Do I tell DW about her mother's health? (Stately homes adjacent)

[SiLlyPoint]

MiL is a stunted woman who has never shown any love for DW. They were NC for a decade but, when we had DD, DW tried to patch things up, hoping that MiL would at least want a healthy relationship with her granddaughter. That sort of worked for a few years: MiL clearly loved having DD in her life, and DD - whose other grandparents are dead, dead, and domiciled on another continent, respectively - was very fond of her granny. But it turns out that, however much MiL loves my DD, she just hates my DW more. She gradually became more antagonistic towards us, and quite deliberately engineered a great big row 4 Christmases ago. MiL hasn't spoken to us since. DW would say she's just fine with that; it wasn't for her own benefit that she re-established contact with MiL and, if MiL can't even keep up a facade of civility with DW in order to see her granddaughter, then... fuck her.

I am 100% Team DW on this. She has not at any stage behaved unreasonably; in fact, it was really generous of her to open herself up to MiL's bullshit again, and it certainly isn't her fault (REDACTED BY MN as breaks TGs).

But. I still feel sorry for MiL. I know enough about her own early life to know that it's no surprise that she was woefully ill equipped for parenthood. And it's kinda heartbreaking to watch an intellectually limited old woman sabotage herself because she's too bitter and emotionally incompetent to avoid it. And, most of all, I feel sorry for DD, who misses her granny (who has scarcely been actively toxic towards her at all!)

So, for the past 3 Christmases, without DW's knowledge, I've sent MiL a package of photographs of DD from the year. I thought she'd want to see how DD is growing up. And I guess I wanted to keep a perfunctory line of communication open, just in case anyone ever wants to revisit whether an actual relationship is an option. Each time, I've included a note saying that, while my allegiances are entirely with DW, I'm prepared to be a first point of contact if MiL ever wants to reach out.

I have been totally unsurprised to hear nothing back, but that changed today when, in response to my 2022 package, I got a message from MiL's husband. When we get past the attempt to relitigate Christmas 2019 (oh FFS), he discloses that MiL is in ill health, most notably as a result of a recent stroke.

I'm sure many of you will think I've done a stupid or disloyal thing by keeping any sort of communication open. That may well be true; I was never certain it was a good idea, though I hope my intentions were unambiguously good. But - as people who have done a stupid thing like to say - we are where we are. The dilemma I have now is whether to tell DW what I know about her mother's health. I'm not sure she really wants to know, but I also think she might find it upsetting to know that I had information of that type and didn't pass it on. (This isn't about covering my ass, BTW: if the right thing to do is to tell her, I'll tell her; if the right thing to do is to keep schtum, I'll keep schtum; I'm just struggling with what the right thing to do might be...) I've also embroiled us in some ridiculous game theory shit about how 'we' now know that MiL is unwell and if 'we' don't care enough reach out, it'll only prove how justified she was to disown DW in the first place... though I'm not sure we should care whether she feels justified as long as we don't mind the consequence. Finally, although it was under quite different circumstances, I was on very strained terms with my own DM when she died, and I sort of nonspecifically regret not... y'know... trying a bit harder. Are any of these good enough reasons to disturb DW's blissful ignorance?

I'd sure be glad of any wisdom anyone is able to impart.

TL;DR: DW has been NC with MiL for 3 years. I have secretly kept a line of communication open in case anyone changes their mind. I have just heard that MiL has had a stroke. Do I tell DW?

AAAh good luck.

I also think you have done the wrong thing, but am sympathetic to your predicament. I hope it works out for everyone.

Yeah she’s trying to turn you into a flying monkey.

the thing about strokes is people can live for years, decades after one. If you tell your wife and she feels guilty enough to get in touch she’s back at square one.

my step mother told me when my mum was dying in hospital and I wish she hadn’t. I was NC for a reason. I ended up sitting with her for two weeks in hospital and I do regret that now.

I'm not sure your DW will ever completely forgive you for this. I would shut up and stop keeping contact between a cruel woman and her DGD. That is an awful thing to do - so DGM's feelings usurp your wife's ? unforgivable.

Yes- good point, Flying monkey. That is it exactly.

Dad in law contacted me, your mum had a stroke. Ticks both boxes :)

Yes.
Truth is always better out in the open.
No point dwelling on what you can't change now but you need to figure out how you all go from here.

Except it's a lie.
It's ok for him to lie to his wife?
It puts pressure on the wife - Sitting by the bedside of a cruel parent is not a benefit for the sitter imv. I have experience of htis.

Ooof.

Speaking as someone who very much walked the same path as your wife, including attempting to open a relationship for the sake of the kids before going NC again, the level of betrayal I’d feel if my husband did this… whew. I could more easily forgive an affair.

Problem with just saying that he has been contacted and the MIL has had a stroke is that for certain someone (MIL herself or another of her flying monkeys) will find a way to make it known- quite deliberately- that photos had been sent.

You've really picked yourself here. I am your dw in our situation and I audibly gasped reading your post. I think in your heart you must have known your dw would forgive you, unfortunately this is a level of betrayal for me that I would be unable to move past with my own husband, so I'd hope he knows doing something like this would be divorce. That may sound extreme but it is true. When you grow up with a mother like your dw has, it is painful and sad but never a surprise. You do not expect anything more. When you choose a partner to spend your life with, and they know what this person has done to you, that is a deep level of trust which warrants nothing but 100% support- no grey areas, good intentions or not. It is a betrayal that would almost outweigh what mother ever did.

You have no choice but to come clean and hope she forgives you. And then support her in whatever capacity she asks of you when she makes her decision on how to deal with her mothers health.

I think the fact her DM could die and still didn't try and patch things up with her own daughter and see the error of her ways tells you absolutely everything you need to know about her. Your own daughter will not be excused from this behaviour, it was always a matter of time and you have failed to protect her from this horrible woman.

What a deep shame this whole situation is. Although I applaud your self awareness now this has been brought to your attention. You do sound, at the core of it, a kind and thoughtful person who made a mistake.

I’m your wife in this scenario

if I found out you’d been sending photos to my mother I would be beyond livid

but you’ve done it. And I would be even more angry thst you didn’t tell me

tell her. But expect it to be an absolute shit show

your selfishness and arrogance has been appalling. You have not been Team Wife

But someone will tell her about the photos. It'll come out. And that'll be even worse.

I would really really struggle to come back from this. I hate to say it because I think the op was coming from what they thought was the right place but id seriously question my relationship. It's such a betrayal of trust. I don't know if id be able to put it behind me. Ever.

I would tell her and her reaction will depend on her main reasons for NC. If she just found the contract emotionally harmful for her, she may well be fine with you having kept up annual contact as she had continued to stay sane and you have kept open a line of communication. Personally I would not have a problem with that. I had a highly toxic MIL who my DH would not have may any effort to see, but I encouraged contact after 10 years of minimal/ negative contact and actually my eldest DD and DH got to spend time with her as she was dying and I think that was a healthy/ healing thing for everybody.

Me too. Our marriage would be over because I'd never be able to trust you again.

@vdbfamily your situation is different (for me) because it was your MIL not your mother.

Huh. I don’t see the level of betrayal others do, and I’m not sure why that is,
but can’t you just say you’ve heard from father in law that mother in law is ill?

your continuing to send communication was kindly meant. Unless you promised your wife you would not, I guess I just don’t see the problem. It is true you concealed something and didn’t give her a choice, but autonomous adults get to choose their relationships.

Not the whole truth, but not a lie. Dad in law DID contact him (albeit a response rather than an initiation). For all we know, regardless of receiving the photos he would have anyway!

While I like to think I'd be on the same lines as "honourable intent, but wrong move", I'd be pissed too.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

But

Honesty is the best policy.

Maybe

I’ve just noticed your little intellectual self indulgence about whether it would mean your wife’s mother was justified in her treatment of your wife if you dod t get in contact

mate you are beyond out of order. This isn’t about you. And some drama thst you get to play out yo sort out your own issues.

if I was your wife and read your post you would be out of the house permanently in ten minutes

i suspect you are one of those men who spends a lot of time thinking about what a great guy you are when the total opposite is true.

I don't think you have done anything that bad! Your DW was happy for your child to have a relationship with her mother, sending photos is nothing really.

I would just be honest, its not like you have been secretly medting her mother and talling aboit DW or anything. I thimk some posters here are over dramatic

With difficult decisions in life I consider which decision I would regret more. I think you might find if you don’t tell your wife she might hold it against you later during her grief.

"DD, who misses her granny (who has scarcely been actively toxic towards her at all!)"

This stood out for me. Is only being (in your opinion) a bit toxic OK then? I don't really think you get it at all and your lip service to supporting your wife's position demonstrates that.

I feel sorry for DD, who misses her granny (who has scarcely been actively toxic towards her at all!)
I had to come back to this. Wth does this mean? Scarcely actively toxic? How much, in your opinion, is too much?

If you caught a toddler sipping bleach, would you shrug because it’s just a sip? Children don’t deserve ANY toxicity from those who are supposed to love them! And make no mistake, her mother being abused by her grandmother ABSOLUTELY negatively impacted your child. Either she witnessed one of the most important people in her life being hurt, or she witnessed the aftermath of it.

Frankly, I wonder if there’s money involved. Are your in-laws loaded, and you’re hoping for some benefit?

As someone who has been NC with a parent for a very long time now, I have to be honest, I would be absolutely appalled if my husband had betrayed me this way and frankly, I think I’d leave him. I know you said you don’t wNt a ‘pile on’ but my god man, you must know this isn’t some little misstep, this is a massive betrayal of your wife’s trust, not to mention the fact that you’re saying loud and clear that despite her experience with her own mother, you think you know better than your wife, that her thoughts, feelings and actions are ‘wrong’ and you’ve stepped in to put them ‘right’.

It’s been said already, but I think I’d rather my husband told me he’d cheated on me than gone behind my back and been in contact with NC parent. Well… I’d rather he did neither really, but if I had to choose!
I think all you can do is be completely honest with your wife. Say exactly what you’ve done, explain your reasoning as best you can without using your own experience as an excuse and hope for the best. Most importantly, whatever she decides to do next, HAVE HER BACK. Actually be 100% Team DW, because you absolutely haven’t been up to now.
Best of luck.

I am estranged from my father. Like your wife I had tried to re connect once the children came along, it didn't work out. He's the same arsehole he was when I was a child.

I could understand my husband keeping a line of communication open for me in case I changed my mind, however I would struggle with the part of him sharing news and pictures of my lovely children to him.That's the part that would feel like a betrayal to me.

I think once they get past the initial anger she'll see your intentions were good.

Good luck 🤞🏻