Turned on flirting with boss... help!!

[WelshMammy2]

I have worked with my boss for 7 years. No hint whatsoever at anything being there. He is older quite a bit older than me.

We travel the world as part of our jobs. About three months ago we had a night out after a day of meeting, and ended up on the dance floor. First time in 7 years. He got quite touchy feely... I didn't "do anything" but dance - but I also didn't tell him no or to stop. I'm being super honest when I post this - I actually really enjoyed the attention. We never mentioned anything again.

Fast forward to our Christmas night out. After several drinks, he tells me he fancies me. He is married with three kids 😳 again he was touchy feely, kissing my cheek a lot and at one point grabbed my bum. The rest of the team were there so I kept telling him to be careful, and he kept trying to get us to sneak off.

My dilemma... I don't fancy him but omg did I enjoy it. I loved the attention, found it beyond sexy and can't wait for the next night incase it might happen again!! I guess I love the thrill of the chase? The lust?

I have no intention of acting on anything and I know what I am still doing is wrong. I'm sure lots of people will comment to tell me that too. In terms of my feelings though and really enjoying it - am I a narcissist? 😂 why do I like all the attention so much? I can't stop thinking about it... normal??

Low self esteem enjoying scraps. If it want you it would be someone else.
Don't entertain the leeching

*wasnt

Are you single yourself?

If you don't fancy him but found the attention enjoyable and sexy, sounds like you need to get dating. Or maybe it's him being forbidden fruit that you find exciting.

I think you ought to be aware colleagues may have noticed that night, and they won't think nicely of you or be jealous, but will judge your behaviour more harshly than his because of sexism. If you do well at work, they'll think it's cos you're fucking the boss, not because you're competent.

Personally I'd advise you strongly to stop shitting on your own doorstep and stop encouraging Mr Grabby-Arse.

🍿

Yup nailed it. You might be enjoying the attention but do realise other people will certainly have noticed and it would have have all looked rather seedy and pathetic from your colleagues view.

😂

You exist in a society that tells all women
our value is intrinsically linked to how attractive men find us- as much as we logically move ourselves away from this belief the unconscious belief will still be formed to some degree imo

Being explicitly shown a man finds you attractive is therefore validation of this message we’ve been fed since birth

If you were also drinking, this would further increased dopamine levels. The memory is now tied to this feeling regardless of your actual opinion.
The dopamine hit is what you are enjoying.

If you’d like it to stop in this instance, try using your logical brain to consider what he is saying- your value to him is not as an equal human being, or a valued employee. He is indicating you have so little value to him and the business he would happily jeopardise your career/ reputation and risk you leaving.

Your only value to him is as a warm hole.

Is that how you wish to be viewed/ valued?

It is easy to enjoy the dopamine hit from social validation, but it also possible to
remove it by recognising the actual message you are being given in the specific situation.

(Dopamine can often be triggered in many other ways, you deserve to enjoy it from more genuine sources imo)

Don't shit where you eat. Back away now unless you want to be looking for another job.

You enjoyed the attention of a married boss groping your arse? This sounds like On the Buses from 1972.

Ewww he's much older and married? He's a sick fuck.

Do you get a lot of attention like usually or is it a bit sparse in your life? I suspect you enjoy the forbidden nature of this and the tension.

Before you get carried away with fantasies of naughty sex at the office, consider that you are making an absolute fool of yourself in front of your company, and despite what your colleagues say and your bosses part in this, they will lose respect for you.

They will also now (if they aren't already) be on the lookout that you are getting favourable treatment, and this can end in tears. It will be you who might have to leave your company because of it, not your boss.

Whenever you feel flattered or thrilled, think about the fact that you have managed to attract the attentions of a man who is willing to openly cheat on his wife. What a prize catch.

Just no, if any advances are made from him say no, even if using the valid reason 'you are a married man'.

Excuse me whilst I go vomit and retch my guts out. Married with 3 kids??? Go tell his wife! What a sleaze bag. You're probably not the first and you won't be the last either. Think you need to work on yourself instead of enjoying attention from married men!!!

There is no potential scenario where any of this will end well for you OP.

PP have already pointed out why, & all of them are bang-on (pun intended) but this is what you should hone in on:

If you’d like it to stop in this instance, try using your logical brain to consider what he is saying- your value to him is not as an equal human being, or a valued employee. He is indicating you have so little value to him and the business he would happily jeopardise your career/ reputation and risk you leaving.

Still feeling flattered & like the attention reflects well on you?
Don;t be a fool to yourself.

I would say you have low self esteem, no one who values themselves feels flattered by attention from a disgusting, cheating perv. I pity you.

Its not the thrlll of the chase because you can't chase someone who's not running away and neither of you are.
It takes all sorts, but I'd be surprised if it was lust you were feeling for a handsy old guy you don't fancy who's abusing his position to feel up his younger employees.
I'd put my money on forbidden fruit making it feel exciting and maybe not much experience of male attention making you feel good about yourself.

How mature of women on here with the "ew's" and pitying. Are they that insecure and judgemental?

OP, Some people do enjoy attention and feel flattered. There's nothing wrong with that. However, definitely don't shit where you eat and definitely don't get involved with a married man. It never ends well.

You need to ask yourself why you are enjoying the attention. Something going on in your personal life? Confidence boost?

Do you not judge middle aged married men who touch up their young female employees?
Do you not pity any young woman put in this position by her boss in the first place and who may make the mistake of responding, and in doing so risk their job and professional reputation? Or be strung along and used?
What on earth is 'insecure' about women who can see this situation for what it is offering the OP a bit of straight talking? I really don't understand your use of the word in this context.

It's nice to get attention.. but here I think you're being absolutely idiotic.

Do you need the money from your job or do you just do it for fun?!

If you need the money, don't shit where you eat!

I would bet in the moment you actually felt like you couldn't reject his sexual assaults on you, because of the power imbalance. Now you've reversed that and made it a totem of your own attractiveness.

It's really not normal to tolerate or say you enjoy being sexually assaulted OP. Maybe get some therapy.

Interesting…

I think you need to reset the boundaries here. Have some respect for your career and for his family.

Excellent advice from @Talaforniababe Shitting where you eat is simply bad manners and an absolute recipe for disaster, for you. Next time he tries it (and there WILL be a next time) picture the faces of his wife and 3 dc. Don’t be THAT person. And your colleagues WILL have noticed. Do you want to be the subject of office gossip? For what’s it’s worth, I’ve been in your situation many times. I work almost solely with men and travel a lot, have done for 20+ years. There is literally nothing special or particularly sexy about me. But I’m there, there’s wine and rather a lot of cheeky fuckers think they can have a bash. A swift “you will regret this tomorrow so off you fuck” works wonders. They don’t try again after that!

Pulls up a seat

FGS, another flirting with my boss thread. Just leave it OP, for your own dignity and the well-being of his family.

Well you are turned on because something is missing in your own life - do you have a romantic/ sex life? or is it stale? I am guessing you don’t get a lot of attention like that.

Anyway, stamp on it. Your colleagues will likely have noticed but if nothing ever happens again they will probably put it down to Christmas drunkenness. Tell him you are deeply embarrassed, you were drunk, you know he was - you never want to discuss it again. And if/when he tries it on a again, look horrified and scarper.

And then sort out whatever needs sorting out for you.