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Original poster

DH's depression. Stay and support him or leave?

103 replies

Liveyourlife1 · 20/12/2022 13:18

My marriage is not good and a couple of weeks ago I told DH I couldn't go on.

He told me he's struggling mentally and has been for years, he's not happy even though he should be, finds no joy in anything. He's been assessed as having severe depression.

He's got the ball rolling on therapy and getting help but I just don't know if it's too late for us. I've done a lot of work on myself and feel strong enough to leave and say it's too late. I'm worried that the depression is just one part of it and realistically even if he gets help it's not going to be a miracle cure for the relationship.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 20/12/2022 23:14

But his previously unannounced depression has made you incredibly depressed. I wouldn't stay. He had the chance again and again to try to work things out and seek help and he didn't, he just made your life hell instead. It's pretty clear that seeing you miserable was cheering him up.

category12 · 20/12/2022 23:34

Funny really, turns out there was even more my ex lied about than I realised 😅 Should have done my research but you don't expect people to lie about these things.

ScrabbleRabbler · 20/12/2022 23:41

therapy would be too slower mend, I would however give him a chance if he took medication

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 23:44

category12 · 20/12/2022 23:34

Funny really, turns out there was even more my ex lied about than I realised 😅 Should have done my research but you don't expect people to lie about these things.

Yeah, I think the GP had the measure of him otherwise he would have been referred to mental health for a full assessment. I get it, people do lie.

gonnabeok · 20/12/2022 23:46

I left after 15 years. Years of walking on egg shells, unpredictable moods,his anger, him not engaging with me some days or our dd whatsoever. I completely lost myself supporting him. He took medication on and off. I finally walked away after realising how joyless and lonely I had become in that relationship. I never looked back,never regretted it and only wish I'd done it much sooner.

Original poster
Liveyourlife1 · 21/12/2022 08:14

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 22:52

@category12

A psychiatrist isn’t going to diagnose severe depression based only on parroting a script of some sort. They, at most, would say mild symptoms of depression (not even diagnose depression). I appreciate your ex tried to fake an illness, but obviously he was caught at it pretty quickly.

To be clear he hasn't seen a psychiatrist. It was an online clinical assessment as part of a self referral I believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liveyourlife1 · 21/12/2022 08:17

Fireflygal · 20/12/2022 22:24

How long have you been married? Has he been able to show affection before?

In a years time what if he is better - it will take at least a year to separate, sort finances, find somewhere to live, get the children through the change - would you regret going through all of that if he recovered?

Divorce is hard and takes time to rebuild. I would advocate divorce in a toxic or abusive relationship but not if there is a chance it can get better

Does your DH show any empathy towards you?

We've been married for 6 years and it's been like this for probably half the marriage. Really loving and affectionate at first.

No empathy at all (although now he's sorry, now it's come to this). Generally, he can't apologise ever and when I'm going through something he's not there for me as an emotional support. I've stopped telling him things because he doesn't say the kind words I need to hear.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 21/12/2022 08:21

In my view leave . From experience an ultimatum of I'm leaving galvanises the person to book therapy etc but as soon as the immediate pressure is off they stop going or trying to get better .
It's draining and long term impacts on your own life .

category12 · 21/12/2022 08:33

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 23:44

Yeah, I think the GP had the measure of him otherwise he would have been referred to mental health for a full assessment. I get it, people do lie.

Show quote history

Sorry to come back to this but it irritates me that you say you think the GP "had the measure" of him. On what basis?

I'm glad you have a high level of trust in their competence, but he came back with a prescription and further appointments, not a flea in his ear.

He very likely exaggerated his diagnosis to me, and in retrospect it's unlikely he told the GP the extreme stuff he told me.

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 08:59

Onnabugeisha · 20/12/2022 22:59

Here:
He's been assessed as having severe depression.

Only psychiatrists can assess a patient as having severe depression. GPs cannot actually diagnose any psychiatric illness including depression.

Show quote history

Bollocks. 5 years ago I suffered from a depression and I had a very long consultation with my GP where she diagnosed me with depression and prescribe me SSRI’s. She literally saved my life.

Always4Brenner · 21/12/2022 09:14

gonnabeok · 20/12/2022 23:46

I left after 15 years. Years of walking on egg shells, unpredictable moods,his anger, him not engaging with me some days or our dd whatsoever. I completely lost myself supporting him. He took medication on and off. I finally walked away after realising how joyless and lonely I had become in that relationship. I never looked back,never regretted it and only wish I'd done it much sooner.

My now ex took his meds but years ago I realised I wasn’t happy been out two months and the difference is unbelievable. I still care but I’m not ground down with the sulks the grumps the eggshells walking me that is.

Badger1970 · 21/12/2022 09:16

If this "diagnosis" was made online, it's a pile of steaming bullshit.

Cut your losses.

Garysmum · 21/12/2022 09:34

I had MH issues including severe depression and whilst my partner didn't leave - it effectively ended the marriage. Despite years of therapy and treatment, it's not something I could shake off completely. So there are times when it's not there at all/ minimally and there have been a few periods (maybe 4 in 20 years) of say 6-12 weeks when it has crippled me.
It's not something that I could expect a partner to live with. I think it's worth trying if the depressed person seeks help and tries to find strategies - for me that was CBT, therapy and various medications. Every relationship dynamic is different so in some cases it may be that no effort can be made.

Oblomov22 · 21/12/2022 10:03

Depends. Will he get better? How much damage has been done by his behaviour, in the period leading up to the recent diagnosis. I couldn't be with someone if they didn't put the effort in. What was he like before? Do you regret marrying him?

Oblomov22 · 21/12/2022 10:05

Hang on a sec, an on line referral isn't a proper diagnosis.

tickticksnooze · 21/12/2022 10:17

Liveyourlife1 · 21/12/2022 08:14

To be clear he hasn't seen a psychiatrist. It was an online clinical assessment as part of a self referral I believe.

Show quote history

That's not a diagnosis then.

That's an online questionnaire used to manage referrals. It has extremely limited clinical standing.

Genuine severe depression is diagnosed and treated by consultant psychiatrist.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/12/2022 10:25

crimbocountdown · 20/12/2022 13:30

IME ultimately depression ended our marriage. Alright for him he had medication to make him "happy" I just had to suck it up and get on with life - as the partner with someone with depression you will get ignored, overlooked, your bad days will be minimalised and considered nothing compared to his, you will tiptoe round him lest you upset him, you'll have to deal with likely constant tweaks to medication to find the right fit which will leave him moody grumpy snappy and probably in bed for days. He will likely be on them long term because he may not be interested in actually learning coping mechanisms. He may be signed off work long term leaving you to pick up the pieces financially. Oh and it will nuke his sperm if you are planning on having children together.

This isn’t always true!

l’ve had depression for years. It’s managed. No one tiptoes round me.

Onnabugeisha · 21/12/2022 13:00

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 08:59

Bollocks. 5 years ago I suffered from a depression and I had a very long consultation with my GP where she diagnosed me with depression and prescribe me SSRI’s. She literally saved my life.

Show quote history

Well that’s changed because in 2012, I was referred to MH and told by my GP that GPs cannot diagnose any psychiatric illness. I’m sorry I’m out of date. I think it’s a mistake for the NHS to let GPs diagnose depression and prescribe medication btw, they really do not have the expertise for that.

Onnabugeisha · 21/12/2022 13:02

Badger1970 · 21/12/2022 09:16

If this "diagnosis" was made online, it's a pile of steaming bullshit.

Cut your losses.

I agree with this. The OP was vague…usually the psychiatrist does a full assessment and I thought that is what was being referred to when she said he’d been “assessed as having severe depression”. An online questionnaire isn’t an assessment.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/12/2022 13:02

There are hardly any NHS psychiatrists though. So go’s have to do it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/12/2022 13:10

Also my gp has controlled my depression for 20 years.

category12 · 21/12/2022 13:29

I don't think we can definitely say his diagnosis is a pile of steaming bullshit 😏 but I think it's fair to say there's a possibility it's convenient timing. He may genuinely have some level of depression. It's just something to bear in mind when making a decision.

Soothsayer1 · 21/12/2022 13:35

I think you should probably cut your losses, he is locked into his misery enjoying wallowing it in it and he will take you all down with him if you let him
It's kind of a non lethal version of a family destroyer isn't it 😟

tickticksnooze · 21/12/2022 21:27

"Severe depression" is clinically specific. Respectfully, if your illness resolved with first-line SSRIs and GP care then it didn't meet that threshold even if it was a horrendous personal experience.

Of course GPs deal with mild-moderate cases. They're not qualified to diagnose or treat clinically severe cases. That is the distinction being made.

The bar to be handed an SSRI prescription by a GP is not exactly high either.

ShandaLear · 21/12/2022 21:38

So many of these replies are focused on your DH and his depression. The bottom line is that in many ways it’s irrelevant. You are unhappy in the relationship. That’s the only reason you need to leave. Where do you want to be in a year? 5 years? Work towards that. It may seem scary at first, but you will be so relieved.