Do I tell DW about her mother's health? (Stately homes adjacent)

[SiLlyPoint]

MiL is a stunted woman who has never shown any love for DW. They were NC for a decade but, when we had DD, DW tried to patch things up, hoping that MiL would at least want a healthy relationship with her granddaughter. That sort of worked for a few years: MiL clearly loved having DD in her life, and DD - whose other grandparents are dead, dead, and domiciled on another continent, respectively - was very fond of her granny. But it turns out that, however much MiL loves my DD, she just hates my DW more. She gradually became more antagonistic towards us, and quite deliberately engineered a great big row 4 Christmases ago. MiL hasn't spoken to us since. DW would say she's just fine with that; it wasn't for her own benefit that she re-established contact with MiL and, if MiL can't even keep up a facade of civility with DW in order to see her granddaughter, then... fuck her.

I am 100% Team DW on this. She has not at any stage behaved unreasonably; in fact, it was really generous of her to open herself up to MiL's bullshit again, and it certainly isn't her fault (REDACTED BY MN as breaks TGs).

But. I still feel sorry for MiL. I know enough about her own early life to know that it's no surprise that she was woefully ill equipped for parenthood. And it's kinda heartbreaking to watch an intellectually limited old woman sabotage herself because she's too bitter and emotionally incompetent to avoid it. And, most of all, I feel sorry for DD, who misses her granny (who has scarcely been actively toxic towards her at all!)

So, for the past 3 Christmases, without DW's knowledge, I've sent MiL a package of photographs of DD from the year. I thought she'd want to see how DD is growing up. And I guess I wanted to keep a perfunctory line of communication open, just in case anyone ever wants to revisit whether an actual relationship is an option. Each time, I've included a note saying that, while my allegiances are entirely with DW, I'm prepared to be a first point of contact if MiL ever wants to reach out.

I have been totally unsurprised to hear nothing back, but that changed today when, in response to my 2022 package, I got a message from MiL's husband. When we get past the attempt to relitigate Christmas 2019 (oh FFS), he discloses that MiL is in ill health, most notably as a result of a recent stroke.

I'm sure many of you will think I've done a stupid or disloyal thing by keeping any sort of communication open. That may well be true; I was never certain it was a good idea, though I hope my intentions were unambiguously good. But - as people who have done a stupid thing like to say - we are where we are. The dilemma I have now is whether to tell DW what I know about her mother's health. I'm not sure she really wants to know, but I also think she might find it upsetting to know that I had information of that type and didn't pass it on. (This isn't about covering my ass, BTW: if the right thing to do is to tell her, I'll tell her; if the right thing to do is to keep schtum, I'll keep schtum; I'm just struggling with what the right thing to do might be...) I've also embroiled us in some ridiculous game theory shit about how 'we' now know that MiL is unwell and if 'we' don't care enough reach out, it'll only prove how justified she was to disown DW in the first place... though I'm not sure we should care whether she feels justified as long as we don't mind the consequence. Finally, although it was under quite different circumstances, I was on very strained terms with my own DM when she died, and I sort of nonspecifically regret not... y'know... trying a bit harder. Are any of these good enough reasons to disturb DW's blissful ignorance?

I'd sure be glad of any wisdom anyone is able to impart.

TL;DR: DW has been NC with MiL for 3 years. I have secretly kept a line of communication open in case anyone changes their mind. I have just heard that MiL has had a stroke. Do I tell DW?

You are not 100% DW on this if you’ve been secretly colluding and sending pictures. How dare you? If I were your wife I’d never trust you again.

I’ve tried to think of kinder ways to say say the same thing but… yeah, this.

As you already (I think) realise, you've been very unwise maintaining contact with MIL behind your partners back.

That's far from "100% Team Wife".

In her position I'd be angry/upset and feel very betrayed by your actions.

You say they were well intentioned but frankly it smacks of knowing better and interfering in a way that reflects poorly on you.

So you've put yourself in a pickle re: these revelations.

I don't think you have any choice other than to come clean, otherwise you are just kicking the fan down the road.

What if MIL dies and despite the toxic relationship your wife wanted to engage only to find out you withheld the information she was very unwell?

I'm posting with the assumption you had the best of intentions, but this was never your relationship to facilitate.

You've fucked up and my advice is that you come clean, own it and hope your wife understands that you acted unwisely but not maliciously.

• can not fan

I can sort of understand where you were coming from. But now you have to tell your DW that for the past 3 years, at Christmas, you sent photographs of DD to granny. Usually there has been no response to this package, but this year.................. You will have to take any negative reaction from her on the chin, and not try to defend your position.

The packages were a massive mistake. It was patronising to act int eh way you did “I know I’ll keep this connection my wife wants severed as I know better than her”. But as you say what’s done is done. You’ve fucked up and your chickens have come home to roost.
grovel pathetically at your wife’s feet and hope that she’s kinder than I would be when you come clean.
fwiw I think your intentions do sound honorable but epically stupid.
good luck.

Oh dear. Messy. Probably tell her.

Okay, there's already enough unanimity of response here for me to know that I've made a significant misjudgement.

Thanks for the straight talking. It'll help me do my best to sort it out.

I don't need anyone else to pile on, unless you have some insight you think someone else might benefit from. I... will be scuttling away to have a long, hard think about how I got this one so wrong.

Personally, I don't think what you've done is awful. Your wife was willing to put up with her mother for her daughters sake so, even though your mil messed it up, in principle your wife is not against contact with her mother or between her mother and your daughter.

I don't think you have to tell the full truth of what you've done either but you risk the truth coming out from your mil and her husband if you don't. And that might make things worse.

I hope you manage to sort it out. And for what it's worth, people in real life are generally less judgemental and nicer than people on MN so you could very well be ok.

You have betrayed your wife in an awful way by not respecting her decision to go NC but I think you realise that now. You have to tell her what you have been doing and will have to face the consequences.

Spot the Redditor 😂

Not sure I have any advice - sorry! Messy situation. Hope your wife takes it well when you tell her about the parcels. I can see you meant well, and that does count for something.

You got this one so wrong because you second guessed your DW. Admit to doing it, explain why (how you felt about your own mother's passing) and be willing to accept her emotions both about your actions (anger, disappointment, feelings of betrayal...) and about her mother's illness.

And stop second guessing her. Don't ASSUME she will react in a particular way just because others here have.

Oh, and grovel. Lots and lots of grovelling needed.

Hos dare you do that? If I was your wife, I'd never trust you again.

I have a similar situation with my dad. I'd be devastated, beyond devastated if I found DH had been sending him pics of DD.

All you can do is apologise and hope she doesn't leave you.

Knowing your wife’s relationship with her mother, knowing how difficult a time she has growing up, you went behind her back and kept up contact. You are not 100% Team Wife.

It doesn’t matter what kind of early life your MIL had. People come from all kinds of horrible and difficult backgrounds and they learn from it, move on and do the best they can to give their children what they never had. She damaged and hurt your wife for decades before your wife got old enough to go NC with her.

You have shown such a huge disregard for your wife’s lived experience and trauma because you felt sorry for the woman who gave her all the trauma.

You should have respected your wife to follow her lead on this. Not gone behind her back. Or at least discussed it with her what you planned to do!

If you were my husband and had gone behind my back on something like this I would never ever forgive you. The marriage dynamic would have changed. You are supposed to be a “team” with your wife. Not with your MIL who you don’t really even know.

I’d divorce you for this disloyalty so let’s hope your wife is more forgiving than me

You know you’ve made a massive mistake here, but can I explain why? I went NC with a toxic mother, who had always sought to control me. One of the ways that I took back that control was in restricting her access to information about me - it was the only way I felt safe. Information is power, and never more so than for abusive parents.

I get your intention (though do think this is undermined somewhat by an implied ‘you know best’ approach about a relationship you’ve only ever observed, rather than experienced.) You must come clean and explain why, but give thought to mitigating what I’ve said above, as this is how your wife will feel, as well as undermined.

In honesty, I’m not sure I could forgive DH if he did this, but your relationship is different and she may understand the intention better than I could.

I've also embroiled us in some ridiculous game theory shit about how 'we' now know that MiL is unwell and if 'we' don't care enough reach out, it'll only prove how justified she was to disown DW in the first place...

Dont play the game - your MIL has been abusive towards your wife for decades, and now she’s ill there’s an expectation that you and your wife will reach out to her? People have to warn the right to be in your life through behaving reasonably and rationally, it sounds like your MIL never has earned the right to a relationship with her daughter and you were wrong to go behind her back.

While I can see your thinking around missing the opportunity for restoration with your own dad, don’t be surprised if your wife feels differently and doesn’t want to reach out - absolutely support her in whatever decision she wants to make and don’t try to persuade her to do what you would have wanted to do albeit in hindsight. And don’t go behind her back.

The problem with the game is that abusive people are bloody experts at drawing you in so they can beat you up a bit more.

Ooh you massively fecked up. You've involved yourself in something that's none of your business. Are there other areas in your marriage where you know better than your wife? Silly woman that she is

I think you have to tell her, OP.

Of course you need to tell her........and take the hit. You know what the right thing to do is..........in this situation at least.

About keeping the lines of communication open, how dare you go behind your wife's back?! NOT your place. You're only delaying telling your wife because you know she'll be rightfully very angry at you.

Agree with others that you need to tell her.

But I'd also add a caution - for your wife to be aware of if she considers making contact, rather than you, because what happens next MUST be your wife's decision not yours. I don't know how much information about your MILs condition you've been given (or how much experience of stroke you have, I don't mean to be patronising) the range of long-term outcomes from a stroke is large. From basically unaffected, through various degrees of impairment but with normal life expectancy, to imminent death. You can also see (either short term or long term) personality changes (this can either make them more pleasant or more difficult). Even if long term the prognosis is good, in the months immediately after there's often confusion/memory loss/cognitive impairment which can make stroke sufferers more bad-tempered and difficult to deal with. So if I were your wife and there was even a chance I'd consider making contact, before I did I'd want to get an idea of what I was letting myself in for - it could be a chance to see her before she died or an opportunity for them to try to manipulate her and play the victim/try to make her responsible for the issues your MIL is now facing. (Or some other more benign long term outcome...)

What a mess. I can see your heart was in the right place.

You need to unmess this now. Tell her what you've done and tell her what you've heard.

Be honest about your actions and own that you realise it's a breach of her trust.

I would legit divorce you for this

Jesus what a betrayal of your wife.