappiness and how he had made me feel all this time. And now that the depression has been revealed the focus is on him and how he's feeling. I feel as though I can't make it about me now as that would be selfish when he's ill and suffering.

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 20/12/2022 20:13

Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 17:46

I feel like the conversation started with my unhappiness and how he had made me feel all this time. And now that the depression has been revealed the focus is on him and how he's feeling. I feel as though I can't make it about me now as that would be selfish when he's ill and suffering.

That's a bit convenient, don't you think?

BCBird · 20/12/2022 20:16

Depression is awful, for the person who has it but also for those closest to them. Whatever you decide,please consider you.

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 22:14

I don’t understand why posters are implying that the OPs DH has fabricated a convenient case of depression when it’s in the OP that he has been diagnosed with severe depression less than two weeks after the initial discussion. You can’t fake that on demand? And given the number of responses saying really ableist things, it’s no wonder he was afraid to say anything.

Fireflygal · 20/12/2022 22:24

How long have you been married? Has he been able to show affection before?

In a years time what if he is better - it will take at least a year to separate, sort finances, find somewhere to live, get the children through the change - would you regret going through all of that if he recovered?

Divorce is hard and takes time to rebuild. I would advocate divorce in a toxic or abusive relationship but not if there is a chance it can get better

Does your DH show any empathy towards you?

Badger1970 · 20/12/2022 22:27

Hmm it seems convenient that he's suddenly diagnosed/asked for help when you've said enough is enough.

Don't feel trapped. His mental health shouldn't be your prison too.

category12 · 20/12/2022 22:30

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 22:14

I don’t understand why posters are implying that the OPs DH has fabricated a convenient case of depression when it’s in the OP that he has been diagnosed with severe depression less than two weeks after the initial discussion. You can’t fake that on demand? And given the number of responses saying really ableist things, it’s no wonder he was afraid to say anything.

My personal experience with an ex is why I think it could be convenient. People do sometimes fake it, especially when they're on a last-ditch attempt to keep a partner. (Not to be too Anita Dobson about it 😂)

You only have to know the right sort of things to say to a doctor about depression, really.

My ex did claim MH problems to stop me splitting up with him. And it worked for a bit.

category12 · 20/12/2022 22:31

So not implying it, saying outright it's a possibility.

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 22:52

@category12

A psychiatrist isn’t going to diagnose severe depression based only on parroting a script of some sort. They, at most, would say mild symptoms of depression (not even diagnose depression). I appreciate your ex tried to fake an illness, but obviously he was caught at it pretty quickly.

category12 · 20/12/2022 22:55

Where does OP say he's been assessed by a psychiatrist?

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 22:59

category12 · 20/12/2022 22:55

Where does OP say he's been assessed by a psychiatrist?

Here:
He's been assessed as having severe depression.

Only psychiatrists can assess a patient as having severe depression. GPs cannot actually diagnose any psychiatric illness including depression.

category12 · 20/12/2022 22:59

And my ex claimed things like he'd walked into the river etc. He was not found out as a faker by the doctor, he just kind of dropped it all when I eventually split up with him anyway.

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 23:02

category12 · 20/12/2022 22:59

And my ex claimed things like he'd walked into the river etc. He was not found out as a faker by the doctor, he just kind of dropped it all when I eventually split up with him anyway.

By doctor, do you mean GP?

category12 · 20/12/2022 23:12

Yes. If it's true that only they can diagnose severe depression, and not gps, i didn't know that. I didn't attend appointments so I only knew what he told me. It could be the same for OP.

sianiboo · 20/12/2022 23:13

I have a 'friend' who has faked having depression for 5 years...mainly to get himself out of serious trouble at work - taking literally months off 'sick' when in reality there's nothing wrong with him, he just doesn't like working (he's admitted all that to me, thinks it's funny).

So the OP's husband's sudden diagnosis would have me suspicious too, unless he's seen a psychiatrist.