DH's depression. Stay and support him or leave?

[Liveyourlife1]

My marriage is not good and a couple of weeks ago I told DH I couldn't go on.

He told me he's struggling mentally and has been for years, he's not happy even though he should be, finds no joy in anything. He's been assessed as having severe depression.

He's got the ball rolling on therapy and getting help but I just don't know if it's too late for us. I've done a lot of work on myself and feel strong enough to leave and say it's too late. I'm worried that the depression is just one part of it and realistically even if he gets help it's not going to be a miracle cure for the relationship.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I've been through similar. My ex had a job change he couldn't cope with, an aversion to much hard work anyway, plus lack of confidence etc. His downward spiral from that and other factors left the rest of the family walking on eggshells and him becoming much more low level critical of me (who was left doing most everything) plus his lack of self esteem meant he took little pride in himself whilst being bolshy about things generally. I put one foot in front of the other for several years not wanting to break the family since I'd already got one divorce behind me. Tried to help re suggestions of cbt, researched and recommended counsellors and so on. Nothing stuck. He refused medication despite dr prescribing and happened upon exercise as his 'medicine' which meant tbh I lived with a manic exerciser on top of all the above. I eventually split and literally never looked back. My life is happy and even now and I wish I'd done it sooner, though I guess my conscience feels clear that I'd tried. If you don't have DC then I'd personally go. Living with this is draining. If you have DC then maybe set yourself a time window. But for me once I've lost respect it's difficult, if not impossible, to go back.

treated me awfully in the meantime (guess this is a symptom of the depression).

Lots of people have depression but aren't awful to their partner.

I couldn't put up with it- too much like growing up with my dad.

I will say being around this is very damaging to children @Liveyourlife1 . I've been left unable to work for life and my sister has issues with anxiety too.

A psychiatrist isn’t going to diagnose severe depression based only on parroting a script of some sort. They, at most, would say mild symptoms of depression (not even diagnose depression). I appreciate your ex tried to fake an illness, but obviously he was caught at it pretty quickly.

@Onnabugeisha It's a screening questionnaire consultants use. The person would only have to give the 'right' answers and look sad. 'Do you have a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness' 'Has your sleep pattern been different to normal' etc etc.

@Liveyourlife1 It's not unusual for men to use mental illness as a way to try and get a woman to give them another chance. Having said that, he maybe has mental health problems. These unfortunately are often deeply unpleasant to be around. My dad even quit work for years so my mum had to go back full time to pay the mortgage etc. I knew we shouldn't lose respect for people based on MH problems, but at that point I lost all respect for him as a teenager. In a partner, I always look for someone with something about them that I can look upto.

How realistic is it for one of you to leave right away? Is it worth giving it another three months to get your ducks in a row, save some money, suss out housing options? If things improve in that time with him seeking help, perhaps reconsider. If not, at least you’re well-placed to split.

It was an online clinical assessment as part of a self referral I believe.

'lol' well then he could fudge that even more easily.

It'll be interesting to see if he sticks with any treatment for an appropriate length of time.

But either way, he's treated you badly and I think you (understandably) aren't that keen on him anymore.

How was your relationship before he became depressed? If good, then it could come back. Has he always been difficult? If so, it is him not the mental illness. Were there specific reasons for the depression which explain it? If no it's likely he will always have problems. If yes and they are resolved, he may with treatment, return to his old self. Did you feel deep love for him before the depression set in? If yes, it can return. Do you feel any compassion and love for him? If not then leave. How long was it good and how long was it bad? If bad a very long time then it may well be irretrievable

Answer these questions to yourself, not here.

@OldFan
Yes, I know what the questionnaire is. I have filled it out many times. The bit you quoted that was posted by me was from before the OP had clarified that despite saying her DH had been “assessed as having severe depression”, he hasnt actually been assessed at all, he’d only done an online questionnaire in a self-referral. That’s not a psychological assessment.

You don't have a duty to sacrifice yourself and spend your life as his carer even if he is genuinely ill. You've received no affection or support for years, it's a shell of a relationship, and it's making you miserable. You have one life. Think carefully about what "after" would look like, in terms of your living standards, lifestyle, how it would be for the kids, and if it looks better just leave.

Just thought I would come back with an update.

We have talked loads since I brought up my unhappiness. I have pretty much cried every day since. I am deeply unhappy. I just keep thinking what if the way he treats me is nothing to do with the depression and is actually a reflection of how he feels about me. He says he can't give me that answer because he doesn't know??

He has no want to touch me in any way and if I go to touch him (hug, hand hold, anything) he flinches. It's now got to the point where he's told me he wants none of that and any physical touch he were to give me would be forced. And clearly I don't wanted a forced hug from the person who is supposed to love me the most!

Today, the start of a new year, I am feeling so devastated that my relationship has ended up this way. I am a kind, loving, happy person and I deserve more. And my kids do not need to see this shitshow and think it's normal.

What do I do?

You start getting organised to get rid of this selfish man who is quite happy the way he is, sucking the life out of you.

You deserve more and so do your children.

Do not waste any more time trying to fix him.

Start focusing on your future.
Reach out to family and friends for support.
This is not the end for you
Don't waste your future on him.

You can start by seeking legal advice and from that making plans to leave. Save yourself and your children from this marriage of unequals. They will also thank you for doing that.

I was dating with a guy for about 6 months, first 3 months was perfect, we were in the same page in many things...
Then one morning, he woke up and started to judge anything that came out my mouth. I asked him why he's been grumpy and angry, he said ' am I really asking that?' .. I said I must have done something wrong but he wouldn't tell me what it is but kept attacking me. I left and went home, the next day we talked again. He was totally calm, in love and kept saying sorry.. He was totally another person.
I said if he doesn't give me a good explaination about yesterday, I am out of this relationship. He then confessed that he has 'Cronic Depression', he and all his family and these things happens. He takes pills everyday and he has been using for 20 years. If he misses the pills, this what happens.
I asked him what else happens, he just gets angry that's it! I thought we can work around it and I sticked to him. It happened several times.. I thought I could manage but he started to personal attacks like 'I am not capable of doing anyting' 'I don't have any hobbies ' etc.. I am slim,he would squaze every inch to find a fat and say 'oh, you could lose that' and more more - I came to point, the sickness was an excuse.. He's been jerk and narcissist and I walked away. I was normally a happy person, when I left him all I had inside me anger and low energy. It took me a while to recover.
If you are going to stick to him, make sure you are strong enough and don't lose yourself while trying to save him. Being alone is sometime much better!

I think you need to split up from him.

You take a deep breath and then another. You accept that this is not your fault and that you need to move forward with a different life than the one you anticipated.

Then start getting practical. See a solicitor. Look at your finances. Get RL support. Begin the process of separation. Know that it will be hard at first but it will be ok. I can feel your devastation but it will be ok.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm desperate to find strength and hopefully I will.

Just as a point of interest: canonically, your husband’s stated intention to withhold conjugal relations from you for the foreseeable future would be grounds for ending the marriage. So no need to take any notice of the ‘in sickness and in health’ clause.

good luck, OP . I’ve been where you are, many, many years ago. It’s much better on the other side.

Been there too I’m out three months soon and love it.

I just keep thinking what if the way he treats me is nothing to do with the depression and is actually a reflection of how he feels about me. He says he can't give me that answer because he doesn't know??

This is abuse OP, designed to keep you feeling hurt/uncertain.

He has no want to touch me in any way and if I go to touch him (hug, hand hold, anything) he flinches. It's now got to the point where he's told me he wants none of that and any physical touch he were to give me would be forced. And clearly I don't wanted a forced hug from the person who is supposed to love me the most!

This is awful.

^Today, the start of a new year, I am feeling so devastated that my relationship has ended up this way. I am a kind, loving, happy person and I deserve more. And my kids do not need to see this shitshow and think it's normal.
What do I do?^

Please separate from him as soon as you can. x

Is it abuse though? I would never have thought that. Because he seems in such a dark place mentally that I believe he doesn't know what he feels anymore. But then I've never experienced MH issues myself (until now as my self esteem is on the floor)

Was it a similar situation in terms of the MH issues and the lack of affection? Was it hard to leave?

I worry if I stay I will look back and regret wasting my time and my own mental health will suffer. Was your situation similar to mine?

@Onnabugeisha - So, him not wanting intimacy is actually a symptom of depression and not being an asshole or rejecting you

We don't know that. He could be an abusive arse as well as being depressed. If he had just been depressed he could have treated op much better. I prefer to believe OP's truth.

Also. couples counselling is NOT recommended for people in abusive relationships.

@Liveyourlife1 - He says he can't give me that answer because he doesn't know??

This is manipulative bollocks. He knows how he feels.

He has no want to touch me in any way and if I go to touch him (hug, hand hold, anything) he flinches
That's no way for you to live.

And clearly I don't wanted a forced hug from the person who is supposed to love me the most

He doesn't love you the most. He's acting as if he barely likes you.

You, my love, deserve SO much more than this. I hope you can see this.

Is it abuse though? I would never have thought that. Because he seems in such a dark place mentally that I believe he doesn't know what he feels anymore.

I have severe bipolar disorder @Liveyourlife1 . It's a severe disability. I like to think I don't treat people this way. Either way, he's not thinking of or caring about your (equally important) feelings, the feelings of HIS WIFE!

He can not know what he feels anymore- he doesn't have to tell you that he thinks that (though I think he was being manipulative there anyway.) You're a person too, and one he made vows to.